Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go No Contact with Ex DP while still living together?

298 replies

Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 09:52

After two years of DP ending our relationship, then changing his mind, then ending it etc we have finally ended it for good this time.

However, we have two kids and one has a disability, and also a dog. I'm the main stay at home carer as the youngest goes to a unit but only part time. I don't work yet but hope to the future.

It's DP house in his name. I'm desperate not to go back to the cycle of 'hanging out' in the house, as last time DP starting buying me chocolates and being nice even though he'd clearly ended the relationship, as I find it head wrecking. He's said he won't kick me out, I have no family near, and frankly I don't want to leave for a good while because, well why should I put myself and the kids through all the aggro? I've told him I'd like him to leave, but of course I can't make him it's his house!

I've said that if he stays I want to be as NC as possible, in order to make the break up as real as possible. It's been a week now, it's so awkward, but I just don't know what else to do. He's avoiding me, but I know he can be quite a 'martyr' and then build resentment and lash out. His family think he should stay and don't care where I go. I'm being cordial, we are communicating briefly about the kids but that's it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/09/2017 16:49

I'm sorry, OP, this sounds really hard and you seem very upset about the split too, which is colouring your view.

However I've come to the reality that I am going to be financially dependent on DP for a very long time. ME. Because I'm the carer.

You can't decide that. You could, if you'd married, because he'd have some legal responsibilities towards your children, but you're not, so he doesn't. And it'd be lovely if he played fair because it's morally the right thing to do, but as soon as someone else catches his eye, he will want you out of his house.

You need to lay plans. It doesn't matter what your moral views are now. The state shouldn't have to support you; but the house shouldn't only be in his name. You shouldn't have given up work before you married. The things that shouldn't happen have; so you need to react.

Find a home for your children. Get benefit claims in so you can provide for them until you can work. Put in maintenance claims. Make sure you can provide a stable life for your children without relying on him.

AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 16:57

The thing is as people have said the OP could have chosen to buy the house as tennants in common for example then she would have some rights to the house.

She chose not to.

It seems she takes no responsibility for choices She made at all.

Haffiana · 14/09/2017 17:06

The thing is as people have said the OP could have chosen to buy the house as tennants in common for example then she would have some rights to the house.

She chose not to.

It seems she takes no responsibility for choices She made at all.

Where did the OP say that she chose not to buy the house as tenants-in-common? Perhaps she moved into the house her partner already owned?

NameChange30 · 14/09/2017 17:10

"It's not about "not bothering to get married". It's about leading someone to think that you'll look after them if they give up their job to provide you with childcare that you would have to pay someone else to do, and then being allowed to just go back on that promise and immediately leave the State to pick up the slack."

"I just think that the law should provide protection to people who give up their jobs on the understanding that they will be financially supported in exchange for providing full time childcare."

You refer to a "promise" and an "understanding". As a lawyer you presumably know that these things can be difficult to prove without a written agreement. A marriage certificate is a simple, easily obtainable proof of the agreement.

At risk of sounding like a broken record, I don't see the point in moaning about lack of legal protection when it already exists if you choose it.

AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 17:18

The law does not only enforce written agreements.

Maybe but the OP isn't going to be awarded a house that she can't afford to pay for, let alone the bills. It doesn't happen in divorces so it certainly won't in this case.

It just isn't going to happen.

AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LouBlue1507 · 14/09/2017 17:19

You expect your EX to finance two houses, one for him and one for you and DC's? That screams scrounging entitled brat to me.

You need to move out OP and claim maintainable like everybody else in your situation.

AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harshbuttrue1980 · 14/09/2017 17:27

OP, you seriously believe that all you have to do is get knocked up and you'll be able to live in a big house for your whole life without having to sully your hands with work??? Get real!
Get a job and pay your own way. You said you earned a good salary before, so you can earn one now. Split the costs of a special needs nanny between you and your ex boyfriend, and pay your own way with the rest of your earnings. Get some dignity instead of trying to live off someone else.

SilverySurfer · 14/09/2017 17:29

No-one is suggesting that AnUtterIdiot. What we are saying is that knowing the laws as they stand, it is really a bad idea to move into someone else's home, have children and give up the means of supporting yourself and relying on the other person for the roof over your head and all living expenses when the chances of relationships breaking down are pretty high. Either get married as the laws are in place to protect you, or continue working and having the ability to support yourself, otherwise don't be surprised when you find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

EamonnWright · 14/09/2017 17:54

Reading this I keep expecting the OP to come in with something that will make you go 'ahh, now I see where you're coming from'.

It hasn't happened. He hasn't asked you to leave. It's just seems to be you stamping your feet because everyone won't do as you say.

Donald Trump Grin

Racingraccoons · 14/09/2017 18:08

Wow OP, you sound a delight Hmm

I pity your ex. Poor bugger has to deal with you

cestlavielife · 14/09/2017 18:17

the father does have legal responsibilities towards the children, providing for them, housing them when they in his care etc

he has no legal responsibilities eg financial or housing towards the mother whom he is not married to.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 14/09/2017 18:25

YABU, its his house, his rules, you may decide not to speak to him, however you cant force him.

Your expectations its not reality, he did not make you give up your employment, you did!.

Now because you choose to have children and not be married, you now in your currently situation.

He owes you nothing, and legally he can kick your arse out on the street, courts will not give you the home, as legally they cannot, if you were married the circumstances would be different.

YOu really need to get your head out of the clouds and stop with the BS dreams you have floating in your head!

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 14/09/2017 18:30

where does the OP live? as far as I am aware there is no such thing as tenants in common in England, only in Scotland happily be corrected even more so when title deeds are in single name only.

MidnightAura · 14/09/2017 18:32

I didn't think common law spouse existed either in Scotland Haud great username btw Grin

BrendaSmith56 · 14/09/2017 18:33

Please go and get some proper legal advice. Most people on here will not know the law and your particular circumstances with regard to your child and their needs.
I worked for a bank many years ago so my input may be out of date, but people can acquire 'beneficial interests ' in property if they have contributed in some way - not necessarily financial.
I think you have been treated very harshly on this thread. You have not been sponging off your former dp, you have been caring for a high needs child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2017 18:35

It definitely is a thing in England Haud.

MidnightAura · 14/09/2017 18:36

Whoops just realised talking about a different thing.

I second OP getting legal advice asap.

mrsRosaPimento · 14/09/2017 18:39

Thank you for explaining. Glad I made dh put a ring on it.
I grew up in social housing. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. Just because you have a low income (why we had a council house,) doesn't mean you're a shameful person.

steff13 · 14/09/2017 18:41

But yes, in an ideal world everyone would refuse to have sex or cohabit before marriage and no one would ever rely on anything that anyone said to them unless it was written down, signed in triplicate and notarised.

Actually, all the OP really had to do was refuse to quit her job until after they were married. Not really all that complicated.

user7680 · 14/09/2017 18:43

I'd get professional advice