To go No Contact with Ex DP while still living together?

[Puttingontheritz23]

After two years of DP ending our relationship, then changing his mind, then ending it etc we have finally ended it for good this time.

However, we have two kids and one has a disability, and also a dog. I'm the main stay at home carer as the youngest goes to a unit but only part time. I don't work yet but hope to the future.

It's DP house in his name. I'm desperate not to go back to the cycle of 'hanging out' in the house, as last time DP starting buying me chocolates and being nice even though he'd clearly ended the relationship, as I find it head wrecking. He's said he won't kick me out, I have no family near, and frankly I don't want to leave for a good while because, well why should I put myself and the kids through all the aggro? I've told him I'd like him to leave, but of course I can't make him it's his house!

I've said that if he stays I want to be as NC as possible, in order to make the break up as real as possible. It's been a week now, it's so awkward, but I just don't know what else to do. He's avoiding me, but I know he can be quite a 'martyr' and then build resentment and lash out. His family think he should stay and don't care where I go. I'm being cordial, we are communicating briefly about the kids but that's it.

AIBU?

piglet so if your family member was going to effectively make the mother of his children and his kids homeless - because they are family - that's perfectly fine!

Honestly I'm out of these boards most replies have just reiterated to me that there is an implicit support to let a father off his responsibilities, whether hiding behind the law, hiding behind realities, and hiding behind his family!!

I'll go off to scrape what I can off of the state, and remember not to moan or dare raise my little womanly voice again!

You need to take some of the responsibility here - it really isn't his fault you are not working it's a choice you both made together when your circumstances where different. It's not his fault you are not married - and this entire situation is not entirely of his own making.

He is obliged to support his children - has he indicates that he wouldn't do this?

ron sorry I know you mean well. But just clear off! No help at all and yes, you know, children or dependents do tend to come with CARERS. And if you are not the CARER because you are able to WORK, then you are responsible.

I hope one day you end up in a similar situation!

Bye, thanks to others for the helpful replies, you know who you are! I appreciate you taking the time.

Once OP moves out, she should get...

• Income Support of £73.10/wk (assuming her DC is under 5)
• Child Benefit of £20.70
• Child Tax Credit of £63ish
• Housing Benefit of £130ish (if she was here in Worcestershire)
• Council Tax Support to pay her council tax bill in full
• Disability Living Allowance of £83.10 (assuming the DWP agrees that her child does need 24/7 care)
• a carer premium on her Income Support of £34.95

For a total of £405/wk, not including any child maintenance. So not a life of luxury but hardly a pittance either.

Honestly I'm out of these boards most replies have just reiterated to me that there is an implicit support to let a father off his responsibilities

No where in your posts have you stated that he would not care for or provide for his children, which are his responsibility.

You however, are not his responsibility.
You don't think it's acceptable to sponge off the state but you're quite happy to sponge off him. Double standards much

He isn't being let off his responsibilities. He will have to support his DC but not you.

You can ryle against posters as much as you want but the reality is what it is.

Your expectation of him just handing everything over to you whilst continuing to pay for everything is a fairy tale. It wouldn't happen if you were divorcing so it certainly won't happen when you're not.

Your constant sneering at social housing as if it's something that's beneath you is a) extremely offensive and b) not painting you in a nice light, OP. This entire thread comes across very much as if you just want to keep the nice posh house. Well you can't, because it doesn't belong to you.

You were very foolish to give up your financial independence, whether it was agreed or not, and now you're reaping the rewards of that.

Your ex is under absolutely no obligation to house you and that you think he is beggars belief. Like everyone else on the planet, your choices are either a) move out and get a job and support yourself or b) move out and claim benefits. Not sure what about that is so difficult to understand, really.

crazy yes funnily enough the facing me and the kids with the prospect of no housing is, strangely, making me feel that he is not supporting them!

Although I'm probably completely deluded.

Just make your kids and their main parent leave and toss them some money for... what exactly? Food and clothes? And they will be magically taken care of by someone else.

I hope one day you end up in a similar situation!

You know nothing of other posters situations.

I cant see what your ExP is getting from this relationship.

He has an ExP (you) that he is allowing to live rent free in his house. Presumably you arent providing him with any services, such as laundry maid and cook as you are separate.

I really cannot see the point of him letting you live in the house as it is no benefit to him. He cant move on wit hhis life. He cant bring a new partner home and make a life.

From your perspective you have nothing but financial insecurity, you will be going cap in hand to him for every penny and you cant move on wit h your life either.

It all sounds very unhealthy.

But you are still massively missing the point and being totally unrealistic. If you move out, he will still have to pay for his children by paying maintenance. It is NOT your house, you do NOT contribute financially towards it, I repeat, make plans to move out before he kicks you out because no sane person who owns a property is going to move out of their own property and pay 2 mortgages and 2 lots of living costs.

You will have the option of going on benefits or finding childcare and going back to work.

What the fuck has Trump to do with anything!?

and their main parent leave

He is an equal parent.

I also like the way you keep saying "move the kids out into social housing". Hahah! Do you think there's going to be a house (that's beneath you) there waiting for you when you move out? Do you not realise that there is a waiting list? Or do you expect the council to immediately house you, like you expect your ex to?

This is one of the most ridiculous posts I've ever read on here. Get a fucking grip, OP, and support your kids. Like everyone else in the world has to.

OP, nobody is saying that what could happen is nice, or right, or fair. In fact most of us have bemoaned that unmarried SAHP don't get afforded the same rights as married ones. Of course you should have "earned" a stake in the house when you gave up work to look after the children. But you didn't.

It's not fair, it's not right, but it is what it is. And what people here are trying to do is to help you see that you cannot expect your ex to provide financially FOR YOU, because he is not obliged to. For your children, yes. For you, no.

Your options are social housing + benefits or private housing + working. If you're lucky, your ex might agree to sell the house and give you a portion of the profits. I really hope he does. But there is absolutely no way he'll pay for your housing. Even if you were married and the courts decided you should stay in the marital home, you would still be expected to pay the mortgage yourself.

I hope one day you end up in a similar situation!

Delightful

I am sorry you are in this situation, and I have every sympathy for your challenge facing. However, there would be no contracts or civil legal system if adults could just sort out on their own what is 'fair'. It is the basis of our entire non-criminal legal system. Without being married, you are entitled to nothing.

Unfortunately, having a child with someone without being married is a bit like taking a job without anything in writing. You aren't protected at all by the law. Legally, you are entitled to child maintenance, but not spousal support. Without being married, you have no claims on anything. Your children do, but you do not.

It's unfortunate, and not going to be easy. But there is no court in the land that will agree that he should move out of a home that he owns and you do not have your name on it.

I think you should speak to a solicitor. There are some charities that help do pro-bono work for women in situations like yours. Maybe you could agree to mediation and come up with a creative solution.

But I think you are in for a rude awakening when you realise just how little you are actually legally entitled to from him. From the government you can get carers allowance, housing benefits etc, but you are not entitled to the house.

The legal system doesn't care what is moral and fair as those are very subjective terms. It cares about what is legal.

Speak to a solicitor about your next steps, as they could have huge implications.

Although I'm probably completely deluded.*

Yes we all agree

Also you keep saying that he's going to kick out his kids. He's not. I imagine if you find suitable housing he'll agree the children should stay with you as the RP. But if you don't find suitable housing and he's forced to evict you, he could keep the children at home. That's the risk you're running by not facing up to the situation and that's what we're trying to help you avoid.

You need to stop preparing for what you WANT and what you think he SHOULD do, and start preparing for what you're ENTITLED TO, and what he CAN do.

^^ Is it possible to have pity of somebody and at the same time think they are a bit of an asshole?

Although I'm probably completely deluded.

Yes we all agree

Is it possible to have pity of somebody and at the same time think they are a bit of an asshole?

^^ Is it possible to have pity of somebody and at the same time think they are a bit of an asshole?

I'm finding it very hard to have any pity for the OP at all, frankly, since she doesn't seem to realise she's 50% responsible for her own children, that she was stupid enough to have without any financial security. What exactly is she planning to do in order to finance and care for them? Nothing. She expects her poor ex to do all of it.

Your constant sneering at social housing, and sense of total entitlement isn't very endearing. And that is why posters are getting a bit irate. No adult is entitled to total financial support from another person unless the other person happens to be mega rich. |n which case it seems to sometimes be awarded.

Even if the other person is mega rich, they're still under no obligation to finance their ex, and neither should they be. The OP's entitlement is staggering.

To keep it simple: as much as you hate it, your ex has no legal requirement to fund your housing.

He has a responsibility towards his children. Not their mother. You will have to work to fulfil your bit of the quota.

And I know not everyone wants to put their kids in childcare, especially if there are special needs, but not everyone can stay home with kids as much as we'd like too and that's just life.