To go No Contact with Ex DP while still living together?

[Puttingontheritz23]

After two years of DP ending our relationship, then changing his mind, then ending it etc we have finally ended it for good this time.

However, we have two kids and one has a disability, and also a dog. I'm the main stay at home carer as the youngest goes to a unit but only part time. I don't work yet but hope to the future.

It's DP house in his name. I'm desperate not to go back to the cycle of 'hanging out' in the house, as last time DP starting buying me chocolates and being nice even though he'd clearly ended the relationship, as I find it head wrecking. He's said he won't kick me out, I have no family near, and frankly I don't want to leave for a good while because, well why should I put myself and the kids through all the aggro? I've told him I'd like him to leave, but of course I can't make him it's his house!

I've said that if he stays I want to be as NC as possible, in order to make the break up as real as possible. It's been a week now, it's so awkward, but I just don't know what else to do. He's avoiding me, but I know he can be quite a 'martyr' and then build resentment and lash out. His family think he should stay and don't care where I go. I'm being cordial, we are communicating briefly about the kids but that's it.

AIBU?

but people can acquire 'beneficial interests ' in property if they have contributed in some way - not necessarily financial.

Very rarely especially when not married.

In an ideal world you and your ex would stay amicable, he would be rich enough where he would happily afford two houses and be so happy that you would be the consistant carer for your disabled child that he'd fund your house forever.

In an ideal world you'd be able to sit down together, work out what is best for your child and say "We'll do that."

None of us live in an ideal world.

We live in a world where the single parent resident carer of a disabled child is going to have to rely on the state for financial assistance.

In many ways you'll be luckier than previous people - the maintenance theri father will pay you will be on top (rather than removed pound for pound regardless if they pay it!). It won't be a life of luxury, but it'll be yours and it won't be removed on a whim on a Wednesday night because you fight with the ex about access/his new girlfriend/your new boyfriend/how much sugar the kids have.

For the sake of your children you need to forget about 'should', you need to forget about 'ideal world' and you need to forget 'we planned'. Those things are all gone. The situation you are in now is the situation you are in and no matter how unfair, or harsh, or selfish, or wrong you think it is you have to deal with it realistically for the sake of your children.

Have you even looked into social housing in your area? Sometimes when a disability is involved social housing can be a godsend - especially if situations are likely to change with regards to wheelchair ramps or bathroom facilities. Find out what is out there.

Stability is a home that's not likely to be removed without warning - social housing can be stable. Yes, there's often a period of change first, but once you are settled it's stabled. Being in your ex's house that could be taken from you at any moment isn't stable.

I don't quite understand. Op, what would happen if you got a part time job, and told your ex to split care with you while you were at work, to start getting some work experience and earning potential back? Would he just leave them unattended , hire an unqualified teenager , hire a nanny? Presumably if you moved out he would have to do this all the time which must be expensive. not suggesting you do move out but it might help clarify things)

Great post lalalalyra - I agree.

OP, How old are the children?
If your child requires possible life long care, 24/7, are you expecting your xp to financially support your children and yourself for their entire life time?
I don't think your xp is responsible for financially providing for the children once they finish full time non advanced education, regardless of their disabilities, although I'm happy to stand corrected if that is not right.
It might be best to begin looking for ways to become as independent from your xp as possible, because any help you get from him, beyond child maintenance, is down to your xp wanting to.
If your xp chooses only to pay the minimum child maintenance, what can you do?
It's not morally right but morals only count when someone has them.

I agree it's a crap situation op, and I hate how men can walk away from their responsibilities and society let's them.

Would he be more amenable to an agreement if he thought you might move out, get a job and leave the kids with him? So he thinks you get the single life back and he gets the drudgery?

At the risk of going off-piste here, OP- is there ANY way you two could make things better between you? I may have missed it ( this is a looong thread) but I don't think you've talked about the situation which led you to consider separation. Is there any way back from his- assuming neither of you is abusive? I'm not suggesting lowest common denominator is ok for a relationship, but you've had a tough time with the kid situation and maybe need a break to get some balance/ do something for you? Just a thought , kindly meant.

I hate how men can walk away from their responsibilities and society let's them.

I hate how people make up facts to suit their own agenda.

The OP is no longer her ex's responsibility. The child is. Where is there any evidence he won't take responsibility for his child? For all we know he'd happily be resident parent and take his share of care for his child.

*it was unreasonable of you to get knocked up twice and live in his house without being married, because now you have no rights at all.

Please, please don't do that again. We work so hard to protect women from oppression and abuse around the world and then you do something like that to yourself and I just think some women are too daft and silly to help.*

Harsh ... but I get where you're coming from.

What sort of atmosphere is that for the children? You don't say how old they are, but they are going to be aware of the fact that Mum and dad don't talk to each other or care for each other.

men can walk away from their responsibilities and society let's them.

Errrrr who says he is walking away from his responsibilities? He has responsibility for the DC NOT the OP.

No where has it said he will walk away from the DC.

stop making stuff up

I think you need top quality legal advice, the best you can afford. If you were my DD I'd be helping with that. Is there anyone you can call upon who can help? I think many PPs are being harsh and old fashioned. The situation is wholly different as you have a disabled child needing lifetime care. You're the best person to give that care and you need support to do so.
Any money you spend now on professional advice may be an investment in the future.

*it is entirely his fault I have no money or work.

I have his child! Who has to have full time care and only has a couple of hours a day at a special unit!*

Surely the decision to have a child was a joint one? And it isn't anyone's fault that your child needs full-time care, that's just dreadfully unlucky and sad. But sad stuff happens, all the time.

The only bit of this that you can blame XP for is ending the relationship.

I think you really need to try and separate your emotional response and your intellectual response, so that you can think things through clearly and rationally. The situation you're in IS unfair, and I really feel for you, but it is what it is.

To move forward, you need to find a way of accepting that. You can't go back in time and change things, and you can't change the law that offers the primary carer next to no protection in unmarried couples where a house is in the sole name of the other parent.

Would he be prepared to put up the money for you to pay rent in advance and a deposit, and possibly act as guarantor, so that you can rent in the private sector? You'd get housing benefit, carer's allowance, income support, child tax credits plus DLA, and maintenance from your ex. You wouldn't be affected by the benefit cap. You'd be a lot better off financially than many single parents.

Nightmare and sadly common

Many people cannot run 2 houses

I hope you get some useful advice

Mine is merely to work and earn some money that's all I can offer

I've found most of these posts really upsetting. Not because they have stated the law. I am fully aware and didn't need to know it was DPs house.

I have made a decision. I don't want to be NC it isn't great. My best option is to move with the kids to family which are many miles away from DP. However as someone said I won't just get social housing straight away, and will need an interim arrangement that isn't tense.

Also, in response to someone else, I have stuck it out trying to find any way possible to stay together. My DP cheated on me. I worked through that. I arranged counselling for us both.

And in response to questions of being 'foolish, silly, snobbish, delusional, sponging, money grabbing etc... ' not that my response will make any difference to some posters revelling in attack.

• the facts are that it is me that is the best carer for the kids, esp one with the disability, it is severe and behaviour extreme and needs high quality care, and also we have a very beneficial relationship. Even DP would totally agree to this, and would want me to be the number one carer.
• I moved in on the agreement that I was to go on the mortgage, into DPs existing house, that I was to contribute, that we would get married, and that I would give up work for kids rather DP who does not want to give him his job, it's highly paid and he does not want to do childcare.
• I paid into the mortgage for 2 years, it was in negative equity and DP may have lost it without my contribution. I worked full time.
• We agreed I would give up work for 2 years and then I'd go back to work part time and then full time when the kids were older. We did not expect to have one with disabilities and we both made the decision that it was best for me not to go back to work.
• I feel I would be very lucky to have social housing, however I feel very strongly that it is unfair that the state should give me it when there is an existing parent responsible who is earning, surely the money for my housing should go elsewhere. I can do nothing about that, but I do feel that this is wrong. It's OK to feel that this is wrong, I can't do much about it probably, but it is wrong. I do not think it is snobbish.
• I have always been quite prepared to work and spent spare hours late at night when DP came back from work trying to earn money from home just to help us all out. I see it as a team effort to bring up a child.

Anyway, this isn't a nice situation for me and I don't think being verbally lambasted is helpful. Some posts were factual and helpful, others just full of venom for me which is strange as you've never actually met me. So again thanks for those who were helpful (and I didn't say those who agreed, quite up for different opinions, just not a slagging off).

actually many people are obliged by courts to let the main carer of the children stay in the marital home until the children are no longer dependent

The key word in that sentence is "marital", ie pertaining to a marriage. You do not have a marital home as you weren't married, and therefore the provisions of the Matrimonial Homes Act do not apply.

I am sorry OP, but this venom towards any SAHM is very typical of Mumsnet these days. The victim blaming 'you should have got married it is all your fault' stuff is also appalling.

Seriously, go and see CAB and perhaps a lawyer to find some helpful, impartial advice.

Thanks Haff and Lakie and stop and hold This is all useful advice that I really can take away and digest.

I what sticks in my throat is that this is all my fault and no DP doesn't have to do anything. I actually do take some responsibility, wish I'd married before getting pregnant, I really do. It doesn't stop me wanting him to work with me and not just dump the 'problem' which is basically housing, elsewhere.

Other options, like putting this duty onto social housing

OP, social housing has nothing to do with care. It's just a home rented from the council or a housing association, rather than a private landlord. No-one's suggesting you put your DC into some sort of residential care or social services establishment.

I feel very strongly that it is unfair that the state should give me it when there is an existing parent responsible who is earning

He can't afford to.

He wouldn't be expected to pay fully for two houses

No court would expect him to.

DP doesn't have to do anything

He has responsibility for your DC not for you.

I'm glad you're feeling more reconciled to the reality of the situation. I do think the reason as to why you received such strongly worded posts is because you've been refusing to accept the reality of the situation. People have been shouting louder and louder so that you hear them because they're genuinely concerned for your wellbeing. You were basically getting what you were giving. I do understand why being hugely concerned for your future and that of your children.

OP, sorry if this has already been mentioned, but it does sound like you will need to go into social housing if the needs of your disabled child are to be met in terms of a house possibly being adapted for his needs and to ensure he gets full time care from you. If you move out and go and live with family, you might have made yourself voluntarily homeless and the council then have an excuse not to house you. Please get advice on this as I could very easily be wrong but your partner may have to evict you. Do talk to someone first before you make any decisions, Shelter would be a good place to start. I hope things work out for you all and next year finds you in a better place.

"- I moved in on the agreement that I was to go on the mortgage, into DPs existing house, that I was to contribute, that we would get married, and that I would give up work for kids rather DP who does not want to give him his job, it's highly paid and he does not want to do childcare.

• I paid into the mortgage for 2 years, it was in negative equity and DP may have lost it without my contribution. I worked full time."

Why didn't you get added to the mortgage and house deeds? And why didn't you get married?

I think you are rightly angry with your partner for promising these things and not following through. And - forgive me if I'm wrong - possibly a bit angry with yourself for not insisting on making them happen?

I think it was naive to pay towards the mortgage without having anything in your name, but if you can prove you made those payments, you may well be able to prove that you have beneficial interest in the property.

Get legal advice, as PPs have said. Your local Citizens Advice will probably have a list of local solicitors that offer free or low cost initial consultations.

Re my earlier comments about acquiring some kind of beneficial interest in the property - your more recent post says that you contributed towards the mortgage payments. This is important! Please take legal advice before making any arrangements to leave.
Of course you are the best person to care for your child. I have a child with some additional needs. It's not just a case of getting the local nursery to look after them whilst you get a job. I had to give up the very few hours of work I was doing as I was being called out of work or involved in lengthy meetings about her all the time. I would be so unreliable at this point in time that I consider myself unemployable. My husband is the main earner and we 'protected' his income by me being always available.

My husband is the main earner and we 'protected' his income by me being always available.

Therein lies the difference. You are married.

The OP still has to pay for the house and bills even if she did stay. She can't and hasn't got the means to so so.

Unfortunately it really is that simple.