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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

controlling family taking my university supplies - how to react?

152 replies

holly98 · 14/09/2017 06:41

I wanted to get your advice & balanced adult opinions on a situation as I'm currently fuming and will probably make a rash decision

[BACKSTORY:
My '''family''' are Indian, backwards, & think a women's place is married off and in the kitchen. I was born & raised in London & and don't share their ideals. As a result, they have been verbally & physically abusive towards me my entire life.

I am 19 and moving out for university on Friday. I have been called many things since they found out (slag, no one wants you anyway etc). It has come to a head recently as they realise I'm actually leaving.]

Yesterday I prepped my stuff (toiletries, kitchen supplies, Nutribullet, clothing, room decor etc) in the spare room in boxes & suitcases ready to go. I have come downstairs this morning to find the packaging of the duvet that I purchased is in the kitchen bin????

Upon further inspection of my stuff, everything has been gone through & tampered with, some other bits have been used/taken. It's petty.

They know exactly why the items are in in that room. I paid for all of it with my own money (I have no financial support from them btw). They all work - they took my things to control me not because they can't afford it or they didn't think it was mine. I have to repurchase stuff before I've even moved out :(

My brother is the one that has taken my duvet. I don't want the duvet back & he would never pay me back for it either. AIBU to throw the duvet out??

So far, I have moved everything back into my bedroom & locked the door.

I want to throw the duvet out later while he's at work or put it in a black bag for when I move. (But it's now gross & used by him so....) I know when he'll get home he will start WW3, try to tear my locked door down and my mum will take his side as she idolises him. There will probably be a physical fight, but I'm so sick of him that I'm not even scared....what would you do?

He can use the duvet he replaced with mine 🙄 I'm sick of him controlling me and whatever the aftermath is, I don't care. I don't plan on maintaining contact with them when I move anyway, I don't speak to them now!

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 14/09/2017 06:43

Honestly I would leave it. Why make it worse for yourself when you are leaving tomorrow and never have to deal with them again... let him have the duvet...

Loopytiles · 14/09/2017 06:44

Get out asap. Could you stay withba friend, or arrange emergency help from the university's housing service? Take the duvet back: you can wash it at a laundrette and will need to save that money for other things.

Shoxfordian · 14/09/2017 06:45

This sounds like a potentially very dangerous situation. Can you stay with a friend until Friday at all? Or can you go early to the university?

Well done for escaping but please be safe today doing it.

Blondielongie · 14/09/2017 06:47

I think when you get to uni, you should let student services know your home situation. It doesn't sound very supportive. Do you intend/want to go home during the holidays?

honeysucklejasmine · 14/09/2017 06:48

Can you go now? When I went to uni you could move in any time between weds and Sunday.

Lenl · 14/09/2017 06:49

I would also leave it. It's not worth it. They are spoiling for a fight. If you respond you give them exactly what they want and ammunition for them to 'prove' you are the horrible things they say. I'd act like I hadn't even noticed. And I would get out of there asap. Do you have a friend to stay with? Could you phone uni and see if you could come today instead of tomorrow? Or even stay in a cheap hotel near uni for tonight.

Can you just take your duvet from home?

FenceSitter01 · 14/09/2017 06:53

Take your stuff now and store it at a friends. Or go now to your university town, book into a Travel Lodge for 4 days and take it with you.

You've not said where you are, and a quick google would bring up a lot of links for Asian Women in Crisis. There are charitable concerns and help groups out there to assist you

Good luck in your new life and don't look back.

Chocolateteabag · 14/09/2017 06:54

Yep - call their bluff and leave today if you at all can? Otherwise it sounds like they will have more to say tonight/tomorrow to try to stop you?

FenceSitter01 · 14/09/2017 06:55

Incidentally - start planning now, about where you will be spending your holidays etc. It wont be worth the aggro going home. DSs mate stays in his uni town, he secured lodging in a pub and works the bar at night . So he's not really needed to use a grant.

AnnaFiveTowns · 14/09/2017 06:55

I would leave the duvet. It's just not worth it. Pat yourself on the back for being a fantastically organised and resourceful person. And it's great that you've sorted a place at uni without any family help. You're getting out of there tomorrow. Well done! I wouldn't go back for holidays either, if you can avoid it.

Good luck at uni!

guiltybystander · 14/09/2017 06:56

They sound malicious and dangerous. I would get out immediately if I were you. Keep us updated what's happening with you.

AnnaFiveTowns · 14/09/2017 06:56

Also, maybe get this moved to relationships. There's lots of good advice in there about toxic families.

user1471449040 · 14/09/2017 06:58

get out, take only what you can carry - go to women's aid immediately

ineedamoreadultieradult · 14/09/2017 06:58

Don't overthink the duvet, it is a small part of a bigger picture. Either take it back and get it washed or let him have it and take the one you already have from home. Are you moving into halls? I would phone the Uni and ask to come early explain you need to get out of an abusive household. When you get to Uni Ii would also look into any help you can get from Student Services. You might find others there from similar backgrounds who understand and can offer support.

Mumteedum · 14/09/2017 06:58

Contact uni. Try and move in now. You should also talk to student services. If you don't want any correspondence going to that address, let registry know.

Hope uni is supportive and the start of a wonderful new life.

newdaylight · 14/09/2017 06:59

Just get out even if you can hardly take anything with you. When you're at university you can speak to your student support services which you will find at the student union. They may be able to help you financially to get the stuff you need.

You could also call 101 to request a police presence while you visit your parents address to collect belongings. I appreciate this may be difficult

AnnaFiveTowns · 14/09/2017 06:59

Yes. Good advice. Get out now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2017 07:00

Please leave today. Now. You are not safe. You are in most danger when you try to leave as a spouse. The same is true as a disobedient daughter. Take the duvet. See if you can find any of the other stuff. It has only been slept in for a night. I do understand your misgivings but with a new cover for now and a good wash it will be good as new.

Just some practical stuff. What have you done about your post? And to protect yourself from them following you to your new address?

Please be careful. You are a survivor of abuse. Please make sure you continue to survive. Flowers

Onlymeeeeee · 14/09/2017 07:01

Can you get out now? I know you said you have to go to work, do you have a friend who could keep your stuff if you can't leave for university straight away? If you turned up where I work we'd find you a bed even if your room in halls wasn't ready yet.
Please ensure student support at your new uni know that you have left an abusive family home and should be considered independent.

PringlesPirate · 14/09/2017 07:01

I echo PP. Don't bother with the duvet. At the end of the day it is just "stuff" and is always replaceable.

I would try and get out before anything happens - physical or otherwise.

They will continue to try and control you because they want you at home with them and under the thumb. You want to go to uni and better yourself.

Do they know what uni you'll be at? Or where you'll be staying? If they don't (and I hope they don't) then don't ever tell them!

Fishface77 · 14/09/2017 07:09

This is giving me chills.
Move out ASAP. Preferably when no Ones at home. Have some friends there. Don't tell them where you are going or where you are staying.
Don't ever go back. Make this the last night you stay at their home.
Call the police if you need to on 999 NOT the non emergency number as they could escalate things very quickly.

YouTheCat · 14/09/2017 07:09

Can you call student support?

mumoffour1716154 · 14/09/2017 07:10

Could you call up student support and ask about coming in early.
Hoping in home situation like yours there must be extra support and help. Well done on uni place, don't bother the items taken and focus on yourself.

Bunkai · 14/09/2017 07:10

Talk to student services today. They will be able to help you with this situation which sounds dangerous. Ideally they will help you get out earlier or ask one of your other student friends if you and your stuff can sleep on the settee for a couple of nights.

Your family have no respect for you, who knows what they will try on Friday. Stay safe. Flowers

annielouise · 14/09/2017 07:10

What a horrible thing to do. The fact you're keeping to your plan says so much about your strength. Wishing you all the best - you deserve it. Do whatever you want about the duvet but do it very last minute so there are no repercussions, it sounds a potentially dangerous situation as someone else said.