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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

controlling family taking my university supplies - how to react?

152 replies

holly98 · 14/09/2017 06:41

I wanted to get your advice & balanced adult opinions on a situation as I'm currently fuming and will probably make a rash decision

[BACKSTORY:
My '''family''' are Indian, backwards, & think a women's place is married off and in the kitchen. I was born & raised in London & and don't share their ideals. As a result, they have been verbally & physically abusive towards me my entire life.

I am 19 and moving out for university on Friday. I have been called many things since they found out (slag, no one wants you anyway etc). It has come to a head recently as they realise I'm actually leaving.]

Yesterday I prepped my stuff (toiletries, kitchen supplies, Nutribullet, clothing, room decor etc) in the spare room in boxes & suitcases ready to go. I have come downstairs this morning to find the packaging of the duvet that I purchased is in the kitchen bin????

Upon further inspection of my stuff, everything has been gone through & tampered with, some other bits have been used/taken. It's petty.

They know exactly why the items are in in that room. I paid for all of it with my own money (I have no financial support from them btw). They all work - they took my things to control me not because they can't afford it or they didn't think it was mine. I have to repurchase stuff before I've even moved out :(

My brother is the one that has taken my duvet. I don't want the duvet back & he would never pay me back for it either. AIBU to throw the duvet out??

So far, I have moved everything back into my bedroom & locked the door.

I want to throw the duvet out later while he's at work or put it in a black bag for when I move. (But it's now gross & used by him so....) I know when he'll get home he will start WW3, try to tear my locked door down and my mum will take his side as she idolises him. There will probably be a physical fight, but I'm so sick of him that I'm not even scared....what would you do?

He can use the duvet he replaced with mine 🙄 I'm sick of him controlling me and whatever the aftermath is, I don't care. I don't plan on maintaining contact with them when I move anyway, I don't speak to them now!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/09/2017 08:22

I would be tempted to cut the duvet into tiny little pieces and stick it all in every loo in your house and flush. But I would walk away if I were you, before something happens. Above all, don't get involved in any discussion. You could take it and have it cleaned, or you could leave it.

Gather the rest of your stuff and leave asap.

Contact your university student services and see what support they can offer you. You really need to gather what you can and go. Make sure you have all your papers, incl passport.

Don't go home again.

Sad
ArcheryAnnie · 14/09/2017 08:22

I am in awe of your organising abilities, and your resilience, OP.

I echo the others - move yourself out asap, even if you have to stay in a B&B or a Premier Inn for a couple of days.

Do you have a car?

Catsize · 14/09/2017 08:23

I admire you. And although it pains me to say it, I would get to uni early and then possibly look for a transfer to another university far away - assuming you are ceasing contact. Sounds extreme but do you think you'll be looking over your shoulder otherwise? I wish you all the best.

mumoffour1716154 · 14/09/2017 08:29

Hoping op is ok, and out of family/relatives house.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/09/2017 08:30

I agree that you should get out now, never mind waiting. Just collect all your stuff and go, ideally while they're all out so they don't actively try to hold you back.

Others have given good advice re. contacting the University; but even if they don't give you any joy, you might be able to get a couple of nights in a B&B in your University town when you get there, which is still better than staying at home.

I wouldn't put it past them to lock you IN your room to try and keep you there, so do a "moonlit flit" before they expect it.

TheMaddHugger · 14/09/2017 08:32

Mega Soft (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) Holly.

To Echo everyone else. Get out Now

Stuffofawesome · 14/09/2017 08:33

You brother is a shit of the highest order and you are amazing getting yourself so sorted. Agree leave today. I can help if you're in my town there are 2 unis here. Pm me if you want

picklemepopcorn · 14/09/2017 08:33

Call some friends. People need to know the situation. Go now, with as much of your stuff as you can take. Get friends in to help you.

Windytwigs · 14/09/2017 08:33

What's odd about this is the more highly educated the Indian girl (or boy) the better the marriage that can be brokered.

Indeed.
I've known quite a few Indian kids through dc friends, all of them have been made very well aware of the value of a good education. One year 4 girl told me how her parents wanted her to work towards becoming a doctor...

GlitterSparkles17 · 14/09/2017 08:34

Get out early, ring student support like other people have said and see if they can help, be completely honest about why you need to get out.

Please don't stay, they sound bitter, jealous and very dangerous.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/09/2017 08:34

Yet another poster who thinks you should leave today if possible, because you are in danger. They may lock you in, they may physically assault you. The university will help you, as will the other organisations mentioned.
Good luck for your future, you are very brave and strong.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 14/09/2017 08:35

Hope you are doing okay OP.

Don't pick a fight, not worth it. When can you move out earliest? And you can take your most expensive stuff and store it in the reception of your halls where you are moving in or someplace else. Are you going to uni in London or moving out of the city? And where will you stay during breaks etc?

Liiinoo · 14/09/2017 08:40

To those people saying that an education makes her more marriageable, it might be that her family does not have a good reputation so no matter how educated she is other families won't consider her suitable?

Good luck OP.

GeekLove · 14/09/2017 08:45

Contact the University as others have said. They could give you some help as to where you could stay in the city. It's possible that there are international students there already so you wouldn't be alone.

Is it possible you could tell the police you are trying to leave a violent domestic situation?

It might be worth contacting your old tutor if they are nearby. Perhaps they could help in the short term if you explain the situation.

phoebemac · 14/09/2017 08:50

I want to throw the duvet out later while he's at work or put it in a black bag for when I move. (But it's now gross & used by him so....) I know when he'll get home he will start WW3, try to tear my locked door down and my mum will take his side as she idolises him. There will probably be a physical fight, but I'm so sick of him that I'm not even scared....what would you do?

OP, if there is any verbal or physical violence or if you feel threatened and in danger, call the police. You don't have to put up with this. Coercive control is a criminal offence as is domestic violence.

LakieLady · 14/09/2017 08:55

Nothing to add to all the great advice, but wanted to say good luck, stay strong and I really hope that you can put all this shit behind you.

Your brother is a complete shit, btw.

becotide · 14/09/2017 08:57

Let them have whatever they have taken, try to find a friend to stash your things until you leave, then leaveand never ever look back. You are about to experience more freedom than you've ever had - you can wait a handful of hours for it.

becotide · 14/09/2017 08:58

PS if you are in Leicestershire, I have a car and don't mind storiing your things for a while

SusanTheGentle · 14/09/2017 08:59

Everyone's already said this but please do let the uni know - I work in one, there are things they can do to help. Start with student services, they're usually a good one stop shop who can make connections across different teams. Let the students union know if you have difficulties getting help with any uni team.

All universities have counselling teams too - I suggest self referring as soon as possible so you can talk all this through with someone external to the situation. Uni is tough and you are starting it in a tough spot - take advantage of the help where you can.

Also, they'll be a specific academic in charge of your course, and usually a specific administrator as well. Let both of these people know your situation as soon as you can so they are aware in case your family try to talk to them.

There's also probably a faith centre of some kind too, often called a chaplaincy. If you want to talk to a chaplain they'll have one for your faith - and that person will have seen it all before and may be a good ally. If not, they're often nice calm places to catch your breath, anyway.

Oh and use your library! The quicker you get to know it the better you'll do. Good luck!

Original poster
holly98 · 14/09/2017 09:09

Nothing has happened- I'm fine :)

Thank you for your kind replies - I really wasn't expecting this many. You're all so lovely and have completely turned my mood around. I have calmed down and can see that the stuff is irrelevant - I'm just excited to move again and be free of all this

He has left for work and i haven't spoken to either of them. I'm moving to halls tomorrow with my friend, we're at the same uni & her mum has said that she doesn't mind driving me down with her. I'm going to forget about the duvet and ignore the both of them until I leave. I have things to do today and have spoken to my friend about this, she's picking me up with my stuff tonight and I'll stay the night at hers. So I'll be out most of the day, leaving here tonight and moving tomorrow. Excited!

I was just annoyed about the stuff as although it won't cost much to replace, I have spent a lot recently - on that, my deposit & 6 weeks rent. So it was frustrating wasting money when I'm already broke. It's crazy that most of you ignored the stuff aspect of my post and focused on my abusive family dynamic instead - I guess as I see it all as normal i didn't notice how irrelevant the stuff actually is. I can see it's just their ego on overdrive the closer I get to leaving.

I'm trying to be vague as I'm scared that this thread may get media attention (it had a lot more replies then I thought and they would clock it was me from my first post) so sorry if I haven't been specific to your questions. I want you to know that you have all reaffirmed that I made the right decision in moving out and have given me great advice in sorting a mail redirection and speaking to my uni - thank you :) I plan on just keeping today a calm and confrontation free day - don't worry about me, nothing violent will be happening.

Thank you for all the concerned comments - really put the situation into clarity, at first didn't think anything extremely serious would happen but now I can see that it's not worth finding out regardless

Just want you to know that I have taken all the comments on board and really appreciate your help! You're all so lovely and helped me to see the bigger picture. Hope you all have a great day and thanks for the university good luck!! Xxxxx

OP posts:
namechangedforthisreply · 14/09/2017 09:10

Please stay safe, all your things are replaceable.

You sound so brave 👏🏻. Another person saying please get out of there today and look at contacting some of the organisations mentioned above

SusanTheGentle · 14/09/2017 09:12

You are going to do so well - you have totally got this. Good luck!

GladysKnight · 14/09/2017 09:13

You will go far! Indeed, you already have. Many many congratulations on getting yourself into uni.

mydogmymate · 14/09/2017 09:17

Good luck op. Onwards and upwards without your toxic family! Flowers

phoebemac · 14/09/2017 09:17

Good luck Holly, it's great that you will have a friend there with you when you leave tonight. Your new life awaits!