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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

controlling family taking my university supplies - how to react?

152 replies

holly98 · 14/09/2017 06:41

I wanted to get your advice & balanced adult opinions on a situation as I'm currently fuming and will probably make a rash decision

[BACKSTORY:
My '''family''' are Indian, backwards, & think a women's place is married off and in the kitchen. I was born & raised in London & and don't share their ideals. As a result, they have been verbally & physically abusive towards me my entire life.

I am 19 and moving out for university on Friday. I have been called many things since they found out (slag, no one wants you anyway etc). It has come to a head recently as they realise I'm actually leaving.]

Yesterday I prepped my stuff (toiletries, kitchen supplies, Nutribullet, clothing, room decor etc) in the spare room in boxes & suitcases ready to go. I have come downstairs this morning to find the packaging of the duvet that I purchased is in the kitchen bin????

Upon further inspection of my stuff, everything has been gone through & tampered with, some other bits have been used/taken. It's petty.

They know exactly why the items are in in that room. I paid for all of it with my own money (I have no financial support from them btw). They all work - they took my things to control me not because they can't afford it or they didn't think it was mine. I have to repurchase stuff before I've even moved out :(

My brother is the one that has taken my duvet. I don't want the duvet back & he would never pay me back for it either. AIBU to throw the duvet out??

So far, I have moved everything back into my bedroom & locked the door.

I want to throw the duvet out later while he's at work or put it in a black bag for when I move. (But it's now gross & used by him so....) I know when he'll get home he will start WW3, try to tear my locked door down and my mum will take his side as she idolises him. There will probably be a physical fight, but I'm so sick of him that I'm not even scared....what would you do?

He can use the duvet he replaced with mine 🙄 I'm sick of him controlling me and whatever the aftermath is, I don't care. I don't plan on maintaining contact with them when I move anyway, I don't speak to them now!

OP posts:
LunaTheCat · 14/09/2017 07:37

God, I just wanted to say well done. You are helluva brave. Good luck with uni. Let us know how you get on.

EastMidsMummy · 14/09/2017 07:37

I am so in awe of your strength and spirit, OP.

kateandme · 14/09/2017 07:39

when do you move hun.could you pseak to onsite helpers and explain the situ they should be there for you and accomate your needs and possibly could suggest bringing you or your stuff certainly earlier?
or a friends house to stay or at least store you stuff.
of course if you have the money rent a storage room for a few weeks.
for now.im obviously reminded of your safety.with some of these issues there can be an elemant of harm done to the young girl.so if this is the case you need to get out cautiously and quickly.do you no they will let you leave.you haven't overheard or become suspicious of any other plans being made?
if you are safe I might just leave it.act sweetly paint a smile on whilst behind it swearing and shitting on theire heads with all your inhead talking but on the outside you are just being calm cool and collected.wait and then booom you can be gone. I am thinking this on the level that if you kick off about a duvet could it escalate.
do you have the money to just get out and buy a new one on moving.yes it will mean sucking up to hideous behaviour but as you say your leaving.then it will be you with the ultimate win.the upper hand yours but in a calm way with no unsafety or repuciouns on actually leaving.
I don't want argument to ensue and behaviours to turn nasty or something out of the blue to occur due to sudden blow up.so you can simply leave on a whismy happy breeze away from them forever.
please be safe.please be cautious do what best for you to get out and onward with your life.im not belittling your material stuff but in the end a few years down the line they will mean nothing if it meant you got out smoothly.
I woud talk to some services at the uni though.or a shelter even.there will be this type of thing happening and help will be there.xx

Ilovecoleslaw · 14/09/2017 07:45

Op i second the posters that you need to get out ASAP.
Just grab whatever you can and get out, preferably while they're out.
Are you meant to be moving in tomorrow or next friday??
If tomorrow just go up there today, you'll be able to move in a day early if you explain youe situation. I suspect there are people there already.
Do your family know where you're going?
It's a really dangerous time for you op and you need to be really careful. Please don't hesitate to call 999 if you are in immediate danger.

Good luck and please update us Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2017 07:49

Which university are you going to? You may be able to get some stuff from someone on here, on free cycle etc.

BabsGanoush · 14/09/2017 07:49

Can you re-order the missing items but delay delivery until next week and get it delivered to uni?

scaryclown · 14/09/2017 07:50

I agree. You are amazing.

You could use a self storage unit or railway locker to drip feed things into, but I also agree that if I were you, I'd aim to leave ASAP. Storage won't cost that much, and you'll be in control of it.

You can get by on very little at uni, a week's worth of clothes, towel, toiletries, laptop, phone. Borrow cooking stuff, or just get a pan and a knife. Uni accommodation might have duvets, but it might be easier anyway given circumstances to buy on once your ultra key stuff is in your room.

I agree with telling student services that your family are difficult. I expect they will need to bat away attempts for information.

My experience is that unis are hot on this. I caught an abusive family trying to get info on a student after sending abusive emails for a period. One word and three security staff turned up, interviewed them gently until they trusted them, and were all open and friendly, then they scared the hell out of them with very loud and direct 'you are not to come here, if you come here you will be arrested, you will be ejected from site now, and you will never return. are we clear? ' it was very impressive and they were physically shaking. Do call in that help if you need to.

Good on you. You'll love uni.

Bobbins43 · 14/09/2017 07:51

I would also try and leave now. Or buy/replace the stuff when you get there? I think you are incredibly brave btw. My family background is not as bad but similar and I wish beyond all things I had moved away and not gone back.

You're almost there. You've almost made it. Grab your stuff and go and don't look back. Try and take your passport, birth certificate and any kind of official documentation too. And get your address changed for everything.

Best of luck to you x

ChasedByBees · 14/09/2017 07:52

Best of luck OP. Some universities will have hardship loans which could replace some of the stolen items. In the meantime, move what you can to a friends and move out as fast as possible. All the best.

kateandme · 14/09/2017 07:52

oh and well done you.for your getting into uni for your spirit and strength in this situ too.wow.
also could you simply get out of there now.go stay somewhere then come back for you stuff...if needs be with police or friends.

ChasedByBees · 14/09/2017 07:52

Actually I mean hardship grant, it's not a loan.

HotelEuphoria · 14/09/2017 07:53

Go now and leave what you can't carry. You can buy student packages which will be delivered to your new room for about £50 which include everything from duvet and bedding to pans and plates and cutlery. Only a couple of each in the table wear stuff, but you don't need more.

You are not alone, I read something similar on student room most years.

kateandme · 14/09/2017 07:53

or if money is actually not an issue order all new stuff and deliver to uni.(I understand this is prob not the case)

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 14/09/2017 07:53

I csn only echo the others whi have said to get out sooner - has a supportive friend somewhere you could stay with your stuff for a night?
They may try to physically prevent you leaving on Friday so if you can circumvent this then do.

misshannah · 14/09/2017 07:54

I work at a university and accommodation may not be able to release your room to you straight away, however they might be able to offer you something temporary until then. Ring them and see if they can help. They often have lots of rooms empty at this time of year as they only have international students and postgraduates. It may cost but in the long run you'll be safer and happier. Plus cheaper i expect than replacing everything.

TheKelpie · 14/09/2017 07:54

Im watching it now on catch up. I cant get used to Ulrikas new face. It doesn't fit her. She looked much better before.

misshannah · 14/09/2017 07:55

Also, the university won't disclose any details about you to family as you're over 18, but do make sure it's on your record. Just in case!

Mulberry72 · 14/09/2017 07:56

I, too have no practical advice to offer as PP's have given great advice already, other than, forget the duvet, get out today, do t give them any details of where you're going to be staying and talk to student support services for advice.

Good luck with your Uni course, stay safe & take care of you.

TheKelpie · 14/09/2017 07:56

Im so sorry OP, Im on the wrong thread.

But just to wish you all the very best for the future as you take this very brave step.

Flowers
lunar1 · 14/09/2017 07:57

Get yourself out of there asap. They are getting desperate.

velocitygir1 · 14/09/2017 07:59

If you are coming to Wolverhampton uni (on a punt!) I can help sort out accommodation being sorted for you quicker...

You need to leave now, don't look back. It is an immensely dangerous situation.

Please let us know you are safe.

OuaisMaisBon · 14/09/2017 08:00

Please, don't worry about the duvet and the other stuff, but please do try and leave asap, as suggested above, without the family being aware.
Good luck at university, enjoy your new life! I hope you can extricate yourself from them all and that you never have to go back there.

blueskyinmarch · 14/09/2017 08:13

First of all OP i want to say congratulations in getting into uni and breaking away from your family to follow your dreams. You seem like an intelligent and resourceful young woman.

I want to say that i think you need to rise above your family and their attempts to sabotage you moving out. Leave the duvet, say nothing and bide your time. I assume you are moving into hall and cannot go any sooner than Friday? Once you move you can contact your student support services department and outline what has happened. Universities have a budget to support students who are having some difficulties. You may well be eligible for some money to buy the things that have been taken from you. I have just enrolled as a mature student at my local uni and we had a talk from the support people. They were lovely and said they get money to support students and love to give it away rather than give it back to the government!

Good luck. Have a fab time at uni.

Ilovecoleslaw · 14/09/2017 08:16

Also, op you need to let your uni know that nothing is to be told to your family if they ring etc.
It's not guaranteed that they won't say anything just because you're over 18, especiallyif they aren't aware of your situation.
When i started uni a few years ago, they contacted my family multiple times for ridiculous reasons, one of them being my personal tutor couldn't get hold of me on my mobile Hmm
So definitely make them aware op

steppedonlego · 14/09/2017 08:18

Echoing everyone else OP. If you are Hertfordshire based please PMme and I will help any way I can with transport/storage for the weekend etcetc