controlling family taking my university supplies - how to react?

[holly98]

I wanted to get your advice & balanced adult opinions on a situation as I'm currently fuming and will probably make a rash decision

[BACKSTORY:
My '''family''' are Indian, backwards, & think a women's place is married off and in the kitchen. I was born & raised in London & and don't share their ideals. As a result, they have been verbally & physically abusive towards me my entire life.

I am 19 and moving out for university on Friday. I have been called many things since they found out (slag, no one wants you anyway etc). It has come to a head recently as they realise I'm actually leaving.]

Yesterday I prepped my stuff (toiletries, kitchen supplies, Nutribullet, clothing, room decor etc) in the spare room in boxes & suitcases ready to go. I have come downstairs this morning to find the packaging of the duvet that I purchased is in the kitchen bin????

Upon further inspection of my stuff, everything has been gone through & tampered with, some other bits have been used/taken. It's petty.

They know exactly why the items are in in that room. I paid for all of it with my own money (I have no financial support from them btw). They all work - they took my things to control me not because they can't afford it or they didn't think it was mine. I have to repurchase stuff before I've even moved out :(

My brother is the one that has taken my duvet. I don't want the duvet back & he would never pay me back for it either. AIBU to throw the duvet out??

So far, I have moved everything back into my bedroom & locked the door.

I want to throw the duvet out later while he's at work or put it in a black bag for when I move. (But it's now gross & used by him so....) I know when he'll get home he will start WW3, try to tear my locked door down and my mum will take his side as she idolises him. There will probably be a physical fight, but I'm so sick of him that I'm not even scared....what would you do?

He can use the duvet he replaced with mine 🙄 I'm sick of him controlling me and whatever the aftermath is, I don't care. I don't plan on maintaining contact with them when I move anyway, I don't speak to them now!

Good luck at University !
I predict you will have a great time

Can you not start moving out now? People are worried as we see too many situations for a woman in your position ending badly. No one thinks it will happen to them, no one thinks they're family, the ones they're supposed to be able to trust and rely on would ever do anything bad, until it's too late.

Obviously you know your family and none of us do, but they don't sound great from what you've said. Wash the duvet and down the money on getting a taxi out of there now.

Wishing you all the best

Sorry X-posted with you at 9.10 but glad you are sorted for today. Please take care and today is the start of a new life for you

Oh well done Holly!

Have an amazing start to your new life, one that you choose and is right for you. I think you will go very far indeed. Remember the best revenge is to be happy and carefree !!

Show the world what you are made of, make some good and strong friends that will look out for you and you need nothing more (and definitely not an old duvet) We are all cheering you on!

Best wishes Holly. You are going to have a blast.

Just wanted to say that it sounds like a wonderful future lies ahead for you and I wish you all the very best. You sound courageous and determined and I hope you create a fulfilling life for yourself away from your toxic family. It's amazing you've suffered them all this time without being worn down by their attitudes and behaviours. I really do wish you all the very best. Good luck at university!

If you can get out now, while everyone's away then you really should. If he is physical with you then that is assault, brother or not. Can you go and in a Travel Lodge or somewhere for the night if you don't have friends that you can stay with.
I would talk to student services. I would also take the sodding duvet and clean if at a laundrette if it bothers you that he's used it. You could also talked to student services about staying in your accommodation during the hols ( you;ll have about 4 weeks off over Xmas time prob) so that you don't have to go back. They're really helpful to students in need - I had to stay on campus most hols because of money/distance from home.

You are a really strong, resourceful person. Hold onto that and contact the student support which has been suggested. You will go far in life. What doesn't kill you makes you strong. Wishing you every success in your new life. Your brother sounds jealous!

Good luck at uni, hope you have a fantastic time & with your attitude I'm sure you'll go far.

Have a great time at uni. I am sure you will.

I would look into whether there is anywhere local that you can store your stuff should you have to remove it over Christmas and Easter breaks rather than taking it home with you. There may be some type of storage rental facility.

Good luck op.

Will they be home when you're leaving tonight?
I'm so worried they'll try and stop you from leaving!

Good luck for your wonderful future

You'll soar once you're away from them!

Well done! Glad your friends mum is picking you up tonight. Do post again when you're safe or if things get too much again.

When you have left these awful people, you will see how lucky you are to have learned that your freedom and happiness came at such a low price

You have the rest of your life to enjoy, to make up for the pain and suffering you have endured. Many of us stay trapped for decades, either unable to get out, or in denial. all the while the poison eats away at our self esteem.

There have been some great recommendations about getting further support, please get all the help you need to never ever have to go back.

Time for you to stretch those beautiful wings and fly as far and as high as you can.

please let us know how things go? please let us know you are safe and well on the other side of this?

As soon as you get to university, speak to student services and tell them that you've left a violent domestic situation. Also, that you don't want any personal letters going to your home address vut your student address. I would also use a friend as an emergency contact instead of your family.
It might be an idea to show a picture of your brother and have him barred from the university premises in case he comes to harm or abduct you.

The other thing I would do is to call the police none emergency number on 101 & inform them of your brother's violence & intimidation against you. It is for their records and for your protection in the future should he try anything. You are not pressing charges now but recording it for later.

Also, don't go home for the holidays now that you are leaving make it permanent. Get a job and stay away from the family home for the holidays.

Good luck Holly. You will meet new and lovely friends at university, unburdened by your familys baggage. It's great that you are being collected tonight and that someone from outside the family is expecting you. Remember that the full force of the law will be on your side if they try anything. Stay safe and don't underestimate your family or let them persuade you to do something you don't want to do.

please let us know when you are out and safe (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))🌺🌼🌺

Best of luck to you. I know an Indian girl whose parents don't approve of her choice of career and much less of her choice of man (white Londoner) so I understand your concerns. They wanted her to marry another Indian. Her sister is a doctor and that's what they wanted her to do also. She did psychology and now works as an occupational health therapist within the mental health area. Her parents don't count that as a proper career.

She is now independent and flying in her career. Good at it too. You sound very independent and will fly through uni. All my best wishes to you.

The pps idea about taking a photo of the brother so that security are aware is a good idea as well as letting University welfare be aware you are leaving a violent domestic situation.

Just beware of the adrenaline backwash once you are safe it could catch you unaware. Plus you may well find you miss them, but you are missing a situation as it should have been not them. They are the problem not you.

Please let us know your safe op.

Im really glad you're getting out today. Please let us know when you've left.

Well done, OP.

I just wanted to add: please do use the support services at your university. There will be trained counsellors who can help you to work through some of the things you have experienced. Leaving home can be a difficult experience when you come from an emotionally abusive background, because it's often only when you are out of the situation and able to compare with other people that you realise how unusual and bad it was.

Also, please check out immediately what arrangements can be made over vacations so that you don't have to return home if you don't want to. In particular, it would be a good idea for you to leave most of your things at university so that they can't be taken or interfered with should you go on a visit. Accommodation offices aren't always the most helpful places, but with a bit of explanation, something should be able to be sorted out.

Hi Holly,

I just wanted to chip in and say that I escaped an abusive situation when I went to Uni and cannot explain the relief and happiness I felt when I stepped off the bus in the Uni city. I really hope you feel the same and wish you every happiness and success on your course. Take care and good luck!

Good luck. You're an inspiration!

Can you go to the Police, they might be able to put you in contact with appropriate organisations. Mabey WA as well. Do you think they will try to hurt you?