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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

controlling family taking my university supplies - how to react?

152 replies

holly98 · 14/09/2017 06:41

I wanted to get your advice & balanced adult opinions on a situation as I'm currently fuming and will probably make a rash decision

[BACKSTORY:
My '''family''' are Indian, backwards, & think a women's place is married off and in the kitchen. I was born & raised in London & and don't share their ideals. As a result, they have been verbally & physically abusive towards me my entire life.

I am 19 and moving out for university on Friday. I have been called many things since they found out (slag, no one wants you anyway etc). It has come to a head recently as they realise I'm actually leaving.]

Yesterday I prepped my stuff (toiletries, kitchen supplies, Nutribullet, clothing, room decor etc) in the spare room in boxes & suitcases ready to go. I have come downstairs this morning to find the packaging of the duvet that I purchased is in the kitchen bin????

Upon further inspection of my stuff, everything has been gone through & tampered with, some other bits have been used/taken. It's petty.

They know exactly why the items are in in that room. I paid for all of it with my own money (I have no financial support from them btw). They all work - they took my things to control me not because they can't afford it or they didn't think it was mine. I have to repurchase stuff before I've even moved out :(

My brother is the one that has taken my duvet. I don't want the duvet back & he would never pay me back for it either. AIBU to throw the duvet out??

So far, I have moved everything back into my bedroom & locked the door.

I want to throw the duvet out later while he's at work or put it in a black bag for when I move. (But it's now gross & used by him so....) I know when he'll get home he will start WW3, try to tear my locked door down and my mum will take his side as she idolises him. There will probably be a physical fight, but I'm so sick of him that I'm not even scared....what would you do?

He can use the duvet he replaced with mine 🙄 I'm sick of him controlling me and whatever the aftermath is, I don't care. I don't plan on maintaining contact with them when I move anyway, I don't speak to them now!

OP posts:
Rhubarbz · 14/09/2017 07:11

Can you leave today? Probably best not to spoil for a fight. They are clearly clearly abusive and you just need to get out in one piece. You are at risk of serious harm I suspect.

When does uni start? If you have no immediate accommodation you can go to, ring uni student services at 9am and explain you're family are abusive and it's getting worse and you need to get out fast.

Leave today. Have nothing more to do with them.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

debbs77 · 14/09/2017 07:13

Just wanted to say how strong I think you are!!! Going to uni without any support, getting all your own stuff brought and sorted without help. You're amazing!

Wish you all the best at Uni......being the first woman in your family to really fight for what you want! Amazing!

Rhubarbz · 14/09/2017 07:15

Sod the duvet! In the big scheme it's just one small thing in a mountain of crap

MrsOverTheRoad · 14/09/2017 07:15

OP if I were rich I would personally order you a beautiful linen duvet and have it sent to your new digs. But I'm not so all I can give you is my admiration.

Well done! On all you have achieved!

Let him have the old one...you can get a new one!

NorksAreMessy · 14/09/2017 07:16

"nevertheless, she persisted"

You have my utmost respect

GemmaCollinsBabes · 14/09/2017 07:18

Wow you're being abused in your home by your family. I'm sorry to hear this, it is not how families from any culture should operate.

I once had an emergency whilst a student and my halls let me arrive a week early with little notice. I suggest contacting them.
Are you moving a considerable distance?

OhTheRoses · 14/09/2017 07:18

What's odd about this is the more highly educated the Indian girl (or boy) the better the marriage that can be brokered.

GemmaCollinsBabes · 14/09/2017 07:19

And as for the duvet. Leave it, it truly isn't worth it to have a physical fight over a duvet - he will win if you engage him.

mogulfield · 14/09/2017 07:19

You've had some great advice on here, so nothing to add apart from I think you're inspirational.
Tomorrow is the first day of your life without them and I suspect it's going to be awesome and you'll achieve an awful lot.

Steeley113 · 14/09/2017 07:20

Just leave it. Quietly leave and make provisions to never return. You are amazing for challenging and overcoming this archaic behaviour from your family. I wish you all the luck and success in the world!

Patchouli666 · 14/09/2017 07:22

I'm really concerned that this could escalate when you do go to uni and they will up the threat level when you are there. I agree with the pp who said contact woman's aid. Maybe a call to the police on the non emergency number so they are aware.
Do your family know where you are going to uni?
I'm so sorry you are going through this sweetheart. My dd is off to uni in a week and I would never treat her like this and make her feel rubbish like you do now. It should be full of excitement and anticipation.

MissEliza · 14/09/2017 07:22

As others have said, I'd get out today. They are likely to be spoiling for a fight. Well done for making it to uni with such a difficult background.

SoupDragon · 14/09/2017 07:22

I agree. Leave now.

sandgrown · 14/09/2017 07:22

Please look after yourself and get out as soon as possible. The duvet is not important but your safety is. Ring student services to check if you can go now. Contact Karma Nirvana for advice on staying safe in the future. Good luck at uni x

Domino20 · 14/09/2017 07:23

Ohtheroses....I'm guessing that the OP doesn't want a marriage 'brokered' on her behalf?! OP I live in central London. If you need to leave your things somewhere safe and stay over please feel free to contact me. As others have said, leave now and the duvet is the least of your problems. Stay safe x

Tamatoa · 14/09/2017 07:23

Yes to leaving now. Even if you have to eat plain bread for a week for the cost, stay in a b&b. Nothing is worth your own safety for.

kaytee87 · 14/09/2017 07:24

As pp said I think you should leave now if at all possible, even if you can afford to stay in a cheap hotel?

Well done on your persistence, you'll do great at uni. You sound very mature and determined.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 14/09/2017 07:25

Breathe deeply. Stay strong. Begin to live your dreams and enjoy the rest of your life. You're an inspiration.

Hepzibar · 14/09/2017 07:28

Sandgrown has just said what I came on to say.

Call Karma Nirvana now for advice and a safe exit and report the abuse to the police.

Undercoverbanana · 14/09/2017 07:30

You are so courageous. So inspired by your determination to build your own life. Get out now. Forget the duvet. Let it just be a symbol of everything that is dysfunctional about your family dynamic. Use the organisations suggested by others. These people may be your blood family but they will not define the person you are and will become. Wishing you all the best for your independent future.

Noodledoodlefan · 14/09/2017 07:32

Leave now.

Just take with you what you can carry in a couple of suitcases. Leave behind anything that has been tampered with.

Speak to the University student services / accomadation office.
All universities offer pastoral care to students and it will be confidential.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Scentofwater · 14/09/2017 07:33

Op I used to work in student services at a uni- in situations like this we would try to help you move in early (are you in halls?) to keep you safe.

Contact your uni straight away and explain the situation, don't minimise anything.

It may also be a good idea to tell them you will be estranged from your family, so if your brother or parents come looking for you/ phone about you they won't be told anything about you.

Make sure you change and keep updated your address with the uni and loans etc so no letters go to your old home address.

Good luck and enjoy this new adventure!

RedHelenB · 14/09/2017 07:33

I wonder why they signed your student finance if they didn't want you to go? And who is going to transport all that stuff to uni?

whitehandledkitchenknife · 14/09/2017 07:34

I came on to suggest contacting Karma Nirvana too. Also to contacting Student Support Service at your uni immediately.

GrumpyMcGrumpFace · 14/09/2017 07:36

leave, now. Take money, what cards you have, passport and any other important papers. You don't need the duvet/pots/pans etc. There are grants and bursaries for young people in your situation, so you just let to need uni know what's going on. Really hard I know Sad. You can do this, and so much more. Go to someone you trust, or straight to uni (I do hope there's someone in your life you can trust though x)

Sending strength!