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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I should have had warning of child allergies??

145 replies

Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 18:46

Hi there I'm an it of a lurker on these boards but wanted to get some opinion on this. I will try to be clear in my post...

Mum I know vaguely from school playground (her dc's in different yeargroups to mine) asked to come round for coffee this afternoon after school with her DC's as we are (sort of) neighbours.

I'm quite new to the area and thought this would be lovely to get to know some local mums so agreed. She arrived with her four DC's in tow (two preschool age!) and within five minutes of being at our house got a phone message. She then proceeded to ask if she could leave her four kids with me (I've never met two of them before tonight!) whilst she attended to a "quick work issue".

I agreed and she asked if it would be too much trouble to feed the eldest two with mine so she could them get them straight to after school clubs. I'm the sort who doesn't like confrontation so said yes and offered to feed the smaller ones (thought it would be unfair to not include them). She agreed and as she departed she said, "oh just pile DC4's (he's three) plate with steamed veggies - he loves those!"

Dutifully I made tea and did as she asked but gave friends DC4 the sausages the others were having but made sure he had plenty of veggies too.

Well it turns out he has food allergies and as a consequence of me, "Not following her explicit instructions". (!!!) he's now potentially on the way to A&E because I could have set off an allergic reaction! I've apparently upset the whole of her planned evening and caused her DH to have to come home early and ruined his important business meeting because I went ahead and disregarded her instructions. (Note that She has ranted at me by text about how I've upset her evening and put both her and DH OUT rather than the fact I could have killed her DC!)

I am horrified and feeling amazingly upset and guilty about this. Had I any inkling he was allergic to anything I'd not have given him it. I feel so responsible but not for upsetting her evening but because now the poor boy is looking like he's possibly off to hospital tonight. I still don't know what he's actually allergic to (she hasn't replied to my text yet!) that could cause this and he didn't have a reaction whilst he was at mine but she rushed them all off after I mentioned he'd eaten some sausages. AIBU to think she should have been a lot clearer that he had allergies or would anyone else have taken what she said the same way? I'm really devastated ...

OP posts:
altiara · 13/09/2017 18:49

Yes definitely you should have had warning about allergies!

littlecabbages · 13/09/2017 18:49

YANBU at all. It's her responsibility to tell you these things.
Plus she sounds like a right cheeky mare and not someone to be too close with.

ChelleDawg2020 · 13/09/2017 18:50

You haven't done anything wrong. It's her responsibility to warn you that her child has an allergy. Frankly she sounds like she was taking advantage of you, and it is disgraceful of her to lash out at you over what was her mistake.

Telling you to give the child lots of vegetables does not equal an instruction not to give them something else as well.

You are best off without some self-centred idiot like this person in your life, so don't beat yourself up too much that they might not be knocking on your door any time soon when they need someone to cover their childcare.

PinkHeart5913 · 13/09/2017 18:51

So this child has an allergy and the mother just dumped him on you to sort out her " work issue" that conviently happened after she'd invited herself to your house for a cup of tea.

The allergy is also so bad, the child's mother forget to mention it to you Confused

You did nothing wrong and I don't think you've anything to feel guilty for

The mother however is a cheeky moo that planned to dump her dc on you when she invited herself over and should guilty for not telling you her child had an allergy

Myheartbelongsto · 13/09/2017 18:51

I'd tell her to fuck right off in future.

Her child, her responsibility to inform you.

DancingLedge · 13/09/2017 18:51

How awful for you.
A parent of a child with allergies needs to be clear and explicit about what the child mustn't have. She wasn't.

Her fault. Not yours.

Monoblock67 · 13/09/2017 18:51

She 100% should have told you what you could and couldn't feed him. If she never explicitly said 'don't give him X' then the onus is on her for this not you!
Also what a CF inviting herself over and asking you to keep her children, I've a lurking feeling the 'work issue' was something she knew before she even came to you and she was looking for someone to foist her kids off onto.
Deep breaths OP. If she responds with any kind of anger just say that she should have been clearer with what you weren't allowed to give him.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 13/09/2017 18:52

Definitely not being unreasonable! Negligent of that mother not to mention hard faced.

CanIGoToBedNow · 13/09/2017 18:52

This woman is a cheeky fucker who should be grateful to you for looking after her four children Angry for you

AndersArms · 13/09/2017 18:52

She sounds like a cheeky fucker who was only too happy to take advantage of your kindness. Absolutely the obligation was on her to inform you. The only acceptable response to you having done her a favour is to thank you profusely. If it were me I would be icily pointing this out.

lalalalyra · 13/09/2017 18:53

Absolutely not your fault.

What a ridiculous risk to take with your child ffs. Especially when said child I'd obviously too young to know himself what triggers him.

desperatelyseekingcaffeine · 13/09/2017 18:53

Ridiculous! My children have allergies and I'd never have allowed someone else to feed them without being sure they knew what they could and couldn't eat. Not to mention the cheekiness of the whole thing, disregarding the allergy issue.

JuicyCake · 13/09/2017 18:54

Sounds like a drama-person. At least now you know. Don't get involved with her again.

Spam88 · 13/09/2017 18:56

Don't feel bad OP, you've done nothing wrong. I'd have taken what she said to mean he really liked veg so give him lots of that along with whatever else they're having. What kind of parent doesn't inform someone feeding their child of an allergy?? God I still tell everyone about my sister's allergy and she's definitely old enough to look after herself 😬

PollyFlint · 13/09/2017 18:56

First of all, she shouldn't have asked you to look after her kids in the first place, let alone feed them. Secondly, she should OBVIOUSLY have told you about the child's allergy. Thirdly, even if the child didn't have an allergy, she should assume that if you agree to feed her kids at zero notice you'll be giving them whatever you're having, not steaming them vegetables to order.

I don't believe for one moment that she just wanted to pop round for coffee and got called away unexpectedly, either. She knew the work issue was going to come up, couldn't arrange childcare and so thought she'd dump them on you and pretend it was an unforeseen emergency. What a fucking bitch.

Thirtyrock39 · 13/09/2017 18:56

If the allergies are that serious would she not have had to leave you with an epipen anyway?

Smartiepants79 · 13/09/2017 18:57

What extraordinary behaviour. She invited herself and all her children round to your house. Then proceeded to leave them with you and get you to feed them????? and she's the one who's pissed off?
Amazing. This is , of course, not your fault or responsibilty. Her evening is her problem. If her child has potentially life threatening allergies she shouldn't leave him with a virtual stranger with no information.
I hope this is just a bad reaction to her feeling very, very guilty. Sadly I doubt it. I'd simply say you hope he is better soon and then step away. Don't get involved with her she is going to be very hard work.

Mamabear4180 · 13/09/2017 18:58

Wtf! What a total arsehole to blame you for her communication issues! Imagine asking a complete stranger to babysit the first time you meet for coffee Shock what a total weirdo!

Please don't feel guilty this is not your fault at all!

Original poster
Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 18:58

I had wondered when she conveniently got the work message even before the kettle had boiled. Her DC's were pleasant enough and no trouble really but so far I haven't yet seen an ambulance arrive at her house (she lives on the road behind us - but I feel like such a stalker because I keep looking out of the window to check! Both her and her DH cars still on the drive.

I would NEVER have given him anything that might have made him il and was only trying to make new mum friends. This move has been hard on us all and moving in the middle of the school holidays wasn't easy because we didn't have time to meet anyone else. We've left family behind too (DH work relocation) so I am desperate to make new friends. I work PT so today was the first pick up I've done since last week and she made a bee line for me and was really nice. I'm now getting the feeling she has form and has possibly singled me out because she knows I live nearby. I don't know enough people locally to have sussed this out yet.

I'm still feeling really bad for the poor boy though if I have made him ill!

OP posts:
Coloursthatweremyjoy · 13/09/2017 18:58

She was taking advantage of you...it backfired...sucks to be her.

I'd have given him lots of veggies and the sausages as well, anyone would have.

Ignore her.

WineAndTiramisu · 13/09/2017 18:59

I don't believe that was an unexpected work issue, you were free childcare I'm afraid!

And I've never heard of an allergy to sausages Confused although I'm sure it must be possible...

Bigcomfyknickers · 13/09/2017 19:00

So, did she at any point mention the word 'allergy' to you? I am assuming not as she just asked for her dc to be given a plate of vegetables. I would let her know that if you had been informed of any allergies then naturally you would have given appropriate food. This is in no way your fault. You did her a massive favour looking after her dc. She sounds manipulative.

Original poster
Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 19:01

And yes Thirtyrock39 that thought stuck me too - no epipen so it can't be a life or death situation can it? I wondered if he might have a gluten intolerance or coeliac (?) disease? I have no clue what else might cause a reaction with sausages unless he has a bit allergy (I am not an expert in this!!).

OP posts:
Anasnake · 13/09/2017 19:01

Did he actually have a reaction or just 'could have' - tell her to fuck off, she's taking the piss

IggyAce · 13/09/2017 19:02

Not your fault at all. One of my DCs has a tomato allergy and I always mention it when accepting a party invite or if he is going to a friend's for tea. Plus I remind the host at drop off.

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