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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I should have had warning of child allergies??

145 replies

Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 18:46

Hi there I'm an it of a lurker on these boards but wanted to get some opinion on this. I will try to be clear in my post...

Mum I know vaguely from school playground (her dc's in different yeargroups to mine) asked to come round for coffee this afternoon after school with her DC's as we are (sort of) neighbours.

I'm quite new to the area and thought this would be lovely to get to know some local mums so agreed. She arrived with her four DC's in tow (two preschool age!) and within five minutes of being at our house got a phone message. She then proceeded to ask if she could leave her four kids with me (I've never met two of them before tonight!) whilst she attended to a "quick work issue".

I agreed and she asked if it would be too much trouble to feed the eldest two with mine so she could them get them straight to after school clubs. I'm the sort who doesn't like confrontation so said yes and offered to feed the smaller ones (thought it would be unfair to not include them). She agreed and as she departed she said, "oh just pile DC4's (he's three) plate with steamed veggies - he loves those!"

Dutifully I made tea and did as she asked but gave friends DC4 the sausages the others were having but made sure he had plenty of veggies too.

Well it turns out he has food allergies and as a consequence of me, "Not following her explicit instructions". (!!!) he's now potentially on the way to A&E because I could have set off an allergic reaction! I've apparently upset the whole of her planned evening and caused her DH to have to come home early and ruined his important business meeting because I went ahead and disregarded her instructions. (Note that She has ranted at me by text about how I've upset her evening and put both her and DH OUT rather than the fact I could have killed her DC!)

I am horrified and feeling amazingly upset and guilty about this. Had I any inkling he was allergic to anything I'd not have given him it. I feel so responsible but not for upsetting her evening but because now the poor boy is looking like he's possibly off to hospital tonight. I still don't know what he's actually allergic to (she hasn't replied to my text yet!) that could cause this and he didn't have a reaction whilst he was at mine but she rushed them all off after I mentioned he'd eaten some sausages. AIBU to think she should have been a lot clearer that he had allergies or would anyone else have taken what she said the same way? I'm really devastated ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 19:03

*bit should read nut!!

Now I've calmed down a bit and read some responses I'm actually feeling a little angry. At no point did she tell me ANY of hem had an allergy. But then again none of the older DC's told me either and if it were something bad then surely they (aged 8 and 10) would have known and told me?

OP posts:
Samsunie · 13/09/2017 19:04

Cheeky fucker! I think she set the whole thing up so you'd look after her kids. You need to nip this in the bud. She was 100% unreasonable not to tell you about the allergies. I'd be telling her so. Don't let her walk over you and nip this in the bud before she comes begging you to look after them again, because she will.

Original poster
Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 19:06

She said "could" have a reaction not would. I am blessed to have children who don't have allergies and have had no experience with children who do so I'm sitting here thinking I could be responsible for alsorts happening to that poor boy! He's still only a baby really.

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 13/09/2017 19:06

She is an utter knob......SHE is being TU, you are not. X

CaptainHammer · 13/09/2017 19:06

You've done nothing wrong and she is a cheeky fucker

SparklyMagpie · 13/09/2017 19:07

You did absolutely nothing wrong OP, although I know id feel the same too

Definitely seems coincidental that she had to leave straight away. Don't have the kids again and tbh, I wouldn't bother with her in future unless there was an apology

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2017 19:09

No please don't feel bad, she was a total utter wanker not to tell you that the boy had allergies. Your not a mind reader. Her responsibility, her fault. Have nothing more to do with her again.

Gottagetmoving · 13/09/2017 19:11

SHE let her child down. You did nothing wrong.
If I were you I would not take any criticism from her whatsoever. If she even hints that it's your fault you should put her in her place.

Original poster
Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 19:11

She definitely DID NOT mention allergies otherwise I'd have panicked and said no for fear of this very thing happening!!

Thank you all - I actually feel so much better for posting now! I'm definitely going to be really wary now with other parents. I miss my old town and we had a lovely set of school parents so I guess I'm feeling it because it's such a big change! The old school my DC's went to was a small village school with two year groups per class and most people were amazing. This is a much bigger two class intake school and feels huge and I feel lost in the playground a bit.

I'll have to take more time sussing it out but the positive in all this is I guess is that the playground is big enough for me to avoid her in future!

OP posts:
Thisismadness · 13/09/2017 19:12

As the older sibling of someone with a bad allergy I was well trained to alert anyone who tried to give her anything that would have set it off. I don't believe this is a serious allergy the whole family would always be on the alert.

ChasedByBees · 13/09/2017 19:20

She is Queen of Cheeky Fuckers and in a way, it's quite good she went 'all in' on the cheeky fuckery so early. You now knowto give her a wide berth.

Dumping four children with you and saying just give them all dinner and lots of steamed veg. Shock Who does that?

eddielizzard · 13/09/2017 19:20

i think she was using you for free childcare. she should have told you about allergies of course. doesn't sound like he actually had a reaction.

steer well clear of her! there are nice people around. don't worry, you'll find them.

maddening · 13/09/2017 19:20

I would reply - next time you dump your dc to get some cheeky free childcare explain yourself properly - eg dc cannot have x Y or z due to allergies. It was your feckless behaviour that caused this.

I am sorry for your dc and hope they are OK but I refuse to apologise that you put me in this position. I am putting down your awful text message as your being worried about your dc else I would have been expecting a full apology from you.

FlyingGiraffeBox · 13/09/2017 19:21

Hmm. Has he really got an actual allergy? I'm not convinced that anyone with a child with a real, genuine life threatening allergy would be so utterly careless and stupid, cheeky fucker or not. Sure it's not one of those 'not diagnosed but he has a bit of a bad tummy after sausages so I googled it' type things? The fact none of the other children mentioned it is suspicious too. Very weird woman. Avoid like the plague!

BarbarianMum · 13/09/2017 19:24

I don't know a single parent of a child with serious allergies that would act in this way - to the point that I doubt her story. Honestly, having a kid with serious allergies is really stressful - ds1 used to go everywhere with a pack up to avoid this sort of situation.

BarbarianMum · 13/09/2017 19:25

And i agree that its really odd that none of the other children mentioned anything.

Original poster
Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 19:27

maddening I wish I had the balls to text her that!

I've still not heard anything and do actually now wonder if she's google diagnosed something herself.

OP posts:
kali110 · 13/09/2017 19:29

Tell her to get stuffed.
Tell her she should have told you what Allergies he had before she dumped him on you.
The only person who should be feeling bad is her.
Tell any other parents the same thing.
She wanted a night out and used you.
Stop engaging with her, tell her to do one.

Louiselouie0890 · 13/09/2017 19:30

Yanbu. I wouldn't take "fill his plate with steamed veggies" as instructions. I'd take it as her telling me he likes them.so put extra in his plate. Who the hell gives just a plate of steamed veggies?

kali110 · 13/09/2017 19:30

Op, yes text what mad has said, you will feel so much better.
She is the one in the wrong.

quercuscircus · 13/09/2017 19:31

What?!!! She was completely unreasonable and bonkers! Cheeky mare.

But I cant imagine that there are too many more like her so I think you should look at it as having got the worst of it out of the way early on!!!

Remember she's probably known by others for being batshit so hold your head up and try not to be sacred of the others mums. You'll probably end up bonding over this story with some others who have had run ins with her :)

TurnipCake · 13/09/2017 19:31

"If your child has allergies it's your responsibility to tell me. But in order to be safe in the future, it's probably best for me not to have your kids over"

That'll learn the cheeky fucker

SongforSal · 13/09/2017 19:32

She sounds like an utter Twatt.

Essentially you provided short term childcare for a stranger, and have now been berated for it.

If the allergies were so serious, she would have been a better parent. Not your fault.

Ttbb · 13/09/2017 19:32

But you did follow her explicit instructions (you gave dc lots of veggies). Her instructions not to give him anything else were very implicit if that.

bookwormsforever · 13/09/2017 19:34

So he ate the meal and seemed fine
He had no reaction
He's still not had a reaction
And you've had bonkers messages.

My God. She is the queen of cheeky fuckers. Leaving all her dc with you when you don't know them; asking you to feed them; and then complaining thet one 'may' have an allergic reaction?

Fucking fruit loop.

Avoid in future.

And yes, send maddening's text!