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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I should have had warning of child allergies??

145 replies

Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 18:46

Hi there I'm an it of a lurker on these boards but wanted to get some opinion on this. I will try to be clear in my post...

Mum I know vaguely from school playground (her dc's in different yeargroups to mine) asked to come round for coffee this afternoon after school with her DC's as we are (sort of) neighbours.

I'm quite new to the area and thought this would be lovely to get to know some local mums so agreed. She arrived with her four DC's in tow (two preschool age!) and within five minutes of being at our house got a phone message. She then proceeded to ask if she could leave her four kids with me (I've never met two of them before tonight!) whilst she attended to a "quick work issue".

I agreed and she asked if it would be too much trouble to feed the eldest two with mine so she could them get them straight to after school clubs. I'm the sort who doesn't like confrontation so said yes and offered to feed the smaller ones (thought it would be unfair to not include them). She agreed and as she departed she said, "oh just pile DC4's (he's three) plate with steamed veggies - he loves those!"

Dutifully I made tea and did as she asked but gave friends DC4 the sausages the others were having but made sure he had plenty of veggies too.

Well it turns out he has food allergies and as a consequence of me, "Not following her explicit instructions". (!!!) he's now potentially on the way to A&E because I could have set off an allergic reaction! I've apparently upset the whole of her planned evening and caused her DH to have to come home early and ruined his important business meeting because I went ahead and disregarded her instructions. (Note that She has ranted at me by text about how I've upset her evening and put both her and DH OUT rather than the fact I could have killed her DC!)

I am horrified and feeling amazingly upset and guilty about this. Had I any inkling he was allergic to anything I'd not have given him it. I feel so responsible but not for upsetting her evening but because now the poor boy is looking like he's possibly off to hospital tonight. I still don't know what he's actually allergic to (she hasn't replied to my text yet!) that could cause this and he didn't have a reaction whilst he was at mine but she rushed them all off after I mentioned he'd eaten some sausages. AIBU to think she should have been a lot clearer that he had allergies or would anyone else have taken what she said the same way? I'm really devastated ...

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 13/09/2017 21:32

Op well done on sending the reply that you did. You should be proud of yourself. I bet it feels good. Now remember that the next time any of these cheeky pisstakers try to take the piss. A few more times and it will come naturally to you.
As I said earlier you can have a fairly robust disagreement with someone but it doesn't need to turn into a major confrontation. When you show people you are prepared to stand up for yourself they usually back down

Chilver · 13/09/2017 21:34

My DD had an instant and violent reaction to dairy... and yet I'd still only class it as an intolerance and would never rush her off to the hospital!! And, even at the age of 3, she would ask if there was dairy in anything someone tried to feed her... this mother is taking the piss, big time!

KrytensNanobots · 13/09/2017 21:35

You what??? Not read all the replies, but how on this earth was that remotely your fault?!
I don't even know where to start with this one!

Does she think you're psychic? That you have a crystal ball?! Confused
Allergies are awful (I suffer from them myself) so I'd feel upset thinking I'd caused one and would always take them seriously.
If he genuinely did suffer from them though she's bloody stupid not to have said anything. Not to mention weird as you'd think it was the first thing she'd mention. Hmm
Not your fault in the slightest.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2017 21:41

Well done, I woukd have also told her tgat she should have told you about his allergy, and things he can and can't have.

FruitCider · 13/09/2017 21:41

You were far too kind OP. My answer would have been "feck off you obnoxious bitch, look after your own kids!"

LegoNinjago · 13/09/2017 21:42

Starpantsbetty Oh and for the record I had no clue sausages might contain dairy! I've definitely learned something tonight!

My DD is anaphylactic to dairy. 99.9% of sausages in this country do not contain dairyWink. Fact.

PollyFlint · 13/09/2017 21:50

If a joyless plate of steamed vegetables what this cheeky mare gives her hungry toddler every night, he was probably absolutely DELIGHTED to be offered a couple of nice tasty bangers.

'He loves steamed vegetables,' my arse. He's not Victoria Beckham, FFS. I bet whenever he goes to someone else's house he eats a mountain of cheesy chips followed by an entire Wall's Viennetta, dairy intolerance or not.

paddlenorapaddle · 13/09/2017 21:55

I bet she's pulled this stunt on the other mothers at school. If I were you I wouldn't shut up at school tomorrow

Original poster
Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 21:56

This was a horrible situation at tea time but some of these replies have had me proper laughing! And yes I agree PollyFlint - he proper wolfed them down!

And I think LegoNinjago's reply has just proved the fruitcake status of the mum! Thanks for that - so I hope for his sake they didn't have dairy in - they were frozen in smaller portions from a bigger family pack so I didn't have the wrapper to even check the ingredients either (another issue for fruitcake mum!) - only the date I froze them!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 21:57

And for the record it's a good job I was prepared with a freezer full of (albeit potentially deathly!) sausages for the extra FOUR unexpected dinner guests I had tonight!

OP posts:
cardeyscat · 13/09/2017 21:58

OMG!!

BarbarianMum · 13/09/2017 22:03

Good job you didn't stick a knob of butter on those veggies.

CoveredInFondant · 13/09/2017 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockinHippy · 13/09/2017 22:40

Mmm, am I the only one suspicious that she's massively over dramatising this & he's not on his way to hospital at all 🤔

I'm also wondering if it's the meat she has a problem with given that she asked for steamed veggies for her other DC, do not allergic, but vegetarian & she's upset they've been given meat.

Doesn't matter though, it was her responsibility to let you know, it's also her responsibility to look after her own kids, not just dump all four of them off on someone she is only just getting to know.

I'm sorry OP, but I would suggest running a mike, she sounds like a user

horriblehistorieswench · 13/09/2017 22:40

She should have told you explicitly what he could NOT have, just give him veg - seriously? If that's what she does it won't just be allergies she has to worry about health wise. I would expect a 3yr old to be able to ask "can I eat these?" Or "is there milk, I'm not allowed that" or something or if not him then his older siblings. I bet when you get to know other mums in the area you'll find she's got quite a cf history

CompletelyUnknown · 13/09/2017 22:46

I'm glad this has all worked but just to clarify something on the allergy to sausage thing. A lot of sausages have preservatives in them. A growing allergy is to nitrates which is in a lot of common preservatives. My DM has a severe allergy to this. It means she cant have sausages, diluting juice and a LOT of really lovely random foods. She has to carry an epipen and every label needs to be read. Even when we go out for dinner the chef needs to come out and speak to us.

This doesn't take away from the outrageous behaviour of that woman!

LaContessaDiPlump · 13/09/2017 22:46

I think the Heck brand of sausages have dairy in them.... ironically I only know this because I'm vegan (family aren't) and got in the habit of checking labels! Salt and vinegar crisps sometimes do as well, weirdly.

She is rude, unreasonable and frankly a bit potty op - glad you were assertive and politely told her to FO!

KeepServingTheDrinks · 13/09/2017 23:14

Think you've dodged a bullet with this one....

Good luck making better friends in the playground!

bunningsbunny · 13/09/2017 23:17

Just very impressed you were able to rustle up an extra 4 meals; not sure that I could do that at such short notice.

Wonder what the mum would have said if you'd said sorry, I need to go out to the supermarket tonight as we're all out of grub; tonight's my shopping night and we were going to go after you'd gone. So nope, can't have the dc to play or eat as we need to get food and I can't fit all the kids in the car... wonder if she had a plan b if you had refused to have them.

I would also be tempted to mention it to the safe guarding team at school. Probably not enough to report but to add to a file abou crap parenting, leaving with a complete stranger and not mentioning allergies is pretty bad.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 13/09/2017 23:22

Hang on, she's not Workzilla is she?

Hairyfairy01 · 13/09/2017 23:42

She used you for free child care and a mild intolerance is not the same as an allergy. You've done nothing wrong.

My ds started a new school mid term and one mum made a beeline for me. She invited me to a local park with my dc and hers. Within 5 mins she had to 'pop home to put the chicken in the oven' and left me with her 2 dc. She's was gone for 1 1/2 hours, I had no idea where she lived or a phone number for her. Dc were about 3 and 5 , the eldest with severe special needs who basically needed 1:1 attention from me. I never took her offer up again of 'popping to the park after school' again. I later found out she has form for this still does years later

Other parents at school have probably experienced similar from her and will have every sympathy for you.

Allthewaves · 13/09/2017 23:43

I have two with mild dairy issues and i don't think iv ever found dairy on sausages ingredients as I always check

SandyY2K · 13/09/2017 23:54

She's a cheeky piss taker. That would be the last time I helped her out. She's stupid.

emmyrose2000 · 14/09/2017 04:08

The other mum is 100% in the wrong, and negligent, for a myriad of reasons. You don't just dump your kids on a stranger and hope for the best, especially if your child has some sort of medical issue.

You were set up, OP. The "work issue" (more likely just wanting some personal time) wasn't something that came up at that moment. She had this planned all along.

She's obviously got a history of doing this, and saw you as a fresh victim as you're new in town. I bet if you asked around, you'd find out you were not alone in having this happen to you. I'd blank her from now on if she ever had the hide to come near me again. Your text back to her was too nice.

justilou1 · 14/09/2017 06:38

She sounds like a total pain in the butt. I say this as someone who has food allergies and has a son with different food allergies. I would NEVER have left him with anyone without having a LOOOONG discussion about it.

Before we get to that point, I would never have left him with a stranger, and I would never "drop by" and expect a virtual stranger to take my kids at short notice so I could "work".

She's a chancer and a nut job.