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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that I should have had warning of child allergies??

145 replies

Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 18:46

Hi there I'm an it of a lurker on these boards but wanted to get some opinion on this. I will try to be clear in my post...

Mum I know vaguely from school playground (her dc's in different yeargroups to mine) asked to come round for coffee this afternoon after school with her DC's as we are (sort of) neighbours.

I'm quite new to the area and thought this would be lovely to get to know some local mums so agreed. She arrived with her four DC's in tow (two preschool age!) and within five minutes of being at our house got a phone message. She then proceeded to ask if she could leave her four kids with me (I've never met two of them before tonight!) whilst she attended to a "quick work issue".

I agreed and she asked if it would be too much trouble to feed the eldest two with mine so she could them get them straight to after school clubs. I'm the sort who doesn't like confrontation so said yes and offered to feed the smaller ones (thought it would be unfair to not include them). She agreed and as she departed she said, "oh just pile DC4's (he's three) plate with steamed veggies - he loves those!"

Dutifully I made tea and did as she asked but gave friends DC4 the sausages the others were having but made sure he had plenty of veggies too.

Well it turns out he has food allergies and as a consequence of me, "Not following her explicit instructions". (!!!) he's now potentially on the way to A&E because I could have set off an allergic reaction! I've apparently upset the whole of her planned evening and caused her DH to have to come home early and ruined his important business meeting because I went ahead and disregarded her instructions. (Note that She has ranted at me by text about how I've upset her evening and put both her and DH OUT rather than the fact I could have killed her DC!)

I am horrified and feeling amazingly upset and guilty about this. Had I any inkling he was allergic to anything I'd not have given him it. I feel so responsible but not for upsetting her evening but because now the poor boy is looking like he's possibly off to hospital tonight. I still don't know what he's actually allergic to (she hasn't replied to my text yet!) that could cause this and he didn't have a reaction whilst he was at mine but she rushed them all off after I mentioned he'd eaten some sausages. AIBU to think she should have been a lot clearer that he had allergies or would anyone else have taken what she said the same way? I'm really devastated ...

OP posts:

Rumplestaleskin · 13/09/2017 19:35

Agreed she is a CF. Im with Flying Giraffe and Barbarian too. The OP quite rightly pointed out that the older children didn't say anything re the allergy and I'm pretty sure a 10 year old would know the score and mention it. Her ranting does make her seem somewhat unhinged to be honest.

Nicktynoo · 13/09/2017 19:36

Hey!!
This is totally her fault (if he has allergies at all).
I have a son with an allergy list the length of my arm. I rarely leave him with people due to this and when I do I always supply a list and almost always supply my own food so not to put people out. If he has got allergies she was being neglectful not you. She comes across as self entitled. Best to stay the other end of the playground.
I hope you manage to find some lovely mummy friends soon! Xx

scarletpopapil · 13/09/2017 19:37

She's a cheeky fucker and an amazinly stupid one too, if her child does in fact have a food allergy. She wasn't remotely clear about what she expected you to feed him. I would never have understood that to mean 'feed him only veg and nothing else'.

And what parent of a child with a food allergy would dump them on a near-stranger for tea and swan off without a care in the world? I've heard enough horror stories to know that's a terrible idea and both my kids are fine to eat anything - if you've experienced the difficulty of keeping an allergic child safe, surely you'd know to take more care than she did.

At least she's shown her true colours all at once and you know to steer well clear of her in future!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 13/09/2017 19:37

Friends' son has a severe allergy, severe enough for them to take epipens wherever he goes. If they found themselves in the position of the cheeky bitch they'd only blame themselves for not giving you the information. There is no way they'd put any blame at your door.

Please feel the anger rather than guilt. You did nothing wrong.

1981trouble · 13/09/2017 19:41

My 9yo is a gatekeeper for both younger siblings who have food allergies. They are all good at telling people what they can /can't have.

My eldest has a milk allergy and I have been guilty of forgetting to tell people and he has had it (notice he will gate keep his siblings but offer him some contraband and it's a different story😂) - I never even told the parent as it was my fault.

Younger two are more serious (but not enough to go to hospital) and their issues are told to anyone who has them.

So she is a cf, I don't think her kid is allergic as her reaction doesn't add up at all. I suspect you've met the resident nutjob and soon you'll find a few others who know her too!

(And someone further up mentioned what allergy sausages can cause - many have gluten in so are issues for coeliac and gluten intolerance and also can have milk in)

bimbobaggins · 13/09/2017 19:43

Yes of course you should have been given the allergy information so she is a cheeky fucker ditching her four kids on someone she barely knows.

But what stands out from your post is you are the sort who doesn't like confrontation. You can stand up for yourself robustly without it being a confrontation

I feel more and more on mn people letting other people take the piss and walk all over them, too frightened to speak up. Are people really like this in real life?

MissEliza · 13/09/2017 19:48

I suspect you've met the resident nut job Absolutely and she's made a beeline for you because everyone else has got fed up with her.

sentenceinterrupted · 13/09/2017 19:50

Maddening, if it was truly such a serious allergy then she should have left an epipen with you. If it was coeliac, then it can be bad but it's not termed an allergy by anyone I've ever met or come across. Sounds like maybe she stuffed up a bit and is trying to shift her blame onto you.

Oh, and my ds has multiple allergies. I'd never leave him anywhere without mentioning and leaving the epipen too

ethelfleda · 13/09/2017 19:51

WTAF??

DesignedForLife · 13/09/2017 19:52

Wow, she's got extreme brass neck.

I can't believe the kid actually has serious allergies, as a parent to a small child with severe allergies I barely let them eat out of my sight except with people I completely utterly trust, and only after full breakdown of what can and can't be eaten, signs and symptoms of anaphylaxis, and thorough EpiPen training. It's not something to be taken lightly.

Theresnonamesleft · 13/09/2017 19:53

So her child has had an allergic reaction and she's waiting for an ambulance? Bollocks. Your gonna whip them off straight away if no epipen and the ambulance cannot come immediately.

Sausage allergens depend on what they are made from - tomato, pepper, gluten, egg. But even if he didn't have the sausage she should have still said something because he might have wanted gravy or ketchup etc with the veg.

Primrose06 · 13/09/2017 19:54

Hugs to you. There was you being kind and helpful and she has the cheek to blame you.
If her dc was as bad as she implied then why did she not tell you, and why no epen ?
The blame lies with mum alone. She put work first and failed to mention his allergy. Strange that she didn't as most parents would.
She does not deserve your kindness or friendship.

DavidSebastianWaghorn · 13/09/2017 19:55

YANBU. I'm a parent of multi-allergy child and would never, ever leave my child with anyone without handing over a copy of allergy plan, epipens, copious safe snacks and instructions not to feed anything at all without checking with me first. The risks are just too high and also it's really easy to screw up through cross-contamination. Can't believe she didn't tell you what he was allergic to - how were you supposed to keep him safe?

JonSnowsWife · 13/09/2017 19:56

Definitely someone to avoid like the plague in future!

I wonder what he is actually allergic to?

Do you think she's having you on?

Also OP, in the nicest way, start growing a backbone, the last person to try and make me responsible for her kids with ten minutes notice got a flat no. She'd only ever spoken to me twice in five years!

iogo · 13/09/2017 19:56

She's a cheeky fucker. I'd want to send Maddening's text but I'd definitely send Turnip's!

My daughter has a severe shellfish allergy. I'm explicit with EVERYONE about what she can and can't eat. She always has her epipen on her.

Chestervase1 · 13/09/2017 19:58

I know quite a bit about allergies and apart from possible gluten in sausages have never heard of an allergy to sausages. She's basically saying he's allergic to meat. If her child's allergies are severe she should a. Not have left him with you and b. she should have provided you with an Epipen if you had agreed to mind her super allergic child. Tell her and her husband to do one the cheeky fuckers. You were not informed and you were doing her a massive favour minding her 4 dc.

DavidSebastianWaghorn · 13/09/2017 20:00

And yes, as others have said, the older kids would most likely be very aware of a sibling's allergies if they were known to be that severe; my other child is extremely vigilant and there's no way she would watch her sibling eat something dodgy without mentioning it at all.

BarbarianMum · 13/09/2017 20:02

Sausages are a common snare for people with an allergy to wheat, soya, legumes and even egg. So a "sausage" allergy is perfectly feasible.

Apileofballyhoo · 13/09/2017 20:03

She sounds completely and utterly bonkers. I wouldn't dream of leaving my kids with a virtual stranger - I think she had this planned - and if one of them had an allergy I'd be even less inclined to do so. DS either has coeliac disease or a severe gluten intolerance and the lengths I go to and have gone to when he goes on playdates is embarrassing for me - I hate making a fuss - but I have to make sure he doesn't get sick. She really sounds insane. Hope you've dodged a bullet by not becoming more friendly with her due to this.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 13/09/2017 20:04

That woman is totally fucking mad.

You have found out early which is good news, 'cause you know to avoid her like she's Piers Morgan from now on.

What kind of arsehole leaves her children with an almost stranger and neglects to mention a food allergy after asking that the near-stranger feeds them?! What a prick. Other parents should be warned (only they probably already know)

Seriously, the woman's not well. Her ds, I betcha, is in rude health and has never had an allergic or intollerant reaction to a sausage in his life. He was probably thrilled he wasn't getting another miserable plate of steamed fucking joyless kale.

DavidSebastianWaghorn · 13/09/2017 20:04

Chestervase there are quite a few potential allergens in sausages - some brands contain egg, milk or sulphites in their ingredients, all of which can trigger allergic reactions serious enough to require an epipen.

BarbarianMum · 13/09/2017 20:05

Oh and celery (hotdogs) and milk too. Dangerous thing, a sausage.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 13/09/2017 20:09

It wouldn't suprise me if she's manipulating you to make you feel guilty so you would try to 'make it up to her'. She probably recognised you as a bit of a soft touch as soon as she saw you, hence leaving her four children with you.

Original poster

Starpantsbetty · 13/09/2017 20:14

She has messaged me back!

Apparently her DC4 has a mild dairy intolerance and some sausages have dairy in them and that she possibly overreacted a bit when she left!!! (No cr*p!) She said he appears to be OK for now but he may still have a reaction.

I have replied:
"I do hope he is ok but after the events of this evening I am sorry but I will be unable to look after your children in future. I hope you can understand how distressing this has been all around and for the safety of (DC4) I am not prepared to be placed in that position again."

Still no thank you or anything though!! I'm leaving it at that. And please rest assured I will be keeping my distance from her from now on.

OP posts:

clippityclock · 13/09/2017 20:15

She is taking the piss a) for dropping her children off with you for free childcare and meals under the guise of having a coffee with you b) for not saying thanks.

She is going to try and make you look after her children loads now because of this. Say no every time because she's spotted you are new to the area and don't know her ways yet!! CF!!

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