For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

[Iamthinking]

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

@Iamthinking I am really not judging you or your OH at all. My ex is a big drinker, I like to have a couple of drinks (when not pregnant ) but sorry did I read you last post correctly?...

"He had drunk a bottle of wine by 9.30pm then had another two glasses"

That is a bottle and a half of wine."

Sorry but something is amiss here if you are not extrapolating the finances from the fact he has an escalating and quite significant issue with alcohol consumption. If he carries on like this he will become very ill.

If you have a family together you owe it to you and the rest of that unit to change your behaviour so that he understands the impact his is having.

You clearly love him and want to try and stand back to see if his mindset and approach gradually changes. I understand that, and clearly the critical thing is he has to want to change, but for how long is that really tenable?

I like a drink but this would worry me greatly.

I was the one who used the phrase 'emotionally unavailable'. What I meant is that an otherwise unabusive parent who drinks heavily may not be truly present emotionally for the child. Their emotions are numbed, not truly genuine. It can come across as not caring to the child.

It sounds like he is not drinking until after bedtime so it won't be a problem now. But to be aware that 'not abusive' isn't the benchmark for parenting.

It's not bullying to state that the family will be harmed by his drinking. It's fact

If you read the OP's posts, she is well aware of the problems posed by her partner's drinking. She doesn't need you to tell her that. People seem unable to understand that it isn't HER drinking and that she can not do anything in reality to stop him drinking - has anyone here actually had a loved one who was an alcoholic? Did you have a magic formula for stopping them? I doubt it.

Yes partners can become an enabler - I don't see any evidence of this in the OP. She isn't cleaning up after him, covering for him at work or with the children, driving him to work, pretending he is sick to his family etc etc. She is very concerned about his problem drinking just isn't ready to break up her relationship right this minute - and yet still she has to be told by several people that it is all her fault for not ... doing just what precisely?

All she has done is moan about the money. She refuses to even talk to him like an adult. Just like with the smoking.
Nothing I have read has suggested she realises that drink problems fuck up families.
She needs to protect her kids. An adult drinking this much is doing more damage than wasting a few quid.

She needs to protect her kids.

From what? Nothing the OP has posted suggests that they are at risk from harm. In my opinion he is harming his health, but does not seem to be an immediate danger to the children.

So growing up with a father who binge drinks every night and a mother who is scared to mention it is healthy? There's more ways to harm a child than to hit them.

Where's 'scared' coming from? I've read all OPs posts and don't see that.

@Pallisers I certainly haven't blamed the OP. I feel desperately sorry for her, especially having been there myself. Both with the finances and the drinking so I am especially - sadly - well qualified to comment.

You can dress it up anyway you like, with all this talk of enabling and people's concern being unwarranted and unasked for, but the sad truth is that the OP has to face up to the stark reality that she it is in fact the one who has the difficult and unenviable choice to make. The choice to make about what the issue is she is most upset about: the escalating drinking or the financial inequality. And what flows from there. He is not her child, they have one of those and that is the most important element imo. The possible consequences of what they are both increasingly exposing this young life to would be driving my decision, as it indeed has in my own awful mess of a life right now.

For me - as for several others - the money issue is a bit of a red herring. If the OP was living in a shack and on benefits with a work shy partner getting pissed up on cheap vodka every night and gaming away, the wasting of money might be more black and white. It's all a bit tarted up in bourgeois high earning guff.

Strip all that away she is I afraid basically living with an alcoholic and needs support to encourage and facilitate a much needed intervention or she has to walk away. For her child if "nothing" else.

Look at P14. He used to smoke heavily. Instead of explaining her concerns and trying to support him in making a change the OP felt she had to sit quietly by until he decided to change them pretend not to notice he wasn't going outside to smoke.
This is not a healthy dynamic.

Al-anon is a really good organisation for those affected by someone else's drinking. This doesn't have to be about leaving, it's about admitting there's a problem and taking steps towards change. The OP's dp sounds like a good guy, he may well step up and actually do something about his drinking but that's not going to happen unless the OP actually addresses it. There are various organisations that can help, many internet resources.

I haven't mentioned my attitude to the wine because that is a whole other thread. And not one I would choose to have on AIBU either!
I have had a couple of non-confrontational conversations about it. Taking the angle of me being very worried about him. During those he agrees that it is too much and it would be better for his general health and waistline, and he says yes he must get round to cutting down. I suggest ways he could do it to ease into it. Then nothing happens, obviously. He knows how I feel and his habitual drinking is much bigger than I am.

Just for those who seemed to miss the OP's reference to her attitude to his drinking. Now, obviously this won't satisfy the many posters who have a particular script they seem to want from the OP but she does see the problem, she has spoken to him and she specifically says she would not raise this particular issue in AIBU - tough shit to her though on that one.

@lollipop, I wasn't referring to your posts at all.

Pallisers

You have offered NO practical advice to the OP, other than the 'there there, what can be done' variety. My posts and others have actually offered our own personal experience and resources where professional help can be sought.

Walkingdead For the love of God SHUT UP, she has NOT asked your opinion on this matter. STOP going on. You have totally derailed the thread.

It's like you're sitting in a corner talking to yourself and irritating everyone else.

danTDM

I think it's really sad and pathetic that my posts upset you so much. I suspect my posts have brought up some issues with for you, get some help for that........oh and piss off!!

Good God, she has NOT asked you to comment, she has asked you NOT to comment. You keep commenting. You keep telling me I'm in liver failure and an alcoholic. You keep telling anyone that disagrees with you 'it touches a nerve'

I suggest it touches a nerve with you too much.

You swear at me again and I'll report you. You are now trolling the OP with unwanted advice, assumptions about other posters, assumptions about their parenting, projection, having been asked not to. You have been asked to kindly stop. So please do.

Wow some of the comments on this thread are batshit! Quite a few people i know drink a bottle of wine a night, sometimes more. It's not good and they're putting their health at risk. It doesn't mean they're abusive and a danger to their children.

Drinking a bottle of wine a night (in this case more) every night is problem drinking.
It WILL affect the family and relationships. It isn't normal, healthy or acceptable.
It's not batshit to not want your kids living with an addict. No. Not even if it's their own parent.

NOBODY asked for comments on this.
I'm leaving the thread and I sense the OP has too.
You carry on with your discussion on acceptable levels, bad parenting, alcoholism and enabling. Amuse yourselves.

danTDM

So you'll be having a go at all the other posters who have said exactly the same as me then? Oh, thought not. You'll report me for swearing...are you 12??? Lol. You can say and think how you please, and so can the rest of us on a PUBLIC forum. The OP is ignoring good advice, you and your ilk are enabling that (I'm seeing a pattern here) 😀

Skimmed through, I would say YANBU for alcohol to not be included grocery shopping. To me, groceries is food and supplies for the household & wine - particularly that one person is drinking - doesn't fit. It's his hobby and should therefore be funded with hobby/fun money. Whether that will help with the issue I don't know but I've found resetting up our finances and having set money for such has helped me and my house as a whole even if the first few months were rocky getting it all in place and working smoothly.

My spouse and I each have an equal amount of "fun money" to use on our hobbies and such each month. I've found it a good way to have a controlled but mostly guilt free way of doing things. We don't have separate accounts for this, we have a fixed account for all the direct debits and standing orders which is what we pay mostly into and a flexible account for more irregular buying which is where our me money comes from (plus the savings and a cashback card for groceries and certain shopping), but I can certainly see the appeal of setting it up that way.

Didn't Dan already leave the thread or am I imagining things?

Lol at him leaving twice. Impressive.

You swear at me again and I'll report you.

Oh my giddy aunt. Are we back at brownies? 😂😂😂😂😂

Good decent women don't swear!!! Oh and they never question their man's drinking or the household budget!! God forbid.......

You swear at me again and your name vill go on ze list.

@VioletCharlotte don't be so blasé. Yes a parent who drinks a bottle of wine every single night
potentially is a real danger to their children if they can't take care of the children, be on the ball or react quickly. Or hear them during the night. Or take them to hospital /OOH if they were sick.

They are also endangering a child by damaging their own health to such an extent that they will suffer illness or an early preventable death.

An individual who is a parent and drinks a bottle of wine a night is in my view committing a gross and longitudinal abdication of parental responsibility. Especially when their children are young.