For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

[Iamthinking]

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

Not saying it's right by the way but when someone can afford it, it doesn't really work

IfNot

Very good points!! OP, why don't you ask dp to knock it on the head for a week......you'll soon get your answer.

He drinks way too much.

On the subject of being a SAHM I was and am but I am now single. I left a man who gave me £80 a week for all food, drink, pet food, his booze (a lot) and his work lunches with soon to be three children.

When I asked him for anything else he said no or gave me his card then demanded to see the receipt. I was only given spending money for myself if had sex with him, gave him a BJ, let him have a night out on the piss.

He didn't get much sex needless to say.
I have left him.

We have £1000 "spare" divide between us but it depends what you pay for out of that. Any presents for each other, our mobile phones, all clothes, nights out, coffees or lunches at work, make up or football - all come from that. We have a lot less money than many posters on mumsnet!

@Crocodilesoup Our "spare" covers all that too but is only £300!

Sorry, posted too soon! Meant to add that the idea of spending £500 on wine - more than my grocery budget! - leaves me baffled. Even if I could afford it, I just wouldn't be able to justify it.

I think if you were earning an income you would be within your rights to say your income won't be funding his drinking.

As he is the one earning I don't think you can do this. Perhaps you could point out to him what his wine costs monthly in relation to other costs.

Do you think are using the budget as an excuse to tackle his drinking with him because you are otherwise unsure if his to broach the subject?

Supposing his solution is to start buying cheaper wine, OP? There are plenty of people who are 'interested in' wine (whether or not they have a problem with alcohol) who also take an interest in which cheaper wines are nice/value for money. It's not uncommon for the Sunday colour supplements to feature things like 'Lidl Beaujolais just as good as the Waitrose one for half the price'.

This might confirm your suspicions (and those of the paranoid prohibitionists on here) that he really is an alcoholic, of course, but is it a solution you would be happy with?

There is also the possibility that he will agree to stop drinking or cut down and, by way of a distraction from wanting to drink, decide to take up some hobby that also costs quite a bit.

Lollipop jeez he sounds horrendous. I am very glad to hear he is an ex. Well done for getting out and away, I am sure it was not easy.

schoolgaterebel yes, I am using it as an 'in' to raise the issue of how much it is costing. But it is also that I am trying to make it easier for me to manage the money, give us both more visibility of all the incomings and outgoings, give us a clearer overall picture to plan holidays and the future. And I am trying to make it fairer than it is currently.

We had a small conversation last night, not so much about the finer details of what is shared and what is not, but about which joint account to get. One that offers a £125 cash incentive or one that has voice recognition so you don't have to remember a password.

He drank the remaining 1/2 bottle white, 1/6 bottle of red that was in the fridge, and there is a now half of red left in the fridge so that makes it 1 bottle and 1/6. That was between 8.15 and 10.30. So it is over a bottle but not much.

I think women create a rod for their own backs by tolerating this kind of crap.

The wages that a working parent brings in ALSO belong to the SAHP for the childcare they are providing during the working day.
In my opinion, it doesn't matter one bit whether you're married or not - you jointly decided on having dc and one of you being the SAHP.

OP, why do feel that this money is his?
Why do you feel so guilty that you will go without things and do your best to 'demand very little'?
Why do you think it's ok to be in a position where you have to ask him for money?
Why are you scared/hesitant to confront him head on about his alcoholism?

SAHP need to approach their role in a business manner to avoid getting manipulated into a subservient/dependent position.

My suggestion - SAHP should offer their working partner a choice, they can either share leftover money 50/50, or they can pay the going rate for childcare direct into the SAHP bank account.

His drinking is a hobby OP.....it is not something that feeds the family or for anyone elses benefit.
Therefore it should come out of his personal spends and NOT the family spends.

Make sure you are transferring equal amounts of money to your own account for your own hobbies.
50% of the wage he brings home is YOURS for the childcare you provide - no 'but' about it.

Longterm, do you want to be with someone who refuses to acknowledge their addiction?
His health affects you too - and your relationship.
You're enabling his drinking by doing things like doing all the 'ferrying around' and childcare because he's too alcohol-filled to be trusted.
All that does is avoid him facing reality.

I asked before - does he do his fair share of housework and childcare when he comes home?

HeebieJeebies the money IS his. Or, it could be the other way round if the stay at home parent was an unmarried man. If you are not married this is a fact. Repeatedly saying the money is also hers is stupid and unhelpful.

Also, why keep saying he should pay her childcare for her children too? Why is he responsible for paying 100% childcare?

What you are saying is sadly unrealistic.

Worse case scenario? Bye OP I've had enough and will pay you maintenance and half childcare, support yourself, I'll have DC's 50% of the time. Reality of situation. They aren't married and she has no recourse.

Please don't be annoyed at me for pointing out facts.

Also - is he paying pension credits into your pension whilst you're a sahp?

Actually if he had Dc's 50% of time there would be NO maintenance.

FACT - they JOINTLY decided to bring a child into this world and have one parent stay at home.

MORALLY - the wage belongs to both of them.

It's because people allow bullshit facts like 'but they're not married' that they end up being taken advantage of.

THAT is stupid thinking and being.

What you're saying dan is that OP should allow herself to be treated like an unpaid servant

Oh I give up.

She doesn't have a leg to stand on. Believe what you will and get irritated, that is the law.

Yes, yes he drinks too much (perhaps) so leave him.

No? Thought not.

£5000 is a lot of money per year on his drink habit, considering there is only one income. I am sure that op or her kids have to do without to help fund his habit, unless he is very rich.

Unpaid servant? again, how is that? She is being given money fairly half and half, says her DP is lovely. How is she an unpaid fucking servant?

Dan just save yourself and us time and cut straight to 'WOMEN, KNOW YOUR PLACE'.

where did i say he was 100% responsible for paying for childcare?

I specifically said 50% of his wage belongs to her for the job she does.

Pointing out the obvious is NOT 'unhelpful'.

Expecting the OP to 'put up and shut up' because 'the law says so' is unhelpful.

I'm leaving the thread.

The OP is worried about his drinking and should address this. But it is NOT her money. She has no rights over it. You lot seem to be annoyed with ME for pointing this out.

She remains in a very vulnerable position and I and other posters are pointing this out.

'Women know your place'? Jesus wept. I said NOTHING of the sort.

Goodbye.

Yup, in real life relationships it's not possible to have discussions about budgeting jointly with a single income without being married.

Yes you're more vulnerable. Yes, it might be wise to discuss protections. Does it mean that most partnerships can't have that conversation without being married? No!

She isn't being 'given money fairly half and half' though.....which is the reason she posted!

He 'gives' her a fraction of what he spends on HIMSELF.
That isn't 'fair'.