For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

[Iamthinking]

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

danTDM I think what you are right in that if one person earns and the other doesn't then they could engineer a situation where they have all the cash and the other person cannot get a hold of it. The non-earner is powerless to force a fair sharing of that money. But that is financial abuse.
What people are saying is that it should be 'our' money, although you are right that it is not legally 'our' money.

Heebiejeebies You're enabling his drinking by doing things like doing all the 'ferrying around' and childcare because he's too alcohol-filled to be trusted.
All that does is avoid him facing reality.

I asked before - does he do his fair share of housework and childcare when he comes home?

Well, I do the ferrying because if he is home he has often just walked in and I figure it is kinder to let him come in and finish for the day. In the past he has done it but for instance last night he came in at 8.15 or thereabouts, I think it would take someone with a heart of stone to hand him the car keys at that moment and tell him turn around again and go to pick someone up.
Same for childcare, they are usually all in bed when he gets in and I have cleared up so it is not really relevant. He cooks his own dinner and clears up the kitchen himself. Breakfast is supervised by him and he clears up the kitchen afterwards. He cooks the dinners at the weekend.

OP, why do feel that this money is his?
Why do you feel so guilty that you will go without things and do your best to 'demand very little'?
Why do you think it's ok to be in a position where you have to ask him for money?

I honestly don't truly know. I think a lot of it is because I have internalised the messages that resound across this thread/the Daily Mail/society in general regarding being a SAHM. I consciously think of things in one way, I agree with what you are saying but my underlying gut feeling about myself is different.
I like budgeting and saving money too. I am tight and I like a bargain.

fair enough then re the driving/chores

OP - how old are your children?

What a shame not to see his children 5 nights out of 7. Is there any chance he stops somewhere for a drink before coming home?

Well I feel it's his money, then he needs to start paying OP a wage for being full time housekeeper and also for providing childcare for HIS child. £35k pa minimum as a starter.

I believe that figure is straight from the "pulled out of my arse school of economics"

bluntness

Well you can "feel" he should formally employ her to take care of her own children and looked after their shared home all you want, isn't going to make it happen any time soon. She's also clearly stated she would not wish such a thing. You however are free to demand your partner pays you to be the housekeeper. Let us know you go with that.

bluntness they're not just her kids are they? They're his too. What is so fucking difficult to understand that she is a SAHM and therefore his wages are JOINT money. This is not fucking rocket science.

If he doesn't see it that way, then he's a twat.

My partner earns more but we have joint account.

What kind of parent is he when he is shitfaced 7 nights a week?

The point several PP have made about OP's 'right' to half her DP's wages is the importance of distinguishing between what is ethical, fair and appropriate between family members and what is actually the law.
Actually, even being married would not mean a SAHP is legally entitled to 'half' the WOHP's wages in the case of a separation. Half the value of the marital home, if it's an asset, maybe, and maintenance for any DC, but spousal maintenance isn't a thing any more.
Unmarried partners only get a share of a mortgaged home if they are on the mortgage.

A bottle and a bit on a school night. Willing to bet it's more on the weekends.

OP actually said 1-2 bottles per night. She doesn't really know because his pattern of drinking obscures the actual quantity. This is rarely a good sign.

It was 1 bottle and 1/6 last night. But given that at the weekend he is at home so starts earlier it would certainly be more I guess.

When are you planning on having 'the talk'?

So he is never expected to drive the DC anywhere, or pick them up, because he'll always have had a drink? That basically stops OP from choosing to drink herself, and also means she is always 'on duty', whereas he gets time off. But hey, his money, his choice right?

See also 'it doesn't impact on OP or the kids'

And of course he cooks dinner at the weekend. Perfect way to be constantly topping up your wine glass without it being done by anyone else. Does he take them out at weekends, without you?

How do you get shopping? Does he pop in to shops here, there and everywhere picking up a couple of bottles so you have no real idea how many? Do you recycle glass? Does he hide bottles anywhere else? Do you actually want to have a clear picture of how much he is drinking? Sorry for so many questions. I lived a life just like yours in the past.

Don't kid yourself, he's more like 2 bottles. He's learned to hide it from you and you've learned not to look. I'm not saying this as one of those self-righteous pearl-clutchers who thinks no one should ever drink a drop whilst they have kids under 25, and I think the 14 units is some arbitrary BS made up by the government to nanny us and treat us all like idiots. I like a drink myself, and I admit I'm a binger, if I'm going to drink, I'm going to drink the whole bottle over the course of the night, but I don't kid myself that it's anything other than it is, however uncommon an occurrence it is. C'mon, you know he ain't on that 9% stuff, either.

he needs to start paying OP a wage for being full time housekeeper and also for providing childcare for HIS child. £35k pa minimum as a starter.

What's that salary benchmarked against? Is it career graded based on experience?

Do you do all the driving at the weekends as well? Swimming lessons, parties etc? Does he walk to work during the week then?

do live-in nannies get £35k plus free room & board?

She can't be a full time housekeeper and a nanny. Pick a job

What about in the future as the kids grow up? What if you wanted a night out yourself and have a drink? Would be take you and then pick you up? No because he won't want to go without wine for a night. If you are out, and something happened to one of the kids, could you trust him to make the right decision (and I'm not one of those 'people shouldn't drink at home' posters) As you and the kids go on through life he will become less and less emotionally available. Less caring about stuff around the house and you and your emotional needs. This is a big alcohol cosh to hit yourself over the head with every night. It's numbing and distances you whether it is good wine or bloody cider. Disregarding what it is doing to his health - he is taking himself away from you and the family every night. I wonder whether he will be able to maintain a lovelife soon? I bet that's fun every night after a skinful?

I don't want to upset you - but as mentioned upthread, your kids will become more and more aware of this and you won;t come out well if you are seen to be turning a blind eye to it. They won't want to bring their mates/girlfriends/boyfriends home. As he gets older, it will hit him harder and you will see the effect as time goes on. Does he repeat himself or get in a 'funny' mood if the alcohol makes him edgy?

How do I know all this? Because I am just about to leave the same man - enough said.

Honestly I don't think the OP is going to do anything about his drinking. He's done a good number on her to make it normal (it's not) and he doesn't beat her. He is abusing her however and his kids who will grow up in the sad statistic of another alcoholic parent. It's beyond sad.

Oh just FUCK OFF

Iamthinking

Oh dear, touched a nerve I see. Be an adult and tell him his drinking is UNACCEPTABLE or continue to enable an alcoholic, your choice. Oh and when you post on a public forum you might not always get the responses you like.