For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

[Iamthinking]

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

Jesus wept, you jacked in full-time work to become dependent on an unmarried partner who's an alcoholic. You have much bigger problems on your hands that splitting spending money. Forget setting up the joint account, get a JOB and start saving to get away from this relationship. At least a bottle of wine a night with no break? And you think the problem is money?

So sahm should shut the fuck up about household finances and just bother her pretty little head with cooking and cleaning. She should leave her man to drink his wine in peace.

Blimey

We run a joint budget (with the help of a personal finance app). The way we do it is we agree an amount we have for 'fun money' after bills, known expenses, groceries, savings etc. We get equal amounts and we don't get to comment on how the other spends from it. He smokes, I don't agree with it, that comes from his fun money. As does anybooze either of us buy (booze is not groceries I think) or my brutal take out coffee habit. We do have joint categories for clothes and health, and negotiate on those. But I don't think you're unreasonable to give yourselves spending money. You would be unreasonable to comment on how he spends it.

Drinking is his 'hobby'.......therefore it comes out of his personal spends.

Why are you worried if his spending/drinking habit leaves him short each month?
He's an adult, he should be managing his own budget.
Nobody needs to drink a bottle to themselves every night - he's trying to mask his alcohol dependency behind 'amateur wine connoisseur'.

What does he round the house/with dc if he's drinking heavily every night?

I can easily drink a bottle of wine in a night can't everyone? but these must be interspersed with many teetotating nights.

The money hardly matters here, he probably has compromised liver function.

Have you talked to him about his alcohol consumption? Do you two fight about it?

If you adopt that logic then why can't he say "why should I finance you being a SAHM?"

Because his bottles of wine aren't taking care of their children.

Also OP, what expat said. Unless you have some source of income of your own, there's no way I'd continue with this arrangement.

People have different crutches, this fella like a few drinks of an evening. Why are people always so insistent in a relationship breakdown? What happened to trying to work through things?

No wonder the divorce rates are through the roof and so many children are in one parent families.

I too can drink a bottle. Easily. Once a week or once a fortnight.
But every night sounds like too much.

But how do you classify a 'functioning alcoholic' ? What exactly is that, please?
Dependant? Needs it? Can't go without?

I think larger issues lie here.
The splitting of money sounds a right kerfuffle. Is he loving and kind? Pays you attention?

I noticed plenty of other posters so they spend lots of money on beauty products nails hair etc?
If someone told me what I was allowed to spend my £500 split on, I would be most peeved. If I choose to spend it on 35 packets of hulahoop's, quite frankly that's my choice.

So sahm should shut the fuck up about household finances and just bother her pretty little head with cooking and cleaning. She should leave her man to drink his wine in peace.

Even if she worked, but yes, I can see why as she doesn't her deciding how much he has to spend and deciding she's financing his boozing would cause major upset. For me, wine is groceries. My husband and I both work, I'm the bigger earner, he drinks more than me, I've never totalled it up and I'd never in a million years do so and decide he had to pay for it out his own money. Wouldn't even occur to me.

And she's right it will be an icky conversation.

'People have different crutches, this fella like a few drinks of an evening. Why are people always so insistent in a relationship breakdown? What happened to trying to work through things?

No wonder the divorce rates are through the roof and so many children are in one parent families.'

A few drinks? He's downing 'at least a bottle' (bet it's 2) every single night with no break. At the least that's around 70 units a week and probably more like in excess of a hundred. He's an alcoholic. And they're not married if he's a 'dp'. The OP and her children are in a very vulnerable position as they are all financially dependent on someone who abuses alcohol.

And agree this adds to it, they aren't even married and she's about to tell him she's financing his boozing and as such she should have a higher amount of his salary as her fun money.

Honestly. It's not going to go well. In no planet is this going to go well.

Alcoholism doesn't care about a budget......

She's not telling him what to spend his £500 on, apart from the health aspect, the OP is fine for her DHs wine to come out of the £500, not the household budget. Because it is his fun money, not a basic expense.

The problem being, as well as that he is probably an alcoholic, is that he won't have any other fun money, because its all going on wine. So he'll only probably realise how much it adds up to when he can't afford whatever other discretionary spend he may like, whether it be a football season ticket, golf club membership, expensive salon hair cut and colour or gadgets.

Exactly what expat said.
Your problem isn't who pays for the wine. It really isn't.

That's the crux, I see it as grocery money. It's unlikely he sees he's got a problem with booze and it's very unlikely he will,let her decide what is and is not a household expense in this manner.

Honestly. If it was me, I'd tell her to fuck off and find myself a child minder or nursery , I really would, assuming the child or children are not at school. I wouldn't care about the expense, it wOuld be the principle of her taking full control in that manner.

4stages-of-functioning-alcoholic

Just read that. None of it applies to me.

I drink a lot. A lot of water, every day, litres of the stuff; Diet Coke; 6 cups of tea at work.

When I go out with the girls, I can easily drink a bottle of wine. easily. in fact I often drink two or 3 pints of water as well at the same time. I would prefer a low alcohol wine actually. and I certainly don't drink to get drunk. so although I can drink like a fish, and can drink many many G&Ts or wine, all day and only get ever so slightly happy, a tiny bit giggly and tell all my girlfriends " I love you. "

But I don't think functioning alcoholic applies to me.

It's already been trotted out a few times on this thread.
Which I think is insulting to the serious condition of actual alcoholism.

In fact assuming she wants to keep the kids, then I'd chuck her out, and pay her child maintenance. I simply wouldn't tolerate someone deciding they had full say over the household finances.

Leaving aside the health considerations I think if OP insists that the wine comes from her DP's personal spends this is just opening the door for every single item to be questioned. Does the OP have a favourite food that she likes and DH doesn't? Does she want the heating on when he doesn't? Does she take baths (using more water) and he has showers? Does she sometimes drive somewhere, when she could have walked? For the cost it is, relative to the disposable income this couple seem to have, is it really worth the aggro?

Oblomov she is not telling him what he should spend his 500 on though, she is saying wine for him (like beauty products etc) isapersonal item so comes out of his personal budget not household. If it is all spent on wine that is his choice

If you adopt that logic then why can't he say "why should I finance you being a SAHM?

LOL! As if you EVER thought this comment would go down well on MN 😂😂😂

A bottle of wine s night is a health issue. So he could do with addressing that, yes.

Separately, how you handle this is NOT you deciding what money goes on what, but by both you AND he sitting down to look over the budget and figuring out what is allocated where. If you're "thinking" £500 each, it sounds as if you've plucked that out of the air a little. What do you spend on that he considers unnecessary?

Sit down with all the direct debits, savings goals (including holidays, and house stuff e.g. new mattress/new sofa, replacing cars etc) and day to day expenditure. Go through it all together with the figures laid out and see how the discussion develops.

Try not to judge his spending on posh wine. I know it's tempting, but if you leave aside the health aspect, it's not different to if he were spending that money on another hobby e.g. golf.

Does he get more of a lion's share of the family budget than you to spend on personal priorities? Do the DC have access to hobbies & activities that cost? If so, why? Ask him to discuss it, but don't tell him it has to come out of his arbitrary £500 without backing it up with an affordability argument and a decent nonjudgmental discussion.

I just don't understand the my money, your money thing. I don't seperate things that are for me and dp by cost, we just get them if we can afford it. It's not like he makes me buy tampons out of my money or anything. We have our own bank accounts but they are for saving more than anything.

A few drinks? He's downing 'at least a bottle' (bet it's 2) every single night with no break. At the least that's around 70 units a week and probably more like in excess of a hundred. He's an alcoholic. And they're not married if he's a 'dp'. The OP and her children are in a very vulnerable position as they are all financially dependent on someone who abuses alcohol.

I assume she knew before getting together that he likes a drink. He's obviously functioning fine. Some folk glean handle their drink and others can't.

There's a difference between use and abuse.

This sounds a lot like my family situation as a child (except my parents were married and a lot, lot, lot poorer than you are). My dad would drink half a large bottle or cider or cans of beer and then a whole bottle of Lidl red wine a night. Because he gets up and goes to work in the morning he's a "functioning alcoholic", but also he hasn't been promoted in about 20 years and was utterly vile to us of an evening once the wine was drunk, muttering at us in his dressing gown. Eventually got done for drink driving after totalling our car in a 3 car pile up one morning.

Anyway, my dad was the main earner and my mum earned a bit of pin money when we were younger, then worked part time as we got older. My mum still controlled the finances (she had to or we'd have had nothing), my dad had £100 a week for alcohol and cigarettes and we had to scrimp and save and miss out on school trips and holidays abroad and all the things my friends who didn't have alcoholic fathers were doing. My parents are divorced now and my dad is utterly skint at the end of the month and can't see a link between this and going down the pub every evening in the 2 weeks after he gets paid.

Anyway, I suppose my point is that yes, he should pay for it out of his own money. Children shouldn't miss out because a parent can't control their drinking. But there will be problems down the line. A bottle of wine a night is alcoholism. And alcoholism is no good for relationships, at all.

Which I think is insulting to the serious condition of actual alcoholism
'Functioning alcoholic' is actually just a stage of alcoholism from what I understand, it's the bit just before you lose your job, home, relationships etc, so 'functioning' is a misnomer imo. Sadly we have some experience of this via several members of our families, and there is nothing functional about it. A bottle of wine every night over a long period of time? Yep, alcohol dependence and therefore alcoholism seems likely, regardless of whether it cost £25 a bottle or £4.