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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

415 replies

Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 14:55

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

OP posts:
ShitOrBust · 13/09/2017 15:00

I wouldn't bother with any of that that financial readjusting.
I would end the relationship, that will be easier in the long run.

he'll never stop drinking until HE decides to. and that might never happen.

i had one like him. i don't any more. i ditched his ass and i'm much better off for it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/09/2017 15:01

You are trying to manage the alcoholic's drinking....

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/09/2017 15:01

It is a reasonable request though.

Squirmy65ghyg · 13/09/2017 15:02

I think that's a distraction from your real problem - he's a functioning alcoholic and your kids are subjected to that.

Believeitornot · 13/09/2017 15:03

"Why should I finance his boozing"....

If you adopt that logic then why can't he say "why should I finance you being a SAHM?"

Why are you splitting finances this way? Do you have dcs with him?

Hapaxlegomenon · 13/09/2017 15:04

I can't understand splitting money like this, it sounds so complicated. You sound like you share children, can't you share the money?

viques · 13/09/2017 15:05

A bottle of wine a night? Hope he doesn't drive, at all.

slbhill42 · 13/09/2017 15:05

yanbu.
Maybe having a set amount of money will make him realise what it's costing.
Not very likely, it does sound like he's pushing the alcoholic side of the line - but worth a shot if you're happy otherwise.

JohnVenn · 13/09/2017 15:08

So in theory, you would have about £250 each for spends per month if his wine came out of your household budget?

That's in itself is not unreasonable, i'd be more concerned about him drinking so much.

Although I'd bet that if you put your foot down about his wine coming from his spending money that he'd simply find a cheaper way of getting as much alcohol rather than cut down.

Good luck op , it's sounds very difficult.

Hapaxlegomenon · 13/09/2017 15:08

I spend a fair amount more on toiletries and makeup than my husband. Over the course of a lifetime that really adds up. He doesn't penalise me for it to make sure everything keeps to 50/50. That sounds so tiring

GrumpyOldBag · 13/09/2017 15:09

Totally understand where you are coming from OP.

I think the issue may be that you are a SAHM though and not earning in your own right. Is your DH already on board with the idea of a £500 allowance?

MaxPepsi · 13/09/2017 15:11

I don't actually think £105 a week spent on wine is that much considering what your income must be to have £500 spending money each after everything is paid.

However a bottle a night is not good.

2 separate issues here for me.

coastalchick · 13/09/2017 15:18

I drink pretty much the majority of any wine we buy from joint spends but OH eats twice as much as me (if we get a bag of 5 bags of crisps, I might get 1 or at a push 2, or if I cook a meal that serves 4, he will eat 2 portions, I'll eat 1 and we will freeze 1) so figure it all evens out.

How long have you been a SAHM for and how long do you think that will be the case? Do you buy more clothes/toiletries than him? Do you think it evens out in other ways?

Like the other posters, I'd be more concerned at the fact he gets through a bottle a night. That is a problem which needs tackling first, rather than the finances issue. Why does he drink so much? Does he find his job stressful? Can he change jobs?

HoHoHoHo · 13/09/2017 15:22

I can see why you are doing it i think it depends on whether or not you spend joint money on non-essential items. If you do you are being a bit hypocritical.

RB68 · 13/09/2017 15:26

For me I would make a point of allocating him more for the wine so 650 and making a point of if it was only 500 then he wouldn't have any spends left etc. I have one that smokes - no other spending really other than that but its significant in the budget as we have it at the moment - in fact its the same as I allow for food a week for 3 of us... He is trying to cut it down but its telling

ReanimatedSGB · 13/09/2017 15:26

Is he functioning, though? Is he currently able to fulfill all his commitments, is he generally kind and courteous to you, etc? If so, remember that there is a lot of nonsense talked about 'alcoholism', and it's not a good idea to make something into a problem when it isn't a problem.

As to the budgeting, it's worth working out what things you spend money on that he doesn't like/use/participate in, and whether he could argue that you should both get the same amount of treat money and not have to answer to the other about how you spend it.

Cath2907 · 13/09/2017 15:27

2 separate issues here. He drinks too much. A bottle of wine per night is far above recommended safe levels:

From drinksafe: If you drink around 5 or 6 units of alcohol (two to three pints of lager) each day for around ten years then your chances of developing cirrhosis double. By the time you are drinking around 8 units every day (1 bottle of wine, or 3 pints of Stella each day) then your chances of developing cirrhosis go up ten times.

I'd be addressing his drinking issues as a standalone. However as with most addictions he will need to be ready for this. If he isn't you need to decide what your position is. If he runs out of money he will find a way to finance his problem....

peachgreen · 13/09/2017 15:29

Crikey. That's a lot of alcohol. It's over 600 calories a night, for a start.

I think there's a bigger issue here than who pays for it.

paq · 13/09/2017 15:29

Equal spends per month sounds fair.

But as PP have said, a bottle a night every night is massively unhealthy. He should get a health check as I imagine he is doing huge damage to his liver.

EamonnWright · 13/09/2017 15:29

First comment - I would end the relationship, that will be easier in the long run.

Grin
Redpony1 · 13/09/2017 15:30

I can't understand splitting money like this, it sounds so complicated. You sound like you share children, can't you share the money?

I totally understand why OP is doing what she is. I'd never just have a joint account, children or no children. I don't believe in joint money.

sparechange · 13/09/2017 15:32

But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

But you're a SAHM. How are you financing anything? Confused

There are clearly a couple of issues here. The biggest is that you obviously disapprove of his drinking - the quantity and the bottle cost, and are looking for a way of controlling this which isn't just a sensible, grown-up conversation about it

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 15:34

I also think the issue here is you're a stay at home mum, I think you're taking too much control here and no, I wouldn't do this, the wine and wherever else would come out the joint account. You re movIng into a territory where you view this as solely your money and your decision how much allowance he gets as well as what he should spend it on.

I don't think it's good and I don't think it will end well..

Ttbb · 13/09/2017 15:36

For those of you saying that she doesn't contribute financially because she is a SAHM-how much money do you think he would have to drink if he were paying for the cost of childcare? Just because her financial contribution doesn't come in the form of a pay check doesn't mean that it is not real.

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 15:37

, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

And this is just grabby. I'm all for stay at home parents sharing money, but you seem to think it's yours alone and you should have as much of it as possible. You're financing nothing ultimately and he earns it, so play nicely.