For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

[Iamthinking]

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

I assume she knew before getting together that he likes a drink. He's obviously functioning fine. Some folk glean handle their drink and others can't.

Whether the OP's husband can manage his wine and obligations is one thing (let's assume he can) - his liver managing is an entirely different matter.

More worrying still, something like half of problem drinkers have no symptoms of liver compromise/failure when it does set it, and it's too late when they finally figure it out.

Would you want to see your husband through an early, painful death, deal with all the fallout with your children, become a widow in the prime of your life, for something entirely avoidable?

I'm confused by the comments from Bluntness. Don't you have a joint plan for how to budget etc? Me and dh both work, and he earns more (and I do more childcare), but we both sometimes think about the budget. We might decide for example that we need to try to avoid spending this week, or whatever, and either of us could tell the other that (explaining why). It has never occurred to me that I can't say that to dh because he earns more!

If you adopt that logic then why can't he say "why should I finance you being a SAHM?"

Believeitornot and sparechange you don't appear to understand the financial sacrifice that a SAHM makes. (I'm not a SAHM but I wish I'd had the chance.) Both parties contribute something to the family - one money, the other labour. Being a SAHM isn't a free ride.

We have this kind of system. All expenses paid, savings, then we both get 'pocket money'. Stops resentment and constant conversations about stuff. It's for 'non-essential' items. But what that constitutes is varied. Work shoes, no. Fancy shoes, yes. Wine for family parties/Christmas, no. Wine for one person to cane alone of an evening, yes.

But you both have to agree the items. His reaction to being asked if wine is a non-essential might be very telling.

Would you want to see your husband through an early, painful death, deal with all the fallout with your children, become a widow in the prime of your life, for something entirely avoidable?

You could say this about smoking, bad diet, lack of exercise etc...

A multitude of things.

Oblomov she is not telling him what he should spend his 500 on though, she is saying wine for him (like beauty products etc) isapersonal item so comes out of his personal budget not household

Sure. But it's not her sole decision that's the point. He may feel like I do it is household and I think it's almost guaranteed he will, why would he agree to give her 500 quid a month fun money and himself nothing apart from wine. He has a say too on how his salary is spent.

So ultimately who decides. In this case, it will be him. Every single time, She ain't married and she isn't earning. Ultimately he will call it. Rightly or wrongly. If she forces it to be one of their decisions and not joint he will call it.

She can argue all day long about her contribution in terms of child care but ultimately as he earns it, he will decide. If she earned it she would. She's left herself vulnerable.

She should make this a joint decision.

Just checking OP - do your (delete as appropriate) spray tans/ nails/pedicures/high lights & cut/wax/gym membership/tennis lessons/WI membership/lunch with the girls etc all come out of your £500 'spends' ?

He earns the money! Let him spend it on booze. Plus one bottle of wine a night does not an alcoholic make. If he's drinking it for breakfast maybe.

Can't believe people are defending his right to buy this much wine as a "household expense". This much wine is not a reasonable household expense. Come on. He's spending AT LEAST £300 a month on wine. That's many families' entire grocery budget!

Put it the other way around. OP would be reasonable to spend, say, a £20 a month from the household budget on moisturiser, cleanser etc. But say she suddenly develops very expensive tastes and she's suddenly spending £150 a month on skincare products. That's not a reasonable household expense and should come out of her "fun" budget.

As for those who think SAHMs shouldn't have any say over family finances, I just despair.

'Would you want to see your husband through an early, painful death, deal with all the fallout with your children, become a widow in the prime of your life, for something entirely avoidable?'

The worrying thing is that they are not married. So widow's allowance, next of kin, etc is all a moot point.

'At least a bottle a night' (read, probably 2) every night with no break is far from someone who just likes a drink.

So ultimately who decides. In this case, it will be him. Every single time, She ain't married and she isn't earning. Ultimately he will call it. Rightly or wrongly. Only if he's an utter wanker as well as a problem drinker.

He's spending AT LEAST £300 a month on wine. That's many families' entire grocery budget!

Provided it's within their income bracket, whether another family only has £300 for groceries is irrelevent.

Finances aside, I would be concerned about the long-term impact of his drinking. 365 bottles of wine every year? Aside from the fact that adds up to a fair bit of £££, it can't be good for your partner's liver or general health. Has he always drunk like this? How do you feel about it (apart from the money side of things)?

'At least a bottle a night' (read, probably 2) every night with no break is far from someone who just likes a drink.

Yes. I have some experience in this, and I can tell you that someone who is drinking a bottle a night that you know of is 99% likely to be topping up without your knowledge.

Wow lots of messages, I am afraid I have only read the first page.

Sparechange I think you have it bang on. That is what has dawned on me after writing this OP. It is about me disapproving of it and looking for a way of controlling it.

Whether he's an alcoholic or not (we don't know, because we don't know how he would / if he could function without a bottle a night), that kind of alcohol consumption is extremely unhealthy.

Each month, he's spending £300. He's consuming an extra 18,000 calories. And he's drinking 300 units (rather than the recommended 60). How can anyone think that's okay?

He's spending AT LEAST £300 a month on wine. That's many families' entire grocery budget

So? He can afford it. It's his choice.

Only if he's an utter wanker as well as a problem drinker

Oh I think most men would take issue in this scenario. We can shout women's rights all we want, but back in the real world. He can tell her to fuck right off with her demand for 500 a month fun money.

Bluntness100 no, I don't view it as my own decision only. I am just trying to think through my thoughts and work out what I feel, what is right and reasonable before I start talking to him. That's all.
But I am the driver about all home administrative things hence why I am moving this forward.

You're looking for a way of controlling it, because a person who drinks 'at least a bottle a night' (and please be honest with yourself, how much is it really, that you even see), every single night, no break, is an alcoholic. I'd let the whole money thing go to one side, tbh, whilst I sorted my own financial situation out if I were an unmarried partner, seriously, starting with getting a job because being financially dependent on another person who has no legal obligation to you (only to your children) is bad enough without that person being an addict as well.

So? He can afford it. It's his choice.

Only if you believe OP doesn't get any say in how the money is spent (which apparently you don't).

Wow lots of messages, I am afraid I have only read the first page

What was the point of asking then? Literally pointless
It's not like the thread jumped to 20 pages within an hour it's 3 pages!

Bluntness, do you not feel that being a SAHP is a legitimate undertaking? I'm bemused at your animosity towards the OP. Presumably they arrived at this arrangement by some kind of agreement?

ConciseandNice

Wrong!!

a bottle of wine a night is too much boozing, just unhealthy. What does the Dr think about that level of drinking?

On the spending, I'd usually consider normal wine consumption to be grocery spending, say, up to 3 bottles a week would come out of our 'grocery' spend, above that would be personal spending but really the issue is why every night.