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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

415 replies

Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 14:55

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 13/09/2017 17:25

I'm ignoring all the much bigger problems in your post and focussing on your actual question.

How about budgeting a REASONABLE amount for wine into the joint spends - e.g. enough for 3 decent bottles per week?

PetitFilous123 · 13/09/2017 17:26

I don't understand what money you are contributing OP? You are joining finances now, but you aren't earning money? So what difference does it make if his wine comes out of the grocery budget or not, since it's all the same pot of money, you can just take less of his money for your own spending?

PetitFilous123 · 13/09/2017 17:27

Good suggestion for a compromise sparkletastic

NoSquirrels · 13/09/2017 17:28

As far as I am concerned I don't care if it all goes on a bike, a new pair of shoes or wine.
But HE will care if I make the suggestion I have made here...he may want to insist the wine is normal groceries...and that is what I am trying to think through.

So you have to begin from a very very generalised discussion about what both your priorities are in spending money - after bills & basic groceries, petrol & essential clothing, what is left is discretionary spending.

Out of ALL the discretionary spending, you need to agree DC activities, health stuff e.g. gym membership, holidays, entertainment as a family (days out), gifts, Christmas etc.

How much does all this cost?

THEN you're into the nitty gritty of how much is spent on alcohol vs new shoes (for instance), or alcohol vs saving for a new sofa, or alcohol vs overpaying the mortgage, or alcohol vs fresh flowers for the house. All of which he could argue are not as important ... but the discussion is opened up then. Without you finger-pointing at his alcohol habit.

It will be tricky, you know that. You need to address it, you know that. So be very careful to have all the various things and their costs lined up so he can see facts & figures and other choices for the money, not just you depriving him of something.

Mrsmadevans · 13/09/2017 17:30

If you were saying I want him to stop drinking because he is going to be ill and I am worried about him then fair play to you but to be more concerned about the finances makes you seem a bit callous.

Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 17:32

I haven't mentioned my attitude to the wine because that is a whole other thread. And not one I would choose to have on AIBU either!
I have had a couple of non-confrontational conversations about it. Taking the angle of me being very worried about him. During those he agrees that it is too much and it would be better for his general health and waistline, and he says yes he must get round to cutting down. I suggest ways he could do it to ease into it. Then nothing happens, obviously. He knows how I feel and his habitual drinking is much bigger than I am.
Monkeypoozled I am very sorry to hear about your father. That sounds awful. He does sound like dp, who is very fit (apart from his liver) and has been promoted a couple of times to a high level.
But I am not sure what I am meant to be able to do about it. It is all in his hands now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 17:35

Nosquirrels, I have the spreadsheets all ready, don't worry.

And thank you. Thank you everyone who has given their 4 penneth so far.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 13/09/2017 17:36

Also sparkle has a good route in - if he likes good wine, I assume he orders cases from NakedWine or similar? In which case, agreeing to one case per month @ £150 to come as a bill from the joint account, and any top-up bottles from discretionary personal spends would be a decent compromise, and easy to "police".

IF there's also £150 that goes to something you consider worthwhile but he doesn't e.g. spa weekends, extra childcare for an evening course once a week?, expensive hair appointments, stuff for the DC - whatever.

coastalchick · 13/09/2017 17:37

How old is your OH, OP?

GlitterGlue · 13/09/2017 17:37

You can't do anything about it. Only he can make a change

Your job is to take steps to protect you and your children.

dangermouseisace · 13/09/2017 17:37

I can't believe that so many people are saying a bottle of wine a night does not make an alcoholic. I'm sorry, but IT BLOODY DOES!!! No-one in their right mind 'enjoys' drinking an entire bottle (at least) of wine a night, at home. 14 units a week is the recommended limit for men and he will have drunk most of it in one night.

I agree with PP's who say your DP is probably secretly drinking too. I thought my mother was just drinking every evening to success, til after she went teetotal and admitted there was often lunchtime drinking too.

OP you are perfectly entitled to bring up the issue of your DP's alcohol spending, and that it should be out of his personal spending allocation. You are a family, it is shared finances, your input is just as important as his. If you weren't at home he'd be having to look after the kids/paying for childcare. If you didn't have kids, you'd probably have a job.

Those that say if he can function then your partner is fine...well that's not true. I've seen former 'functioning' alcoholics- successful businessmen etc, requiring 24 hour care at a relatively young age because they cannot safely be left on their own due to the damage caused by alcohol to their brain and their body. It sounds like your DP has a serious problem, OP.

dangermouseisace · 13/09/2017 17:38

excess not success

NoSquirrels · 13/09/2017 17:41

I do think this thread has got a bit detailed by posters not listening to OP: she IS concerned about her DO, and the effect on him and therefore his family/her DC. she has spoken to him about it before.

Perhaps cold hard financial facts and choices might be the lightbulb moment he needs?

PurpleWithRed · 13/09/2017 17:45

Putting aside the bottle-a-night issue, there are several options

  • you have £500 each and he spends all his on wine
or - you have £1000 each and he has wine plus money for other stuff and you have loads to spend on you or - his wine comes out of household expenses but is balanced by you having carte blanche to pay for something only you enjoy from household expenses or - his wine comes out of household expenses and you suck it up

I think the big problem is going to be whatever you do other than option 4 above it's going to result in him facing up to the cost of his boozing. Do you resent the money spent on it? feel it's unfair?

PovertyPain · 13/09/2017 17:46

There a big difference in financing someone having a bottle of wine and financing his alcohol addiction.

EamonnWright · 13/09/2017 17:49

Hes financing it himself though.

rosie1959 · 13/09/2017 17:50

I can say it Dangermouse because I do know a little about alcoholism
Agree it's too much but still does not make him an alcoholic
I am 100 percent alcoholic and have met many in my years of recovery having not touched a drop for over 11 years
It's not what you drink or how much It's what it does to your mental health and wellbeing

KungFuEric · 13/09/2017 17:50

Op can you confirm that this is your dp and not your DH? You are unmarried?

I think that changes things.

Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 17:50

That's a good idea sparkle/squirrels. That would definitely work.

Lalalalyra your husband is right, that is what has happened for years with us. Because my account is the 'working' account, all my money goes on the DCs and their various needs. I just get what is left over, which has become very little as time has gone on.

OK this has all helped. I am not sure I am ready for the conversation tonight, I will see. But the fact that I can see a compromise position will help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 17:51

Unmarried

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 13/09/2017 17:51

The fact that he spends money on gasp wine is a red herring and has derailed the thread. I can drink a bottle of wine each night too and often do. But as wine is inexpensive where I live it's not an issue. This comment is the real issue:

He's spending AT LEAST £300 a month on wine

If your grocery budget can absorb this amount, fine. If it can't then it needs to be addressed, along with all other luxury items that the family consumes

EamonnWright · 13/09/2017 17:52

Exactly Rosie. As I said earlier some can handle it better than others. I haven't drank on a school/work night in a few years because I'm unproductive as I get anxiety with a hangover.

Others are fine.

Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 17:54

Rosie that tallies with what the AA and similar seem to say. It all seems to be about the problem behaviour rather than the quantity. As far as I could tell, they wouldn't bat an eyelid at my dp.

OP posts:
Fluffyunicorns · 13/09/2017 17:55

What Shitorbust says - with knobs on

KungFuEric · 13/09/2017 17:56

The trouble is you come across as grabby demanding your cut. You aren't entitled to any of it, your partner is only obligated to support your children. He chooses to support you too, but I think he might review that choice if you want to portray yourself as hard done by and him the big bad wolf.

How are your personal finances?