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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

415 replies

Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 14:55

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/09/2017 16:27

Oh I think most men would take issue in this scenario. I will thank my lucky stars that I got one of the ones that understands that we jointly decided to bugger up my career while he has been promoted. Because I was taking on the entire burden of childcare for our child. So everything is joint.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/09/2017 16:27

Firstly he's drinking far too much, that should have been your op.

Secondly, that way of splitting finances isn't how I'd want to live tbh given it doesn't sound like you're financially struggling. Do you get anything only you enjoy out of the join by account? Nice shampoo, posh tea, Chocolates? Where does it end? One of you has a sugar problem b their tea, so has to buy sugar?

How many dc do you have?

harshbuttrue1980 · 13/09/2017 16:28

He earns it, its his to spend. You should feel lucky that he allows you to stay at home and not nag him about spending his hard-earned money or he might jack you in and just pay you maintenance.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/09/2017 16:28

I hate iPhone predictive text, it's absurd.

peachgreen · 13/09/2017 16:29

Oh I think most men would take issue in this scenario.

Good grief. You mustn't know very many good men. DH and I have just made our budget for when I'm on maternity leave and he's insisted I take a bigger proportion of our left over "fun money" so I have enough to be able to get out the house for a treat on a regular basis. And that's on top of the extra money I already get to cover the "woman tax" (i.e. my haircuts / skincare / clothes etc cost more than his do).

TipTopTipTopClop · 13/09/2017 16:30

He earns it, its his to spend. You should feel lucky that he allows you to stay at home and not nag him about spending his hard-earned money or he might jack you in and just pay you maintenance.

Where are you people coming from this afternoon?

You do know that there are men (and women!) who like and appreciate having a stay at home spouse to look after their children?

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/09/2017 16:30

You should feel lucky that he allows you to stay at home and not nag him about spending his hard-earned money Why we still need feminism.

OverinaFlash · 13/09/2017 16:30

Do you have financial concerns, is that why you've decided to overhaul the family finances? Or is it just that you don't like him drinking so much? It might be reasonable to suggest that he has a limit on his spending if his spending on wine and other personal pleasures is eating into the family food money, or household repairs etc. Does his drinking impact you or your families quality of life at the moment? Is he rude, abusive, disengaged or incapable of parenting when he's drinking? I think you need to consider all of these things as that will have an impact on how you broach the subject with him.

OfficerVanHalen · 13/09/2017 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peachgreen · 13/09/2017 16:31

You should feel lucky that he allows you to stay at home

Jesus Christ. He should feel lucky that she agreed to stay at home and care for their child so he doesn't have to pay for expensive childcare!

ConciseandNice · 13/09/2017 16:31

As my family's earner I'd be very pissed off if I was told that my hobby (even if it was an expensive one) was unacceptable financially if I was the one bloody financing it. Also stop with the alcoholic bullshit. Drinking a bottle of wine a night does not equal alcoholism. Brits are so ridiculous sometimes and this is one of them. I get that it's unhealthy and god knows there are better ways to spend money, but he can afford it and he pays for it. oP isn't married to him. How
Is she affording £500 per month. I couldn't when I didn't work. Maybe she could organise it so he pays more per month into the joint account, but she shouldn't be telling him how to spend the money if it isn't impacting on what the children get.

HerOtherHalf · 13/09/2017 16:33

The amount he is drinking is an issue from a health and addiction POV but that is not what the OP is asking.

Breaking down the figures, it would appear they have a net disposable income of around £1000 per month and currently half of that is being pissed down the toilet spent on his wine. That is not fair or equitable and should be addressed. The challenge is how to address it in a diplomatic manner that is likely to achieve a positive outcome. Good luck OP but I suspect if you just crack on, put your new system in place and tell him that is how it's going to be you are going to get a rather confrontational reaction from him. I'm on your side BTW. Whilst a disposable income after his wine of £500 is not bad it's not a fortune either and there are bound to be plenty of things the money could be better spent on.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2017 16:33

I would be doing away with any joint account, he can spend his own money on his booze. Decide what your both going to pay for with regards to bills.

OfficerVanHalen · 13/09/2017 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quartz2208 · 13/09/2017 16:34

Bluntness I always thought that a parents decision to become a stay at home parent was a joint one driven by the fact that childcare costs could often swallow up an entire salary.

So basically you are saying household chores, childcare and everything else should fall on the SAHP shoulders but they get no say in how the finances the other provides.

The earner earns it because the other facilitates that happening the other opinions frankly come from the 50s

BewareOfDragons · 13/09/2017 16:34

I agree with other posters that you are overlooking the real problem: your husband is drinking way too much. A bottle to himself every night is the sign of a serious drinking problem. And he is spending a tremendous amount of the family's money to finance his addiction.

BuckinhamL · 13/09/2017 16:35

We organise our finances in much the same way as you've described - we both have our own accounts, and pay into a joint account out if which the household bills, etc. are paid. We keep hold of what little doesn't go on bills for our own devices.

As the full-time earner I pay the groceries, fuel, mortgage, rates, insurance and the bulk of the utilities. But I don't consider that money 'mine'. The house isn't 'mine' because I pay the mortgage from my salary. I understand where you are coming from in that he is spending what I would consider to be an extraordinary amount on booze every week.

As others have pointed out, though, I can't see a scenario where drinking that much every week isn't a really big health concern. The money is a different issue.

Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 16:36

Ok I am onto the second page and I am sorry but I am not going to able to comment on everyone's replies. I can't keep up.

Just to say though, that I want us to have separate spends so that we can go and waste it on what the fuck we each want. I think that was maybe lost in my OP. As far as I am concerned I don't care if it all goes on a bike, a new pair of shoes or wine.
But HE will care if I make the suggestion I have made here...he may want to insist the wine is normal groceries...and that is what I am trying to think through.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 13/09/2017 16:37

Perhaps a compromise then - say £50 a month on normal groceries (2-3 bottles far more in line with a normal couple drinking) and anything else beyond that comes out of his budget

But yes he is drinking far too much

Wolfiefan · 13/09/2017 16:38

The money is irrelevant. You live with an alcoholic. If he drives he is likely to be over the limit the next day. He is putting his health and wellbeing at serious risk.

BuckinhamL · 13/09/2017 16:39

He earns it, its his to spend. You should feel lucky that he allows you to stay at home and not nag him about spending his hard-earned money or he might jack you in and just pay you maintenance.

Ugh.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/09/2017 16:40

All this 'he's lucky she stays at home'; 'she's lucky he goes to work' stuff is nonsense given the op hasn't told us why she is a sahm: her decision, his decision, joint decision?
We also need to know whether the dc are at school, as if they are and the op doesn't work, it's a bit unfair that call the shots on her partners income.

HerOtherHalf · 13/09/2017 16:41

he may want to insist the wine is normal groceries

If you both drank wine to the same extent then possibly, but otherwise no. The wine is a luxury and one that only he is enjoying.

EamonnWright · 13/09/2017 16:42

There is absolutely no way he isn't going to take offence at your suggestion. Maybe folk are right and you will have to find yourself a pushover.

BananaShit · 13/09/2017 16:43

So? He can afford it.

Actually, we don't know if that's true or not. OP says he drinks at least a bottle a night and spends £10-15 per bottle. That description is sufficiently vague that you can come up with monthly sums of more and less than £500, as 500 divided by 30 is £16.66. All the people saying he only drinks a bottle of wine a night haven't read the OP properly.

Granted, the unaffordability of this to others is irrelevant. But we don't actually know whether this family can afford it either.