Update - missed Grammar School application

[sososocross]

So many people have kindly sent pm and a couple of update threads have been started so I wanted to update.

Firstly I really want to thank you all for your help and kindness. I was in a state and without you all I would have lost the plot. You women rule 🏅

Update: They are not letting him do the test and I have told DS. I made the choice to tell him in a vague way and simply stated that something had gone wrong and his application had not been received. I will not lie to him if he asks for more details at a later date, but I couldn't take away his chosen school and his image of his dad in one cruel swoop.

He cried and asked me to sort it out, and I told him I had tried and couldn't. I told him my alternate plans and he relaxed. I also told him I would be coming home early 2x per week from here on, and we would work together on homework, extra study or whatever he chose. If he wants to register for the 12 or 13 plus I will do all I can to assist him. Then we watched guardians of the galaxy and had big cuddle up on the sofa.

So that's where we are.

I am sorry to those I irritated by deleting the thread, I was very worried about the daily mail and any come back. I hope you understand I was having a crisis and listed inappropriate details which could identify my son on the thread.

Please don't mention school details on this thread as I'd rather it all remain anonymous for his sake.

Thanks again for all the kindness, it meant the world to me.

you could always mmove with ds to an areea where the deadline has not passed. leave h where he is... (only a half serious suggestion)

Thanks so much for all the lovely comments. I don't know what I'll do about the DH situation yet. Is tea in bed and a cracking good laugh enough? Maybe not. I am getting tireder as I get older and it wears thin.

We did have counselling on 2 separate occasions but it didn't work. Each was stopped (by DH) after 1 session. In both cases an outline of the problems in our relationship immediately led to a break down of DH's issues with his family and how I needed to support this man who was doing the very best he could. I was portrayed as a grasping tyrant who wanted more than he could manage (to own a house, hold down jobs etc nothing out of the ordinary to most people!) and was putting him under undue pressure. He was very angry at how they put his problems on me and implied I was demanding too much of him. He is a very sympathetic figure and being a 6'6" Alexander Skarsgard lookalike doesn't do him much harm in the sympathy stakes either! People have actually straight out asked him why he is with me.

He is NC with his entire family and does have trauma related to his childhood but none of that accounts for lying to me and telling me he'd done it.

You've achieved what you had no right to?

Did I just read that right?

Soso it sounds like your self esteem is absolutely on the floor. Of COURSE you have a right to achieve what you work for.

Soso, do you think its possible that he doesn't want DS achieving, and that's why he fucked up? I really don't want to upset you, I just hope that there isn't anything malicious behind his lack of action

TWATBADGER. That is a new one. Brilliant.

Haven't RTFT but I just wanted to say I am sorry the school said no to the test, and that your son was upset. I really hope things work out.

I hate the idea that your husband is going to potentially get away with it.

As has been said, you and your son sound precious, and I wish you well.

Jesus Soso I've just read your last post.

Your self esteem is utterly shot love. Please, I think you need to think about counselling for yourself. Sod him, you need a boost for yourself.

Do you have any RL support?

He is a very sympathetic figure and being a 6'6" Alexander Skarsgard lookalike doesn't do him much harm in the sympathy stakes either! People have actually straight out asked him why he is with me.

FFS aren't people nasty? Who SAYS that?!

True Blood?
Big Little Lies? - how apt!!

But seriously, as a poster just said, the school said there were other children in this position.

I.e. Others who had missed the deadline.

Is there a procedure?
Does anyone review? Decide that out of the 15 late applicants .... say 5 get to sit?

Or is it end of/ end of.
I.e. Nope. Deadline passed. Computer says no.

I'm just asking because I don't know the procedure. Or if there even is one.

Is it a dead end? 100%?

Oblomov17 - they basically said if you want to argue this, you can do it in court and we will challenge it. I don't want to do that and don't have £ for a solicitor anyway. They were very hard faced about it.

kitty - you may well be right I don't know at the moment.

oh for foxs - there is definitely an element of 'we don't deserve this' in both of us. He cried when we took the kids on holiday to the US because he said it was his childhood dream to give his kids what he didn't have etc. I am 100% sure he didn't sabotage DS chances deliberately but I am carefully thinking about how it could happen. He has set himself up to fail so so many times and won't let that happen to DC

hiphopcat - it's been said a few times - good looking women mostly! haha When I was at Uni a girl in my flat took her clothes off and tried to get in the shower with him to 'show him what he could have'' in her words! And the blokes he play rugby with make thinly veiled 'banter' comments about me but I am confident in his loyalty and love for me, but he is shit at so many things....

how I needed to support this man who was doing the very best he could. I was portrayed as a grasping tyrant who wanted more than he could manage (to own a house, hold down jobs etc nothing out of the ordinary to most people!)

I really sympathise with this OP, had a v similar experience some years ago (ex did nothing round house, and ignored his kids, stated no reason for it, I was utterly worn out and miserable, but counselor said I must be 'more accepting of him' and was expecting too much.
I know you've had it twice, but maybe try again, we did later find a counselor who was fair (tho by then she could only help us separate amicably, and him to be a better dad after that...).
Maybe try going on your own first, then bring him in after you've had chance to explain what is bothering you?

I wonder if it was deliberate to be honest. My DH has this habit of sabotaging stuff. He has quite bad mood swings sometimes, and is nice some weeks, and vile on others I am walking on eggshells some weeks.

He has ruined around 4 of the last special things we had, like our daughter's 18th he ruined (for me) by having a nasty little passive aggressive mood that caused a toxic air. I know it wasn't my birthday, but it was still a massive milestone in my daughter's life, and he made me feel like shit for the entire day, and I had to pretend to be happy..

He has also deliberately gone and got overtime at work, when we didn't need the money, when we had a nice weekend planned.

Also, on several occasions when we have been going out with family or friends, he causes a row for nothing, and leaves me feeling quite low. It's like he deliberately does things to sabotage something nice or good. He even went off on one about nothing on New Year's Eve afternoon last year, making me cry, and upsetting me a lot. It ruined new year's eve for me.

I don't know why this is, and he even says 'nothing ever works out for me very well,' and I think 'well YOU are part of the reason actually!'

He is always 'sorry' after, but the damage is done by then.

So I do wonder if your DH did do it on purpose.

I hope it all works out well in the end 'socross.'

You've been amazing so so. I hope each of my girls end up with a lad (or lady) who has the work ethic of your son.

My dh is disorganised. He has a good job, manages the household finances but stuff with the kids can elude him (stuff like putting a water bottle in their bag). I suppose it's whether you can accept and want to take the responsibility for the crappier bits that he can't seemingly be bothered about. I find it a complete turn off. I've said to my dh numerous times. I'm not his mother. He's a responsible adult. If he can organise his football matches he can help the kids with their homework. And like above I fucking hate that men are declared saints for doing even a basic chore but women are meant to just get on with it!

Perhaps you both need counselling separately. He is not doing you a favour by being with you.

When you have had a chance to take stock I would be tempted to put it very bluntly to your DH that what he has done has damaged your trust in him. He has done something that has let down his own child and lied about it. Ask him what he is going to do to ensure that it doesn't happen again as you won't rush around for him trying to pick up the pieces. Next time he will have to face up to the full consequences of what he has done.
Then go quiet and see what he says. If his answers are all about him and how he feels then he really hasn't got the message.

I've been thinking about this and I know you are trying to limit the emotional impact on your son by not telling him this problem is entirely his father's making, but I believe that is a mistake. He deserves to know the truth, and he should not be left to believe he can rely on someone he- quite clearly- can't. I'm not sure how he should be told, because that will be important (it's not going to work doing a "your father is a lazy, irresponsible, idiot of a man who couldn't be bothered to fill in a quick but very important form for you, even after being reminded about it, even after lying about having already done it" rant, although I'd be sorely tempted), but I do think he should know the basics of why this happened.

I disagree about telling the DS.

He's got a lot to take in right now and adding his fathers ineptitude into the mix would seem to me to having no positive benefit to him whatsoever.

The root cause of the issue doesn't change the outcome here - it simply adds another layer of emotional angst to all members of the family to process and absorb.

Yes, it's a bit shit he's "getting away with it" from his son's POV but being a parent sometimes means protecting them from some things it's not in their best interests to know and this is what the OP is doing.

Quite rightly the OP needs to think about what next, but for example, if she decides to take a break from the marriage, temporarily or permanently, knowing the catalyst for that was the application could be very distressing for her DS - despite any reassurances that he was not at fault.

OP as pp's have said, it's all very raw. Try and take some time to be kind to yourself and don't be in any hurry to make a decision.

That said, I would be very tempted to sit down with DH one to one and make very clear that this issue has gone way beyond the pale for you and that your anger, disappointment and resentment over his behaviour has confirmed you can't continue on this way. His lying and failure to own the problem, leaving you (yet again) to pick up the pieces has shattered your emotions. Be honest - you have no idea what that means right now, other than you can't continue to maintain the status quo through being in a constant state of anxiety in anticipation of fixing yet another problem caused by his lack of attention/priorities.
Or alternatively being the de facto parent/adult for absolutely everything as well as being the primary breadwinner.

Remind him you were "here" in your row in the summer and yet barely into Autumn the most important thing he had to do he failed at - worst, he lied about it, did nothing to address his mistake other than sulk and sob.

I think you need to ram home that this isn't "over" and as a start point he needs to take responsibility for what he's done and actually work out if he wants to be a grown up and put some effort into resolving the chasm this has created in your relationship - beyond making some sodding soup.

ohforfoxes - I am the real life support to my immediate family and my many siblings. I am not viewed as someone who needs support and I find it v hard to ask. This isn't a pity party thou - I have a very good life and my DC are my world :)

scottish - thanks for that advice. I will look into it. Did you get an NHS referral or go private? I found it hard to find help.

It does sound as though there is something there worth fighting for, OP....I am appalled at the shit you've had to go through because of his good looks. And he sounds like a fundamentally good person who made a really, really terrible mistake (even the lie can be seen as a mistake). But as a PP said, it needs to be he who does the fighting.

Whatever you decide to do, it may be worth never telling your son the absolute whole truth of this or else he might blame himself.

Op, just want to re iterate what others have said, you are an amazing mum and your DS's attitude and effort will take him a long, long way.

We live in an area with no grammars near and ours is a 'one comp' town, which is where my 2 went. DS was second set for most things, but he is a worker. Got the college award for effort in year 9, amazing given each college has 2 forms in each of 5 years, so he beat approx 300 others to the award.

Good but not stellar GCSEs, but at 6th form, where they are more independent, he beat many who did much better than him at GCSE. He was ill doing AS exams, so bombed one of the exams in his chosen uni subject, but with a lot of effort and a resit in that exam, pulled a D up to an A at end of 6th form. He is about to start his second year at a good uni, doing that subject - a pure science - with a high first in first year.

He had a retail job in sixth form and went to back to same shop in uni city at Easter. He has just had to resign as the set shifts were much longer in uni city and not conducive with 2nd yr of a science degree. At his leaving interview and on leaving day he was told more than once that if the supervisor/line manager could offer him shorter shifts then they would, as he was such a hard worker.

I have a friend whose 2DD went to grammar and DS equalled and beat their A level grades, and in more academic subjects.

Have another friend who is obsessed with grammar schools. She sat at my table as her eldest was starting yr 11, and said "Anything less than all A at GCSE is a failure". DS was sat next to her, having just got his results and with only 1 A to his name ☹️. I will be interested to see how her kids' lives and my son's pan out.

DS gets his work ethic from DH, who, despite failing his 11+, has done very well for himself, going to grammar for A levels, doing a HND (could have done extra year for degree but wanted to start work) then working very hard, often working long hours, doing long commutes. He has as good a life as his sister who passed 11+ and went on to do medicine!!

My DB on the other hand, passed 11+, v good O levels, did 2yrs office work at 16 and hasn't worked for the last 39 yrs! A good education wasted on someone with no will to work.

Your DS will go far!!

MsQueen - that is a lovely thing to say, thank you
Chaz - yes that is what I am going to ask/say when we talk. He is still texting me every 1/2 hour. I am feeling very weary of him.

Darth

Quite rightly the OP needs to think about what next, but for example, if she decides to take a break from the marriage, temporarily or permanently, knowing the catalyst for that was the application could be very distressing for her DS - despite any reassurances that he was not at fault.

This is exactly what I think, my DF was violent and abusive but my greatest fear was that my mum would leave him for battering us. Kids take so much guilt for things they cannot control, and I want him to have a trauma free childhood.

He's lucky to have you as a mum OP

PoorYorrick - oh no - I've it sound like I'm fawning over his good looks - I'm not - he's just my DH really, but it is how he is viewed.

He is trying in his own ridiculous way but it's just so lame. Soup FFS. Tonight he's made a roaring log fire and text me a photo of DC and cats all cuddled up on the sofa reading together. I bet he's also done all the laundry and made a hot water bottle and popped it in my bed. But I need a partner and the lie has broken my heart.