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Original poster

Update - missed Grammar School application

685 replies

sososocross · 13/09/2017 11:45

So many people have kindly sent pm and a couple of update threads have been started so I wanted to update.

Firstly I really want to thank you all for your help and kindness. I was in a state and without you all I would have lost the plot. You women rule 🏅

Update: They are not letting him do the test and I have told DS. I made the choice to tell him in a vague way and simply stated that something had gone wrong and his application had not been received. I will not lie to him if he asks for more details at a later date, but I couldn't take away his chosen school and his image of his dad in one cruel swoop.

He cried and asked me to sort it out, and I told him I had tried and couldn't. I told him my alternate plans and he relaxed. I also told him I would be coming home early 2x per week from here on, and we would work together on homework, extra study or whatever he chose. If he wants to register for the 12 or 13 plus I will do all I can to assist him. Then we watched guardians of the galaxy and had big cuddle up on the sofa.

So that's where we are.

I am sorry to those I irritated by deleting the thread, I was very worried about the daily mail and any come back. I hope you understand I was having a crisis and listed inappropriate details which could identify my son on the thread.

Please don't mention school details on this thread as I'd rather it all remain anonymous for his sake.

Thanks again for all the kindness, it meant the world to me.

OP posts:
fadingfast · 13/09/2017 16:04

I am full of admiration for how you are handling this, and the fact that you resisted laying the blame at the feet of your DH. I really don't know that I would have the strength of character to have done that Flowers

Hissy · 13/09/2017 16:17

soso I can't recall a time that I have admired someone more than I admire you.

Poise. That's what comes through. Poise, grace and total love.

the fact that your DD made her DB a pancake shows me more that you have all done an amazing job of raising such wonderful children.

I have no answers for you, but I have every faith in you that you will steer the right course and things will work out well for you all, whatever happens.

SandyDenny · 13/09/2017 16:20

Now that other posters have mentioned it I'm also concerned that your DH will lie about this in the future and try to male it your fault.

Is there anyway you could gently explain to your DS so he knows the truth now. It could be very difficult in the future if he doesn't know who to trust is he aware of who was responsible for the application.

gingergenius · 13/09/2017 16:28

Oh bless your DS. At least now you know what's what and you can work to an alternative game plan. So sorry for you and DS but you've handled it with grace under pressure and all will be well eventually. Your DH is still a prize twat and that is a whole different battle. Wishing you luck. Please keep us posted x

dutchyoriginal · 13/09/2017 16:35

Thank you for the update. I am in awe of what you have been doing for your DS in the past few days.

Don't know whether other posters thought this too, but when I woke up this morning, I wondered whether your DS still managed to get up extra early to practice, or whether he would wake up and realize that that would be useless for this moment. Felt so sad for him. :-(

Park your feelings for your husband for a while. This was a rollercoaster, a hurricane. Try to find some stable footing with your DS and only then look at the relationship. Leaving him won't mean the 22 years were worthless, they meant a lot and brought you your lovely DCs. At the same time, just because you had those 22 years and (parts of) they/m were good, doesn't mean you need to stay together another 22 years. But give it time, it is such a big decision, it deserves that time.

mygorgeousmilo · 13/09/2017 16:37

I'm really pleased with your update, and to echo pp, your son's attitude and your direction will take him far. I went to the shittiest school ever, it was well documented at the time. But I worked hard and had a good home life, and have gone on to do whatever I've chosen to do as an adult, and excelled in my various choices, and so have all of my school friends. Lots haven't, the odds aren't always in your favour at the less prestigious school - but he sounds like a boy who can handle a challenge. I wouldn't go back and change my secondary education for anything. The last time my friends and I all talked about how horrendous our school was, we realised that nearly all of our colleagues and contemporaries in chosen fields were privately or grammar schooled. We are the exceptions, not the rule. I believe that it will be the same for your boy. That's not even to say the school he's going to is no good, I have no idea - just it isn't the most desired school for him, as was the situation with me. None of us had a choice really, I can think of so many school mates who are now doing so incredibly well, absolutely dominating in their chosen fields. School is important but it really isn't the only factor in a bright future. I think that your guidance, and quite clearly excellent and loving parenting, will be the overriding influence on his life. Your DH is another matter. I know it's not about LTB, but maybe some counselling with an objective person could help him understand how resentful he'll continue to make you feel, if he dodges responsibility for problems. My husband does it too, to an extent, but I don't think I've ever even given him a chance to fuck up to such a degree. I don't know that that's a good thing! I would have told him to take responsibility for the application, and then been breathing down his neck... again not ideal.

MumW · 13/09/2017 16:39

22 years is a long time to throw away and it is not impossible to come back from this, but it will take time and work.

22 years is a long time to give up without a fight but it really isn't OP who should be doing the fighting.

The big question is "Does DH actually realise there is something to come back from?" I suspect not, he is too busy with his meltdown and trying to look like the injured party.
Until he acknowledges and owns what he has done, he isn't going to feel the need to fight.

I also think you need to consider counselling with a professional to help you make DH understand.

TheFrogWithLibraryBooks · 13/09/2017 16:45

Your DC are a credit to you, and as they get older they will figure out themselves how their dad can't be relied upon to do as he says he will!

I recently told my (25yo) DD the full reasons I split with her dad, and she said she had suspected all along but knew she'd just get bs if she asked him as she knows what he's like!

I know the feeling of cold anger as I often feel like that towards my (son)IL.
He's always been a bit unreliable but his true selfishness has only shown itself since the DC arrived.
My (other) DD is really upset with him a lot but doesn't want to put the DC through a divorce so she is stuck with an incompetent twat and we tear our hair out trying to figure out how to fix it!
He is rarely given any household stuff that would have consequences if not done, but still he manages to keep to deadlines at work and do a really good job there!

Sorry, rant over, I should start a ranty thread about him I think!

Wolfiefan · 13/09/2017 16:53

I saw the last thread but didn't have anything helpful to post. I agree with with the poster who said you have amazing "poise". You may be extremely cross but what comes across is how you want to handle this in the best possible way for your child. Bloody awesome.
FWIW. My eldest passed the grammar school test but not as well as all the kids who had been tutored every week for years. Surprise!!
He went to a comprehensive school. He has settled well and achieving really good grades. He's happy and I'm proud of his progress. Grammar isn't everything. Flowers

umberellaonesie · 13/09/2017 16:53

I have experienced a similar situation where my husband monumentally let me down. We are also childhood sweethearts with a similar story.
We are 6 months on, hold on.
I think we are heading for counselling but not soon.
I remind him daily how much he hurt and disappointed me,it took him a while to actually hear me. But he does hear and is trying to understand.
So my advice be kind to yourself. But hold on this isn't a quick decision to be made. The way forward won't become clear for a long time, so hold on.
Joy and love are precious.

Capricorn76 · 13/09/2017 17:00

You are a wonderful mother and you have a wonderful son.

In regards to your DH. If I were you the first thing I would be telling him is that he needs to get a FT job, he can't be trusted with home admin. Secondly book yourselves in for counselling. Thirdly, tell him he's in the last chance saloon.

InsomniacAnonymous · 13/09/2017 17:02

umberellaonesie "I remind him daily how much he hurt and disappointed me,it took him a while to actually hear me."

You have reminded him daily for 6 months?

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 13/09/2017 17:11

OP, I don't know if anybody has already said this, but if your DS is very talented at rugby could you look at a scholarship+ bursary for an Independent school keen on their rugby at 13+?

PoorYorick · 13/09/2017 17:17

It's funny, because nobody has died and nobody is ill, and yet this situation makes me sadder than any I have read recently. Your poor poor little boy....and poor poor you.

You have a good Plan B in place and your son is obviously a grafter who's going to make his own destiny. And he has a mother like you to support him. It's going to be all right.

Middleoftheroad · 13/09/2017 17:19

Thanks for the update - I've been thinking about you.

Now we know where DS gets his incredible traits from - you.

I'm really sorry you couldn't turn it around and then had to break it to DS, but I really admire your resolve and attitude. Your DS will go far.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 13/09/2017 17:23

Just weighing in to cheer you on OP. You've done fantastically in remedying this situation.

(I also recognise too much of DP in your DH)

Fluffysparks · 13/09/2017 17:44

Honestly I would tell your son. Then 'D'H can deal with the fallout. I understand you don't want to take both things away, but in his subconscious mind seeing as you are normally in charge of paperwork except this one instance and you are the one who tried (and in his eyes failed, although we all know that isn't the case) to sort it out, he is probably villifying you. Just think about that.

DiscoDiva70 · 13/09/2017 17:59

Sososocross
Thank you for updating us and I'm also sorry it didn't work out the way you'd hoped it would.

As others have said, you really have a son who is a total credit to you and I'm sure, with his attitude and motivation, he'll go far in life.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 13/09/2017 18:05

You've handled the whole thing really well. Good luck to your DS - he sounds ace.

umberellaonesie · 13/09/2017 18:09

Yup Insomniac, through my behaviour my words etc etc,
I was/still am beyond disappointed and questioning if we want the same things for our future if he can forget something so important. (it was a similar thing to OP)
But he is my other half quite literally and it isn't as simple as walking away.

Oblomov17 · 13/09/2017 18:11

Can I just ask. Check.
Is the chance of him sitting 0%?
Like, totally totally zero chance?

Did the Head of the new school say categorically no. He/She has already checked with Governors (really?Hmm) and checked with LEA/higher statutory regulators etc etc (really - within 1/2 a day they got all of this agreed) and it's a total no no?

Hmm to current school Head and her views on grammars generally.

But I just wanted to check. That this is a complete closed 🚪 door and the 🐴 horse has definitely bolted? Right?

kittybiscuits · 13/09/2017 18:18

If your H was any kind of a man he would tell the truth to your son and apologise and face your son's feelings.

He could have a his pick of women, honestly I am told daily how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man - he's there at the school gate, the swimming, etc. So handsome and funny. Always there with a compliment and perfectly timed witty aside.

I think he is a dud. A pretty face. Shallow and self-absorbed. Your feelings towards him are entirely normal. Watch closely and think about what you and your children deserve.

MrsHathaway · 13/09/2017 18:21

Calm down, Sherlock Hmm

On the old thread, OP said she'd been told there were several children in the same position. I imagine it happens every year and there's an established procedure.

Bekabeech · 13/09/2017 18:23

He could have a his pick of women, honestly I am told daily how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man - he's there at the school gate, the swimming, etc. So handsome and funny. Always there with a compliment and perfectly timed witty aside.
This doesn't mean that anyone would really want him - there are lots of men who are fun to look at, and laugh with BUT I could never live with.

I really hope you and your DC get past this and move on to better lives. But your DH needs to shape up or be discarded.

BoreOfWhabylon · 13/09/2017 18:28

Very wise words from peachgreen

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