Update - missed Grammar School application

[sososocross]

So many people have kindly sent pm and a couple of update threads have been started so I wanted to update.

Firstly I really want to thank you all for your help and kindness. I was in a state and without you all I would have lost the plot. You women rule 🏅

Update: They are not letting him do the test and I have told DS. I made the choice to tell him in a vague way and simply stated that something had gone wrong and his application had not been received. I will not lie to him if he asks for more details at a later date, but I couldn't take away his chosen school and his image of his dad in one cruel swoop.

He cried and asked me to sort it out, and I told him I had tried and couldn't. I told him my alternate plans and he relaxed. I also told him I would be coming home early 2x per week from here on, and we would work together on homework, extra study or whatever he chose. If he wants to register for the 12 or 13 plus I will do all I can to assist him. Then we watched guardians of the galaxy and had big cuddle up on the sofa.

So that's where we are.

I am sorry to those I irritated by deleting the thread, I was very worried about the daily mail and any come back. I hope you understand I was having a crisis and listed inappropriate details which could identify my son on the thread.

Please don't mention school details on this thread as I'd rather it all remain anonymous for his sake.

Thanks again for all the kindness, it meant the world to me.

I don't think it was self-sabotage because he doesn't think he deserves a son so good. I think it was self-sabotage in a procrastination way. Where you know you HAVE to do something, but you just can't seem to get your head in gear to do it, and then the pressure you feel to do it builds and builds and it's all you can think about, and it's a weight on your shoulders every day, but yet, you still just can't, well, don't, do it.

Thanks for the update op. I've been thinking about your thread and what a mature lad your DS is.

I recognise some of the traits in my DH. Totally tiring to have to do all the thinking for the family. But he doesn't see it and I think it's killed off our relationship.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

Thanks for the update

Good luck to your son, and you and I really hope everything works out for him.

Self sabotage is a possibility seeing as he's known for being selfish.
He might not want to admit that to himself - or you - but his son's education is NOT something to procrastinate over.

I know a parent who mmm's and aaaah's over things they didn't get to do as a child, things like Brownies. They don't outright say 'no', they just drag their heels and create an atmosphere where you can't have a conversation about it.

My partner worked as a lawyer doing children's care cases. As by and large children do better even in pretty awful families, things have to be very bad indeed for you to be taken into care. It's not what a lot of people on MN want to hear, but to be able to hold down a job, to have a reasonably stable marriage and to have children who you try to love and care for - is a huge achievement when you come from a highly dysfunctional background. If that's not what you experienced yourself you can't just automatically do it. It's like learning a whole new language.

This doesn't mean it is an easy ride being married to some one who has all this lurking in their background. It doesn't give them an automatic 'Get Out' card when they screw up.

I think ultimately what children need as they grow up - more than any material object or any kind of privilege - is to know that although their parents are flawed and have their own demons, they are really trying to be there for their kids. And that if they screw up, they will do their best to pick up the pieces and try to do better.

OP I've been following the thread and rooting for you and your son.

But something to think about re privacy. Obviously people online would love to hear updates and follow along with the story, but it's got a lot of attention and you may not really want that for your family. Think about it and perhaps ask MNHQ to either delete the thread or the last few posts about your DH's personal situation?

Best of luck to you and your family!

good point zaphod

OP, I'm very late to the thread but I have read it and I recognise some of the things you're describing in your DH.

There is a book called Fast Minds: How to Thrive if You Have ADHD by Craig Surman and Tim Bilkey.

It was recommended to me by a teacher who had recently read it and recognised himself. His lack of organisation was causing him problems professionally and the strategies in this book have helped him understand where his challenges come from and make some very positive changes.

I'm not excusing your DH's behaviour in any way, particularly the lying, or suggesting that you should use the book yourself to help him. I just think it might help your DH to read it and see if he recognises himself and could make some changes that improve life for him and those around him.

Hey soso - I agree, ask MNHQ perhaps to take this down & start again somewhere less high traffic.

Interesting that your DH remembers nothing from his own life 11-14 as it is often the case that DC teaching an age/stage when we suffered a trauma can trigger problems.

wishing you all the best.

I am so sorry to hear how badly your DH is feeling right now and what an extreme reaction he has had - it's clearly not a clear cut situation for him and I hope you can both find some serious support to help you get through this. I'm also really pleased to see that he's at least trying to rectify the situation for your son, and even if it's a slim hope I hope it works out.

I don't think his reaction should prevent you from taking a hard look at your relationship but I'm sure you will do that in time - you're clearly a very level headed and proactive woman and you'll make the very best of this.

However, I do have one other suggestion, it's probably come up before, but it's worth throwing out there. Could you move house, say a county away, and try again from another location? Or is that too late?

Mind, the sports academy sounds like a good bet for him. And there's so many things you can do to support a sports and educational career that don't involve a grammar school, too.

Crikey, life's never easy is it? You think one things sorted then something else related rears its head and the cycle continues. @sososocross you sound amazing. Thoughts with Ds and hope goes well with DH and admissions tomorrow anyway.

You may end up making different choices than you originally intended and somehow these things work out.

Feels dreadful when you're in the middle of it though. Totally draining.

OP I've been thinking. And following the thread. My heart goes out to you all really.

I have a DP who has had issues and made moves to move on and be much more aware of himself in recent years. It's this development over years that separates the deadbeat dickheads from those that learn from their own idiocy. Only time tells
which is which so I really sympathise

I think your DH needs to have some kind of psychotherapy himself and work through a lot of history before you could do couples counselling. I've recently started seeing a therapist and whilst I'm happy to tell DP what we've talked about after the fact, telling someone without an agenda stuff is very very different.

the thread could be moved to 30 days only maybe

Op, your husband sounds sorry but I think you need to regard him with a long, cool and dispassionate eye.

Being from an exceptionally abusive background - well, albertatrilogy sums it up perfectly. But even so, talk of suicide is pretty heavy stuff.

It remains that he fucked up very badly and then his response has been disastrously bad - both his self pity and arrogance, and now this talk of suicide. It's clear that he's had a very bad time, but I think you need to remember your original starting point: that you did all the work in the family, you asked him to step up to do some things, and he has spectacularly failed.

Frankly, talk of suicide when someone has let someone else down devastatingly badly, tends to ring Abusive Bastard bells.

Admittedly there are exceptions to everything, and just maybe this is one of those. But it's worth keeping some emotional distancefor some time, observing him. I'm not sure how you could trust him again.

My heart goes out to you, your DS and your DH. I hope your DH gets the help he needs so that your life becomes easier. My own DF wasn't able to continue with therapy as it got too painful for him, not everybody is able to face the pain they are carrying.

I've often seen people advise on here to divide chores according to strengths. I don't know if this is helpful, and I get sick of doing everything myself regarding household administration and finances myself as DH is useless at it and doesn't seem to recognise it as work. Actually I often end up helping with his work admin too. He recently had the nerve to say he was on top of all his admin before he met me, as if it's somehow my fault he isn't now. He wasn't long apologising for that little gem!

It sounds like you and your DH have made a stable happy home for your DC. Keep sight of that. Emotionally intelligent people are often far more successful in life than academically intelligent people, and it seems your DS is both.

Neither DH nor I grew up in happy homes and we are determined to provide one for our DS but it has been a struggle and I get very frustrated with DH and wonder if staying is the right or wrong thing. He has done some very self-destructive things over the years and it takes great patience to see them as such. But when the 2 of us or the 3 of us are sitting around laughing and chatting there is no place I'd rather be. I love him very much but I don't love his problems!

I sincerely hope all goes well for you. Oh and fuck the assholes who have commented on you being lucky to have him or whatever. How dare they.

I am another person who wonders if this new thread may be too indentifying for you. I also totally retract my much earlier suggestion that you should have couple counselling, your DH does need trauma counselling for his childhood, this may require a bit of hunting out but he needs address his childhood issues as he is not self harming, he his harming his DC and his DW.

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling totally emotionally exhausted and don't really have anymore to say about it all. I agree that no matter what the issues his behaviour has crossed a line because DC are our responsibility and they do not have the ability to make their own life choices. I also know DH loves us and that we love him and that we have overcome a lot Nora together than we could have alone.

I'm going to see how his meeting goes (I have no hope really) and see how things go over the next few weeks.

I really appreciate all the help and advice, it's lovely to know that you are out there, sending kind wishes. I have a lot of 'friends' but can't talk about this stuff, so thanks again.

More not Nora!

Still keeping fingers crossed for your husbands meeting. I hope he can get them to change their minds.

Whatever the root of your DH's problems are, the point is that you have been the one who has acted to sort this out while he has created a drama that is all about him. Threatening suicide, I mean come on. Booking an appointment with the Head - well if anything comes of it then I will be glad to be wrong.

I was in a relationship with someone who repeatedly let me down like your DH. I tried so hard to soldier on for the sake of the kids to keep the family together. I just couldn't do it in the end. It takes two people to make a marriage work. It nearly broke me, I had a mental health crisis and became borderline alcoholic. .When I split up with him, he moved on to another partner within weeks because he really didn't love me at all, I was just a domestic functionary.

Society tells us we have to try and keep the family together for the sake of the children. But mothers deserve a life too, and not to be driven to near madness. Please put yourself first because noone else is going.

Sorry to be that person, but are you sure it wasn't him that was guilty of a serious crime? He could have been in care for that reason.

I was wondering that as well. I wondered if maybe something had happened in the past, that involved him being the perpetrator, and that he why he is acting like he is.

Saying he will kill himself so that the school will feel sorry for your son and let him in, means he is either seriously unwell, or a massive attention-seeking drama queen.

Re, what @PovertyJetSet said on page 12, no he doesn't sound like a bad man, and most people are not saying that, but something is seriously amiss.

I get that he may have had a bad childhood, and may have 'issues' now relating to that, but none of it excuses forgetting/not being bothered to send off your son's application.

I am with @RubyRed from the previous page. Particularly the first paragraph.

Whatever the root of your DH's problems are, the point is that you have been the one who has acted to sort this out while he has created a drama that is all about him. Threatening suicide, I mean come on. Booking an appointment with the Head - well if anything comes of it then I will be glad to be wrong.

I was in a relationship with someone who repeatedly let me down like your DH. I tried so hard to soldier on for the sake of the kids to keep the family together. I just couldn't do it in the end. It takes two people to make a marriage work. It nearly broke me, I had a mental health crisis and became borderline alcoholic. .When I split up with him, he moved on to another partner within weeks because he really didn't love me at all, I was just a domestic functionary.

Society tells us we have to try and keep the family together for the sake of the children. But mothers deserve a life too, and not to be driven to near madness. Please put yourself first because no one else is going to.

Upshot is, although I know people have bad shit from the past, there comes a time where you can't keep using it as a crutch, or an excuse to treat people like shit, keep fucking up, and expecting someone else to pick up the pieces because of what happened to you. What if you didn't have them, you would have to sort shit yourself and make sure things didn't fuck up then!

Your relationship may well be worth fighting for. But HE has to fight.

Another one with fingers crossed here.

I know there is going to come a point where updating these threads isn't helping you anymore, and you'll (rightly) disappear into the ether, but I just wanted to echo people's comments about how fab both you and your DS have been through this whole situation. This thread has really resonated with me somehow, and I send all the best to you all, hoping DH gets the help he needs.