Update - missed Grammar School application

[sososocross]

So many people have kindly sent pm and a couple of update threads have been started so I wanted to update.

Firstly I really want to thank you all for your help and kindness. I was in a state and without you all I would have lost the plot. You women rule 🏅

Update: They are not letting him do the test and I have told DS. I made the choice to tell him in a vague way and simply stated that something had gone wrong and his application had not been received. I will not lie to him if he asks for more details at a later date, but I couldn't take away his chosen school and his image of his dad in one cruel swoop.

He cried and asked me to sort it out, and I told him I had tried and couldn't. I told him my alternate plans and he relaxed. I also told him I would be coming home early 2x per week from here on, and we would work together on homework, extra study or whatever he chose. If he wants to register for the 12 or 13 plus I will do all I can to assist him. Then we watched guardians of the galaxy and had big cuddle up on the sofa.

So that's where we are.

I am sorry to those I irritated by deleting the thread, I was very worried about the daily mail and any come back. I hope you understand I was having a crisis and listed inappropriate details which could identify my son on the thread.

Please don't mention school details on this thread as I'd rather it all remain anonymous for his sake.

Thanks again for all the kindness, it meant the world to me.

Another one who thinks it's weird you are not going to face anything with your husband
He is not another child but he acts like one and you treat him like one

For the sake of your son you need to address the issue with your husband

Please leave him to sort himself out
He was going to commit suicide
Please another thing that makes it all about him
He is the worse kind of man child

You seem so strong in other area and a smart lady
Why do it to yourself and your child

While I have a bit of sympathy for your husband he made it all about him and not his son. I couldn't be doing with that.

There is a slight chance a remorseful and devastated man will get a different hearing than an organised but disappointed woman. That is it's own thread but you never know.

In the mean time, wishing you and your family all the best. They have you which is great. You are not a single parent but as a single parent I can tell you that kids need one awesome parent. If they get two that's brilliant but they need one. Your kid(s) have got you (quite clearly an awesome parent). And they also have a loving but ineffectual dad with his own issues. So they are already ahead of the game.

His idea that killing himself would be helpful to his son in any way at all is so screwed up that it's not credible.

As a parent you can't wallow in deep and meaningful excuses like 'I sabotaged it because I don't deserve to have a child in a good school' or 'if I kill myself maybe they'd give him another chance'. The child's needs come first.

I'm really sorry OP, I'm speaking as someone with an ex who had suffered awful childhood abuse and had a lot of MH issues as a result, and that sounds to me like framing it in ways that get sympathy and support while shunting away responsibility. It's a nicer way for him to think about it, putting him in the victim in need of nurture role, than admitting he was lazy, lied to you and massively let down his son. Mine used to threaten suicide as a means to escape pressure or someone being justifiably annoyed or upset with them, I finally had to realise I couldn't be held responsible for keeping them alive by keeping them constantly happy and consequence free: they actually had some personal responsibility too. So long as we were together however, I was their excuse for not having to do anything for themselves about their issues.

Thanks for the update. I do think you should get this thread deleted too though.
I'm sorry to hear of your husbands mental state, but he's completely failing to take any responsibility for a situation he created, by lying. How does he justify the lying to you? The self sabotage doesn't make sense to me I'm afraid.
I'm sure your son will do well wherever he goes, he sounds well motivated & resilient . Good luck op.

Just wanted to say your DS sounds awesome - and you're a wonderful mum. No help to offer, I'm afraid, there's no obvious easy answer about your marriage.

YOUR updates about your husband's history and mental health issues are interesting. It sounds like he's emotionally stuck at rebellious teen and has pathological avoidance traits, probably as pp said to remain in control.

Basically, when you've procreated with someone who is enormously limited in parenting capacity you have to fill the gaps. If you choose to do that whilst remaining in the relationship you have to accept that resentment and anger will be part of your life. Personally, I found it easier to leave the limited parent and maintain full responsibility for my child and I am certainly less stressed and resentful now. You don't seem ready to do that but that means you must take full responsibility for anything like this as your husband simply cannot do it himself. You can't let your kids miss out again as you try to re parent your husband.

ADHD, even if present, is not the main issue.

I can't see anywhere in my post that excused the lies or suggested that ADHD is the main issue here. So I'm not sure why you're attacking me.

If the book helps the OP's DH and, as a result, those around him in the future, surely that's a good thing?

He might have ADHD but who cares.

I think the OP cares deeply about her DH. That is why she is so hurt.

Self sabotage? He didn't sabotage himself, he sabotaged his son. For god's sake don't let him make this into 'another chapter in the sad sad life of soso's poor dh'. It's not about him.

I have immense sympathy for people who have been through the awful things it sounds your dh has been through. But it is ridiculous to allow a dreadful past to forever excuse any and all inadequacies.

There's something of the glib about the responses of his you have shared. 'Self sabotaged'... 'kill myself'... Sure. Are you happy for this pattern to repeat over and over- he lets you and the dc down badly, you run around trying to fix it, he has a meltdown and threatens suicide and comes up with an excuse that makes it all about his suffering, you paper over it all and carry on until the next time? That's a sad future to look forward to. You'll be the eternal parent, he the eternal wounded child- and what's the role for your dc?

^THIS

Hi op

I agree with a previous poster, your dh zoning out to me is possibly disassociation , this is common in victims of trauma, throw in the memory blocks and it's also possibly PTSD.

There is a control element in his behaviour, and he is punishing himself and his sense of self worth
Is damaged, hence the self sabotage.

It's not your fault or the kids. But it seems like he could be incredibly damaged, with possible blocked out abuse in his past. He could really benefit from some intense therapy, but it could get worse before it gets better.

Once the crack in the damn is exposed. You can't shop what comes out 💐

I think that if the OP's husband was taken into care, it is likely that a very high degree of parental neglect was involved. This might be about a household where children were not fed, kept safe, kept warm or clothed. A mother and father may have been dependent on alcohol or street drugs and/or involved in crime. The child may have regularly witnessed violence and or abuse. He may have himself been on the receiving end of abuse.

For that child as an adult to deliver an application form is a fail in terms of middle class aspirational parenting.

However, if he contributes towards feeding, clothing and caring his children from a stable long term relationship, if he does not swear at them or hit them or touch them inappropriately, but shows affection to them, by the standards of people who have experienced long term abuse, he is actually doing pretty bloody well.

This doesn't mean the poster's situation is an easy one. But in the same way, that you wouldn't tell a woman who'd been - for example - raped repeatedly as a child - that it was time to put that all that behind her and woman up, I don't think you can assume that a man who has been damaged as a boy, can always succeed in putting the past behind him.

Which is undoubtedly going to make life difficult and stressful for that man's partner at times.

You are not the only woman I know/have come across who has a partner who has grown up in care who treats them like a recalcitrant teenager. I'm not sure what you get out of the relationship but I think it might be worth examining that too.

I am fairly certain (having witnessed the dynamic first hand) that you're not doing your children any favours.

OP -

as someone who has been in some very dark places due to formative experiences, I'm afraid I'm still with alltouchedout and pennysnow.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I do agree he is probably doing very well in the circumstances.

But talk of suicide moves things into another ball game. It leaves the OP in a hell of a situation - there is an implicit threat now whenever she piles too much pressure on him.

Which means that she has to carry or to mother him. Which has big implications for their relationship.

There -are- no easy answers here. Not for him, not for her. It's also very easy for outsiders to say he has to take responsibility for himself and massively harder to do in his shoes. But that is, in the end, what it comes down to.

I think that this needs to be a turning point for him and that he needs to get help and support to face some of the reasons why he can't pull his weight and to find the determination to change. Otherwise the OP is going to pour out her effort into her children and into him and .. she needs support too, and a true partner who can pull his weight in at least some areas of the reality of living together.

I suppose this is an odd one for me because

a) I've worked - as a volunteer - with survivors of abuse so have had contact with people who are doing amazingly well, but who also have eating disorders, and addiction problems, and who can't sustain relationships with anyone apart from a cat.

b) I've experienced abuse as a child

c) I know it affects the way I behave in my long term relationship and means that I am very hard work at times. It's also affected my career. Essentially although I've had a good education and am very able, the work I do is quite low paid and not hugely responsible. I don't deal well with the stress of being in organisations where managers put huge pressure on me. I'm easily bullied and I crumble.

but

d) my partner is extremely supportive and committed and understands how I've been scarred by the past. This has helped me to be a good parent and also has been instrumental in terms of turning my whole life round.

e) There have been points at which he could have gone off, with someone who made more money, or who didn't get depressed and angry and unhappy. But he hasn't done.

I'm really glad to read your update, you are a fantastic mum.

I have enormous sympathy for your DH for the traumatic background he has. If he hasn't already, he should take a look at Adult Children of Alcoholics, particularly the Laundry List.
www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List

My best friend is married to a man like this. His mum was an alcoholic and although he never saw her drinking (only found out in his 30s when she was hospitalised with liver failure) he still ticks many of the boxes on the list.

He is utterly disorganised and incompetent (and lies about not having done things) and she has spent most of their 25-year relationship effectively parenting him. For this reason, she has chosen not to have children as she knows she would effectively be a single parent.

He does have many good qualities - he is incredibly kind, generous and eager to help. She has anxiety, OCD and depression (long pre-dating the relationship) and he is her rock when she is feeling low.

In your case, you have DC whose needs you also need to consider. So an important consideration going forward is how you are going to prevent his incompetence and sabotaging tendencies from impacting on the children ever again.

That could look like him committing to a course of intensive therapy, and sticking with it. You take back all the responsibilities for now (which will be exhausting) and gradually hand stuff back to him when he and you feel he is ready.

It could also look like you separating, and you accepting that you deal with all the "difficult" stuff and leave him to only deal with the stuff you know he won't fuck up.

It's a very tough decision. I personally left a relationship like this because I was so sick of parenting my partner, but we didn't have DC.

You are clearly an excellent mum, and both your DD and DS sound amazing. I am sure they will thrive in whatever academic or family situation they end up in, because they have a very strong, supportive mum behind them

He let his son down, so he repairs the damage by... threatening to kill himself, making his son responsible.

So anytime he screws up again in the future, he threatens suicide - and you back down... accepting responsibility for his very life.

So you end up carrying him for the rest of your life.
And then pass the burden on to your children... for the rest of theirs.

You are doing so much better than I would

Well, if anyone is still reading it's been a crazy week and today they have confirmed that DS will be sitting the exam alongside his peers. I couldn't be happier that they changed their decision and DS is literally jumping for joy like a little puppy! This is the BEST DAY!

Thanks to everyone for all their kind support.

That's great! So happy for you

Fantastic news!

Wonderful news!

Great news.

Now tell your DH to get some proper help.