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Original poster

Update - missed Grammar School application

685 replies

sososocross · 13/09/2017 11:45

So many people have kindly sent pm and a couple of update threads have been started so I wanted to update.

Firstly I really want to thank you all for your help and kindness. I was in a state and without you all I would have lost the plot. You women rule 🏅

Update: They are not letting him do the test and I have told DS. I made the choice to tell him in a vague way and simply stated that something had gone wrong and his application had not been received. I will not lie to him if he asks for more details at a later date, but I couldn't take away his chosen school and his image of his dad in one cruel swoop.

He cried and asked me to sort it out, and I told him I had tried and couldn't. I told him my alternate plans and he relaxed. I also told him I would be coming home early 2x per week from here on, and we would work together on homework, extra study or whatever he chose. If he wants to register for the 12 or 13 plus I will do all I can to assist him. Then we watched guardians of the galaxy and had big cuddle up on the sofa.

So that's where we are.

I am sorry to those I irritated by deleting the thread, I was very worried about the daily mail and any come back. I hope you understand I was having a crisis and listed inappropriate details which could identify my son on the thread.

Please don't mention school details on this thread as I'd rather it all remain anonymous for his sake.

Thanks again for all the kindness, it meant the world to me.

OP posts:
CotswoldStrife · 14/09/2017 18:57

Do you think it is a good idea for him to speak to them? If he goes in threatening suicide it's not going to help really Hmm

How come this self sabotage only happens at home and not at work?

ChasedByBees · 14/09/2017 18:59

If self sabotage results in sabotaging his son's opportunities that is worrying. His son is not an extension of himself.

wheresmycat · 14/09/2017 19:01

OP he needs counselling-you can't be responsible/can't really help with this level of damage. It sounds like he shuts down/is paralysed by pressure. I've been following this thread and have been really cross with him-and obviously your DS is the priority-but your OH needs some help, and more than you can give him (even if you were inclined!).

TenForward82 · 14/09/2017 19:04

Self-sabotage my ass.

InsomniacAnonymous · 14/09/2017 19:04

He sabotaged his son, not himself. He knew how hard his son had been working for the chance of going to grammar school and took that chance away from him.

CamperVamp · 14/09/2017 19:04

SunSeptember The Head's views on Grammars have NOTHING to do with her professional approach to this because in admissions terms she has no role or influence whatsoever in the admission process. The state admissions system is governed by law. They cannot veer from their published process. A primary Head has no access to influence that process.

The only input a Head could have would be at appeal if a top performing pupil unexpectedly underperformed in tne exam. I think this happens in Grammar areas.

Soso was there and heard the nuance but it sounds like something a Head might say to try and reassure in the light of the lost opportunity.

PovertyJetset · 14/09/2017 19:04

GIven your latest updates I feel
Quite sorry for your DH and i am sure he has been through some awful shit. Stuff he can't articulate.

My dear old dad was abused and dragged up by a violent alcoholic dad and no mum. He had the most awful childhood and as much as he tried to be a good dad and family man some of that trauma trickled down into the way he was with us.

I'm not going to go into that, but it was only as an adult that I kind of cut him some slack as his behaviours were clearly scars of a fucked up early life.

It's not an easy road for you now, but he doesn't sound like a bad man to me.

lalalalyra · 14/09/2017 19:04

*Ah really I would love to know what on her personal views on this have to do with her professional stance on enabling her pupil to get the best education open to him and do his parents bidding as well.

Then people say " oh but its not fair fsm meals cant get in..."

No they cant because they are hobbled by teachers and heads who allow their personal political views to influence how they run a school and its disgusting*

I doubt the OP truly knows what the HT thinks of the grammar school.

The OP had just told the HT that her DH had fucked up massively and their DS wasn't going to get the chance to even try. The HT was never going to say "Oh that's a shame, I think that would have been the very best thing for him..."

peekyboo · 14/09/2017 19:13

OP I feel for you, and I'm sorry your DH had a crappy childhood, but after everything he's done and not done most of the talk with him seems to come across as ' Because Reason'.

Damaged or not, some people are pathologically good at excusing themselves from blame in the end because of whatever reason.

He didn't self-sabotage, he sabotaged his able and gifted child.

annielouise · 14/09/2017 19:15

I'm sorry to hear this SoSo. How awful you had to tell your DS and for him to feel upset. I understand how you can't make his dad look bad to him - for your DS's sake not your DH's.

I think if you're going to stay with him you'll have to accept he's not your equal in terms of perhaps intelligence, reliability, conscientiousness, ambition, mental strength. It's whether you can accept that he's weaker and live with it. You're clearly all of these things and perhaps have taken up his slack as you're a doer, so he's rested on his laurels. It's a weighing up situation. What does he bring to the relationship? Maybe it'll be a case of soldiering on until the kids have left home. I wish you well. You must be so drained.

Thiscantreallybehappening · 14/09/2017 19:19

OP, I didn't contribute to your first thread as you had so much good advice there was nothing I could add but I did follow it.

Firstly, you have dealt with this really difficult situation brilliantly.

Secondly, your decision on showing your DS you can reach your goal at any school is a good one. This may help - years ago when my DS1 was at the 11 plus age, a friend of his who was very academic and extremely bright took the 11plus and passed. He was offered a place at our local grammar school which is rated as one of the best in the country and places are very much sought after. He didn't want to take the place at the grammar, he wanted to go to the local comprehensive with his friends. After much deliberating, his parents decided to let him go to the local comprehensive with his friends. He excelled at all his studies and left school with A* in every subject, he then took more A levels then his friends and got straight A's, went to an Oxbridge University and is now excelling in his chosen profession. He is still in touch with all his friends and they meet up regularly. You are right, with support you can achieve your goals. Flowers

Original poster
sososocross · 14/09/2017 19:23

DJ I didn't explain that properly. He and all his siblings were in and out of care sytem and he lost touch with 3 of them and went NC with the other 2. About 5 years ago we were watching the local news and a hald sibling popped up on news guilty of a serious violent crime against women. DH was seriously ill for a few weeks and had to involve crisis team.

He has very bad impulses, can be very selfish and feels extremely sorry for himself sometimes. He needs to work on it and move forward.

OP posts:
Amaretti40 · 14/09/2017 19:27

Now that you've had that discussion, I think your DH needs to shift focus from how bad he is feeling to what he can actually do to sort this out. Do not let him go into the Grammar School. A deadline is a deadline. Selective schools are always over-subscribed and every year have to turn away very able children who have "passed" and could otherwise thrive in the school if there were more places. But places are fixed and so are deadlines - all schools are the same.
Instead he needs to be researching bursary / scholarship schemes at your local independents.
This grammar is just one school. There will be other academic schools around you (possibly far better).
My son goes to a so-called top London independent school and about 15-20% are on bursaries there. And this school has over 1300 applicants for 180 places going into year 7. If you miss the deadline, they don't give a hoot because they can hardly process the applications they have. They just want the top performers and if they need a bursary to attend, so be it.
Are there any such options in your area.

Original poster
sososocross · 14/09/2017 19:29

I want DS to go to the Sports Academy and have signed him up for their assessment. DS is keen and motivated, one of his coaches works there and it's not too far away :)

OP posts:
CamperVamp · 14/09/2017 19:35

Of course explore all the options.

But bright hardworking kids do come out of comprehensive schools with with a galaxy of A*s all the time. I know, my Dc just did it, and certainly wasn't tne odd one out, or the highest achiever.

The uniform tends to be cheaper, tooWink

I'm not saying it's ok that it's happened, but it will probably be OK in the end, whether he goes to a Comp / specialist academy / independent.

CamperVamp · 14/09/2017 19:36

The Sports Academy sounds great!

Amaretti40 · 14/09/2017 19:40

The sports academy sounds great. Maybe he'll have the time if his life there and I bet he'll come out with the same grades as he would have done anywhere else. The most important thing is the friends they make - and this you cannot predict! Not all areas have good state options. It's fantastic if you do though.

number1wang · 14/09/2017 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MonkeyJumping · 14/09/2017 19:46

Just thinking about privacy ..... are you sure your DH is comfortable with you disclosing facts about his family and mental health? Bear in mind this thread has got a lot of attention. The school in question obviously knows who your family is and it's likely other people in the area will....

mogulfield · 14/09/2017 19:47

soso it's good you're all moving forward but your DH is responsible for his behaviour over the past week.
I grew up in difficult circumstances but we are always responsible for our actions (unless in the grip of a serious mental illness e.g. Psychosis).
He still comes across as emotionally blackmailing to me, but at least he has an appointment to try and sort things.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/09/2017 19:48

soso
He sounds very damaged by his experiences and just shuts down as a protection mechanism. He may not have an explanation for why he didn't do it because he doesn't really know himself. However, I think he has to show a willingness to work on his problems. His mental health may be fragile so it might be a slow process but he needs to move forward from this situation. He needs structured long term help.

I am glad your DS is interested in going to the Sports Academy, that gives him something to look forward to.

kaitlinktm · 14/09/2017 19:53

So sorry about all this OP.

If it's any consolation (probably not) both my DS went to grammar school and now, in their 30s, are certainly no better off in terms of career or personal lives than their friends who went to the local high school. In fact they are considerably worse off than a good number of them.

My youngest was bullied nearly all the way through, and because it was a sought-after school where most kids were relatively well-behaved because parents didn't want their kids to risk being excluded, they didn't tackle it - didn't seem to know how - and this has stayed with him into adulthood.

The aspects that we thought would be better were a disappointment - I sometimes wish we hadn't put them in for the 11+ now, and certainly my younger DS still blames me for this decision.

We do our best for our DC with what we have at the time - I think with his work ethic and his Mum behind him, your DS will come up trumps.

quercuscircus · 14/09/2017 20:32

Sorry you are living in this turmoil OP.

From what you have said it seems that your DH is very traumatised and damaged and it is really so sad (for you all as you all live with it now). I would suggest that he needs some therapy that specialises in working with childhood trauma - this is not your average counselling.

I think it would be worth trying to find a real specialist to help him - not that you should necessarily be lumbered with doing all the looking, but if he is very unwell and zoning out, then he might quite justifiably need some help with it. After that he just needs to go with it. Hopefully this will be his turning point and can seize the opportunity to find help to heal and change. I really hope so for all your sakes. It is not easy but it can definitely happen.

Re the application; if you want to keep the options open, I would also think that with your DH's history of serious mental ill health, there could be a case made for exceptional circumstances in that he was hiding his current symptoms from you due to his ill health and it (obviously) seriously affected his judgement. That would be the truth as I see it. As you say his thinking is very affected. You weren't to know the extent nor the form it would take :(

I think it is a good sign that he wants to talk to the school - whether or not it changes anything, at least it sounds like he is taking responsibility. Time will tell and I don't blame you for being cautious, who wouldn't be. My fingers are crossed for you that some good can come of this awful time.

It is great that your DS is keen on the sports academy. You've done so well to help him stay resilient and adaptable. I really admire you. I hope you have someone in RL too to talk so you don't burn out from all of this.

I hope you can all find some answers and some peace OP. Take care x

Talith · 14/09/2017 20:54

You've done so well X. I loved and do love my X very much but we can't be together because of flashpoints not dissimilar to those you describe. We have separated and parent lovingly and still are good supportive friends. Not claiming that separating is easy but everything is more predictable as a result and so I just wanted to reassure that you can love someone but not want to be married to them any more.

GoingTo · 14/09/2017 21:20

What MonkeyJumping says re. privacy.

I think as a family you need to draw a line under it and move forward in whatever way you decide.

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