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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go on holiday with my daughter

158 replies

Tallysan · 12/09/2017 12:00

DD 18 started her first full time job a few months ago. She told me recently that she and her boyfriend of 2 years are planning on going on holiday next June to Greece.

It made me think how much I'd like to go on holiday and I said I thought it was a great idea and wished I could afford to do that. I last went on holiday for a week in the south of France about 2 years ago with DP, while DD1 (then 16, nearly 17) and her boyfriend looked after DD2 (then 8) alongside a couple of nights at their dad's. DD and her boyfriend are both very responsible and her dad was on hand.

Anyway I've always wanted to go to Greece. DD saw how much I'd like to go and offered to pay for the flights for me, DD2 and DP to come for the first week of their fortnight away. There is space in the apartment they are planning to book and she has also said she will rent a bigger car the first week. Flights aren't on sale yet I don't think but it's only Easyjet or Ryanair so not hugely expensive. She has said we will just need spending money. I very gratefully said yes.

I was telling my friend what a good girl DD is and how generous, but my friend started saying she thinks it's not fair for DD to spend her money on us and that I am hijacking her first time abroad being independent. She was especially put out by the fact that DD intends to put part of the cost on a credit card with an initial 0% offer because I'm encouraging debt?! I don't think this matters as she can afford to pay it off in time though of course it will be a little more now. My friend also then suddenly hit me with all this stuff about how she thinks I shouldn't take money off DD at all (she gives me money every week and has since her first job at 16). I was just really shocked how she started saying all this stuff out of the blue!! I don't think it's unreasonable to take DD up on her offer, we've always been on benefits and struggled and now she is earning some money it's nice for us all to benefit. But now I'm wondering if I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Tallysan · 13/09/2017 07:08

Grief I changed the destination in an attempt to not be too outing. It wasn't Greece but a similar Mediterranean destination. I also didn't do the actual driving as it was too expensive for both of us to pay the young driver surcharge and my partner is slightly older than me. Smile

OP posts:
hardhatfirmlyon · 13/09/2017 07:48

Also grief I think if you actually RTFT you might be slightly missing the point? (you aren''t alone in that however - since the OP explained it was a reverse, an hour after she originally posted. Also mentioning that it happened some time ago and she is actually the daughter the conversation has moved on...however 15 or so posters still responding entirely to the OP without any interest in anyone elses replies or the fact the thread may have changed or evolved). Gah!!

hardhatfirmlyon · 13/09/2017 07:49

Very patient and sweet reply to your post though grief from the OP, apologies, the whole RTFT thing clearly a personal bugbear!

Chunkymonkey123 · 13/09/2017 08:12

I'm sorry that this is how your DM treated you and I'm pleased you are sorting yourself out financially now.💐

I dwell on things a lot so I'm not great for advice but you can only change the future and not the past.
For whatever reason your mum thought she was in the right and is unlikely to change her mind now. Hopefully with your support your sister will realise sooner rather than later.

If you are 25 now you still have time to turn your credit rating around and get a mortgage in the future. There is loads of advice on www.moneysavingexpert.com
That you could use to help your credit rating.

CamperVamp · 13/09/2017 08:25

I am not exactly sure who is who but It is especially bad that the mother expects the 18 year old to pay for her partner. Why should an 18 yo pay for her Mum's boyfriend?

The Mum owes the Dd big time, for leaving her with her sister for a week, and sounds thoroughly selfish.

The Dd could do some reading about toxic, manipulative, guilt tripping parents.

Good luck to the Dd , I hope she enjoys her holiday with her boyfriend.

RhiWrites · 13/09/2017 09:22

OP try r/raisedbynarcissists on Reddit and see if anything there rings a bell. I think you've been taken advantage of a lot. It sounds as though you've been unlearning some behaviours. I think this might help you find others who've gone through the same thing.

NikiBabe · 13/09/2017 12:28

Oh and I used to keep getting told when she stopped getting benefits for me after A levels that she wasnt obliged to keep me anymore.

Where was i supposed to go?

Benefits stop so her parental responsibility does? Nice.

WomanUndercover · 14/09/2017 10:34

Op and Niki, this is absolutely outrageous and unacceptable behaviour from your families.

I have a touch of that in my own family. The lazy/spendthrift members of my family speak about my earnings like they fell randomly out of the sky and I'm morally obliged to share this good fortune with my family. There is no appreciation that I earned them through my own hard work.

However, at least they are not my parents. My parents would never do this.

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