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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on holiday with my daughter

158 replies

Tallysan · 12/09/2017 12:00

DD 18 started her first full time job a few months ago. She told me recently that she and her boyfriend of 2 years are planning on going on holiday next June to Greece.

It made me think how much I'd like to go on holiday and I said I thought it was a great idea and wished I could afford to do that. I last went on holiday for a week in the south of France about 2 years ago with DP, while DD1 (then 16, nearly 17) and her boyfriend looked after DD2 (then 8) alongside a couple of nights at their dad's. DD and her boyfriend are both very responsible and her dad was on hand.

Anyway I've always wanted to go to Greece. DD saw how much I'd like to go and offered to pay for the flights for me, DD2 and DP to come for the first week of their fortnight away. There is space in the apartment they are planning to book and she has also said she will rent a bigger car the first week. Flights aren't on sale yet I don't think but it's only Easyjet or Ryanair so not hugely expensive. She has said we will just need spending money. I very gratefully said yes.

I was telling my friend what a good girl DD is and how generous, but my friend started saying she thinks it's not fair for DD to spend her money on us and that I am hijacking her first time abroad being independent. She was especially put out by the fact that DD intends to put part of the cost on a credit card with an initial 0% offer because I'm encouraging debt?! I don't think this matters as she can afford to pay it off in time though of course it will be a little more now. My friend also then suddenly hit me with all this stuff about how she thinks I shouldn't take money off DD at all (she gives me money every week and has since her first job at 16). I was just really shocked how she started saying all this stuff out of the blue!! I don't think it's unreasonable to take DD up on her offer, we've always been on benefits and struggled and now she is earning some money it's nice for us all to benefit. But now I'm wondering if I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Flossy1978 · 12/09/2017 12:22

Umm. Did anyone miss the bit where sge said "we've always been in benefits, so its good she has a job and we can all benefit from it".

WTF? Did I misread that?

Why on earth should you be benefitting off your daughter having a job? Paying board to help cover her costs at home is decent and the right thing to do, but you sound entitled.

And you think it is okey she puts the holiday on a credit card.

Your daughter is 18! Grow up and pay for your own holidays! Too bad if you haven't had one in two years.

Not to mention basically manipulating your daughter into getting her to bring you on her holiday.

What a peach you sound like.

Your poor daughter.

SisterMoonshine · 12/09/2017 12:23

Nice gesture, but don't let her do it. Next there's xmas etc etc
No wonder your friend spoke up - I would think less if you too.

User323296969 · 12/09/2017 12:23

Are you sure the flights "won't be hugely expensive"? Depends where in Greece, but I was looking last night and two adult flights to some Islands on some weeks were coming out at £445 per adult. A bigger car can be exponentially more expensive - hundreds of £ different. You could quite easily cost your daughter upwards of £1000 on a credit card.

No way would I accept this. She's a lovely girl,but you sound a bit financially naive. You should not be encouraging debt.

SisterMoonshine · 12/09/2017 12:24

Oh bloody hell, I missed the benefits sentence too.
I wish I hadn't posted now.

purplecorkheart · 12/09/2017 12:24

Your daughter sounds lovely. I do think you have guilt her into tagging along on her holiday. I don't think you should go. Sorry

MorrisZapp · 12/09/2017 12:25

Pa ha ha ha ha ha

Good one

Mulberry72 · 12/09/2017 12:25

I agree with your friend, I'm sorry.

Your DD shouldn't be paying on a credit card for your holiday, 0% interest rate or not!

DancesWithOtters · 12/09/2017 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RachelP247 · 12/09/2017 12:26

Why would you want to gatecrash your daughter's first independent holiday with her boyfriend???

And yep, stop being so grabby, let her enjoy her money.

RhubardGin · 12/09/2017 12:26

Hang on....

You're on benefits but still expect your DD to give you money towards the house...do YOU pay your own rent and bills?

If not, taking money off your DD to subsidise your lazy lifestyle is just the norm?

Ilovecoleslaw · 12/09/2017 12:26

YABU. No holiday is worth getting into debt over.
now she is earning some money it's nice for us all to benefit
That is ridiculous. You're the parent not her. Why on earth should you benefit from her working?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 12/09/2017 12:26

You can't gatecrash her and boyfriends holiday!

You have guilt tripped her into it Shock

OnionKnight · 12/09/2017 12:27

Stop sponging off your daughter.

SisterMoonshine · 12/09/2017 12:28

I think my eyes were sooo massive by that last paragraph, that's how I missed it Grin

justanotheryoungmother · 12/09/2017 12:28

I'm sorry but I think YABU.

She seems lovely but you're being very unfair to consider gatecrashing her and her boyfriends holiday- that's BEFORE you said she was paying for it. Are you serious?? A credit card?? That's so unfair to put onto your DD. Do the decent thing and don't go.

Therealjudgejudy · 12/09/2017 12:28

God you sound like an entitled piece of work. You want to go to Greece pay for it yourself. What mother in her right mind would let their 18 yr old get into debt so they could have a free holiday???

OnionKnight · 12/09/2017 12:29

Oh and if I was the BF I'd have a few choice words for you.

notarehearsal · 12/09/2017 12:29

I find it really difficult to hear a parent considering taking from a child. It's just not right unless said child is well established in their adult life and can clearly afford it
Parents are there to help children, not the other way around

lunar1 · 12/09/2017 12:29

YABU, you would put your dd into debt because you guilt tripped her.

dinosaursandtea · 12/09/2017 12:30

"Now she's earning it's nice for us all to benefit."

What a truly horrible attitude. Your daughter is working full time, and this is her opportunity to start saving and living her own life. It sounds like you don't like this at all - what happens when she inevitably moves out? Will you still expect her to subsidise you? And I think it's incredibly sad that she was giving you money from the time she was 16 - that's when you're supposed to be providing for her, not the other way around. By all means, have her use it for spending or saving money, but that was far too young to contribute to the household. And how lovely that you got a nice foreign holiday while she was babysitting her sister.

It would be lovely for you to all go away together, but you can't afford it. Don't let your daughter get into bad spending habits now - she's young, she has a clean slate and it's going to be hard enough for her to make her way in the world without you dragging her down. You sound very financially co-dependent, but it's your job to cut those ties right now. It's clear you're stretched money-wise, but you should be doing all you can to make sure that she gets the opportunity to have a better life, not be constantly bailing out her family or getting into debt over frivolous things.

Mulberry72 · 12/09/2017 12:30

I've just read the benefits sentence.

Your DD should be putting her money she'd use paying for your holiday towards a deposit on a new place so she can get away from you leeching off her!

Aintgotnosoapbox · 12/09/2017 12:30

I think this is very bizarre. If you can't afford the holiday, don't go.
To put things in perspective, we pay for our children's holidays if they come with us, ie the other way round. I just don't think it's right. I don't want to judge your lifestyle as obviously you may be disabled, but why can't you work.

Witsender · 12/09/2017 12:30

She sounds lovely, but you are being massively unreasonable.

stitchglitched · 12/09/2017 12:31

In the unlikely event that this is real, YAB massively U. Butt out of her holiday and don't let her get into debt for you. If you want to go to Greece so badly save up or get your own credit card. Same for your DP.

fleshmarketclose · 12/09/2017 12:31

YWBU to allow your dd to pay for you to go on holiday. Why on earth would you think her bf would want to share a villa with her dm, dm's partner and her sibling? You sound like you have guilt tripped her into this and it isn't fair. If you can't afford to pay for your own holiday independently of your dd then you either don't go or find a way to fund it yourself IMO.