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Original poster

To go on holiday with my daughter

158 replies

Tallysan · 12/09/2017 12:00

DD 18 started her first full time job a few months ago. She told me recently that she and her boyfriend of 2 years are planning on going on holiday next June to Greece.

It made me think how much I'd like to go on holiday and I said I thought it was a great idea and wished I could afford to do that. I last went on holiday for a week in the south of France about 2 years ago with DP, while DD1 (then 16, nearly 17) and her boyfriend looked after DD2 (then 8) alongside a couple of nights at their dad's. DD and her boyfriend are both very responsible and her dad was on hand.

Anyway I've always wanted to go to Greece. DD saw how much I'd like to go and offered to pay for the flights for me, DD2 and DP to come for the first week of their fortnight away. There is space in the apartment they are planning to book and she has also said she will rent a bigger car the first week. Flights aren't on sale yet I don't think but it's only Easyjet or Ryanair so not hugely expensive. She has said we will just need spending money. I very gratefully said yes.

I was telling my friend what a good girl DD is and how generous, but my friend started saying she thinks it's not fair for DD to spend her money on us and that I am hijacking her first time abroad being independent. She was especially put out by the fact that DD intends to put part of the cost on a credit card with an initial 0% offer because I'm encouraging debt?! I don't think this matters as she can afford to pay it off in time though of course it will be a little more now. My friend also then suddenly hit me with all this stuff about how she thinks I shouldn't take money off DD at all (she gives me money every week and has since her first job at 16). I was just really shocked how she started saying all this stuff out of the blue!! I don't think it's unreasonable to take DD up on her offer, we've always been on benefits and struggled and now she is earning some money it's nice for us all to benefit. But now I'm wondering if I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Ttbb · 12/09/2017 13:22

Your daughter absolutely should leave not be going into debt for a holiday. You are setting a teeeuble example to her.

Witsender · 12/09/2017 13:22

I'm assuming you're the mum and trying to figure out what to do with a kind offer from your daughter. In which case i would say pat yourself on the back for having raised a lovely child, say thank you very much, but no thanks. And suggest that you save and go with her the next time.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 12/09/2017 13:23

we've always been on benefits and struggled and now she is earning some money it's nice for us all to benefit

Shock

This has got to be a pisstake

ShellyBoobs · 12/09/2017 13:25

FFS Angry

HouseworkIsASin10 · 12/09/2017 13:26

So are you the daughter or the friend?

Hate a reverse Biscuit

Original poster
Tallysan · 12/09/2017 13:29

we've always been on benefits and struggled and now she is earning some money it's nice for us all to benefit

This is probably unfair as I can't be inside her head to know she thinks that. I am basing it on her attitude and comments such as 'families are there to help each other out' (despite the financial help being one way) and pointedly saying 'I haven't gone on holiday much over the years as a single mum' and her behaviour - taking money from a young age from daughter, her preparedness to accept the holiday offer, letting her daughter pay for car repairs on aforementioned credit card etc. I suppose she doesn't consciously think that though I'm not sure how else she justifies it.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 12/09/2017 13:29

I'm guessing your the daughter there as no need for a reverse, you would have gotten the same answers as you already have.

NikiBabe · 12/09/2017 13:32

So you are the Daughter? Paying for car repairs on credit cards for the mother?!

What exactly has she even bought or given you?

RideOn · 12/09/2017 13:33

Thanks for explaining it is a reverse, which makes a bit more sense in how you have written it.

However my opinion when I first read it is

  • hijacking the holiday ?maybe, but daughter can decide if she wants to go, if keen for her family to come too, that is ok
  • mum went to south of france and didnt bring daughter with her that time - so why should daughter bring her this time
  • DO NOT let daughter pay for flights (unless, maybe maybe she has won lottery and this is only a small fraction on money and she insists) the idea of letting her take money out on credit card makes me feel sick - that is absolutely unfair on her - mum being very unreasonable
  • weekly money if she is earning, towards household upkeep is fine/fair

Hope you dont get into any debt (whatever the interest rate) over this and you sort it on friendly terms. There are additional holiday costs and if your family cant afford it, its a shame but not an essential or your job to pay (I didnt do abroad this year, nor did my DC, DH, parents, or 2 of my brothers (1other sibling did a weekend to europe), not everyone goes abroad)

Original poster
Tallysan · 12/09/2017 13:33

Also I am the daughter and this is something that happened.

I don't know why I reversed other than feeling a bit silly to still be mulling over something that's in the past now. I am sorry to piss people off I should have just written it properly first time. The friend bit is semi correct - it's a friend who thought this was bad.

I also feel guilty for posting at all now really. Can I be forgiven since I'm clearly just a bit of an incompetent mess Confused

OP posts:
MoonfaceAndSilky · 12/09/2017 13:33

So you are the daughter? Well in the kindest possible way I'd tell her to do one Grin

Ladycremer · 12/09/2017 13:34

Did anyone miss this section.....

he was especially put out by the fact that DD intends to put part of the cost on a credit card with an initial 0% offer because I'm encouraging debt?! I don't think this matters as she can afford to pay it off in time though of course it will be a little more now.

Seriously.

SwimmingInLemonade · 12/09/2017 13:34

Reverses are slightly annoying but not as annoying as all the posters who say "this must be a reverse" on every single thread...

HouseworkIsASin10 · 12/09/2017 13:36

You need to switch off from her emotional blackmail.

She will really take advantage of you. Any decent DM would want the best for her daughter and not to try and guilt trip you.

Start standing up to her and don't fall for her sob stories.

CoolCarrie · 12/09/2017 13:37

Are you the daughter or the friend?
If you are the daughter, don't take your family on holiday with you, go with your partner and have a great time, don't feel guilty about not taking them along, you, and your boyfriend, deserve to have a holiday without going into debt to give them a freebie.
If you are the friend, then it's good that you pointed out how unfair the mother is being to her daughter, she needs to hear it, as the daughter sounds very kind, but can't see what her mother is doing.

CoolCarrie · 12/09/2017 13:38

Don't beat your self up about this. You did a kind thing, but don't let her take advantage of your kindness any further.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 12/09/2017 13:40

Oh and don't feel guilty about posting.

Your 'D'M is a bum. You don't treat your kids like a cash cow.

Birdsgottafly · 12/09/2017 13:40

OP, before your update, I was going to post about the Fear Obligation Guilt scenario, in answer to the few posters who said that it was a lovely gesture.

You are starting to re-think events, so is this still something that you are struggling with and want to end?

Underthemoonlight · 12/09/2017 13:41

If this is in the past you need to ask yourself why you are still mulling over this? Does your dm still expect you to fund her lifestyle? If so you need to be honest and put your foot down.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2017 13:42

You're not an incompetent mess. You did a kind thing for your mother. Rather misguided though. Time to be the adult and look after adult you and expect your mum to do the same.

Member652554 · 12/09/2017 13:42

You want your child to pay for luxuries she can't afford? A holiday is not a necessity And the fact she has to put it on credit card shows you she hasn't actually got the money. How can expect her to spend money she hasn't got ?

I also find it odd you would expect your 16 year old to babysit your 8 year old so while you are in another country? Why wasn't the child under the care of the father or another responsible adult?

I am not saying Your children shouldn't contribute to the household btw. Just not take on debt and responsibilities beyond their capacity.
You sound very self absorbed

becotide · 12/09/2017 13:42

Ahhh you're the daughter

She manipulated you, love. I understand why you did the reverse, you wanted to know the thought process behind such manipulative behaviour. We can't help you with that but everyone has told you she did a bad thing, a wrong thing, and a selfish thing. It's ok to be very angry with her for that. She might not like you being angry but as demonstrated she isn't a reasonable person anyway so her opinion doesn't count.

You were 18, kind, and vulnerable. I'd have said the same regardless, and did, upthread.

Justmuddlingalong · 12/09/2017 13:44

Is the holiday booked or has it already happened?

TheHobbitMum · 12/09/2017 13:45

Sorry I also agree with your friend, I couldn't enjoy a holiday knowing someone else had put my costs on a credit card :( I doubt DD, BF would want his MIL coming on holiday either. Save up and go on your own?

dinkystinky · 12/09/2017 13:56

Tallysan - you sound like a lovely daughter. But there was no bloody way your mum should have been crashing your first holiday abroad that you had worked hard to pay for - and absolutely no way you should have incurred debt for that.

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