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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on holiday with my daughter

158 replies

Tallysan · 12/09/2017 12:00

DD 18 started her first full time job a few months ago. She told me recently that she and her boyfriend of 2 years are planning on going on holiday next June to Greece.

It made me think how much I'd like to go on holiday and I said I thought it was a great idea and wished I could afford to do that. I last went on holiday for a week in the south of France about 2 years ago with DP, while DD1 (then 16, nearly 17) and her boyfriend looked after DD2 (then 8) alongside a couple of nights at their dad's. DD and her boyfriend are both very responsible and her dad was on hand.

Anyway I've always wanted to go to Greece. DD saw how much I'd like to go and offered to pay for the flights for me, DD2 and DP to come for the first week of their fortnight away. There is space in the apartment they are planning to book and she has also said she will rent a bigger car the first week. Flights aren't on sale yet I don't think but it's only Easyjet or Ryanair so not hugely expensive. She has said we will just need spending money. I very gratefully said yes.

I was telling my friend what a good girl DD is and how generous, but my friend started saying she thinks it's not fair for DD to spend her money on us and that I am hijacking her first time abroad being independent. She was especially put out by the fact that DD intends to put part of the cost on a credit card with an initial 0% offer because I'm encouraging debt?! I don't think this matters as she can afford to pay it off in time though of course it will be a little more now. My friend also then suddenly hit me with all this stuff about how she thinks I shouldn't take money off DD at all (she gives me money every week and has since her first job at 16). I was just really shocked how she started saying all this stuff out of the blue!! I don't think it's unreasonable to take DD up on her offer, we've always been on benefits and struggled and now she is earning some money it's nice for us all to benefit. But now I'm wondering if I'm wrong.

OP posts:
hardhatfirmlyon · 12/09/2017 14:50

Yep - reverses frowned upon, mainly because they are fucking confusing!

However they do flush out the ENDLESS amount of people who do't RTFT then the thread becomes an unreadable mess of people who are actually following/communicating and commenting on what is actually evolving during this online conversation (which is fine)....and a bunch of people who can't be arsed/stroll in presuming their nugget of wisdom is so original and insightful that no-one in the past 27 pages will have thought of it...and so it goes on .

Does sound as if your Mum is a massive pisstaker, don't let her get to you and well done on making your own way in life OP.

Coconutspongexo · 12/09/2017 15:04
Hmm
GotToGetMyFingerOut · 12/09/2017 15:10

Reverses don't bother me at all.

Op, are you still being emotionally manipulated into financially funding things for your mum?

MrEBear · 12/09/2017 15:14

I'd think your mum is a p-taker and I doubt that it's stopped with the holiday. Dig money seems reasonable but paying for holidays is totally unreasonable esp when you couldn't really afford it either without getting into debt.

What did your boyfriend think about his holiday being gatrcrashed?

Quartz2208 · 12/09/2017 15:16

Where are you now with her? (I take it its awhile ago). Yes she was being unreasonable with the holiday and with making you look after the 8 year old.

I think in this instance I can understand the reverse, it sounds like you are trying to get in her head and work out why she did/does what she did to you and I think that is common when coming out of the FOG and starting to reevaluate and rethink past situations.

What is your relationship like with her and your sister now?

Mittens1969 · 12/09/2017 16:06

YABU, massively. For starters, I would never want my DDs to get into debt so that I can have a holiday in the sun. And I absolutely hate that last sentence about being on benefits and wanting to take advantage of the fact that your DD is earning and trying to make something of herself.

And she and her bf should be able to have this time on their own, so this is all wrong. (Though I suspect the thread is fake anyway.)

Justmuddlingalong · 12/09/2017 16:08

THIS IS A REVERSE and the thread has moved on from the original post.

Mittens1969 · 12/09/2017 16:10

Yes I've seen that now, that will teach me to RTFT!!!

peachybeachy · 12/09/2017 16:26

I think it's great that you're all able to get along enough to invite each other in holiday. Honestly I'm envious.BUT hell would freeze over before I pay for luxury item on a credit card.

Original poster
Tallysan · 12/09/2017 19:57

Thanks for the understanding replies. I was feeling a bit of an idiot and wishing I hadn't posted, but feel a bit better now.

You're right I'm kind of looking back at things now especially now I have my own children. I did accumulate a lot of debt in part due to the holiday and the car repairs but a lot due to 18/19 year old stupidity. I am sad this was encouraged rather than discouraged. I will always encourage my children to save and am already saving for them myself.

I continued giving money even after I wasn't at home anymore until about 3 years ago, ever larger sums. Which I guess might have contributed to my reckless use of credit as I didn't have my own money despite always, always working even when I was studying. I now have a managed plan to pay off the debt but it will be a long while yet.

I suppose I feel a bit bitter, I've always been ashamed that I managed money so badly but my friend made me think perhaps I was set up to fail. There's was definitely a sense of what's yours is mine, and vice versa but of course financially there was nothing to give for it to really be vice versa.

There has never been an apology and I'm not sure how she feels about it all or what she thinks. So it's unresolved. I don't think raising it would bring any good though, the main thing is it isn't happening anymore.

There's a ton of other unspoken things from childhood, which is probably obvious. For some reason the money thing is just what's playing on my mind at the moment. I guess because it's tight for us at the moment, and also because my shit credit would make a mortgage very difficult meaning I have to rent. I just feel resentful I suppose but we have an outwardly good relationship.

I think I feel like I've been had for a mug by my own mother. Which is a bitter pill.

OP posts:
Piratesandpants · 12/09/2017 20:11

So what did your boyfriend say when you invited your mum along? (You owe us that for giving us a reverse!)

NikiBabe · 12/09/2017 20:25

That's the problem with families who exist on benefits alone. Not being nasty I was from such a family. They rely on income support, child benefit, etc and when the children grow up and the benefits stop they want the gap filled.

I remember doing my alevels and my mum losing her shit that she was about to lose all her benefits for me and what was she supposed to do. I felt so guilty but it wasnt my fault she didnt have any money.

When I got my student loan i gave her some of it. She charged me commercial rates in rent as soon as i had anything to take.

She places orders for expensive presents off me at christmas etc. My sister is the same. My sister doesn't work and her husband is stingy with money so she also looks at me like I'm a walking ATM.

I got in debt buying them stuff and when i buy myself anything I am selfish.

I feel for you OP.

Original poster
Tallysan · 12/09/2017 20:32

Well at the time he said nothing and was perfectly nice despite my mother's partner being grumpy and disengaged throughout, complaining it was too hot etc. Now, 7 years later we are still together (every cloud I guess!) and he admits he thought it was very weird and he felt a bit put out. I was blissfully unaware at the time as I thought all this was normal and signified how thoughtful and kind (read: under the thumb) I was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tallysan · 12/09/2017 20:41

Exactly Niki! I also tended to buy the big gifts for my sister etc and I have only had small cheap gifts (or none at all) since about 14.

My younger sister is now finishing studies meaning benefits are reducing. My mother expects her to give over 60% of her current earnings to make up for it so she is looking for job with more hours - although I've no doubt that if her earnings go up how much she has to pay will too. Poor girl is only 18 and it doesn't matter what I say, she's firmly treading my path.

My mother actually asked my opinion on the amount she was asking for and I told her I thought it was too much. As my role is to agree and be supportive she was very put out at this and kept re-explaining how much her benefits would go down.

Even more annoying I know she thinks my DP is spoilt as his parents help us out from time to time but I recently discovered her parents regularly give her money...!

I also once took a ticket on her behalf when she was caught when borrowing my car. I mean seriously? I'd never ask my kids to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tallysan · 12/09/2017 20:42

I meant to say Niki I'm sorry you are in the same situation. Are you able to step back at all?

OP posts:
abigailgabble · 12/09/2017 20:45

Shock absolutely cannot believe you would let your daughter incur that kind of debt to take you on her holiday.

just Shock

abigailgabble · 12/09/2017 20:46

if it's ok for her to pay for it even though she can't afford it then why isn't it you getting a credit card and you being the one who can't afford it

seriously Shock

Branleuse · 12/09/2017 20:50

Rtft

NikiBabe · 12/09/2017 21:07

I meant to say Niki I'm sorry you are in the same situation. Are you able to step back at all?

I am now, yes. They all took me for a ride at Christmas last year and last year so I am refusing to do Christmas this year. No one is getting anything. The bank is
closed.

My sister gives me rubbish cheap presents and Id rather be given nothing.

We were supposed to go halves on mums xmas present last year. She agreed and i have the text proving it. She then refused to pay after the gift had been given. So I shall remind her of that this year. She'll get nothing this year.

Dragongirl10 · 12/09/2017 21:17

Op your DM is lazy and selfish l am afraid, you sound like a fantastic daughter.

Unless she is disabled or ill in some way, your DM should get off her backside and get a job, now your Ds is plenty old enough to be left alone there is nothing to stop her paying her way and possibly helping her kids a little.....

Has anyone ever told her this?

Original poster
Tallysan · 12/09/2017 21:29

She is disabled, this has been recognised though so she gets appropriate benefits which are above normal income support etc. I do feel she is deserving of these benefits due to her condition and should really have been awarded them sooner, I'll give her that. I can't think of a job she could do.

I might sound heartless but I also feel it's no excuse to take from your children. There were reasons other than not earning that she had no money. Also her partner at the time didn't work although he could have done.

OP posts:
Sally52014 · 12/09/2017 21:31

Jesus don't go. Save for your own holiday like your daughter has

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 12/09/2017 21:43

You get into debt instead. Better than saddling an 18 year old with a large debt.
If you can't afford it then you shouldn't go - I wouldn't dream of letting my 18 year old pay for the whole family! Can't one of you get a job & pay for yourselves? In fact even if you do go you should go separately & not intrude upon the couple's holiday.

Lifeofpies · 12/09/2017 21:56

That's a lot you've had to deal with, Tallysan, and are still dealing with. You have a really clear understanding of it through, which is helpful. And if I'm right you're still young. I hope in time you get in a position to have a mortgage (if that's what you want). Sorry your sis is experiencing the same.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 12/09/2017 22:54

The minimum age for car rental in Greece is 21.