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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go on holiday with my daughter

158 replies

Tallysan · 12/09/2017 12:00

DD 18 started her first full time job a few months ago. She told me recently that she and her boyfriend of 2 years are planning on going on holiday next June to Greece.

It made me think how much I'd like to go on holiday and I said I thought it was a great idea and wished I could afford to do that. I last went on holiday for a week in the south of France about 2 years ago with DP, while DD1 (then 16, nearly 17) and her boyfriend looked after DD2 (then 8) alongside a couple of nights at their dad's. DD and her boyfriend are both very responsible and her dad was on hand.

Anyway I've always wanted to go to Greece. DD saw how much I'd like to go and offered to pay for the flights for me, DD2 and DP to come for the first week of their fortnight away. There is space in the apartment they are planning to book and she has also said she will rent a bigger car the first week. Flights aren't on sale yet I don't think but it's only Easyjet or Ryanair so not hugely expensive. She has said we will just need spending money. I very gratefully said yes.

I was telling my friend what a good girl DD is and how generous, but my friend started saying she thinks it's not fair for DD to spend her money on us and that I am hijacking her first time abroad being independent. She was especially put out by the fact that DD intends to put part of the cost on a credit card with an initial 0% offer because I'm encouraging debt?! I don't think this matters as she can afford to pay it off in time though of course it will be a little more now. My friend also then suddenly hit me with all this stuff about how she thinks I shouldn't take money off DD at all (she gives me money every week and has since her first job at 16). I was just really shocked how she started saying all this stuff out of the blue!! I don't think it's unreasonable to take DD up on her offer, we've always been on benefits and struggled and now she is earning some money it's nice for us all to benefit. But now I'm wondering if I'm wrong.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 12/09/2017 12:46

I think you should definitely go and if I were you I would ask your DD if you can have her best dress to cut up to make yourself a bikini too - that's another good way of keeping holiday costs down.

EamonnWright · 12/09/2017 12:47

Erm yeah I shouldn't have skim read either...

Blush

Get a grip of yourself ffs, once you get into debt it's hard to get out of it.

justanotheryoungmother · 12/09/2017 12:48

@SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning that crossed my mind too Hmm

ToothTrauma · 12/09/2017 12:53

Sure

NachoAddict · 12/09/2017 12:56

I hear Greece is full of nice bridges, you will love it.

Unfortunately you really should not be going on this holiday regardless who pays and it is ridiculous to suggest your DD gets into debt for it!

NikiBabe · 12/09/2017 12:58

You've hijacked your DDs first holiday away with her BF by guilt tripping her that you havent had a holiday.

I don't think it's unreasonable to take DD up on her offer, we've always been on benefits and struggled and now she is earning some money it's nice for us all to benefit

Why have you always been on benefits? I grew up like this and as soon as I worked and had anything to take my mother did indeed take. Subsidising her with money, food, clothes and paying for day trips and I actually subsidised a holiday away for her once. All because she didnt have much and she made me feel guilty.

I realised long ago with my mother that what is hers is hers and what is mine is hers and now I am into my 30s it hasnt stopped. I cannot do anything or buy anything she questions how I afford it but if I am spending money on her she accepts.

Let your DD go and leave her alone.

Frazzled2207 · 12/09/2017 12:59

Your dd sounds lovely but I don't think you should take her up on her offer. She's 18 and finding her feet and absolutely should not be encouraged to go into debt to fund your holiday.
Aim to go the following year, with you saving up to pay for yourself and your younger dc.

lookingbeyond40 · 12/09/2017 13:00

It's not your daughters fault you are on benefits and couldn't afford to go away. Why, now she has a job should she pay for you to go?????

I agree with your friend. Duck out of the holiday and let her be with her boyfriend.

Out of interest, have you saved up for the spending money??? Or will that come out of the weekly money your daughter gives you?

NikiBabe · 12/09/2017 13:03

I last went on holiday for a week in the south of France about 2 years ago with DP, while DD1 (then 16, nearly 17) and her boyfriend looked after DD2 (then 8) alongside a couple of nights at their dad's. DD and her boyfriend are both very responsible and her dad was on hand.

Also you had a holiday 2 years ago for a week alone with your DP and left your 8 year old to be cared for by your teen DD who was 16 at the time?

But now you feel happy to benefit from your DDs money for her to provide you all with a holiday when you left your own 2 behind for a week last time you had one.

Words fail me.

HungerOfThePine · 12/09/2017 13:04

I couldn't do that to my dc, you can go to Greece another time and let your dc experience her independence with her bf.

Either save for a 4-7day break however long it takes or get yourself into debt if it means that much to you.

Your dd is being kind but I wouldn't take advantage of that.

RebelRogue · 12/09/2017 13:04

YABU.
And she can't easily afford it any more than you can because it will go on a credit card.

RiversrunWoodville · 12/09/2017 13:09

I think your dd is a credit to you, she obviously wants to show she cares. I don't think you're unreasonable to want to go and accept her offer but I do agree it would change the dynamic for her and her boyfriend. Also if anything were to happen in the future with her job she doesn't need the credit card debt. You have raised a good one though op

Travis1 · 12/09/2017 13:09

YABU! I was your DD, paying dig money from the age of 12(I say paying, we worked in the same place DM just got to pick up my wages before I did and poof they were gone never to be seen again!)

When I finally left that job and moved elsewhere I still paid £200 a month digs(15 years ago) and my first loan was when I bought my Dad a new home entertainment system.

They always had debts and I got myself into a lot of bother because their attitude rubbed off on me. Thankfully I pulled myself out of it and DH and I are in a good position now but I am also NC with my mum so.......

Don't accept this offer OP it has been made out of guilt, as far your benefit line well, the less said there the better!

Magicpaintbrush · 12/09/2017 13:12

How can you not see how unfair it is that you are doing this OP - your daughter has invited you because you have made her feel guilty by going on about how nice her holiday sounds and how you haven't had one for a few years, so she has probably felt obliged to invite you. I feel sorry for her, and very sorry for her boyfriend (who wants their GF's mum along for a holiday for goodness sake????). And you should be ashamed for expecting her to put the cost of this onto a credit card, that is debt you are putting her in right there - why would you do that to your own daughter?

You are 100% thinking only of yourself here. Save up and book your own holiday, don't ruin hers!

Tallysan · 12/09/2017 13:14

Not completely a troll but this was a reverse. I'm sorry, I just wanted people's real opinions. Is a reverse really hated and frowned upon? Sorry sorry sorry if so. Blush I didn't expect so many replies so quickly and not sure how I feel now!

I thought it was unreasonable but never trust my own bloody thoughts anymore.

The only caveat I should have mentioned is that being on benefits is due to a disability.

Anyway sorry everyone and thank you for the helpful clarification.

OP posts:
Liiinoo · 12/09/2017 13:14

She sounds lovely but you would be doing her a disservice to let her get into debt over this. As a responsible parent you should be encouraging her to live within her means not run up debt to treat you.

MrEBear · 12/09/2017 13:14

I get the feeling this is a wind up however,

Get yourself a job, stop sponging off your daughter and the rest of us who actually work to pay for holidays.

Taylor22 · 12/09/2017 13:18

So are you the friend?

RatRolyPoly · 12/09/2017 13:18

So are you the daughter or the friend?

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 12/09/2017 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mygorgeousmilo · 12/09/2017 13:20

Tallysan who is this vv unreasonable person you're reversing about?

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 12/09/2017 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justmuddlingalong · 12/09/2017 13:21

Are you the boyfriend?

3EyedRaven · 12/09/2017 13:21

Urgh, a reverse

misscph1973 · 12/09/2017 13:21

Don't do it. Just appreciate that your DD is so generous.

I am giving my mum money, and so is my sister (we are both in our 40s) as she did a very poor job at managing her finances when she was married to my father and after their divorce she went bankrupt. She is now retired and lives in a flat she can't afford. But she will not move so my sister started giving her money. When I found out, I started paying some of this money as I did not want my sister to shoulder this on her own. Of course I am happy to be able to help, but I still think it is so wrong. I sincerely hope that my children will never have to help me financially.

Holidays are nice. But it is a luxury and your DD should not pay for you if she has to use a credit card.