Drug taking

[FigaroEscargot]

I have a friend who I've been friends with for a few years. Recently found out that her husband does drugs as he told me casually in conversation, I don't know if friend takes drugs or not. Aibu to want to end the friendship? We both have young daughters and really despise illegal drug taking of any kind. Professionally , personally and socially I can't be around someone who takes drugs.

Keira and engineers - agreed, it's awful. And exactly why we need decriminalisation to happen.

God if I cut out everyone I knew who smoked weed and took the occasional pill it would probably just be me, myself and I.
It's the complete norm amongst my friendship group and we are all fully functioning adults with respectable jobs.

This is why weed should be legal. People get their knickers in a twist about it because it's illegal. But the reality is alcohol is only legal because the government make so much money on it! Although probably a fair chunk is taken away again with how much the NHS spends on drunk people, the effects of alcohol and patching people up after fights etc.
OP I don't quite understand the point of the thread. You have already made your mind up and you seem unable to listen to other people's opinions and rather close minded. So just do what you were going to do all along.
To avoid this in the future I'd have a list of questions prepared before befriending people. Possibly a medical history, car check, make sure hazards in the home are minimal, maybe even check they don't drink as well.

Hi OP, I'm not entirely sure why you've received such a wave of opposition on this front. I personally would start to distance myself and my kid from people who were regularly smoking weed and doing ecstasy.

Admittedly I don't know a lot about drugs, so I would also do some reading into what the drugs do, and what the risks actually were, what the effects of taking them were, and how long they stayed in the body (I.e. After taking ecstasy on a Saturday, would they be still under the influence by Sunday.)

I think my main concerns would be that these people have a clear disregard for the law. Would they be also committing other so-called victimless crimes? Not taxing their car? I can't think of any other examples right now. But it's the above-the-law mentality I would have problems with. I would then be concerned that my kid would pick this attitude up, but I would accept that was quite a leap.

I don't take coke or ecstasy personally for the exact reasons that pp's have stated about the drug trade (I don't smoke weed because it makes me paranoid), but I wouldn't cut a friendship out because someone decided to.
The only reason the drug trade is so violent is because it's illegal, it doesn't HAVE to be that way.
If you cut a friendship out because someone consumed anything else and you didn't agree with the way it was traded you'd be called a sanctimonious arse hole, if you wouldn't speak to someone because the ate an avocado that had been dealt by gangs or owned an iPhone that had its parts mined by children in a country that has been ripped apart by greed for the raw materials or ate chocolate that had cocoa that had been harvested by actual slaves, then you would be told to mind your own business.

I get where you are coming from OP. My OH is in a professional career with a high level security clearance working for a company that randomly drug test frequently (it's not that random, they end up all being tested around twice a year). He doesn't take drugs, but a group of his childhood friends (they are all now mid thirties) take coke and pills recreationally on nights out and smoke weed in some of their homes (the single ones do this mostly). He doesn't like it. He says they are irritating (as they are on drugs and he isn't) and he gets pissed off with waiting around for drugs to turn up before they can go out. As a result he rarely goes out with this group now, unless it's a big birthday/stag do. He won't go round in the week if they are all sat around smoking.

I worry about them getting arrested on nights out, especially if they are on a stag do abroad for example. Several times members of the group have been caught with drugs in bars etc and thrown out/run off before the police could be called. They are so bloody irresponsible. Most of them are fathers too! Their wives/gfs would go wild if they knew. They are all in trade jobs working mostly for themselves so if they got nicked it wouldn't really affect their jobs. If the police decided they didn't know who had what and nicked the whole lot of them, OH would have to declare that to work because of his security clearance (which is renewed frequently), even though there's no way he ever be stupid enough to carry anything for them. It would without a doubt affect his job.

I won't have DS around them, unless we are in an environment where it won't be an issue (like their homes for dinner when their wives are there!) Like I say he rarely sees them for nights out now. They play sports together once a week so he sees them then in an environment where they don't do drugs.

Could the police nick the lot of them when there was no proof they had committed a crime?
I've been with someone who was arrested for possession and though I was searched I they didn't find anything and quite rightly I was let go, because I hadn't committed a crime. I don't think you can arrest someone for standing next to someone who committed a crime.

Also I don't hang out with my friends when they are taking drugs because your dh is right it is a bore BUT this man isn't taking drugs in front of OP he's just mentioned casually that he does.

@SentientCushion Here, in the U.K., possibly not. Abroad (the sort of places they go for stag parties) the police don't give a monkeys, they'd just round up the lot of them and chuck them in a cell.

Yes you are right about what the OP is saying. But still, I understand her point - she clearly despises drugs and having found out that her friends take them it's not unreasonable to drop contact. We all have our 'deal breakers'. Some people won't be around alcohol. Others don't like people who use bad language and wouldn't want their kids around it. Harmful or not drug taking is illegal, the consequences of it can be fatal/very harmful and the trade is, by any sensible persons standards, utterly appalling. So if she doesn't want to be around it or have her family around it then fair enough.

"I think you're being utterly ridiculous and as other posters have pointed out you've completely failed to appropriately assess the risk involved here. You sound uneducated on the subject and you're getting worked up about nothing."

Completely agree with this. OP, I can't believe people like you actually exist. How brittle your friendships must be, if you would cut people off for reasons like this. They are well shot of you.

The fact that you have cut off family members for this, assuming that they are functional, is bordering on mental illness - on your part.

I agree that the drug trade is evil. But that is still not a reason to cut off a friend.

Your choice OP. I rather suspect your friend won't mourn the loss of your friendship for too long once you've explained your reasons.

@sleepisthebest but she nor her daughter would be around it. In fact it's not even her friend who is taking the drugs, it's her friends husband, she doesn't even know if her friend has ever taken drugs.
I would be pretty hurt if my good friend stopped speaking to me because she found out my husband had taken a pill at a festival and occasionally smoked weed.

I do think the fact that you only know because he told you says something actually. I wouldn't know if any of my DDs' friends' parents took drugs recreationally and I still let them go to their houses for play dates. There's no evidence to suggest they're not responsible parents so I trust them.

It doesn't sound like it's been an issue when you've socialised with them either, as you've never seen them taking drugs. That would be my only issue really, I would hate to be around them if they were high on drugs. But that isn't the case here.

So I don't actually get the problem thinking about it. Anyway, it's a reasonable question to ask, as her DH has told you he takes them, why not ask her if she's taken an E as well, for example?

I do think you're overreacting really and close friends are hard to come by. But entirely your call.

And as for cutting off family members for that reason, well that is very sad. If their drug taking isn't hurting you or your family, then I don't get it at all. You don't have to go on nights out with them, just say, 'I don't want to be around drugs, sorr. Simples.

I think the issue is all yours OP. No one can make you continue a friendship but you seem naive and judgemental.

@SentientCushion But that's the thing, it's all about personal boundaries. Personally, for example if there is a family BBQ happening at one of my OHs friends houses, we will all go in the afternoon and I'll happily take DS to play with the other children because I know that no drugs will be present, or taken. By the time evening comes round, people start to kick back. I know at this point people will start (sneakily) ordering drugs (weed mostly) from dealers to come and drop off. So we leave - we don't want to be in that environment and I certainly won't have DS there either even if they do wait for kids to be in bed. I would rather it wasn't an issue, but it's my issue and not my home so we leave. In my circle of friends it wouldn't happen, no one does drugs so we'd all sit their happily late into the evening with the kids all tucked up together and would just take DS home when we are ready to leave (one of us would drive in this scenario).

When I've hosted a BBQ, I've always made a point of telling this group that any sort of drugs/ordering/drop offs will not be tolerated come 'kids in bed' time and if they want to do that then they leave, do it elsewhere and don't come back. I will not tolerate drugs dealers dropping off anything at my home even if it is just weed. I don't feel that by our age I should be needing to spell that out, but unfortunately I do. Plus my BIL is a police officer, if he's there I don't want him out in a situation where he's witnessing illegal activity and feels uncomfortable.

The OPs boundaries are different to mine - she doesn't want to associate with people who take drugs in their downtime at all. She doesn't approve of it. Nor do I - but I am slightly more flexible than her in that I don't want it in front of me, near my home or my family but if people choose to do it away from me it's their problem not mine. That's her decision to make. I don't think people (not you specifically) calling OP ridiculous and uneducated about drugs are very fair.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either op and would cut ties because of this.

But she's not ending the friendship because her friend takes drugs she's ending it because her friends husband takes drugs (not around the children or her and she only knows this because he told her)

Of course people can be friends with whoever they like and you can end a friendship for whatever reason but she came on here to ask if people thought she was being reasonable and I think to end a friendship that is otherwise good because she heard that her friends husband takes drugs is an overreaction.

WONT SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN

My middle son lost years of his life to a weed habit. Til then I was super liberal. I watched it destroy him little by little and now I have zero tolerance. Decide what your tolerance level is and if they are not above it, then YANBU not being friends with them anymore. I have done the same with racist friends. I decided what what was acceptable to me and beyond that I didn't want to know them any more. It's your life and your decision. We judge, it's human. My eyes are open to things that only a few years ago I didn't consider.

Does that mean you wouldn't be friends with someone whose partner occasionally smoked weed concise?

My middle son lost years of his life to a weed habit. Til then I was super liberal. I watched it

I've watched people really get fucked up on alcohol and food and gambling, doesn't mean that millions of people who put 50p each way on the grand national or have a glass of wine have a problem or I would cut them dead because of it.

The problem is the excess and compulsion Todo or take something. Pretty much anything done to excess can fuck you up.

Love the correlation with illicit avocadoes and cocoa. There is a middle class disconnection here - I bet some of those buying fair trade cocoa and carefully sourcing their avocadoes have not quite so carefully sourced their coke...

I agree the answer is decriminalisation. But the thing is, currently certain drugs are illegal. Taking them helps criminals, it isn't just a case of thumbing one's nose at the establishment.

Yes and that's why I don't take them,
But I wouldn't stop being friends with someone whose husband did.

Ha ha.
Your risk analysis is shocking.

Please, do us all a favour and tell them:

"No, my dd can't come round for a sleepover and no I don't want to have anything more to do with you, because of your drugtaking. "

Simples.

There's a HUGE difference between buying drugs and supporting the trade yourself and just being friends with someone whose partner occasionally does.
I actually think if you cut out everyone in your life whose close relative occasionally took drugs you might find your roladex is pretty empty.