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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drug taking

163 replies

FigaroEscargot · 11/09/2017 21:54

I have a friend who I've been friends with for a few years. Recently found out that her husband does drugs as he told me casually in conversation, I don't know if friend takes drugs or not. Aibu to want to end the friendship? We both have young daughters and really despise illegal drug taking of any kind. Professionally , personally and socially I can't be around someone who takes drugs.

OP posts:
Original poster
FigaroEscargot · 11/09/2017 23:45

Why is it relatively hidden then?

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 11/09/2017 23:47

BoysofMelody 😁

EamonnWright · 11/09/2017 23:49

Because it's illegal?

peachandplum · 11/09/2017 23:51

YANBU I wouldn't want druggies around me or my child.

BoysofMelody · 11/09/2017 23:51

If they were doing pills whilst looking after kids, that would of course be a very bad idea. But doing them when it's appropriate, on a night out when not looking after kids - how can you have an issue with that?

Exactly. It is about appropriate context. If you'd posted
After knowing little Timmy's mum for a few years, I've discovered she drinks, she's not a fit parent and I don't want a her round my children, AIBU?'

The answer would very much depend on when/where and how much she drunk. Drinking could cover anything from letting her hair down with a few lagers in the pub once in a blue moon, while Timmy's dad was looking after him at home, to downing a bottle of vodka for breakfast and getting stuck into a six pack of special brew at a soft play centre.

In the first instance you'd be utterly ott and in the second you'd have a point. But both coul be accurately described as 'alcohol users' or drinkers.

It is the same with recreational drug use. A drug user is not necessarily doing anything problematic.

Original poster
FigaroEscargot · 11/09/2017 23:51

Oh yes I nearly forgot

OP posts:
hardhatfirmlyon · 11/09/2017 23:53

This is the source (wasn't cheating honest - was something googled during a conversation amongst friends a few weeks ago and I remembered it as it is a bit surprising!):

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/oct/05/-sp-drug-use-is-rising-in-the-uk-but-were-not-addicted

That would tally with the 'third of the population' stat though.

I don't think it is relatively hidden - apart from the illegality aspect, it depends on your peer group growing up I guess, or the industry you work in. I worked in the City for years and there was nothing hidden about the drug use there!

& yes boysofmelody, imagine that - I think if my kids were exposed to Hawkwind at a sleepover I'd have some serious issues..

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/09/2017 23:55

Because people fear and judge OP, just as you are doing.

BTW if the surveyors asked my mum if she had taken illegals, she (and her friends) would say "no" and that would be a lie. They are all heading towards their 70s now and nothing they took in their youNiger days is nearly as dangerous or potent as the legal meds in their bathroom cabinets. Shock

Original poster
FigaroEscargot · 11/09/2017 23:59

I can't relate to it and have seen it mess people up.

OP posts:
BoysofMelody · 12/09/2017 00:00

Yes I'm boring, I don't do drugs

No, neither do I, but then I don't think occasional use of illegal drugs on a night out automatically makes someone an unfit or feckless parent. Just as I hope that the fact thst I had a pint before walking home from work doesn't make me a violent alcoholic with a pickled liver.

justanothernameagain · 12/09/2017 00:01

Interesting article hardhatfirmlyon.

It says:

  • Thirty-one per cent of those currently aged 16-24 have taken drugs
  • 35- 44-year-olds have been the biggest users of drugs with nearly half (47%) of this age group having taken them. ...

"Among those who have ever taken drugs, it is a minority (21%) who continue to do so, approximately 3 million people. ...

In contrast to the stereotype of the drug user, many active drug takers are in the higher echelons of society, with 40% being in social grades AB.

Drug taking is widespread and on the rise but, for the majority, it does not constitute a problem ; 87% of those who have taken drugs do not believe they have ever had a problem with them"

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/09/2017 00:03

Then distance yourself/dump them.

justanothernameagain · 12/09/2017 00:03

So according to that, half of the older parents will have taken drugs at some point in their lives, and the posher they are, the more likely it is.

toiletanger · 12/09/2017 00:08

I kind of see where you're coming from OP.

I had a friend tell me she recreationally used Coke and she has small children. She wasn't using it in their presence or when she was responsible for them but for me I did judge her for it...

Somehow it didn't match up with the idea of who I believed she was ... a lovely responsible trustworthy mother

I'm not saying she's not... it just changed my perception of her and I felt really disappointed to discover she had a flaw now in my opinion of her, she fell off my pedestal

Since I've had experiences that have made me think I was too hasty in binning her from my trusted people list for this but I do see where you're coming from in how you feel let down to learn this

justanothernameagain · 12/09/2017 00:11

FigaroEscargot I'm sorry if you've seen it mess people up. Drugs really can mess people up.

Coke, for example is really addictive and turns people into wankers IMO. It's not mind expanding, it doesn't stimulate creativity, it's just really good at making people want more which is pretty fucking boring IMO. And yes it can fuck people up.

Anything opiate-based is likely bad news taken regularly.

Ketamine fucking runined my friendship circle and wasn't the safe drug we all thought it was at first.

I've known a few people die of drugs. It's awful. I'm sorry if you're seen people suffer.

But what you describe really isn't problematic use.

The media's hysteria about drugs and the government's refusal to treat us like adults when discussing drugs makes them more dangerous not less. Putting all drugs in a box labelled "beware" and treating people like lepers if they only take the government sanctioned drugs out of the box isn't logical or well informed.

Tobacco and alcohol realy are much more dangerous than MDMA.

The government have policitcal reasons for keeping drugs like weed and MDMA illegal, it's not about your health. If it was, they'd ban the booze.

justanothernameagain · 12/09/2017 00:13

That should say

"treating people like lepers if they DON'T only take the government sanctioned drugs out of the box."

Really should proof read, sorry.

Original poster
FigaroEscargot · 12/09/2017 00:13

I don't think they are unfit parents. If someone didn't want to be friends with me any more because of my lifestyle choices I wouldn't be offended.

OP posts:
Original poster
FigaroEscargot · 12/09/2017 00:16

I have been the same with someone who was an alcoholic too. I understand it's my issue/cut of point with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FigaroEscargot · 12/09/2017 00:17

What were your experiences that made you think you should've stayed friends?

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justanothernameagain · 12/09/2017 00:21

One of the reasons MDMA is kept illegal for example, is likely because the alcohol lobby is powerful.

When MDMA was popular in the late 80s, young people stopped drinking alcohol as they just wanted water to hydrate while they danced.

Violence in city centres plummeted. Violence on the football terraces waned as well (pretty hard to find the will to kick someone's head in when you were at a rave together hugging the night before! Even if they are on the opposing side). This should be seen as a good thing!

The entetainment industry were not pleased. They needed them to be drinking booze. So they fought back.

If you're interested, read this.

Following what the government says is illegal or illegal as a guage ofo what's safe isn't reliable at all.

Their war on drugs has just made things worse for everyone, it certainly hasn't helped. They aren't brave enough to do the right things on drugs - which is decriminalise the lot - especially the more dangerous drugs. It'd make it much safer for everyone as you'd take it out of the hands of criminal gangs overnight.

justanothernameagain · 12/09/2017 00:22

I have been the same with someone who was an alcoholic too.

But that's the issue - you're comparing chalk and cheese.

Someone who smokes the odd spliff and has an occasional bit of MDMA isn't equivilant to an alcoholic.

It's the equivilant of drinking a couple of glasses of wine at the weekend and more at a party every once in a blue moon.

NoMudNoLotus · 12/09/2017 00:27

OP as a professional who works with safeguarding week in week out and who works with drug users week in week out I do not believe for a second that you hold a professional qualification in this .

Firstly you talk about people becoming "addicted" to these drugs - neither cannabis nor ecstasy are drugs that it is possible to be addicted to .

toiletanger · 12/09/2017 00:29

I feel I should have stayed friends based on choices I later made myself that I never thought I would have at the time... but life happens

I now feel very hypocritical as her use was far more responsible than my own very brief experimentation

However I also acknowledge I was very beaten down by life at the time, not in a good frame of mind and experiments were under extreme pressure from someone

Original poster
FigaroEscargot · 12/09/2017 00:32

I didn't say they were addicted to either.

A parent in the family has taken ecstasy and smokes weed. I don't feel comfortable with it.

Would you have absolutely no safeguarding concerns if you knew a parent that took ectasy or smoked weed?

OP posts:
sarasabrownie · 12/09/2017 00:43

If you don't feel comfortable then cut. I think if parents have managed to accommodate their drug taking beyond parenthood then it's pretty engrained as something they enjoy and won't let go of and will be something they wish to share with their friends. It will be a real downer on them if they know their 'friends' or their kids 'friends ' parents don't approve so I can't see a relaxing friendship forming. I honestly find it hard enough navigating getting pissed as an adult in front of my kids and then preaching to them not to drink alcohol - it's sitting uncomfortably. It will be a big conversation admitting we have smoked or tried other stuff - I can't imagine a conversation where I would have to admit dropping pills and having a smoke on a regular basis. Don't let it fester though - have it out with them or move on - don't be all aghast on the sidelines - you need to take a position here.