Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh wants to go on a long haul trip alone

140 replies

Tortycat · 10/09/2017 23:41

Dh wants to go on a long haul holiday to persue his hobby. He goes at least once per year since we've had children (3 and 6 months) - it used to be more. He went earlier this year but now wants to go again. I'm unhsppy about this as
A) it costs a lot of money which, whilst we can afford, could be spent on better things eg family holiday, maintenance to house etc
B) it leaves me on my own with the dc for 8 days (we have no family to help)
C) he then doesnt have enough annual leave for a week away for all of us before Xmas which we were hoping to have. Our holiday will end up more like a long weekend which clearly restricts our options. (Though we did have 2 weeks in the uk earlier this summer)

I dont usually have a problem with his trips but do this time as its the second one this year and for the reasons above. I havent been abroad since before pregnant with first dc, and only ever had 1 night away alone since eldest dc born.

Dh says he's entitled to his own spending money (we have £300-400 each per month to spend on ourselves, though this trip will need an 'advance'), and thinks he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children and agreed he could carry on spending time on his hobby if we had them.

Wibu??

OP posts:
BenLui · 10/09/2017 23:43

Any Hobby that means the family can't have a holiday together is unreasonable.

peachandplum · 10/09/2017 23:44

Agree with ^^

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2017 23:45

I think he is being outrageously selfish. Seriously, WTF. Does he not care about you and the children at all?!

BackieJerkhart · 10/09/2017 23:46

Shock that is truly utterly selfish!!

ADishBestEatenCold · 10/09/2017 23:47

"and thinks he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children and agreed he could carry on spending time on his hobby if we had them."

I'd be letting him go for the next 90 years for that one!
v v
"As you (I) were (was) the one who most wanted children" !!!!

mygorgeousmilo · 10/09/2017 23:49

You haven't been on holiday since before your 3yo was born, but he goes long haul once or twice a year? Outrageously selfish. He's taking the piss.

BackInTheRoom · 10/09/2017 23:49

No, you're not BU. Tell him you're going to pursue your hobby of going on a family holiday! Without him! 👍

KC225 · 10/09/2017 23:53

He is out of order. He has been away already this year and now you have a new baby with no help.

Hobbies take a back seat with young children. Tell him how hurt you are that he chooses not to spend his annual with his family.

yorkshireyummymummy · 10/09/2017 23:54

He has already had his ' hobby holiday' this year. It's incredibly selfish of him to want another at the expense of family time. Then to say you wanted the children more- well, words fail me. How very nasty. It simply does not matter if you wanted them more, the fact is that he agreed to have them, he assisted you in falling pregnant and now you have two children who must come first, above him and his precious hobby. I would tell him to go if he really really wants to- but he may find that his key to the front door doesn't work when he gets back.

SouthWindsWesterly · 10/09/2017 23:57

I'm sorry.... the OP wanted the children so the ageeeement was he could spend time on his hobby?? Was he a non-participant in creating your children? He has equal bloody responsibility!

And he has done his hobby - he's already been away once so his argument falls flat on it's face there. What he should be offering to do is have the kids so you can go away for a few days. Is he usually this much of a twat or is it a one off, getting defensive remark?

Henrysmycat · 11/09/2017 00:05

Sometimes, I read a post like this and can't help wonder if it's trolling or there are women out there that put up with shit like this.
Words fail me at how much of a doormat the OP is. Come on, grow a pair OP. Hobbies that take so much money and time after kids are stupid and selfish. And to claim you wanted kids is a whole level of fucked up. What the hell are you doing with him? He gives no shit for you or the kids.

citychick · 11/09/2017 00:41

Put your foot down, OP.
I think that's out of order.

Years ago DH asked if he could start buying very expensive season tickets to his favourite football team. And attend all the matches.

Absolutely not. We had very young DC. I also said I'd expect him to spend the same amount on family holidays.

Would he be able to give you the same amount of cash to sweeten your time whilst he's away? Not if he's got to take out an advance for this next trip. Not really the point, but you see what I am saying...

Season tickets never happened by the way...

Willow2017 · 11/09/2017 00:47

He has been away once already.
You had plans as a family at Xmas which will not happen if he goes.

Tell him yes off you go just bont bother coming back, hope your hobby keeps you warm in bed at night for the next 50 years.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/09/2017 00:50

thinks he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children and agreed he could carry on spending time on his hobby if we had them Utter fucker.

DH wanted children more than me. I agreed. Once you have agreed; you agree with all your heart. I am as much a parent to DD as he is in every way. Otherwise you are a terrible human being.

We have both gone away LH separately. But we always discuss; vacation time; money; support; general feelings. And we come to an agreement. I would never sacrifice the family's happiness for my own.

HelenaDove · 11/09/2017 00:58

Selfish entitled cunt!

Manclife · 11/09/2017 01:00

Let him go then you have 8 days away without the kids and see how he gets on.

HelenaDove · 11/09/2017 01:01

I meant the "D" H obvs.

Atenco · 11/09/2017 01:01

What an absolute tosser!

HelenaDove · 11/09/2017 01:03

Bet the tosser will expect some form of care from the DCs when he gets old.

LoveDeathPrizes · 11/09/2017 01:03

Jesus wept of course you're not being unreasonable!! So entitled. My god.

And anyone that talks about their own kids like that is well out of order. Nice priorities.

TrailingWife · 11/09/2017 01:06
  1. He does spend time on his hobby. You never agreed to "unlimited" time on his hobby.
  1. He doesn't have the money. He would have to borrow it. Even though he is borrowing from himself, it blows the whole budget system.
  1. You never agreed to "no family holiday." If he really had time to do both, that would be a consideration.
  1. Him bringing up that you wanted children more is just nasty. If he doesn't want to parent them, take holidays with them and so on, then you might actually have a serious marital problem. I'd give him a very straight choice, he takes a holiday with his children and acts like it is the most important thing in the world, or you guys go to marriage counseling. He'll choose the holiday. If he starts to get grumpy on the holiday, remind him that acting like spending time with the children is the most important thing in the world, or he still has to go to marriage counseling. If he refuses, go without him and talk about what a self shit he is.
RiseToday · 11/09/2017 01:07

As if he wasn't selfish enough, he adds insult to injury by telling you that you wanted children more, so he should be free to indulge himself.

Yet another selfish arsehole.

HelenaDove · 11/09/2017 01:09

Im willing to bet that at the back of his mind he thought that if they did have kids it would leave OP having to look after them at home while he could spend time on his hobby. I bet he agreed to it for his own dubious reasons not because he wanted DCs

HelenaDove · 11/09/2017 01:12

What is this hobby he worships at the altar of?

ChasedByBees · 11/09/2017 01:30

So you wanted children more, he thinks that gives him the right to act as if that's true forever. He's basically saying he's not an equal parent and he doesn't want them as much now. Is that what you want from the father of your children?

Swipe left for the next trending thread