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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh wants to go on a long haul trip alone

140 replies

Tortycat · 10/09/2017 23:41

Dh wants to go on a long haul holiday to persue his hobby. He goes at least once per year since we've had children (3 and 6 months) - it used to be more. He went earlier this year but now wants to go again. I'm unhsppy about this as
A) it costs a lot of money which, whilst we can afford, could be spent on better things eg family holiday, maintenance to house etc
B) it leaves me on my own with the dc for 8 days (we have no family to help)
C) he then doesnt have enough annual leave for a week away for all of us before Xmas which we were hoping to have. Our holiday will end up more like a long weekend which clearly restricts our options. (Though we did have 2 weeks in the uk earlier this summer)

I dont usually have a problem with his trips but do this time as its the second one this year and for the reasons above. I havent been abroad since before pregnant with first dc, and only ever had 1 night away alone since eldest dc born.

Dh says he's entitled to his own spending money (we have £300-400 each per month to spend on ourselves, though this trip will need an 'advance'), and thinks he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children and agreed he could carry on spending time on his hobby if we had them.

Wibu??

OP posts:

littlebird7 · 11/09/2017 13:24

btw

I didn't want children, not one bit .It was my dh that desperately wanted children. When I became a parent, I of course fell deeply in love with my children the minute they arrived (or before during my pregnancy) and would not dream of reminding dh that I 'did this for him' . If anything I have him to thank for encouraging me to have dc, they are the best thing that ever happened to me.

and moreover, I would never hold a gun against his head, telling him that as I provided children for him I therefore am entitled to do this, that and the other.....for the rest of my life! It is unbelievable he is using his own children against you like this.

It is sounds a lot like blackmail. He agreed to children, so you have to spend your life agreeing to everything he wants. This is not really not healthy.

He is treating you really really badly under the guise of you wanting children more than him. Is he a good and loving father? Does he help out in the house? Does he love his dc enough to make time for them regularly?

If he is not remotely committed to any of this, you have to question whether he should be in your lives at all. He was probably a mistake.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/09/2017 13:31

He agreed to children, so you have to spend your life agreeing to everything he wants.

Agreed - that can't work.

I actually do think he's an arse, now that he does have children. But I think your most effective way of dealing with it is to leave aside all that. You simply say, ok, clearly the 'deal' we seem to have has not been communicated effectively. Yes I wanted children more than you. But you too agreed to have children. Therefore you too are a parent. I don't agree to a family lifestyle which basically means that you pull this card in order to skew the life of the entire family towards you getting to still live life as a single man. If you really did want that, you should have refused to have children.

The statement to discuss is therefore not 'you wanted children, you put up with it.' Rather, it seems to be 'It looks as if you didn't really want children after all. So, how do we sort out separating?'

Firesuit · 11/09/2017 13:49

How idiotic to have children with someone who set out clearly his intentions of not being a 'family man'.

It's only idiotic if your attempt to alter the terms of the pre-child agreement through post-child emotional abuse fails. If you do manage to trap him in a life he never signed up for and that makes his life worse so that yours can be better, you've been quite cunning.

rookiemere · 11/09/2017 13:58

DH and DS really want a dog. I don't particularly want one so have told them to come up with a plan on how they'll do most of the work.

Doesn't however mean that I don't expect my life to change a bit as a result. It would be wrong of me for example to insist that we continue with the same number of holidays abroad where it couldn't come, or refuse to take it to the vet on my day off.

in the same way it would be bizarre to insist that he lives his life as if he had no DCs because he didn't really want them. Wouldn't work well as an argument to the CSA.

He's already had one foreign holiday this year with his hobby, more than that is pretty incompatible with family life.

LoniceraJaponica · 11/09/2017 14:05

Excellent post Fizzy

BackInTheRoom · 11/09/2017 14:10

Agree, an excellent post Fizzy and can we be friends in real life because you're so logical! 👍

Msqueen33 · 11/09/2017 14:19

What a cock! I don't believe partners should be joined at the hip but when children come along you accept life changes. He's done his hobby once already this is a really cheeky ask. We have three dc and two have disabilities and a lot have fallen by the waste side and we've had to compromise. Because we're a family. Sounds like he's having a tantrum and is using the "you wanted kids more than me" to justify getting his own selfish way.

Brahms3rdracket · 11/09/2017 14:20

YANBU. Your dh is a complete arse for this alone thinks he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children

farfarawayfromhome · 11/09/2017 14:22

I travel regularly for pleasure without my DH and so does he...his favourite trip is three weeks away on a motorbike round India!

We als have no family help,as we live overseas.

But we always agreed that if these trips come at the expensive of family time then they stop.

So your DH is being totally U.

cluelessnewmum · 11/09/2017 14:23

I think some of the comments on here are a bit extreme, as the OP says he is a good father generally.

Everyone has the right to have some access to that part of themselves they leave behind when they become a parent, my dh and I both make compromises for the other so we can have that.

As many have said the main issue is that (a) he sees his children as less of his responsibility as he wanted them less than OP and (b) he is making op feel like she is being unreasonable.

I think it is fair enough for him to ask but he shouldn't make op feel bad if she doesn't want to do 8 days on her own, and he should certainly be making some concessions to accommodate the trip either financially or time-wise, or both (eg can he work overtime to pay for the trip, curb his spending on another aspect of life etc) .

It is the husband's attitude towards her / the children that is the issue rather than the request itself in my opinion, and that is what the op should discuss with her dh, leaving the hobby itself to one side.

LakieLady · 11/09/2017 14:46

Hmm been thinking about this, you could always suggest going with him and making a family holiday out of it.
Bet he would live that, the selfish git.

That's a great idea. You could spend your evenings as a family, and have quality time with the kids during the day.

PuppyMonkey · 11/09/2017 15:03

Star Trek convention, I reckon.

rookiemere · 11/09/2017 15:19

But lakkielady OP probably has plenty of quality time with the DCs already.

I can't think of anything worse than wrangling two very young DCs all day in a location likely not well suited for infants( although they might have a riot at a Star Trek convention) then waiting for the almighty DH to grace one with his presence after a day doing what he enjoys - for the whole holiday.

Plus may encourage him to suggest that all future holidays are like this - wee wifely doing all the work- sorry I mean spending quality time with the DCs - whilst he enjoys his hobby, may even get the odd marital shag in and the holiday would of course come from joint costs as its family.

Doesn't sound too good to me,

milliemolliemou · 11/09/2017 15:42

My money's on birdwatching. Sorry for you OP, but you do need to sit him down again and calmly go through the points.

He's already been away
You've been on a 2 week holiday as a family, but not abroad for last 3 years
His decision would curtail what you do as a family not least because he'll have run out of annual leave - But there will be 10 days over Christmas if you take just three days annual leave? But then there are the cost issues - do you get an "advance" just as he does, or what?

XJerseyGirlX · 11/09/2017 15:46

If what he wants to do means your family holiday suffers (as he wont have enough annual leave) then he is being a massively selfish dick!

Original poster

Tortycat · 11/09/2017 15:47

Hmmm....
I havent 'procreated with a man who clearly didnt want children'. Its true i was the instigator of having children whilst dh was more ambivalent, but he was happy to go ahead. I agreed he could continue spending time on his hobby, but maybe naively didnt nail down t&c's as i assumed we would both be considerate. I have been fine with him spending time on his hobby generally, as he doesnt go out drinking or away wirh friends and pulls his weight around the house etc, but i do have an issue with 2 trips this year, esp as it impacts on another family holiday. He's actually a very good dad who says having children was the best thing thats happened to him, which is why i cant understand why he complains and isnt grateful!

I'm fine wirh each of us doing our own thing and often holidayed without him pre children. Maybe it feels unfair right now as i have no desire to go away without dc at the mo, but can even up later.

Fwiw i have decided he can go away, but as long as he sticks to his suggestions that he wont go at all next year, and that we can still go away as a family later this year if i can find something i want. I like the suggestion of booking family holidays way in advance for next year so he can't squirm out of it. Im just sad that he doesnt seem to value them as much as me. I'll also be taking my own 'advance'.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tortycat · 11/09/2017 15:52

Also, i have been on a trip with him while he did hobby, and whilst it was ok i wouldn't want to do this again, esp with 2 small children in tow. It would also be v expensive as a family holiday which doesnt seem worth it for something i wouldn't enjoy much. I have zero interest in his hobby! I shall have choice of where we go for a family holiday (despite it being curtailed to less time).

OP posts:

ShitOrBust · 11/09/2017 15:55

is the hobby cycling?

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/09/2017 15:55

Is it something he can fit around the family? FWIW I like scuba diving (one of the mentioned holidays) so we sometimes go places I can do it and I have a day or two during the holiday. DH can do something he loves for a couple too.

Much more fair!

Mittens1969 · 11/09/2017 15:59

@Tortycat, that's a very good compromise.
Hope he sticks to his side of the bargain. As I said earlier, I have friends who have a similar arrangement with individual and family holidays and it works out fine for them as a family.

But he does need to stop guilt tripping you over you pushing for having children as he was happy to go along with it.

fiestaforever · 11/09/2017 16:17

for heavens sake someone shut down this thread, how helpful is it to be told your husband is an arse 100 times in one day. if you want to be helpful set up a funding page and send the poor woman on a holiday of her own.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/09/2017 16:26

Woop woop. That's the sound of the police.

The thread police that is.

TimingIsEverything · 11/09/2017 16:33

Is the hobby skiing?

Very expensive and need to be in a place with snow.

Oblomov17 · 11/09/2017 16:35

Op hasn't taken on board half the suggestions. Saving for holidays?

Agree with Terry Pratchet........

rookiemere · 11/09/2017 17:05

Glad you've reached a compromise OP and booking holidays far in advance will give you good practice for when they're at school !

I'd just be a bit cautious that he's agreed to no holiday next year. It sounds like something my DH would say - and mean - at the time and then forget when big shiny hobby trip comes onto the radar. Therefore actually having future holidays booked and in the calendar should sort that one out.

Maybe post in travel advice to get ideas of holidays that work well for all with young DCs

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