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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh wants to go on a long haul trip alone

140 replies

Tortycat · 10/09/2017 23:41

Dh wants to go on a long haul holiday to persue his hobby. He goes at least once per year since we've had children (3 and 6 months) - it used to be more. He went earlier this year but now wants to go again. I'm unhsppy about this as
A) it costs a lot of money which, whilst we can afford, could be spent on better things eg family holiday, maintenance to house etc
B) it leaves me on my own with the dc for 8 days (we have no family to help)
C) he then doesnt have enough annual leave for a week away for all of us before Xmas which we were hoping to have. Our holiday will end up more like a long weekend which clearly restricts our options. (Though we did have 2 weeks in the uk earlier this summer)

I dont usually have a problem with his trips but do this time as its the second one this year and for the reasons above. I havent been abroad since before pregnant with first dc, and only ever had 1 night away alone since eldest dc born.

Dh says he's entitled to his own spending money (we have £300-400 each per month to spend on ourselves, though this trip will need an 'advance'), and thinks he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children and agreed he could carry on spending time on his hobby if we had them.

Wibu??

OP posts:
Piewraith · 11/09/2017 02:39

Say yes, and tell him about your solo trip that you have planned. Yours will be 16 days of course.

TrailingWife · 11/09/2017 02:59

When was the last time you went away and left him with the kids? Even for a girls night out?

safariboot · 11/09/2017 03:02

I can't imagine any hobby that really requires even leaving Britain, never mind Europe. Unless he wants to go and see a NASCAR race or something.

He hasn't got the money, and considering other demands he hasn't got the leave time from work. That should be an end of it.

popflos · 11/09/2017 03:19

Selfish yes but you prob can't change that. What you can do is have a blissful week without him, no cooking, no ironing, no arguing. Plenty of people cope with two small children ( business trips, military wives, single mums) so stop reading the hate and work out how to make it a lovely time for you and your babies. My husband takes trips alone (motorbike adventures is his thing) and I love it when he is gone. One day when the kids are bigger you will be ready to do the same. Start saving.

fiestaforever · 11/09/2017 06:46

couldnt sleep, been thinking about this one half the night.. why not take the kids away the same week, while you are away darling me and the kids will be in spain, bye!

if you cant afford it just raise some funds by selling some his gear on ebay.
(im actually not kidding, i met a single mum who had a free holiday because the hotel lady was kind and had a spare room)

Dumdedumdum · 11/09/2017 06:49

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 06:53

Why did he have children?

Mittens92 · 11/09/2017 06:57

He is a selfish dick

Smeaton · 11/09/2017 06:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dumdedumdum · 11/09/2017 06:59

To please his wife, it seems! Thing about the Op taking equal time to herself, or taking the kids away - how much fun is it to leave your 6 month old behind for a week, or to go abroad on your own with two tiny children?
He presumably has friends whose partners accept this behaviour - or more likely they are single or divorced, as he may be soon!

CamperVamp · 11/09/2017 07:02

"and thinks he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children and agreed he could carry on spending time on his hobby if we had them. "

So he did at least make it clear before he had children that his hobby and his own interests would be put before yours and the children.

YANBU, of course you are not. But I'm not sure there is an amicable way of resolving it. He won't just change his outlook by magic, and if you force him he will probably work up a resentment.

LindyHemming · 11/09/2017 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoffeeCupCake · 11/09/2017 07:08

I don't think he's being unreasonable. His reasons for why he thinks he should go are valid: it's something he's always done, he's paying for it (ok, he needs an advance so there is a discussion to be had there), and to him it could seem like you're moving the goalposts by saying you don't want him to go this time since you did agree he could carry on.

BUT I also don't think he should go. He is selfish and not putting his family first. Sadly you can't make him want to do that.

How much does he engage with the children when he is around?

skinoncustard · 11/09/2017 07:16

Bet the hobby is diving, somewhere hot with crystal clear turquoise water!
While the little wife is home with the kiddies in dull cold Britain with not even a few days away to look forward too.
This is fair--- HOW?

Original poster
Tortycat · 11/09/2017 07:19

Thanks for all your responses. Food for thought. He had been making me feel unreasonable so good to have perspective that I'm not!

He does have a lot of good points and is a great hands on dad but on this issue he will be pretty immoveable i suspect you're right popflos. If the dc were older I would love to go on a trip with them myself but suspect thats too much like hard work atm. I would give an 'advance' to myself but i am a natural saver and spending all that cash doesnt seem sensible. Shit.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2017 07:21

He sounds like a selfish arse. Even if you didn't have children, two weeks away without you would be ridiculous especially if resulting in not having the time or money to holiday together. And if he takes all of the available cash for his jaunts, what do you get to do for treats? You agreed to a week. How disrespectful. He's the one flaunting the agreement. Hide or better still burn his passport. This would be a deal breaker for many.

LoniceraJaponica · 11/09/2017 07:23

What is this hobby that he can't do in the UK?

I agree that he is being utterly selfish and thoughtless. However, playing devil's advocate here - how much of the fact that you wanted children more than he did is true? Did he feel backed into a corner about children? Does he feel too tied down with the responsibility?

It sounds like he feels has the option of behaving like a single person whenever it suits him, and obviously you don't, which isn't fair.

Is there any chance that you will be able to do something for yourself without him?

PerfectlyPooPoo · 11/09/2017 07:31

Not often am I truly appalled by a thread but your 'd'h is an utter arsehole and I could not be with someone so unbelievably selfish.

JakeBallardswife · 11/09/2017 07:31

Ask him if it's instead of next years trip?

DressedCrab · 11/09/2017 07:35

He's a prick. And a very selfish one.

PollytheDoily · 11/09/2017 07:42

What do you mean he's immovable on the subject?

Don't like the sound of that. You have no choice in the matter, he's doing it anyway?

Self-absorbed twonk!

RandomUsernameHere · 11/09/2017 07:43

YANBU with regards to points A) and C). I would focus on these when you bring the issue up with your DH. IMO I wouldn't raise point C), it makes you look a bit petty. 8 days is really not long to look after the DC on your own.

expatinscotland · 11/09/2017 07:43

What an entitled and selfish twat. No, he's not be reasonable. Anything you have to take an 'advance' on or which means no family holiday is a no-goer. He's already had one holiday for his hobby. He created the children, too.

scottishdiem · 11/09/2017 07:44

Yeah that entire children thing wasnt thought through. If what you say is true and there was a quid pro quo over kids (did you agree two at the start or is this an unlimited offer he was give) then perhaps that should have been discussed more.

After all, it seems like is went:

OP: I want a thing that will impact on your things. You need to cut down:
DH: Not keen but do I still get to do thing?
OP: Yes.
DH: Ok. Thing is important to me, remember that.
OP: Ok.

2 OP things later: I need to cut back further on the thing you do.

DH: Oh...

Pootlebug · 11/09/2017 07:45

Sod that for a lark. The fact that he can 'afford' it (with an advance, or even if he could afford it without) is irrelevant.... Just because he can pay for it with his own money doesn't make it a fair division of time. He's had one holiday and this one not only impacts on all the family but on all the family's planned holiday. I think you need to out your foot down about his priorities

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