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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh wants to go on a long haul trip alone

140 replies

Tortycat · 10/09/2017 23:41

Dh wants to go on a long haul holiday to persue his hobby. He goes at least once per year since we've had children (3 and 6 months) - it used to be more. He went earlier this year but now wants to go again. I'm unhsppy about this as
A) it costs a lot of money which, whilst we can afford, could be spent on better things eg family holiday, maintenance to house etc
B) it leaves me on my own with the dc for 8 days (we have no family to help)
C) he then doesnt have enough annual leave for a week away for all of us before Xmas which we were hoping to have. Our holiday will end up more like a long weekend which clearly restricts our options. (Though we did have 2 weeks in the uk earlier this summer)

I dont usually have a problem with his trips but do this time as its the second one this year and for the reasons above. I havent been abroad since before pregnant with first dc, and only ever had 1 night away alone since eldest dc born.

Dh says he's entitled to his own spending money (we have £300-400 each per month to spend on ourselves, though this trip will need an 'advance'), and thinks he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children and agreed he could carry on spending time on his hobby if we had them.

Wibu??

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 11/09/2017 10:32

That is just so selfish. I have friends who go both go on individual skiing holidays every year and then they go as a family; it's obviously fine for them, and they can afford it. But for him to go on a long haul flight for his hobby twice in a year, and to deprive his family of a holiday, is just not on.

I agree with the PP who said you should go away for 8 days and leave him to cope.

Tobythecat · 11/09/2017 11:05

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths women will go to in order to have children by manipulating immature selfish men who clearly don't want children and would make shit fathers and husbands. Then the woman boohoo's about it. It really pisses me off.

The husband didn't want kids. Op was desperate for kids. Husband reluctantly agreed to giving her kids to make her happy, on the basis that he still gets to live as a single man and be a selfish fucker. Op agrees to this and they proceed. After the deal, Op changes her mind and suddenly wants the husband to be a family man.

MatildaTheCat · 11/09/2017 11:19

If this goes ahead you will be setting a precedent and next year he will expect the same. How you avoid it is very difficult to say.

Could you insist on booking a decent summer holiday as a family for next year before agreeing to the trip? Then find a friend and book a long weekend somewhere gorgeous and make that a regular thing.

I speak from experience as a wife of a golfer and skier. I started having city breaks 16 years ago and it evens things up a bit.

Get tough and negotiate. And bollocking to you wanting the dc. They are both of yours jointly and it's a disgraceful attitude. Tell him this clearly.

mrsnec · 11/09/2017 11:21

My DH has just booked himself a trip for 4 days costing 600 quid and I have a problem with that .

His argument is that he would have no problem at all if I wanted to do it but I wouldn't because I can't think of anything I'd want to do without him or the dc and I think spending that kind of money on yourself when you'te a parent is very self indulgent.

However, I've made him promise it's not a regular thing and that I get to choose all our holidays next year and I also have to remember he goes to the pub with his mates about twice a year and has never had a football season ticket like some blokes I know and those things cost the equivalent of a long haul holiday.

carefreeeee · 11/09/2017 11:41

Disagree with most posters that he is necessarily unreasonable. He should be able to have hobbies as well as children especially if that was part of the bargain originally. I have friends who regularly leave their very small children with grandparents for 1-2 weeks and go off kitesurfing or scuba diving abroad. They are lucky to have this option obviously, but to listen to some people they should never do this as 'family holiday' should be the number 1 priority at all times.

Twice in one year might be a bit excessive though, especially when children are very small. Maybe he needs to plan ahead a bit and decide which trip he wants to do most. When they are say secondary age he might be able to step it up again.

On the other hand it sounds like the situation is a bit unfair and the OP would benefit from some extra time to herself. Maybe you can negotiate so that you have some more time away such as days with friends or weekends.

TrailingWife · 11/09/2017 12:14

@Tobythecat I agree with you. Intentionally bringing a child into the world with a man who has made it clear that he doesn't mind if YOU have a child but his biggest priority will always be his hobby is silly thing to do.

To me, the man lacks character. I've seen so many people take on raising kids that aren't even theirs that I do think that a person who can't manage to make their own children a priority is just a low life. Yet, the OP chose to have children with him when he was right up front about the fact that he wasn't interested in raising them.

I think she needs to re-negotiate the deal.

Aeviternity · 11/09/2017 12:25

The issue here is not travel. I travel. My DH travels. We enjoy travel. We each permit the other travel and ensure disruption is minimised. There's little point telling you two to sit down and divide up the travel budget, because of the massive glaring other issue.

The issue is: "...thinks he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children"

Can people PLEASE stop procreating with men who don't want children and have openly stated that they will continue to punish you for 'forcing' them to have children for the rest of your sorrowful, awful marriage? This is about the third or fourth reference I've seen this WEEk of women giving their husbands freedom not because of mutual agreement but because "he says it's all my fault we have kids and I wanted them so now I have to sit here while he says 'not my problem'."

Your children deserve so much more than a man who states "I didn't want them anyway" or "you wanted them more than I did."

Roomster101 · 11/09/2017 12:39

I think I would leave DH if he suggested that he should be able to do what he wants because he didn't want children. What kind of father would say that? Is he going to give that as a reason for not doing his fair share for the rest of their childhoods?

LagunaBubbles · 11/09/2017 12:43

Your children deserve so much more than a man who states "I didn't want them anyway" or "you wanted them more than I did.

Absolutely agree with this.

Mittens1969 · 11/09/2017 12:50

The OP has said that he is actually a good hands-on dad when he's around. The issue is that if he goes on this long-haul flight there won't be enough money left for a family holiday. He's thrown this at her probably because of what she said about there not being enough money. 'I didn't want them in the first place.'

Jux · 11/09/2017 12:50

Well, he is a selfish, immatiure arsehole; you e absolute evidence of that in his sing that seriously nasty thing about who wante the children more (Did he want the sex? Yes. Did he sort out his own contraception? No? Then he wanted children.)

You could use what he said against him forever but you probably won't.

I would follow the suggestion of enjoying his absence to the full. Tell him that you'll have a lovely time without him and your bond with the children will be strengthened immeasurably. Suggest he does it 3 or 4 times a year (if he can save for it), and you and the children will manage perfectly well without him. Without him - emphasise that a lot.

If he's arrogant enough to go after all that, then I think you have bigger problems.

averylongtimeago · 11/09/2017 12:55

Hmm been thinking about this, you could always suggest going with him and making a family holiday out of it.
Bet he would live that, the selfish git.

pigsDOfly · 11/09/2017 12:56

I used to have a neighbour whose husband liked to go off to pursue his hobby of walking and would take about 4 holidays a year by himself, one of which would usually be over christmas.

I think they ended up divorcing eventually.

My exh thought his hobbies took precedence over family life too.

These men seem to forget that they are no longer single men who can just please themselves. And saying, you were the one who wanted the DCs so you can just get on with it, shows just exactly how selfish and, frankly, unkind he is.

ToneDeafHamster · 11/09/2017 12:57

Sounds like a cunt to me.

welshmist · 11/09/2017 13:02

Yes Helena the hobby choice is important if like my partner it is legs of round the world race, fishing etc. the he does go alone I have zero interest in these things. He has been away for three weeks at a time. I would save my money for a girls long weekend abroad and leave him with the children, you do not all need to be together.

Runningpear · 11/09/2017 13:06

His attitude is beyond selfish, and this comment ;
he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children and agreed he could carry on spending time on his hobby if we had them
Is one of the most dowright selfish attitudes I could imagine. So he thinks he can basically opt of being engaged with his kids?

Oblomov17 · 11/09/2017 13:07

I actually disagree with everyone!! oh dear!!

I cant believe Op hadn't considered some of the issues before.
He gets to spend £300-400 on what he wants. So, presumably, you do too?
So why didn't you save your £300-400 and save for a holiday yourself. The fact you haven't been abroad is your choice. You are not a martyr, or a doormat.

Why, did you not agree all of this before. Put aside a bit towards holiday saving. Aside form the £300-400?
Then there would be enough and you wouldn't be quibbling.

If you loved someone and their hobby was THAT important to them, why would you not do everything, within reason to facilitate them doing it.

Sit down and discuss. You having more free time, you going away and him looking after kids, setting up a separate holiday fund etc etc. then this issue wont be there, will it?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/09/2017 13:08

The comment about not really being bothered about the children would have me at the solicitors.

As for hobby holidays, DH and I sometimes arrange family holidays where each of us gets a couple of days off doing our own hobby on the holiday, while the other manages all of the children. Sometimes one of us goes a day earlier or stays a day longer. It works for us because it is fair.

We never did it when we had a baby and toddler though, too much hard work. No separate holidays at all in the toddler years. It was all hands on deck at all times. Either one of us even working late was negotiated.

Did you know he doesn't want his children? Or is this news to you?

Oblomov17 · 11/09/2017 13:09

No Mn'er EVER had a hobby, cycling, painting watercolours etc, that took them off. Away from family time.
Oh NO. NEVER!!
Selfish mummies....

Aside from the 'you wanted them more' comment, which was very bad, I cant see where all the 'TWAT' hatred is coming from?

Oblomov17 · 11/09/2017 13:10

And no. I don't have such a hobby. I don't actually have any hobbies. But that is MY choice.
Just for the record.

5rivers7hills · 11/09/2017 13:10

^This

How idiotic to have children with someone who set out clearly his intentions of not being a 'family man'.

rookiemere · 11/09/2017 13:10

I posted a thread about DHs hobby a couple of months ago . Sadly I don't think it's unusual for men to prioritise their hobbies above lots of other things. However one thing DH would never do is be in the situation where hobby time prevented family holidays.

The thing about the money and you wanting the DCs - those to me are side issues - key thing here is his actions are telling you that his hobby is more important to him than his family.

What you do with that I'm not sure tbh. Maybe sit down and agree parameters so hobby time can take five days of annual leave and no more, but if he doesn't get the really basic concept of some sort of equality in marriage and parenthood I'm not sure I could live with that.

Do you work OP ?

littlebird7 · 11/09/2017 13:16

Jeez. I don't think you needed to come on here to know he is very selfish and self absorbed.

What are you going to do?

If it were me, I would be making a compromise. Once the family holiday is booked and paid for, and various agreed maintenance is spent on the house. Then and only then will you go on the hobby holiday ONCE a year, and definitely not twice. He may need to get a second job, save his monthly allowance to take you all (not touching yours) if his hobby is that important he will do it. Your children deserve a family holiday first and foremost, there is no way I would compromise on this!!

welshmist · 11/09/2017 13:22

Family holidays are overrated when you consider you both compromise to go somewhere the kids will enjoy. I tell ya at times if it wasn`t for my kindle I would have caught the next plane home.

chocorabbit · 11/09/2017 13:24

I am shocked at the amount of posts I have lately seen about entitled "D"Hs

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