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Original poster

Dh wants to go on a long haul trip alone

140 replies

Tortycat · 10/09/2017 23:41

Dh wants to go on a long haul holiday to persue his hobby. He goes at least once per year since we've had children (3 and 6 months) - it used to be more. He went earlier this year but now wants to go again. I'm unhsppy about this as
A) it costs a lot of money which, whilst we can afford, could be spent on better things eg family holiday, maintenance to house etc
B) it leaves me on my own with the dc for 8 days (we have no family to help)
C) he then doesnt have enough annual leave for a week away for all of us before Xmas which we were hoping to have. Our holiday will end up more like a long weekend which clearly restricts our options. (Though we did have 2 weeks in the uk earlier this summer)

I dont usually have a problem with his trips but do this time as its the second one this year and for the reasons above. I havent been abroad since before pregnant with first dc, and only ever had 1 night away alone since eldest dc born.

Dh says he's entitled to his own spending money (we have £300-400 each per month to spend on ourselves, though this trip will need an 'advance'), and thinks he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children and agreed he could carry on spending time on his hobby if we had them.

Wibu??

OP posts:
averylongtimeago · 11/09/2017 07:46

What on earth are these "hobbies" that cost so much in both money and time? And this one requires two long haul holidays that the DW isn't welcome on.
Where is he going? Thailand?

RonSwansonsMoustache · 11/09/2017 07:52

Why do people put up with this bollocks? Or have children with people who clearly don't want them and aren't interested?

OP he is a selfish fucker and not a good father. He doesn't care that you haven't had a holiday or that your kids haven't had a holiday - all he cares about is his hobby and carrying on as if he didn't have children. I suggest you tell him you're indulging in your new hobby of child-free time and go off on your own, leaving him to actually be a parent.

RandomMess · 11/09/2017 07:56

Would he support you going away for 8 days and him using his leave to look after the DC?

I would consider it so long as he didn't go away next year...

eurochick · 11/09/2017 08:00

I bet it's golf. Golfers always seem to be selfish arse holes.

LakieLady · 11/09/2017 08:01

I think if one of you has an expensive hobby that takes them away from the family, the other should have an equivalent amount of money and time away from the family to do whatever the fuck they want.

It's only fair, after all.

He'd have to use some of his precious leave to look after DCs while you go on a yoga retreat in Bali, or whale-watching in California or whatever.

Ceto · 11/09/2017 08:06

Ask him when the children agreed to cut back financially and do without their father so he could pursue his hobby.

Rachie1973 · 11/09/2017 08:06

My husband used to fish in Ireland for 8 days a year.

He actually said it wasn't fair on me, but hey he is a wonderful bloke and always saved the cash from his own monthly spends.

He wouldn't ever have dreamed of going if it would hurt or upset me though, and I wouldn't have missed out on anything if the money had been needed.

Sadly he can't anymore due to his health.

wowfudge · 11/09/2017 08:07

I'd put money on it being bloody diving. If you aren't both into it it's a selfish hobby which involves bogging off most weekends and expensive long haul trips. Yes ExH - I am reminded of you!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/09/2017 08:07

I am a bit torn on this as everyone deserves their me time

I would be inclined to negotiate my own time off and my own mini break back . . ..

That would mean more to me than home improvements to be honest !

Lulalu · 11/09/2017 08:14

How dare he try and justify himself by saying you wanted the children more than him!!!Shock. How can he possibly say that now that they are here?
Regardless of this trip or that trip, that is a despicable thing to say.
He is making you feel guilty for having his kids!! Unbelievable.
Will he be letting the children know this when they are older - "Yes kids, it was your mum who actually wanted you both. I just went along with it as long as I could still go in my holidays."
Words fail me!
I say all this as someone with a workaholic DH who has always done a whole array of hobbies /trips away to boot. It's the attitude that counts though. If he was to say, "Look I really want to do this. How about I take the kids for a few weekends so you can get some time?" Or "I'll only do this if it's doesn't interfere with family holidays as you and the kids deserve that more than anything else." That would be different.
As it is, he is prioritising himself and trying to make you and his own DC feel like a ball and chain. Ugh.

RubyWinterstorm · 11/09/2017 08:15

As long as you get to do the same, and actually DO IT as well.

It is very common for men to get time consuming hobbies when kids are small. It is their "get out of jail card"

It is rather selfish behaviour.

The line that you wanted kids more than him would set off alarm bells. Was he not fully committed then? Is he not now? Is that another "get out of jail card" for when things get tough ("well, it was YOU who wanted them")

He sounds a bit of a wanker. But if you, like many women, just accept this is your lot, then at least make sure it goes both ways and you get equal amount of time off too (hobby or no hobby)

StatueInTheSky · 11/09/2017 08:18

ask him how much HobbyTime he thinks he will get whilst paying CM and doing 50/50 care for two preschoolers??

and yes...please do elaborate on the "immovable" attitude

Peanutbuttercheese · 11/09/2017 08:24

He is selfish for sure but I'm genuinely interested in what the exact deal was in having dc. There are always posts on here where women are desperate for dc or more dc and their partners aren't.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 11/09/2017 08:26

I used to encourage exdh to go to the US for sport. I'd go away with my friends. Present dh wouldn't want to go away without me nor I him.

Your dh is entitled.

Willow2017 · 11/09/2017 08:28

Why the hell does he deserve 2 lots of 'me time' abroad a year while op and her kids are losing out on thier planned family holiday at Xmas?

Going on holiday in your own with two tiny kids is hardly a holiday for op while her dh goes off enjoying himself on in his own.

turbohamster · 11/09/2017 08:35

Where have people read no family holiday in 3 years? OP says they had 2 weeks away in the summer

Roomster101 · 11/09/2017 08:37

I think he is being selfidh considering your children are so young. It will be fair enough for him to have time away once the children are a bit older but you should have similar time away at that point. If he is anything like my DH, a holidaying without family doesn't seem so attractive when you know that it means a week or so looking after the children by himself when you go on your holiday.

MorrisZapp · 11/09/2017 08:38

Yes I'd like to hear more about the pre kids negotiations. On face value it seems fair enough to me.

'I want another child'
'well I don't, because it means giving up too much personal time'
'don't worry, I'm happy for you to go off on trips, I'll hold the fort'

inchyrablue · 11/09/2017 08:41

I totally agree with everyone about his staggering selfishness.

Would it be possible for you to take the dc to somewhere with built in child care for a couple of days whilst he is away? Weekends can be expensive, but they very often have great deals mid week in term time. even one night would be worth it for you.

BarbaraofSevillle · 11/09/2017 08:48

I can't imagine any hobby that really requires even leaving Britain, never mind Europe. Unless he wants to go and see a NASCAR race or something

I'm also guessing scuba diving. Yes you can do it in the UK and it can be fabulous, but it's always going to be colder and possibly darker and he will need a drysuit, which not everyone has and the OP may not want him to get as it could easily cost £1k+.

If he wants to dive in the next 6-9 months and he wants it to be not cold, he needs to go abroad, although it doesn't need to be long haul and it's still using leave and time away from the family whether he does it in the UK or the Maldives.

But its only reasonable for him to go away for a week without family if the OP gets to do this too and leave the DH at home with the DCs. OP I suggest you find a hobby that requires you to do this. Do you fancy scuba diving in the Maldives once a year on your own?

BarbaraofSevillle · 11/09/2017 08:49

But it sounds like the OPs DH and a lot of similar DHs consider the DCs to be the OPs 'hobby'.

Willow2017 · 11/09/2017 08:58

Turbo
She also days she hadn't hasn't been abroad in over 3 years yet he goes every year and wants to go twice this year. She has had 1 night away on her own in 3 years.

How does that justify dp buggering off on his own abroad twice a year?

OP said she was happy for him to spend time on his hobby but now he wants to spend twice as much time at the expense of their family holiday at Xmas. That's not fair at all.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 11/09/2017 09:04

What is his hobby, deep sea diving in Thailand ?

Parker231 · 11/09/2017 09:11

What would he do for annual leave if he needed to take a week off work so that you could go away for your hobby?

NataliaOsipova · 11/09/2017 09:22

and thinks he should be able to go away as i was the one who most wanted children and agreed he could carry on spending time on his hobby if we had them

I always roll my eyes at the number of LTB comments on here, but in this case, I'm going to join the chorus for the first time. They are his children. They exist. They certainly deserve not to be pawns in a game of "who wanted them most". This is a disgustingly immature comment and I'd be seriously, seriously wondering what sort of man I'd married. Let him go - but tell him to take his stuff with him and go for good. Your kids deserve better than that.

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