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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 11/09/2017 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 11/09/2017 10:15

I have genuinely never had this conversation in real life.

I have been a single parent from day 1 - I have been SAHM, WOHM and am currently a SFHM (shirk from home mum). I think if anyone has ever tried to tell me they had a harder/more difficult/more boring life than me I've just smiled and said "I'm sorry things are tough for you".

I am a little envious of those who have a second salary coming in or one salary enough to support me going to the gym though!

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 10:24

It's not my ideal being financially supported so I can swan around all day,

A little unfair to the working partner.

GahBuggerit · 11/09/2017 10:25

Yes but, again just IME, the night wakings, the cluster feeding, all that stuff was ok for me to handle as I had more time to do all the day to day stuff so was far less stressed (and could sometimes squeeze a nap in when baby slept). And above all else, I had loads of time to spend with them which made all that worthwhile.

Like now, I expect a SAHM with just a baby won't have to sort out 2 school uniforms, making sure they are washed/ironed, packed lunches are done, homework has been done/helped with, dealing with bickering between them both, sorted out umpteen dress up outfits for various school engagement activities...................but due to their circumstances they may struggle much more than I am now. Just as a SAHM with a baby, and school age children will have all that ^^ AND the baby to contend with so will have more to do than me, but they may find it easier etc - as I say its all subjective.

Like loads of us are saying, its really not a competition, kids, WOHM, SAHM etc all bring their own challenges at different stages. I really wouldnt say broadly any one is easier than the other (can onyl speak for myself), but I will challenge people who say that I dont have the same amount of home related things to do as a SAHM because, having done both, I can truthfully and categorically say that I do have the same amount of stuff to do now as I did when I was a SAHM.

Pengggwn · 11/09/2017 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissDuke · 11/09/2017 10:27

I cannot say I have ever heard anyone say that statement as I don't actually know anyone who is a SAHM, all the parents that I know at least work part time. It is just the done thing in my area. However I took about 14 months maternity leave with each child by the time I added on annual leave, and I found it lovely, so relaxing. I find it hard to remember everything that needs done when I am juggling life with work, whereas when I was off I was so on the ball and had so much time to help to sort things out for the children.

Obviously because I was working immediately prior to each maternity leave I was used to the frantic juggling of life, so stopping work gave me more time to sort out other things. I also took a couple of months off last year between jobs as I was so exhausted and drained I needed a break. I appreciate that for some, going to work is a break and that is ok too, everyone is different. Maybe it depends too on your job, I have an extremely busy hospital job that is definitely much harder work than looking after my children is! However my having a career is very important to us as a family for various reasons.

I am not saying being a SAHM is easy, just that it was for me because I was used to such a fast paced, intense job (eg I work 13 hour shifts and for the last month I have had one 15 min break during each shift). So for me being off with the children is a break. I am off today and am stuck in the house due to having workmen in, and am sitting chilling with a cuppa and my laptop. For me, this is bliss!

I do think the grass is always greener and all that, other peoples lives always look easier when in reality it just isn't true.

GahBuggerit · 11/09/2017 10:30

That's exactly what I've been saying Pengwynn. Its subjective.

I adored looking after my DC as babies and never would have termed it relentless, even though they were hard work and I dont think I had a decent nights sleep from 2008 - 2011!! My friend thinks I'm a bitch because I moan about my now school aged DC being pains in the arses and extremely hard work because she loves this stage. So yes its definitely subjective. Which is why this SAHM/WOHM argument is so completely pointless.

Fartypant · 11/09/2017 10:31

I think what is causing OP and others angst, is that they are assigning value to busyness. No one is saying busier people are 'better'

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 10:33

Why strive to be busy?

I strive to be unbusy.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 10:38

I don't assign value to busyness, I think that's why this whole thing confuses me, like when people try to one up me if I dare say I'm tired, or ask if I'm going to immediately fill the child free time I now get. I feel like everyone's rushing to be the most tired and most busy as if that's what life is all about and I just do not get it. The child free time obviously has me pondering lol x

OP posts:
hairymaryquitecontrary · 11/09/2017 10:40

Some people absolutely assign great value to business, as in "I am so much busier than you, I work harder than you, I am better than you".
It's super twatty.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 10:44

Ha ha! Well said :-)

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/09/2017 10:45

The only time I have ever heard this said has been on mn and in response to posts that tacitly (and sometimes overtly) criticise working mums. I think the objection usually comes in response to comments referring to 'full time mums' and the response is usually 'I too am a mum all the time, even when I'm working'. What you describe is a variation of that op.

I'm currently on mat leave with a 9mo and a soon to be 7yo. I've loved mat leave and have found it easy, and enjoyable, both times. However if I knew that this was it for several years I'm sure I'd find it harder. I adore my children but wouldn't be satisfied personally if I did this all day every day for years. I'd find it relentlessly boring. Not the kids, but all the drudgery household stuff that comes with it with no let up. And that's with a dh who does his fair share of the work.

But without doubt the hardest time of my life was going back to work full time after ds. I didn't feel like I was doing either 'role' particularly well and my mental health suffered. We made some adjustments and regained some balance and got over it, but I was emotionally exhausted.

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 10:46

But without doubt the hardest time of my life was going back to work full time after ds. I didn't feel like I was doing either 'role' particularly well and my mental health suffered. We made some adjustments and regained some balance and got over it, but I was emotionally exhausted.

That sounds hard.
Not a situation I would want to do if I could avoid it.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 10:49

Why should this be a competition? 30 or 40 years ago women were being slated for going to work and now the tables have turned. It seems to be the baby boomer generation that nag about our generation going back to work yet many were housewives until their kids began school or beyond. They also had a network of mums as there were others like them. SAHMs now can be isolated as are in the majority as time goes on. There are just social trends and people need to stop judging and having to prove themselves with a list of what they do each day. Everyone should just be friends and support each other.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 10:50

p.s. I meant SAHMs are in the minority! typo

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/09/2017 10:51

I'd definitely underestimated the emotional toll Cailleach but it wasn't helped by my (female) boss at the time and the fact that there were hugely stressful changes happening at work in an already quite stressful job. I hope I'm better equipped to go back this time.

plantsitter · 11/09/2017 10:54

'social trends' don't happen without a bit of social control of those who don't conform though... These days that takes the form of snippy mumsnet posts along with other stuff.

I agree people should stop judging but I don't think they will since I'm fairly sure humans haven't in the last 200k years or so.

Fartypant · 11/09/2017 10:54

charlotte I think it depends on social class to some extent. The women in our family have always worked

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 10:55

p.p.s. Does anyone else have a mother in law that makes comments about going back to work and undermines them? Bearing in mind this woman offers no financial support. I had children late and am not reliant on my husband fully for support either as I have some savings to live off from my full-time working single days. Once these run out I will consider my options but what is wrong with being a SAHM for now. It doesn't have to be forever.

gandalf456 · 11/09/2017 10:56

In reply to op, unlikely. If you both work, the other work is likely to be more evenly split

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 10:57

I don't have a MIL.

BlackeyedSusan · 11/09/2017 10:57

there will be the same amount of general housework. (washing up, cooking etc)

there may be more washing. (work and home clothes)

child related stuff may be different as sahp are doing childcare and the children are in the house wrecking it all day. (or is that just mine) however, you can get stuff done in the day at the same time as childcare.

as a sahp I definitely think my role is easier. my friend worked pt at first and she found work days easier.

as previous posters said it depends on the job, the children, the adult involved the situtaion you are in etc.

hairymaryquitecontrary · 11/09/2017 10:59

There isn't as much housework if you are all out of the house all day, at all. You're not there to make as much mess.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:00

Fartypant - that is true. People on benefits also get judged, the aristocracy get judged and those in between. Envy is not a healthy thing. I'm from a working family too (both parents and grandparents before them etc etc).

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