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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
splendidisolation · 11/09/2017 09:31

SAHMs are absolutely kidding themselves.

My Mum worked full time and was a single mother, I have no idea how she did it because she must have been bloody exhausted.

She cooked from scratch at the weekends and froze the meals for the week, ditto with cleaning and laundry. She always made time to do creative stuff with us in the evenings and sporty stuff at the weekends.

She was a freaking hero and I think the fact she worked was excellent in shaping us. It also means that when we all turned 18 we set off for our own adventures without a glance behind because we knew she was passionate about her career and would be pursuing that with extra time for herself, rather than dripping around the house missing us and her role as a mother.

I think my mother saw herself as a woman and a professional first and foremost and a mother in second place. Not that we were ever made to feel second best, but rather that she saw her children as a wonderful addition to her life, rather than being her entire life. In retrospect, I think it taught us all a lot about independence and what it means to be a fulfilled woman.

GahBuggerit · 11/09/2017 09:32

TheDc - is that not what Ive said - different circumstances?

My house isnt tidy in the week, it could be, but it's not, do I do all the housework at weekends. While I was a SAHM my weekends were totally free, so no contradiction at all, just different timings of when I do all the same stuff that I have to do.

Pengggwn · 11/09/2017 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 09:36

SAHMs are absolutely kidding themselves.

What do you mean by that exactly?

thedcbrokemybank · 11/09/2017 09:43

GahBuggerit so whilst you are doing your cleaning at the weekend who is looking after your dc? Look I am really not having a go. I totally respect working parents. I am in a position where I have had children at home for 12 years. I have had 2 days where all my dc are now in school. I am currently evaluating my options. I would like to go back to work but I will have to make choices. I could not physically (and mentally) do everything I do now and work. My issues lies with people who say they work and do everything I do just because I am a SAHM which does not take into account the individual differences we have in our lives. However I also recognise that I am in a very fortunate position to be able to make that choice.

TrueRainbow · 11/09/2017 09:45

Why do you need someone to look after kids whilst you clean? Confused

GetAHaircutCarl · 11/09/2017 09:48

I think how busy you feel depends on personality type.

Some people seem overwhelmed and frazzled by moderate responsibilities. Others seem capable of shouldering Herculean levels of activity.

This is obvious in every work place. And is obvious amongst SAHPs.

I'm a very energised person who can take on a lot without feeling stressed. I've always been the same. I don't feel particularly busy, but I know other people feel I am ( because they tell me).

Fartypant · 11/09/2017 09:50

It was never meant to be a comparison thread, who has It harder etc, it was meant to point out that it was non comparable. I guess that it can only ever go one way despite the meaning of this thread because of the amount of mums with a chip on their shoulder

It would seem that it is you that has a chip in their shoulder. You started the thread. I NEVER have this conversation IRL. It's not something I think about

splendidisolation · 11/09/2017 09:52

Callie just that it's insane to me how you could have an extra 40 hours in the week to play with but not admit you have it easier than working Mums who also cook from scratch, do household admin, cleaning, laundry, caring for elderly relatives, kids activities, food shopping, appointments, etc. when your kids are at school all day.

Fartypant · 11/09/2017 09:54

splendid, that's a lovely post about your mum Flowers

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 09:55

No not really fartypants. Like I said up thread, my life is pretty easy. I made the thread because it's something I hear a lot and it made no sense to me as everyone's lives are so different.

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 11/09/2017 09:55

I think how busy you feel depends on personality type.

That's a really good point. Different people have a different tolerance for activity - and one way isn't necessarily better than another.

bibliomania · 11/09/2017 09:55

Before I nailed myself to the cross this morning, I carved the cross myself and hand-forged the nails, so there.

Completely agree, OP, that competitive martyrdom is boring. The ones that annoy me most are the people who talk about the pressure of having to walk the dogs and manage the garden. Nope, that's leisure. If you don't like doing it, rehome the dog and let nature reclaim the garden.

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 09:57

splendid- of course I have it easier.

Can't say it was that way when I had two kids under the age of 3 and was a SAHM.

I now have a deliciously easy life, calm home, no rush, time to grow herbs and photograph the wildlife that wanders into my garden.

Fartypant · 11/09/2017 09:57

turn, it is definitely the 'mental load' that does me in as a SP and as a WOHP. Being responsible for EVERYTHING. Good illustration

SuzukiLi · 11/09/2017 10:00

I say hats off to SAHM. I was one for 3 years and I would rather blow my brains out than ever do that again.
I am definitely much busier as a working mum though.

GetAHaircutCarl · 11/09/2017 10:03

natalia I think in many ways we can't help our predisposition. It seems innate.

My mum always says I was a sunny baby. And I'm still and our and out optimist. So naturally that extends to how I parent and run my home as well as other aspects of life. I tend not to feel especially busy/over scheduled.

GahBuggerit · 11/09/2017 10:04

"GahBuggerit so whilst you are doing your cleaning at the weekend who is looking after your dc?"

Me. I have to do both. At the same time.

"Look I am really not having a go"

I never felt like you were? Ive said absolutely nothing for you to have a go at so of course I know you aren't having a go Confused

"My issues lies with people who say they work and do everything I do just because I am a SAHM which does not take into account the individual differences we have in our lives. However I also recognise that I am in a very fortunate position to be able to make that choice."

Which is why I've always said its subjective. But it is fact that, for me anyway, I have the exact same amount of stuff to do as a SAHM. Obviously I have no idea whether my WOHM life is harder than your SAHM life, all I can base my judgement on is when I was a SAHM and found it to be an absolute breeze in comparison to my WOHM life now.

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 10:07

I have the exact same amount of stuff to do as a SAHM

You don't.

Where are your kids while you work?

splendidisolation · 11/09/2017 10:08

What about when the kids get to school age?

LakieLady · 11/09/2017 10:09

Imo, being at home with pre-school age kids is a full-time job, unless you just stick them in front of CBeebies all day.

Toddlers are absolutely exhausting imo, and they require constant attention except when they're asleep.

PaintingByNumbers · 11/09/2017 10:11

Its when the kids are school age that it changed, for me. Before then, my sahm 'job' was like being a childminder, and I think most people see that as a job, not lazing around? Once all kids were in school, life got much easier. It was still different to being a wohm as they dont get half as much time at the gym or in coffee shops Grin . In the end, I went back to work full time.

GahBuggerit · 11/09/2017 10:11

In school.

So I do all the 'stuff' (as in everything else apart from the best bit - spending loads of time with the kids, or childcare) that a SAHM would do in a more concentrated time.

hairymaryquitecontrary · 11/09/2017 10:14

It's usually not true though, is it? Someone said it to me a while ago and I was like, wait, no you don't. Your children are in school and after school, I have a baby and a toddler all day. You don't do what I do at all. Yours is neither more or less impressive but it's quite different.

But it's not a fucking competition anyway, so who cares? I can't stand competitive workloads/tiredness etc.

GahBuggerit · 11/09/2017 10:14

I should say its the best bit, but yes also very tiring, I did love being a SAHM though even though it was exhausting in a different way to how exhausted I am now just trying to keep up with everything!

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