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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
streetface · 11/09/2017 11:00

I have seen this said a lot on social media.

Having had three children and worked full time, part time and be a stay at home mum I can tell you this.

Absolutely NONE of those situations dictates how busy you are.

It can depend on;
*Your baby / child / toddler. One child can be a doddle, the next an utter nightmare and working full time is easier / more relaxing.

  • Your partner and wider support network. Having once lived with a man-child I can categorically tell you being a single parent of two working evenings and all weekend was easier than being a SAHM.

*Your temperament. Some SAHM's may do a little housework and have time for a little day time telly. Others may find themselves so consumed with having a perfectly clean home, perfect home cooked meals and endless after school activities they are up at 5 and work 14 hours straight. Everyone has different house standards.

*What else you have going on in your life. There was a time in my life my Stay At Home status actually meant dealing with loads of paperwork for a house move, dealing with the fuckwits at tax credits who could not get their heads around me getting re-married (hours and hours of calls and letters) dealing with all sorts of legal and financial matters (another story), dealing with loads of hospital appointments as expecting a baby and had complications and doing this all while home studying with the O U for a masters degree. This situation was by far the most difficult, stressful and busy.

*How stressful / flexible and demanding your job is in comparison to your home life.

I now work full time and have 3 kids and expecting my 4th. I have a supportive husband who really pulls his weight and older kids who help out a lot too. My toddler who is a nightmare is with a childminder then my husband until I get home and I get to skive off all the hard bits and tantrums :)

So the point is, how busy someone is, has bugger all to do with employment / non employment.

SoggyTuesday · 11/09/2017 11:01

Can we just give up the competition between working parent vs. SAHP? I don't understand why other peoples life choice should take up so much mind space?

SamShamAndThePharaohs · 11/09/2017 11:04

I think as well that some people think being a SAHM is just like maternity leave. In my experience, my friends who were going back to work after maternity leave approached that year noticeably differently to me, though I realise this may just be my experience. I found that because they were going back to work they saw it more as a hard-earned year off and so often went for cake and coffee, went on more expensive days out than I did etc, and didn't really take on much more housework during that year because they argued it was maternity leave not housework leave.

I always knew I wasn't going back to work anytime soon so I never felt like I was having a break, I felt like I had switched to a mum and housewife role for the indefinite future. I did, and do, take my DCs out of course, and I'm not saying having a baby is a walk in the park either! But I do suspect that when my mum friends are a little envious that I'm a SAHM, they imagine lots of going for cake, pottering around the shops, going to the zoo, when the reality for me is doing lots of cooking and cleaning, keeping DCs entertained on a budget and doing similar things each week.

GahBuggerit · 11/09/2017 11:05

Hairy - not in my case, the house just stays generally messy from 7.30am (when I leave for work) and 6.30pm (when I get home), I tidy up for about an hour, it gets messy again, we go to bed, rinse/repeat until weekend when that's all I pretty much do Grin

Mrsfrumble · 11/09/2017 11:06

I'm so very glad that no one I know in real life seems to give a crap about any of this. I have friends who work part-time, full-time, or not at all. Have preschoolers, school-agers or children who have left home. Some went back to work when their children were babies, some much later, and some never will. I even know a stay-at-home wife, who has no plans to have children or work outside the home.

And love them all as I do, I have no desire to know how they spend every moment of their waking hours. If they say they are tired and busy, I take them at face value and sympathise.

I must be missing something...

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:06

Soggytuesday - sadly I have faced judgement from neighbours and relatives and some friends about being a SAHM. Unless I'm living under someone's roof and they are supporting me I don't think it is their business. Ok, I admit sometimes people are just making conversation but I do sense an underlying judgment. I had judgment for taking too much maternity time (I was unemployed due to a work contract finishing due to ill health and having to relocate). I would just like a clever stock response to give so I can keep people quiet without having to tell them my life history. Any ideas folks
? :-)

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:07

Mrsfrumble - you are fortunate to be surrounded by friends like that.

GahBuggerit · 11/09/2017 11:08

Have to agree there Mrs, its only on MN that I've come across this bizarre competition Confused

ShellyBoobs · 11/09/2017 11:08

I even know a stay-at-home wife, who has no plans to have children or work outside the home.

I know unemployed people, too.

Fartypant · 11/09/2017 11:10

That's hilarious samsham, so now working mums don't even do maternity leave 'properly'

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 11:10

Shellyboobs - and there's the judgement. You don't know her full story, and her husband is supporting her not you, so why judge?

OP posts:
plantsitter · 11/09/2017 11:13

Well, to be fair 'unemployed' is not necessarily a value judgement.

The government only uses it for people drawing benefit though. Otherwise it's 'not economically active'. None of those words are necessarily judgements.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:14

I have found judgment throughout my life. I was judged on not being high enough up on the career ladder, judged for being single etc and now I feel judgement about being a SAHM. I wish I didn't care and just ignored people but it's hard. I am not quick witted and get flumoxed when quizzed. I can see myself snapping at people eventually :-(

Fartypant · 11/09/2017 11:15

Oh for goodness sake, 'unemployed' is just a statement of fact, it's not a value judgement. Why do you need everyone to validate your choices. Quit gurning and get on with it

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/09/2017 11:15

I agree with Samsham on all except the housework. I saved for maternity leave to ensure I had enough to cover bills, mortgage etc plus extra to enable me to actually get out and about and enjoy it a bit. However I have another child to care for and as I'm not currently working and have more time to do it, I do the lions share of the housework. We don't have a cleaner. But yes, I've approached it as more of a holiday from work with the intention of enjoying it. It does make a difference I'm sure (unless money is no object to a sahm of course and I'm guessing that doesn't apply to many).

TalkinBoutNuthin · 11/09/2017 11:15

Our lives are all different, and our strengths are all different.

It would drive me bat shit crazy playing games with my children all day, and setting up craft activities for them. I would do a few, but packed them off to day care one day a week and volunteered in that time to keep my sanity.

I don't have parents to care for, because they're on the other side of the world. Neither do I get any help with childcare, again because my family are on the other side of the world. I'm also not obligated to give up part of my evenings or weekends to spend time with family, so was able to sign up my DC to whichever sporting activities they wanted.

I now work from home and care for a disabled DH. The physical load and juggle is a bit crap and difficult at times, but the mental load is agonising and slowly destroying me.

I get asked 'How do you cope?'. My answer is always 'What's the alternative?'

Mrsfrumble · 11/09/2017 11:15

Or perhaps I'm just spectacularly oblivious to other people's judgement Charlotte Grin

(Joking aside, I think that might actually be true because I spend most of my time on MN thinking "do people really care about that??)

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 11:15

Maybe I am thick skinned. I have never felt judged.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:18

Maybe Mrsfrumble. I should become less bothered rather than wasting a short life dwelling on other's views. I could just smile inanely when questioned and change the subject. I could be assertive and give a friendly response and then change the subject. I would become a recluse if I let the comments get to me enough.

WaxOnFeckOff · 11/09/2017 11:19

I think it's not comparable in the slightest when children are pre school. Once they are at school then I think it's easier to make comparisons.

SInce ours have been at school then dH and I both have worked full time. We don't have support so I started early so I could finish for school pick up and then make up hours working at home. DH would do school drop off or DC went to breakfast club depending on his shifts.

So, all other things being equal, we have more things that must be done in less time e.g. all the shopping, cooking, housework, clubs, paperwork etc.

However the SAHP might be equally busy but doing things to a better standard or doing other things that WOHP just never get round to.

It's stuff like my neighbour always saying to me to get fruit and veg from the market as it's better and cheaper. Fine maybe it is but as I work when it's on so I can't go. Or folk saying they shop about the different supermarkets for bargains, e.g Aldi and Lidl. I don't have the time to do that. I need to go where I know I'll be able to get everything I need in one shop.

I'm sure most SAHP with school aged children don't sit on the sofa watching tv all day but they are doing stuff which either doesn't get done by WOHP are are doing stuff during the day that frees them up in the evening.

I think comparing to people who have pre school children isn't on at all.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 11:19

Of course the term unemployment isn't in itself a judgement, but picking the stay at home wife out from that post to call her Unemployed was done in judgement. Also I'm not a stay at home wife, nor do I want to be so not asking anyone to validate the choice, just pointed it out.

OP posts:
Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 11:19

My neighbour ( works full time and forever rushing about) said to me last week- " you are so lucky not having to work".

Maybe that was a dig. I just smiled sweetly.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:21

Tbh I'm preparing myself for a further barrage of comments as ill health due to pregnancy have meant that our toddler son is in childcare one day a week. I live in a small fairly isoloated village which is nice in some ways and there are some lovely people but it can feel like a goldfish bowl too. I am a relative newcomer so the spotlight was on us for a bit.

DixieNormas · 11/09/2017 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:25

I just want to share that my mother said she was fully supportive of SAHM and admired me for wanting to be one yet one day I broke down in tears whilst visiting her (she lives a fair distance) saying I couldn't cope with being a mother. Her response:
'At least you are not back at work'. NICE!!! :-(