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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 11/09/2017 12:50

Great post Thenewaverage, and so true, for me anyway. The stuff that needs to be done didnt stop when I started back at work, it was just the stuff that I enjoyed that was sacrificed. I really would give anything to be able to be a SAHM again, especially if I could go back in time to when they were babies/toddlers, loved every single minute of it.

Kewcumber · 11/09/2017 12:54

*So you only work school hours Kewcucumber? You do all drops off and pick ups? That's part time hours isn't it?

Or do you use a childminder or family to fill the gaps?*

My DS is 11 so no need to do pick up and drop off for a good two years or so.

I work when he's at school and if I have more to do then I keep working when he's home or I work late in the evening. I earn about 1//6th of what I used to but when you have a child with SEN and no partner you need to be around more and a childmonder or family member just doesn't cut it in those situations.

Maybe I am unique but I don't think it's that uncommon for women to work the hours they can - I employ one so there's at least two of us. I am just pointing out that it is perfectly possible to do what "you" do and work as well particularly if you can work school hours.

I don;t much care what anyone else does frankly and have never compared myself in real life.

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 12:57

Maybe I am unique but I don't think it's that uncommon for women to work the hours they can

Maybe I am unusual too then.

Of my 6 closest friends ( all with children) 5 are self employed and fit their hours around their kids.

Maybe I move in odd circles.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 13:01

Birdsgotta fly - we are going backwards. Feminism movement in the 1960s and 1970s have backfired. Now women are expected to work AND bring up the kids and if they don't take this option they are judged. Working mothers also seem to get judged. We can't win!

LaurieMarlow · 11/09/2017 13:05

Thoroughly agree with the 'we are going backwards' point.

GetAHaircutCarl · 11/09/2017 13:07

We only ever used childcare the year I was a SAHM (yes, I'm contrary).

The rest of the time I've done flexible work around DC. And laterly, so has DH.

I have absolutely put in the hours of parenting (which definitely includes the mental load and of course providing financially).

Housework, I outsource where I can.

Kewcumber · 11/09/2017 13:07

We can netwrok virtually @cailleach666 !

CharlotteKe - I don;t want to win. I was to do what works for me and mostly I think adults should work to support themselves and their families equally. If you are lucky enough to be able to comfortably afford to not work and have one parent devoted to child rearing then good for you.

No-one has ever expressed an opinion on whether I should or shouldn;t work - they kind of assume as I am a grownup I will sort out my own finances (or starve). Maybe I just have nice friends and family.

RedSkyAtNight · 11/09/2017 13:08

I also work school hours and extra in the evening if needed. Not that unusual!

Possibly this is something for another thread, but I've definitely noticed among the very few SAHMs I know that a lot of what they do is unnecessary - almost as though they are trying to find themselves things to do to look busy. Examples being taking Y8 child to school (perfectly good bus), making breakfast and packing school bag for upper junior child, sitting with child while they do homework (no particular need for adult input) etc etc.

LaurieMarlow · 11/09/2017 13:10

I earn about 1//6th of what I used to

Well, this speaks for itself, doesn't it.

The 'fit around the kids' jobs are not well remunerated in the main.

Cailleach I suspect you are an exception to this, but you must understand you are not typical.

So, yes women, you can balance kids and career, but on the understanding you are paid far less than your market rate. While I totally get that suits people's needs, it's not exactly a triumph for the sisterhood, is it?

LaurieMarlow · 11/09/2017 13:11

Examples being taking Y8 child to school (perfectly good bus), making breakfast and packing school bag for upper junior child, sitting with child while they do homework (no particular need for adult input) etc etc.

Who are you to say those things are 'unnecessary'? Why do you get to decide that.

Gottalovesummer · 11/09/2017 13:11

My view as someone who has been in all situations : worked full time, been a SAHM and is now a childminder, that it's all work! Some of it unpaid though. It's definitely not easier, or less tiring being at home with toddlers all day, and I think we should all stop being so competitive about who has the busiest life.

LadyinCement · 11/09/2017 13:14

RedSkyAtNight - what a pleasant person you are... not.

sortingmyselfoutslowly · 11/09/2017 13:15

It depends what the job is as to how hard it is vs being at home. I have a professional career and am lucky to just work part time. My eldest is at school with a childminder for wraparound care and my youngest does 2 long days at nursery. We leave home at 7 am and get home at 6 pm. My job can be very emotionally draining and hard work (I'm a teacher). I do get the holudays though! I know get 9.30-2.30 to myself one day a week thanks to the 30 hours' funding and my youngest goes to a local pre school which he loves. It's so good to have time for appointments, batch cooking and cleaning plus a trip to the gym or an hour of daytime telly one day a week. I've never had any time at home with both children in childcare so it's a luxury. We don't have family you help us and my husband works long hours and goes away for work often. I've felt envious of friends with their mum round the corner. Everyone has different circumstances. Bigger houses need more cleaning. Children with special diets require more work cooking meals. Those with special needs require different care, hospital appointments etc. So YANBU OP.

sortingmyselfoutslowly · 11/09/2017 13:15

Argh typos

BuckinhamL · 11/09/2017 13:16

Does it really matter? Everyone's life is it different and you live it for yourself and your family, not to compare to others in some sort of hardship league.

Personally, I found working much more trying than being home - I used to work compressed hours, so had days home with DCs and other days worked long hours at the office, and the days home were a blessing compared to the days at work. However, that's purely down to my own circumstances, and the challenges are so different as to be basically incomparable - my 3 year old DD never asked me to prepare a six-month budget incorporating cuts to revenue spend with a day's notice; on the other hand, my line manager never peed on me (it's not that kind of an office).

Kewcumber · 11/09/2017 13:16

"it's not exactly a triumph for the sisterhood, is it?"

No (though I did earn eye watering amounts of money in the olden days if that makes any differnce)

In my case, no sisterhood snipes necessary - I am a single parent by choice so it's not a case of the man swanning around earning a pile and me ekeing out a pittance. I am the only parent so a bit differnce.

We may not have come far enough but return to the 60's and 70's when my mum couldn't get a mortgage on her own and was expected to stop work when she had children - no thanks.

Mrsfrumble · 11/09/2017 13:16

Women(in particular) who aren't in paid employment tend to help neighbours/Care for family members/volunteer in the community.

This is really good point birdsgotta. Every single 60 and 70 something woman that I know who is either retired does a significant amount of volunteering. And as the retirement age rises, that pool of really useful citizens with time on their hands and reasonable good health will shrink.

RedSkyAtNight · 11/09/2017 13:17

They are unnecessary from the point of view of not being necessary (is that not self explanatory?) as there are other alternatives that most people would consider reasonable.

GetAHaircutCarl · 11/09/2017 13:17

laurie that can happen but not always.

I have had a very well paid career. And despite everyone telling DH his career would be in tatters if he worked less in the office and was around more for the DC, he's had some of the best financial years ever.

If the OP is about not making assumptions, then that has to apply to working parents too.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 13:20

Of course it applies to working parents too, even non parents.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 11/09/2017 13:21

Getahaircut

My point is as follows: *The 'fit around the kids' jobs are not well remunerated in the main.:

I don't see how what you posted refutes that. And note my use of the words 'in the main.'

GetAHaircutCarl · 11/09/2017 13:22

For quite some time, many SAHMs assumed I was one too. Because I was around IYSWIM.

When they finally realised I worked, most were like Shock, how do you fit that in?

Hobbitfeet32 · 11/09/2017 13:23

I have just written down my routines on working and non working days and it seems that similar amounts of essential activities take place on both days, however on my non working days I do get to do more of the nice things with my children and spend more time with them. I don't think one is easier than the other, just different however on my days off I can choose how much or how little I do whereas in work days life is more pressured.

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 13:24

"it's not exactly a triumph for the sisterhood, is it?"

I don't know.

I now earn twice what I earned before having kids and that was full time.
I can earn in a day what I used to earn in a week.

Hence I choose to work only 15 hours a week.

GetAHaircutCarl · 11/09/2017 13:26

laurie I'm not trying to refute anything. We're not in court Grin.

Just pointing out that you can't make assumptions. If a SAHP were to say that I have not done as much parenting as them because I've worked, then they would be very wrong.

Fair enough to say I haven't done as much cleaning as most people full stop. I outsource that.

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