Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 11/09/2017 12:01

It depends on whether children are at school and/or nursery some of the time. If children are at home 24/7 then there is no way a working parent does everything a SAHM parent does. Although the SAHM has a bit more time to do housework there is certainly a lot more of it if preschool age children are at home all day . If the children are school age then working parents probably do as much as SAHM plus work.

whatithink · 11/09/2017 12:03

As OP said everyones circumstances are different.

Someone can be a SAHM but have no help from anyone else what so ever. Whilst someone else can work and have lots of help from family and/or paid help. I know people who work who have family to do childcare and cook dinner for them in the evenings. They have cleaners and gardeners.

It is so difficult to compare individual circumstances.

SamShamAndThePharaohs · 11/09/2017 12:03

Farty- no, I didn't mean that WOHMs were doing mat leave wrong at all! If anything I did mine wrong as I immediately felt guilty knowing I wasn't going back to work so I put pressure on myself to be a great SAHM instead of recovering from birth etc. But in my experience (and I did say this could just be my own experience) my friends who were on mat leave but going back to work were more inclined to make the most of that year and saw it as a year off. I think they then look at me as a SAHM, remember their lovely mat leave and think I've got several years of lovely mat leave and aren't I lucky to spend all my time eating cake with other mums and going to the zoo. But actually, I imagine that being a SAHM you have a different mentality to someone who knows they'll be back at the office in a year, and in my case I treat being at home in the week more like a job, and do the more fun stuff with DH included at the weekends. Being a SAHM isn't all boxsets and costa just because that's what you did with a six month old, and I suspect some of my WOH friends just don't really think about what my day looks like and presume it's a jolly!

papayasareyum · 11/09/2017 12:06

Yanbu. Working parents can't do what stay at home parents do and work. How ridiculous. (unless they're taking the kids to work with them, which I somehow doubt)

Kewcumber · 11/09/2017 12:12

Yes they can papaya - why does everyone assume WOHM use childcare? My child is at school and then I work.

Batteriesallgone · 11/09/2017 12:14

Everyone has the same amount of washing to do/chores to do/shopping to do/meals to cook

Gosh so nurseries don't have to employ cleaners or staff to prepare food either! What are they whinging about with the rates the government pays! Clearly childcare, cleaning up after activities and preparing food just happens by magic. Those jammy nursery managers, what a sweet gig

Damnthatonestaken · 11/09/2017 12:14

I think people get fed up with hearing all the child related things sahms do with seeming implications that working mums dont do or know about those things. Things like hiding veggies in cooking, making playdoh, reading the same story 50 times over, going to the park etc. Things like getting up to the kids in the middle of the night. I dont have any faries to do these things for me so yep i do them!

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 12:16

When I worked i did nights, so barely slept and then had the kids in the day so I would have done everything in the home a sahm would have done us worked. My dh did help more then as he worked less hours. But this isn't about the housework or the childcare, it's everything else a mum may be juggling that people don't take into account when they get all high and mighty about their busyness.

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 11/09/2017 12:16

So you only work school hours Kewcucumber? You do all drops off and pick ups? That's part time hours isn't it?

Or do you use a childminder or family to fill the gaps?

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 12:17

Plus worked *

OP posts:
Damnthatonestaken · 11/09/2017 12:17

Also people who have never been a working parent compare working before kids against being a sahp and say its easier, of course it is. But thats not what being a working parent is like! This was my experience, anyhow. Whereas i did have a fairly good ideaof being a sahp due to long maternity leave

WhereDidThatTurtleComeFrom · 11/09/2017 12:17

If people believe this they'd never side with the husband on MN.

As he does everything the stay at home wife has done plus work.

They've paid to outsource some of the physical side of parenting, but unless you completely devalye the child minder in that situation they must see they're working. Physically changing the nappies, soothing a crying children etc

Neither is more important, they're both parents but it's not physically possible

WhereDidThatTurtleComeFrom · 11/09/2017 12:20

Yes they can papaya - why does everyone assume WOHM use childcare? My child is at school and then I work.

That's assuming all stay at home parents have their days free! I don't know any of those (and have never met any!) everyone's works as soon as they can afford to Ime

Mrsfrumble · 11/09/2017 12:21

Are "justification" and "explanation" the same thing? Does "justify" imply a defense of something, rather than simply satisfying potential curiosity. To me, calling myself a SAHM explains my unemployment status, but doesn't justify at because as you say shellyboobs, I don't need too. SAHW friend's status is largely as a result of her husbands career, so she or I would use that term in an explanatory way

We do use different labels for people who are not economically active depending on their circumstances, because in generally people are curious (not necessarily judgemental) as to how people live. When I lived in the US "homemaker" was it's own serperate box to tick on lots of forms I filled out!

LaurieMarlow · 11/09/2017 12:22

The vast majority of working mums are not able to arrange their hours to correspond with when kids are in school, or work from home and mind them at the same time. It just isn't feasible for the majority.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 12:23

Perhaps she could describe herself as his PA lol. Perhaps he is that busy that if she worked he would need to hire one? Who knows, cause it's not our business.

OP posts:
ghostworld77 · 11/09/2017 12:26

I stay at home at present and generally I find that when I am at home my standards go up regarding house work and cooking etc so do more around the house, make my own pastry, sew new cushion covers and do repairs, organise everything as well as keep the house squeaky clean. If I am working I still cover the basics cook and clean but it's not to the same standard as I wouldn't have the energy.

The stay at home person probably is doing a lot perhaps just as much but it's just different stuff. Also housework doesn't end, you can just stop doing it at 4pm it needs doing after dinner and before bed so it just continues.

BlackeyedSusan · 11/09/2017 12:29

Things I have done today as a sahp that I would not do as a wohp include:

chatting outside school for an excessive amount of time
popping to charity shop (may not need to do this if I worked)
played on the computer for 30 minutes... oh and I am here now.

Littleraincloud · 11/09/2017 12:32

I've been a sahm and a part time working mum. I found sahm a little isolating once the friends I'd made returned to work and I couldn't imagine doing it with both kids at school - the house only needs to be clean enough it doesn't need to be immaculate and the children don't eat the goodness I provide on their plates anyway. I did enjoy being available for my children but I find part time working a good in between. I think I'd really struggle full time and I wouldn't want to be sahm mum again

thenewaveragebear1983 · 11/09/2017 12:36

I'm a sahm and I would say that a full time working parent couldn't possibly do what I do and work. There's not enough hours in the day is there? I'm not being goady- I know if I was to work 8 hours a day X 5 days then I'd have a lot less time to do everything I do now. Sadly, and this is why I see being at home as such a massive privilege, is that if I was to return to work it's probably the nicer bits of my day I'd lose first. I'd still have to find time for the food shop, the washing, ironing, chores etc- it's the lovely things i get to do with ds that I wouldn't be able to fit in, like going for a conker walk this afternoon, and going to clubs and swimming etc. I really hope that when I go back to working that I manage to do these things still and somehow manage the domestic admin in less time.

plantsitter · 11/09/2017 12:39

You may have put your finger on it with that post,thenewaveragebear.

PebblesFlintstone · 11/09/2017 12:41

I work PT and have done since both children were a few months old. I work 3 days a week. Being at home with preschool children is hard work and relentless. However, now both DC are at school, my days at home are so much easier than the days I am out at work. I can clear up the breakfast stuff at leisure, sort paperwork, do the housework, clear out old clothes/toys etc, cook from scratch. All things that otherwise would have to be done in the evenings or at weekends. It's also much easier to help with homework/do extracurricular activities on the days at home. I do not consider being a SAHP inferior to WOHP, especially as you never know the circumstances behind it. However, I do think that being a SAHP of children at school through choice is a privilege and does allow more time for household tasks and to devote to your children.

PebblesFlintstone · 11/09/2017 12:42

x-post with the new average. Agree with what you say.

Birdsgottafly · 11/09/2017 12:42

I think we have to look at the wider picture. We can't have full employment in this Country. If people are willing to take breaks from paid employment, they should be encouraged to do so,especially if they can support themselves (as such).

The Universal Credit idea of "getting everyone to do a bit of work", including Carers, was/is ridiculous. Women(in particular) who aren't in paid employment tend to help neighbours/Care for family members/volunteer in the community. Men do also, of course, but in less numbers.

We are getting to a point were we have to justify our existance and us having children.

I can remember being asked if I "was a lady of leisure". I wish I had, have had the confidence to ask if she asked her child's minder/teacher that, but I was a young Mum. That was in the 80's.

I can't help feeling that we are going backwards.

SuzukiLi · 11/09/2017 12:43

thenewaveragebear

I'm full time studying out of the house so we leave at half 7 and get home at half 7. I still have to do everything on your list but have to try and squeeze it into the evenings, as well as study so that i can spend the weekends with my DD as that's the bit time we get to see each other. I still batch cook, Hoover daily, do laundry daily, sweep and mop, do. good shopping etc... it's tough but I still wouldn't go back to being a stay at home mum.