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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 11/09/2017 11:27

I dont think that was necessarily a dig Cailieach (although obvs it might have been said with that intent), my friend tells me that shes very lucky to not have to work and I agree with her, she is extremely lucky that she doesn't have to work.

There again compared to my other friend who wants to work, I count myself lucky that I have got a job, and Im sure she agrees.

Mrsfrumble · 11/09/2017 11:27

I doubt very much that my lovely unemployed friend gives the tiniest of craps what a randomer on the internet thinks of her Grin I'm really not sure what the point of that post was.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time Charlotte Flowers

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/09/2017 11:28

It's just another excuse to pit women against each other instead of being supportive. It's the female equivalent of a dick measuring contest, and doesn't actually help anyone.

Hobbitfeet32 · 11/09/2017 11:31

WOHP do have the same house running tasks to do as SAHPs but it has to be done at different times of the day. lookig after your children and looking doing chores are not mutually exclusive. It's possible to to the shipping, washing, cooking etc whilst looking after children,even preschoolers and babies. On my working days (part time) these kind of jobs are either done before 7.30am or after 5pm. On my days off I mange to get these sort of tasks done throughout the day whilst enjoying spending time with my children. Most of the posts on the recent 'what did you do today for SAHPs' looked like far more relaxed days than that of a working parent.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:32

Thanks Mrsfrumble :-) I just feel quite cut off from people at the moment hence coming on here. I made a close friend on another mums website and we have been seeing each other with the kids during the day sometimes and now she is disappearing off the radar. She is having some issues of her own so I am not taking it personally, but I miss the companionship. Things will improve in time and I shouldn't let petty judgers get to me. They obviously are unhappy with their own lives if they care so much as to judge me.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 11/09/2017 11:32

I suppose most mothers who work will come at it with the view that they have experienced both, having been off on mat leave and latterly fitting parenting around a job.

But the two don't need to be comparable and really it's no one else's business but yours and your partners.

We're all different, and whether we're in paid employment or SAHP, we all work at a different pace and have different priorities. That's a good thing, I thought.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:33

Agerbilatemycardigan ha ha. Your comment had made me laugh. That is hilarious and so true!!

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 11:36

GahBuggerit

I think the point I was making was that we don't know what goes on in each other's loves.

My neighbour thinks I don't work. I spend a lot of my time at home, she sees me doing school runs, pottering in the garden going out running etc.
I don't feel the need to give her any information as to how I have arrived at such an easy lifestyle.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:40

Does anyone else agree that the baby boomer generation should stop nagging at our generation to 'go back to work' or 'get a little part time job'. Some had luxury of a mother's network and a babysitting circle and an abudance of mum's like them who could take a few years being at home before the economy went to crap. The days when more couples could survive off one income. I look at photos of when I was little and all the mums are smiling and have a lovely circle of friends to support them. Maybe I'm just on a rant, but I think my mum's generation need to butt out!

plantsitter · 11/09/2017 11:41

I didn't post on that thread and I think starting it was an error. It's just an invitation to judge. Very much like the 'here's what I've eaten today' ones and the 'My kid's lunchbox' ones.

I have felt judged in real life. Mostly when doing the kids' PTA stuff for not making it easy enough for working parents to join in (though I feel I have to point out for fear of attack that I personally did make extra effort to enable working parents to join in).

The truth is you can't 'have it all'. You have to sacrifice something, be that sanity, money, housekeeping, equality within the family, time to yourself, general ease of life, whatever.

Meanwhile men never ever ever EVER have these conversations between themselves. They're doing the right thing whatever they do whereas we are doing the wrong thing whatever we do.

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 11:42

*The truth is you can't 'have it all'. You have to sacrifice something, be that sanity, money, housekeeping, equality within the family, time to yourself, general ease of life, whatever.
*

I don't know.

I'm pretty close to that ideal.

plantsitter · 11/09/2017 11:44

Great! What's your secret Cailleach666??

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:44

I think there is a general competitiveness in society to brag about who is busier.

Batteriesallgone · 11/09/2017 11:44

lol whenever anyone says this I always think wow you really undervalue the childcare staff you leave your children with don't you. Surely you should respect the people you're leaving your kids with! SAHM is childcare, it's like being a nursery worker, no one says to nursery workers oh but I have a real job (or maybe they do....)

aintnothinbutagstring · 11/09/2017 11:46

I work while others are sleeping Grin

NataliaOsipova · 11/09/2017 11:46

for goodness sake, 'unemployed' is just a statement of fact, it's not a value judgement.

It is. It is an economic category. But a SAHP generally does not fall into that category, as "unemployed" means someone who is available for and actively seeking work. A SAHP is economically inactive/not seeking work. It means something different - in the same way "retired" does, I suppose.

CharlotteKe · 11/09/2017 11:47

Good point Batteriesallgone.

BanyanTree · 11/09/2017 11:51

We really shouldn't judge each other. It's sad but most of the comments I hear at our school are form working mums to SAHM's. One chid in my DC's class told me that his mums said mums who don't work are lazy and sit round all day drinking coffee. That just gets my back up.

Everyone has a story why they work, don't work or work p/t. For me, my mother died when I was a child and it is really important to me to be around and do things with my DC that I didn't get to do. I am lucky that I stashed lots of cash before I had my DC in my late 30's. I went back to work for a bit but leaving him nearly caused me to have a breakdown. As mentioned, I think it is linked to my own childhood.

Not trying to justify myself at all. I really do not give a f@ck what anyone thinks of my choices as I am happy with the results of my choices. It's just that I hate judgey people who haven't got a clue what goes on behind the scenes.

GahBuggerit · 11/09/2017 11:52

Apologies Cailin, I thought your point was that you didn't know if she was having a dig or not Blush

I do totally agree, no-one knows what goes on in other peoples lives, we can only use our own experiences to form an opinion when it comes to this subject.

Another reason why SAHM v WOHM is just so utterly pointless!

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 11:53

plantsitter I work 15 hours a week from home. I live in a nice home surrounded by ancient woodland on the edge of a small town.
I can be in the heart of the capital in 20 minutes. I have a large garden, clean air.
I have a wonderful partner, fantastic kids. I go to the gym most days,
I pinch myself every day just to make sure it's real.

LaurieMarlow · 11/09/2017 11:53

Cailleach, I've come across you on similar threads before and I wouldn't say you're exactly typical of working mums.

In the main I totally agree with plantsitter. For the vast, vast majority of people, something's got to give.

And I agree with the OP too. It's a shitty phrase and I say that as a full time (and then some) working mother.

It just stands to reason that you can't fit the same amount of stuff into 4 hours at home as 12 hours at home. So in the main SAHM will go over and above what WOHMs do on some things, whether that's standard of housework, creative activities for the kids, quality of cooking and so on, family admin, planning family activities and so on.

Of course there's a spectrum of activity and some SAHMs don't do as much as others - but that's true of WOHMs too.

I think the biggest issue for WOHMs is the lack of downtime they get for themselves. If you go from a busy day in work to nursery/school pick up, to homework/dinner/bed, then to cooking for yourself and catching up on housework, to a packed weekend catching up on all the crap you didn't get done and quality time with the kids, that leaves precious little time for yourself to decompress.

I hugely struggle with that. it's terrible for my mental health. And it is in no way a situation to aspire to. It's a shit way to live.

SteppingOnToes · 11/09/2017 11:54

I don't get this (I have no kids so please explain). Everyone has the same amount of washing to do/chores to do/shopping to do/meals to cook - but working parents have 9-10 hours less a day to do them. I should imagine that will be harder... One of the reasons I don't have kids is that I wouldn't want to have to fit in all that I already do around childcare too - I'd much rather be a SAHM. After all once the kids hit school age that's hours a day uninterupted time to get stuff done... Or maybe it's a simplistic way of looking at things?

ShellyBoobs · 11/09/2017 11:56

...picking the stay at home wife out from that post to call her Unemployed was done in judgement.

It's not a judgement, its fact.

You've tried to add justification to it by adding "wife" to the end of "stay at home". The "wife" bit is superfluous. Do you not realise the irrelevance of her marital status?

I have a very good friend who doesn't work. She can't be arsed (her words paraphrased), her husband doesn't mind (plenty of money to support the family) and I don't care!

We could easily afford for me not to work and my OH would be more than happy with that - we both travel with work so we're apart a lot - but I like working. If I decided to stop working I wouldn't need to give my employment status a title to justify it to anyone.

Maybe you move in different circles but I've never personally known anyone who judges other women for their work (or not) choices.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 11/09/2017 11:57

I work full time so outsourced my childcare to my mother. A SAHM does that herself. So that line is bollocks.

Anatidae · 11/09/2017 11:58

Criticising either sahm or wohm or wahms is twattish.

I've never heard anyone say 'oh he does well as a working father.' The very idea of criticism of a man for being a working parent is just off the plate isn't it? Never happens. Only women who get bashed. Dh is an involved dad, we parent 50:50 - he loves the time he spends with ds (he's currently looking after him when he's ill) and he also feels no guilt for working.

You do what fits your family. I had 18m off with ds. Some days it was great, other days it was exhausting. Now I work - and sometimes that's fine and sometimes it's exhausting. Neither option has made me feel like a better or worse parent.

I don't get the conflict - Neither option is inherently superior. I work, my husband works, because that's what we do. Everyone's choices are constrained by their circumstances- if I came into millions tomorrow I'd quit my job and be a sahp, but I'd still take the 25 free hours a week because ds loves his kindergarten. Very few people have a choice unconstrained by money or circumstances.

The only problems come when women are coerced or forced into giving up careers. There's also a wider debate to be had about why it's generally women who take the option, lower workforce participation and financial vulnerability. But that debate never seems to happen and instead we snipe at each other saying wohm s are uncaring and sahms are lazy. It's pointless.

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