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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To by upset that my husband pressured me to give him a handjob

130 replies

onecrazycook · 09/09/2017 10:43

This morning my husband wanted sex. I've been feeling under the weather this week and just was not in the mood. It's super rare that I turn him down, but I'm just not feeling it today.

He basically got really huffy about it and demanded I give him a handjob instead, which I was also obviously not in the mood for. I said no, but this caused to to accuse my of not loving him and "not wanting to do husband and wife things" and I ended up doing it to save the argument. When it was over I was in tears and he can't understand why I was upset.

I've just let it blow over because I don't want to fight with him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TipTopTipTopClop · 09/09/2017 10:46

I have no idea how anyone could possibly be turned on by a handjob from an unwilling source. What a twat. Does he normally react like this?

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2017 10:46

YANBU. What's this about 'not turning him down '? Sex should be a mutually enjoyable act, not something one does because the other wants it.

Namechangetempissue · 09/09/2017 10:47

YANBU.
He blackmailed you into doing something you didn't want to do -'if you don't do it you don't love me'. He is an abusive arsehole.
You are not a bloody sex doll pumped up to service your owner.
Has he got form for behaviour like this?

Notreallyarsed · 09/09/2017 10:49

I'm always really saddened when women post things like this. OP you deserve more than to be treated like a blow up doll.

HerOtherHalf · 09/09/2017 10:49

No, of course YANBU. He huffed and emotionally blackmailed you into a sexual act when you had made it very clear you did not want to. By any reasonable definition that is sexual abuse.

Smeaton · 09/09/2017 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

guiltybystander · 09/09/2017 10:51

I would have pulled and squeezed his willy really hard to teach him a lesson. Please do it next time Grin

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/09/2017 10:53

He understands quite well why you were upset but won't admit it. You are not some instantly-available domestic appliance, just there to serve his needs.

Any man who got huffy with me when I turned him down for sex, whether I'd been feeling under the weather or not, would be unlikely to be having sex with me ever again.

You don't need to fight with him in order to state your right to bodily autonomy. Your body is not his play-thing to be called upon when the mood takes him.

Original poster
onecrazycook · 09/09/2017 10:53

Pinky, my bad choice of words. I mean if he is the one to instigate sex it's not often that I don't respond with enthusiasm.

He doesn't do this normally, thus I'm upset about it. I'm asking opinions because I'm not sure if I just overreacted. I was surprised in myself to be crying but I I really felt vile at the end

OP posts:
Akire · 09/09/2017 10:55

He sounds awful, what exactly where you doing that he couldn't do himself? Just would have taken effort, why bother when
Can guilt you?

Creambun2 · 09/09/2017 10:56

What a dick. No means no. Is he always like this?

Original poster
onecrazycook · 09/09/2017 10:58

We've been married 8.5 years and this has never happened before. It's not like he's doing this all the time or is some sort of monster/sex pest.

I just wanted to know that I'm not wrong in being upset and maybe some advice on how to make sure he knows it was not ok

OP posts:
Creambun2 · 09/09/2017 10:59

Well just tell him that this will never happen again.

JacquesHammer · 09/09/2017 11:00

He coerced you into performing a sex act you didn't want to.

I think there needs to be a LOT of discussion surrounding respect and his feelings surrounding "husband and wife things"

Namechangetempissue · 09/09/2017 11:01

I would sit down and talk to him. Say -do you know I feel absolutely disgusting after what happened earlier. I didn't want to do it and should be allowed to have a choice. I feel you blackmailed me and I'm really sad about that.
Hopefully if he is in any way decent he will be sorry.

Smeaton · 09/09/2017 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Walkingdead11 · 09/09/2017 11:03

No you're definitely not wrong to get upset, it was sex under coercive control, and that is assault. Making someone feel guilty, pressuring, emotional blackmail etc is not acceptable under any circumstances. Tell him this and that if he does it again you will take action.

Gemini69 · 09/09/2017 11:03

He will do it again OP... now you've did it once.. tell him to GTF Flowers

PressForPancakes · 09/09/2017 11:06

How could he possibly enjoy it knowing you didn't want to do it, and crying? What sort of person gets off on that?

There's something very wrong here. You don't have to put up with being treated so badly Flowers

user1492958275 · 09/09/2017 11:10

I would sit down and talk to him. Say -do you know I feel absolutely disgusting after what happened earlier. I didn't want to do it and should be allowed to have a choice. I feel you blackmailed me and I'm really sad about that.
Hopefully if he is in any way decent he will be sorry.

This. You clearly don't think he's a horrible man and that's fine, but this does need some form of apology and you need to make him aware that it wasn't on, how it made you feel and if it happens again you'll be seriously questioning the marriage.

Good luck, OP Flowers

StarfishSeahorse · 09/09/2017 11:12

He's utter pig.
A disgusting fucking bully.
You don't deserve that treatment, you're worth more than this.

InsomniacAnonymous · 09/09/2017 11:12

"How could he possibly enjoy it knowing you didn't want to do it, and crying? What sort of person gets off on that?"

Exactly. It's perverted and shows no love or respect for his own wife. As selfish as it's possible to be.

maras2 · 09/09/2017 11:14

I've just asked DH of 42 years for his opinion.
I know Mumsnet has no swear filter,which is great as I'm quite sweary,but I can't bring myself to type his response < and he's usually much less sweary than me >
So basically your H is just a vile abuser.Angry
Please try not to be too upset.
It's his behaviour that is reprehensible not yours. Flowers

Remy66 · 09/09/2017 11:14

Look, let's be honest. This man thinks "normal husband and wife things" includes coercing your partner into sexual acts and making them cry.
You're not overreacting and the fact he's not even remotely sorry shows you what kind of man he is. The only thing now is what are you going to do about it?

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2017 11:16

Is he dominating in other areas of your life? I find it concerning uou felt you couldn't say no, but were also so upset by it you were crying. Is there a bigger issue in your marriage and this was just a symptom of it?

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