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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To by upset that my husband pressured me to give him a handjob

130 replies

onecrazycook · 09/09/2017 10:43

This morning my husband wanted sex. I've been feeling under the weather this week and just was not in the mood. It's super rare that I turn him down, but I'm just not feeling it today.

He basically got really huffy about it and demanded I give him a handjob instead, which I was also obviously not in the mood for. I said no, but this caused to to accuse my of not loving him and "not wanting to do husband and wife things" and I ended up doing it to save the argument. When it was over I was in tears and he can't understand why I was upset.

I've just let it blow over because I don't want to fight with him.

AIBU?

OP posts:

deadringer · 09/09/2017 13:14

You are not over reacting op. The man you love coerced you into performing a sex act when you really didn't want to, somehow managed to enjoy and get off on this coerced sex act despite your clear lack of enthusiasm, and then is aghast at your upset afterwards. He seems to have a very skewed notion of love and consent and his whole attitude frankly sounds really quite disgusting. And not all men are like that. I have been married for 30 years and my dh has never huffed and puffed if I wasn't up for doing anything sexual, never mind trying to coerce or guilt me into it. You deserve better.

becotide · 09/09/2017 13:16

If I were you, and had decided to stay with him, I would make myself up a bed elsewhere in the house, and sleep there.

However I have to say that if this had been doen to me I'd be thinging about leaving because it's so callous

user1471464224 · 09/09/2017 13:23

My husband started off huffing whenever I turned him down for sex and over the months he started hitting me and making me have sex with him whenever he felt like it. The abuse got so bad he would wake me up drunk looking sex and would beat me until I did what he wanted. I'm out of the relationship now thankfully.

NotAgainYoda · 09/09/2017 13:24

His reaction to you crying told you all you need to know. If it is less than abject apology then it's pretty unforgiveable. In addition, he can have no excuse then for ever doing anything like it again.

I think I'd revisit this in a calm moment and tell his that this incident crossed a line that you never want crossed again

TheSparrowhawk · 09/09/2017 13:27

Don't kid yourself that he doesn't understand what's wrong. He knows perfectly well what he did wrong.

NotAgainYoda · 09/09/2017 13:32

.... and yes. You clearly said no. With words. How then, can he enjoy you doing it anyway?

ptumbi · 09/09/2017 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

onecrazycook · 09/09/2017 14:00

Ptumbi
How dare you! Yes I have and as I said it's never happened before. I'm upset enough without someone trying to accuse me of lying or not doing enough to stop it when it did happen. How fucking dare you

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 09/09/2017 14:02

OP freezing or not fighting back is a well documented and completely understandable response. Please don't think otherwise, you have every right to be upset and distressed. Your DH has crossed a line.

bbcessex · 09/09/2017 14:06

plumbi is saying that your DH is a sex pest.

Which it sounds like he may well be. Rational, caring males would not get sexual pleasure from an act with a partner whom they bullied into participating.

bbcessex · 09/09/2017 14:07

Ie.. Plumbi is agreeing / sympathisingwith you xxx

TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 14:16

That's the thing with this sort of situation - logically you may think it's not that traumatic of a thing to do, but you've had a visceral emotional response because you've just been a victim of sexual abuse. There are men who are knowingly sexual abusers and then there are men who genuinely don't see what the.big deal is and need to be educated - I would sincerely hope your boyfriend is not the type of person who's happy for you to feel violated so he can get off, but that's what's just happened. You need to have a serious conversation about this and ensure it never happens again. I am so upset for you x

ArcheryAnnie · 09/09/2017 14:17

onecrazycook I know things sometimes come across oddly in posts when they aren't meant that way, and it's difficult when you are (rightly) so upset anyway, but I am pretty sure Plumbi is on your side, not accusing you of lying!

notanotherNC · 09/09/2017 14:19

He is a sex pest. What he did is disgusting. It is sexual assault. I understand you may not be ready yo accept that, but your husband sexually assaulted you.

InsomniacAnonymous · 09/09/2017 14:21

To be fair, Plumbi did quote the OP and then directly contradict what she said, so I'm not at all surprised that the OP felt she was being accused of lying.

bbcessex · 09/09/2017 14:24

Either way OP... I'm sorry that this happened. Very nasty and I'm not surprised you're so upset.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2017 14:27

I ended up doing it to save the argument.

I've just let it blow over because I don't want to fight with him.

What happens when you fight? Because you know that you are allowed to disagree, especially when the issue is YOUR body. And what you do with it.

I know people love the tea consent thing but I also like this one.

To by upset that my husband pressured me to give him a handjob

Gottagetmoving · 09/09/2017 14:33

If he can't understand why you were upset, there is something wrong with him. You cried because you felt you should do something that you really didn't want to do...and that was because he uses emotional blackmail.
He needs to know that it is absolutely wrong to pressure you into any sexual activity if you are not willing.
Please don't ever feel you must do it ever again unless you want to.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 09/09/2017 14:50

He sounds incredibly immature and used to getting his own way OP.

He sees sex as his right, and bollocks to what you want. He was obviously totally unconcerned about your welfare or feelings. Unless he's willing to change into a decent human being, you should seriously be re-thinking your relationship.

FoodGloriousFud · 09/09/2017 15:22

That was a massive over reaction to Plumbi!! She was siding with you and didn't call you a list or said you should have done more to stop it all. Maybe re-read her comment?!

Your husband sounds absolutely vile btw.

Subtlecheese · 09/09/2017 15:34

Gross.
If he feels unloved by you again be sure to explain to him that's because he's a filthy sleaze that's OK with coercing a woman into performing and leaving her in tears.
I suggest packing him off for the weekend to get some space. It sounds like you need some people around you who can support you and mot use you so appallingly.

VestalVirgin · 09/09/2017 19:12

The more I think about this, the worse it looks.

Someone asked why the dude couldn't be bothered doing the wanking himself.

And that's a good question.

He had a choice between two things that would physically feel pretty much the same, but one had the added advantage of ... him needing to coerce his wife into doing it and making her upset and unhappy.

That's pretty messed up.

PressForPancakes · 09/09/2017 19:14

How are you doing, OP?

TuckingFaxman · 09/09/2017 19:21

OP, I've been married 8 years and I've never yet emotionally blackmailed my spouse into giving me a hand job. Nor he me. I'm pretty sure it's your DH that's doing it wrong, not me and mine. You have every right to be upset.

Shell4429 · 09/09/2017 20:51

Overreaction? Absolutely not. I actually feel upset by this because I don't think you understand how wrong it was. Close to tears myself. Please tell him that what he did was unacceptable - somebody earlier in the thread gave a good example of what to say. If he doesn't apologise profusely then really you should leave. This is abusive behaviour.

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