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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To by upset that my husband pressured me to give him a handjob

130 replies

onecrazycook · 09/09/2017 10:43

This morning my husband wanted sex. I've been feeling under the weather this week and just was not in the mood. It's super rare that I turn him down, but I'm just not feeling it today.

He basically got really huffy about it and demanded I give him a handjob instead, which I was also obviously not in the mood for. I said no, but this caused to to accuse my of not loving him and "not wanting to do husband and wife things" and I ended up doing it to save the argument. When it was over I was in tears and he can't understand why I was upset.

I've just let it blow over because I don't want to fight with him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 09/09/2017 11:17

This is the football obsessive arsehole who went to a match on your birthday and didn't speak to you for 4 days when you found out you were pregnant? Flowers

Why are you still with him?

VestalVirgin · 09/09/2017 11:22

We've been married 8.5 years and this has never happened before. It's not like he's doing this all the time or is some sort of monster/sex pest.

Have you ever said no to him before?

And has something changed in the relationship? Have you: gotten pregnant, given birth, given up your job?
Many abusers sadly can pretend to be decent human beings for quite a while until they think their victim cannot run away anymore.

Before you talk to him about it, make sure that you can leave at any time. As others already pointed out, a decent man wouldn't need explained to him why what he did there was wrong.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/09/2017 11:23

What kind Of person would enjoy reducing their 'loved one' to tears for their own pleasure?

AgainPlease · 09/09/2017 11:25

OP this is awful! He left you in tears?

My DH and I are not allowed to have sex as I'm an ultra high-risk pregnancy with a stitch in my cervix and not once has he asked me to give him a hand job or blowjob or anything else to compensate our lack of sex life at the moment. I think he just wanks in the shower

I feel sorry for you Flowers

AdoraBell · 09/09/2017 11:29

YANBU OP

I would tell him that pressuring you into a sexual act means he doesn't love you. Also, behaving like that shows that he doesn't want to do the 'husband and wife things' like having respect for each other as equal human beings, oh and having some empathy and compassion when one of you is unwell/stressed/overly busy/anything else that puts off the idea of sex.

RhubardGin · 09/09/2017 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mypoornips · 09/09/2017 11:40

What did he say when he saw you were crying?

lovelycuppateas · 09/09/2017 11:41

What kind of person gets pleasure from forcing someone into a sexual act they clearly are unwilling to do? It's really really bad, and cannot be excused by the fact that he hasn't done it before. It's hard to believe that someone who can do this is also not utterly self-centred in other aspects of a relationship - maybe have a think about what this says about his attitude towards you and your role in his life?

Starlight2345 · 09/09/2017 11:43

You have every right to be upset.

There is more going on here..I can guarantee it without looking at previous threads...The fact you felt it was easier to do it rather than not is a sign of something deeper.

You really need to take a look at this relationship not just this morning.

Witsender · 09/09/2017 11:49

rhubarb coercion is just as powerful as force, it depends on the dynamic of the relationship.

He's an arsehole.

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2017 11:49

he didn't force you to do anything

Yes he did.

Branleuse · 09/09/2017 11:55

Tell him that he really bloody upset you and that when you say no, you expect that to be respected and not for him to then pressurise or bully you into the act. That is the first and the last time that it will happen

Notreallyarsed · 09/09/2017 11:58

RhubardGin victim blaming? Seriously? Coercion is a well documented part of abuse and extremely damaging.

PollyFlint · 09/09/2017 12:01

If he claims that you 'don't love him' just because you didn't want to perform a sex act on him when you weren't feeling well, he is an absolute arsehole. What he's done is manipulative and coercive. What sort of man enjoys a handjob knowing that the woman is hating every second of it?

How did he react when you cried, OP? Did he just ignore you or did he apologise?

This is completely and utterly unacceptable behaviour on his part and you need to tell him exactly how it made you feel.

slashlover · 09/09/2017 12:01

YANBU

It is very much a consent issue, and almost seems like the cliché "If you loved me the you would do it". No means no, it does no mean harass me until I give in

Maskoff · 09/09/2017 12:02

Yanbu how could he even get off knowing you didn't want to do it.

strongasmeringue · 09/09/2017 12:14

That's the whole point though isn't it? Abusive men do enjoy making people do what they want and the fact the other person isn't happy adds to the pathetic power they feel.

Coercion is a crime now for those unaware Hmm.

ArcheryAnnie · 09/09/2017 12:26

He doesn't do this normally, thus I'm upset about it. I'm asking opinions because I'm not sure if I just overreacted. I was surprised in myself to be crying but I I really felt vile at the end

onecrazycook you aren't overreacting. He manipulated you into sex that you did not want, and that he knew you did not want, and which left you feeling, as you say, "vile".

There's a word for that.

Only you can decide what you want now.

What do you think would happen if you showed him this thread? I'm not suggesting you do (your username is up there, for a start), I'm asking how he'd respond if he knew other women considered him an abusive asshole.

diddl · 09/09/2017 12:34

So you rarely turn him down & when you do he forces you into submission anyway.

Is he too idle to do it himself??

As for if you won't do what I want you don't love me, how about he obviously doesn't love/respect you as he forces you to do what you don't want to?

Willow2017 · 09/09/2017 12:36

What an arse.
Next time tell him he has 2 of his own hands to chose from he can lie on one for 5 minutes till it's numb then he can pretend it's someone else doing it if he wants!

Why on earth does he think you are not allowed to say no to sex of any kind.

Just tell him if he tries that again the only sex he will be getting in future will be hand jobs, by his own hands.

You do not under any circumstances have to do anything sexual you do not want to do.

Tell him to read this thread selfish prick.

Ropsleybunny · 09/09/2017 12:47

You have NOT over reacted.

swimmingforsanity · 09/09/2017 12:54

Yuk :( I hope you are ok x

SilverySurfer · 09/09/2017 12:57

That's horrible OP. and in no way did you over react Sex should be a mutual thing, not one getting pleasure at the expense of the other. I would have told him to do it himself and that his chance of having sex in the near future was pretty much zero since you don't find sex pests attractive.

Hope you feel better soon.

Idontevencareanymore · 09/09/2017 13:02

This is awful. I hope you're feeling a bit better now op!

YANBU. He's a disgusting excuse for a man, no one should ever make you feel like you have no right to say no.
What next? Blow job? Full sex?

I'd be telling him you felt abused, used and quite frankly sickened at him. You are not his plaything to take pleasure from.

Missingstreetlife · 09/09/2017 13:03

Wot willow said

Why are men so needy, and so aggressive about it?

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