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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not expect a man to put his head in my boobs?

197 replies

MissJSays · 09/09/2017 02:14

I'm currently sat in the clubs toilets. It's my friends 22nd birthday night out. I'm 21, I know I'm young and having fun bla bla but my best friend whose birthday it is friends has come out. She has brought about 4/5 boy friends with her, fair enough. About 2 hours into the night one of them has just bent down to me, put his head in my boobs and shook his head. I'm in a committed relationship of 2yrs, I love my boyfriend to pieces (he's not here with me tonight) and I haven't been suggestive or anything to this boy all night. It's completely floored me and I'm sobbing in the toilet, I don't know why it's got to me so much. I feel so alone and like I'm making such a fuss over nothing, I don't know why this has upset me so much! Hoping for some Mumsnet wisdom to get me out of the cubicle🙁

OP posts:

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 11/09/2017 14:56

A female colleague did this to me at a company party and I hated it

Manclife · 11/09/2017 15:29

@Dottydoll why? There's nothing in it of evidential value and someone else has been told about the incident prior to posting on here.

blackteasplease · 11/09/2017 15:49

There is evidential value in the thread, at least the OP.

It is evidence of her first/ earlier complaint and as such is admissible as evidence of the truth of it's contents as well as her credibility.

Manclife · 11/09/2017 16:54

Except her friend is the evidence of first complaint. Perhaps read the thread.

PoorYorick · 11/09/2017 17:05

It is just as unacceptable whether done male on female, female on female, female on male or male on male.

annfield62 · 11/09/2017 19:35

Sumpalumpa. They just stood there soaking wet in shock. I made sure everyone knew why I had done it. My friend was at the bar buying me my next bottle of water.

Dottydoll · 11/09/2017 19:48

Manclife, there is something of evidential value - her frame of mind immediately after the offence happened. The police will also want statements from the first people she told and anyone who witnessed it.

Original poster

MissJSays · 11/09/2017 22:04

Thanks everyone again for your well wishes, I am fine but it's still very much on my mind! I'll probably never forget it.

PoorYorik just wanted to thank you for the support and kind words!

HQ removed a few comments before I got to see them, it seems this may have been for the best though! I gathered one of them was relating to what I was wearing. Not that it matters, obviously, but I was wearing high waisted jeans and my boobs were not on show. Clearly that's not the point, I could have had a tiny skirt and booby crop top on, it still wouldn't make it ok. It's my body and my choice who I want to touch it!

I keep wondering if he's thinking about it... wondering if he feels disgusting for doing it, or if he hasn't given it a second thought and carried on as usual.

OP posts:

Ollivander84 · 11/09/2017 22:09

Exactly what Poor said
I went to a kink night as one of those things to try once in your life a man went to smack someone's bum and was kicked out before he even did it
I felt so safe in there, sat in a hot tub naked with three men and not one did anything other than chat and fetch me a brew

PoorYorick · 11/09/2017 22:33

I'm glad I was helpful OP, and you missed absolutely nothing at all. I swear these arseholes all think they're super original and we've never heard their tired old misogynistic shite before. You really have to wonder at the kind of man who discovers an almost entirely female forum, sees a discussion about women sharing their experiences of sexual assault, and thinks what they REALLY NEED is him coming in to patronise them and tell them all why they're wrong.

Presumably if someone keyed their brand new shiny car, they wouldn't mind being told it's their fault for having a nice car instead of a clapped out old banger, that perhaps they're the kind of man who likes their car being keyed, that it's their failing that they didn't go Arnie on the criminals on the spot, Christ we all know the drill.

I like to think that since he was forced to make some sort of semiology for it, he might have the decency to be thinking about what he's done. But God knows, as the twats on here have amply proven, that there will be plenty of people to tell him it was acceptable.

God, I'm still spitting bile over that comment about how is a poor diddy man supposed to know 'what sort of woman' he's assaulting this time. You couldn't make this shit up!

PoorYorick · 11/09/2017 22:34

Semiology? I didn't even know that was a word. I meant 'semi apology'.

Original poster

MissJSays · 11/09/2017 22:45

Oh don't remind me!
'Some women like it, how are we supposed to know?'
I didn't even justify it with a response

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 11/09/2017 23:21

Part of me thinks I should ignore those turds, but part of me also thinks they need to know that we see right through them. Even if they then respond by saying that we're the ones who are blind. But then we're women, so we like being assaulted by any available creep and we're always wrong.

ghost48 · 11/09/2017 23:32

Please Ladies do not think all us men are like these twats ,i was raised to respect others(male and female) and my children where raised the same way ..........

blackteasplease · 12/09/2017 00:08

Sorry to get bogged down in this side issue but I have read the thread fully thank you manclife and had before I posted. I said first/ earlier complaint. It doesn't have to be the first one only and you can rely on more than one. Perhaps read the post above your post!

That's not the issue here of course. Others have rightly stated that it is assault and you would be well justified in going to the police. Certainly not unreasonable to be upset.

Manclife · 12/09/2017 00:30

Admissibility is the courts decision not the police/CPS. Also if it's covered in an MG11 or video interview then it wouldn't be of evidential value. Police don't statement or disclose every conversation a victim has so why would social media be any different. If the thread assist/undermines then of course but there's nothing to suggest that from what has been posted. Besides the OP is under no obligation to disclose the post so how would an investigator find out about it.

TheMaddHugger · 12/09/2017 00:55

'MissJSays Mon 11-Sep-17 22:45:39
Oh don't remind me!
'Some women like it, how are we supposed to know?'
I didn't even justify it with a response'

They/HE did NOT get consent there fore .......you gave no permission.

TheMaddHugger · 12/09/2017 00:56

I forgot the ((Hugs)))

((((((((Mega Madd Hugs)))))))) OP

Of course you wont get 'over' this. You were assaulted.

TheMaddHugger · 12/09/2017 00:57

ghost48 Mon 11-Sep-17 23:32:47
Please Ladies do not think all us men are like these twats ,i was raised to respect others(male and female) and my children where raised the same way ..........

My DH Also. Good Men do exist.

ghost48 · 12/09/2017 01:05

TheMaddHugger : thank you .....

blondieminx · 12/09/2017 01:34

MissJ you're really not a shit girl, a horrid shitty thing happened to you and it was a very nasty shock. Please do think a bit more about reporting it, there may be a pattern with this guy and the incident on Saturday night will be taken seriously x

Yorick you rock. Thank you for all the calling out on this thread and tackling the idiot mansplainers head on in such style!

#Yesallwomen - so true.

In a now defunct local club, a man pinched my bum. It happened a lot (nineties Essex was everything the cliches suggest!) but this guy pinched me hard, it hurt. I turned round. He smiled, I looked at him and realised I was taller. I ran my fingers down his chest and lower and then squeezed very hard. He yelped. I shouted at him. His mates came over threatening me. A bouncer came over, asked me what happened and threw the lot of them out! I relate this story to say bouncers will help get rid of idiots. It'd just be nice to be able to go out without the constant threat of assualt.

user1479335914 · 12/09/2017 12:07

Am so sorry you went through this and then also started to question yourself. Its always about power and how men resent women having the audacity to be fully themselves which they seem to find threatening. Go on being you, and not an intimidated or diminished version, which is how they would like you to react. You definitely should report it to the police - not because they will necessarily charge him, but as others have said there may be a pattern with this jerk in the future, and at the very least a doorstep visit from police will make him think twice in future.

A long time ago, I was stalked through the streets by a really creepy man who tried to touch me up in crowded places. It was awful - this was before stalking was made actually illegal, but the police did tell him that his behaviour had to stop or else - it worked.
I hope you feel validated and supported, and can put this behind you.

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