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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not expect a man to put his head in my boobs?

197 replies

MissJSays · 09/09/2017 02:14

I'm currently sat in the clubs toilets. It's my friends 22nd birthday night out. I'm 21, I know I'm young and having fun bla bla but my best friend whose birthday it is friends has come out. She has brought about 4/5 boy friends with her, fair enough. About 2 hours into the night one of them has just bent down to me, put his head in my boobs and shook his head. I'm in a committed relationship of 2yrs, I love my boyfriend to pieces (he's not here with me tonight) and I haven't been suggestive or anything to this boy all night. It's completely floored me and I'm sobbing in the toilet, I don't know why it's got to me so much. I feel so alone and like I'm making such a fuss over nothing, I don't know why this has upset me so much! Hoping for some Mumsnet wisdom to get me out of the cubicle🙁

OP posts:
sandelf · 10/09/2017 20:38

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PoorYorick · 10/09/2017 20:41

Oh piss off sandelf and take your black sack with you. Better yet, stick it over your head so nobody has to listen to your asinine burbling and be forced to punch you in the face.

PerfectPenquins · 10/09/2017 21:07

Some one once told me that freezing and being unable to react is a way of survival instinct. A bit like if I don't fight back I may live through this type thing. If I don't make him angrier he may let me go. Freezing is nothing to be ashamed of you survived and you will be ok. Ask your partner to try his best to direct his understandable upset into supporting you and giving you his energy and not loosing it on that arse hole.
I can stick up for and defend total strangers and I have done but when it came to myself my survival was to submit.

It makes me angry that I can't go back as my older self and do it differently. But at the time it was right for me.
X

lozengeoflove · 10/09/2017 21:23

Hahaha sandelf you're fucking hilarious.
If I wanted to walk around, swinging my tits around all day long, and some creep tried to touch me it would still be an assault.

Stop trying to peddle your shitty attitude on here.

PoorYorick · 10/09/2017 21:31

The thing that makes me think blandelf is for real and not a troll is the quick obligatory lip service of 'of course this was bad for you, honey'. It's part of the formula; they know they have to pretend to be concerned for women before they come out with 'so stop dressing like a slut, you tramp, you had it coming'.

We'll never see what they're doing then, you see. Too busy adjusting our peekaboo bras and begging for it.

BakedBeans47 · 10/09/2017 21:37

wtf sandelf? Really?

This woman was sexually assaulted and it's her fault for daring to go out not dressed in a nun's habit?

Geordie1944 · 10/09/2017 21:48

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mumindoghouse · 10/09/2017 21:52

Sounds like sexual assault

Geordie1944 · 10/09/2017 21:59

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PoorYorick · 10/09/2017 22:01

I can never fathom why people are so polite about this sort of thing.

Because we are constantly told to downplay it, not to make a fuss, that it's our fault for what we were wearing (I've been dressed like Waynetta Slob most times it's happened to me), because we often freeze when it happens, that it's harmless fun, that it's just young men being daft and they'll grow out of it, and and and and and.

It's brilliant to hear about women who give these cunts what for, but I definitely understand why so many women feel pressured to put up with it. This is a predominantly female forum and we've still had all the usual suspects telling us not to dress like sluts, that a man can't be expected to know "what type of woman" (my God) he's assaulting, and a couple of goady fuckers who think it's a joke. In another recent thread, a woman who was raped by her husband was told by one of these scrotes to love and understand him, and not to report it because it would humiliate HER.

I know it's 2017, but there are just so many nasty little creeps for whom the last 60 years apparently did not happen. And they're not just online.

PoorYorick · 10/09/2017 22:03

Do you seriously compare what happened to this young woman to rape? Because if you do you need to get a sense of proportion.

Ok Geordie, you did set off my radar with your first 'why don't women respond the right way' comment but I let it slide, thinking I was being overzealous. This, however, is out and out shite.

Do not come into a group of women discussing their experiences of sexual assault and patronise them. Do not accuse them of confusing rape with sexual assault, especially when you're doing exactly that yourself with a pig ignorant comment. Do not imply that we are somehow lesser than your wife because she had the wherewithal to fight back and that we are to blame for not reacting the way you, not a woman, think you would.

Just. Do. Not.

rightnowimpissed · 10/09/2017 22:43

What a disgusting little bastard you should've slapped him!

BakedBeans47 · 10/09/2017 23:02

Where did I say that Geordie?

She was assaulted and it was sexual in execution and presumably motive. Sexual assault isn't "just" rape.

ghost48 · 10/09/2017 23:04

I find my self having to pipe in again on this thread after reading a few comments as some who have been following this thread know my daughter was assaulted in this manner while on a night out with friends ,ok she put the twat in his place (the floor) however it was what happened after that is more interesting . He was arrested for sexual assault and when on checking if he had any other "form" what do you think they found?, 3 other complaints is what they found! .my daughter made a formal complaint and a round 2 months later went to court ,upshot was he got a 28 weeks custodial sentence put on the sexual offenders register ,lost his job lost every thing all because he thought it was ok to lay his hands(ok his head) on my daughter well he thought wrong ,so to those who put it down to "high jinks" or "just some thing that happens"or it wasn,t a sexual assault the Law thinks other wise .....................

BakedBeans47 · 10/09/2017 23:07

Oh and Geordie if you feel the need to mansplain the definition of sexual assault - just don't bother.

Abbylee · 10/09/2017 23:14

I think that he was wrong. I think that you have been in a committed relationship for a while and may have become used to the respect given to women with partners and it was a shock to be grabbed. NOT giving him a pass.

He WAS WRONG but (not to absolve him) he may have thought it was ok bc he's part of a set of people who are ok with that behaviour. He apologized. You are home. I think the police may be over board.Flowers go to sleep. You will feel better in the morning.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 10/09/2017 23:33

Op you are upset because your body was just violated. You are used to good people who respect your personal space and this moron has just taught you that he can grab your body and do what he wants with it. I have been sexually assaulted several times in clubs, being 5" 10 and large breasted, every man that was chest height, seemed to think it was OK to grab my breasts or 'motorboat' me. I like a previous poster have also had an animal put his fingers into my pants whilst I was climbing the stairs wearing as short skirt. Apparently that was my fault for wearing a short skirt. I realise that you are not there now but if (and hopefully this will never happen again) it were to happen please speak to a bouncer. Each time it happened to me the men were removed. I too was very distressed , I was around 19/ 20 at the time. Fifteen years later and the same awful behaviour is repeating itself. I hate how young men think they have the right to grab or violate young women, strangers they have never met just because they are in a nightclub. This happens too often. There was a thread on here a while back about sexual assault, it was a frightening read. We women keep this hidden and its wrong. Your friends attitude was wrong! You had every right to be upset, as your friend I would be upset for you and get you home! I hope that you are home safe tonight, either with your lovely boyfriend or a friend/ family member.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 10/09/2017 23:35

Good on your daughter for going to the police ghost! I hope the animal has learned his lesson!

DizzyBlondeMum2 · 11/09/2017 06:35

So sorry this has happened to you xx

Hope you find a way to get your head round it. He deserves to be reported to the police and you will have plentiful support if that's what you choose to do. However, appreciate that may just add to your trauma. Flowers

frieda909 · 11/09/2017 12:17

Geordie, you have no idea how upsetting this kind of incident can actually be for a woman. It absolutely is sexual assault. It doesn't have to be rape to be sexual assault!

It's easy to say it's 'just' a hand or 'just' a head but when it happens to you... it's hard to explain just how much it can upset and affect you.

I had a guy stick his hand between my legs in a crowd when I was 16 and I have never forgotten it. I can still picture his smug, grinning face to this very day and it makes me feel a little queasy every time I think about it. I was with my parents at the time, but they didn't see, and I felt so disgusted and ashamed I couldn't bring myself to tell them. I still feel horrible about it now and it was 15 years ago! I dread to think what else that man has got away with.

Shumpalumpa · 11/09/2017 12:34

I think that he was wrong. I think that you have been in a committed relationship for a while and may have become used to the respect given to women with partners and it was a shock to be grabbed. NOT giving him a pass.

He WAS WRONG but (not to absolve him) he may have thought it was ok bc he's part of a set of people who are ok with that behaviour. He apologized. You are home. I think the police may be over board.flowers go to sleep. You will feel better in the morning.

WTF? So single women don't get respect?

You sound patronising and yes, you ARE trying to absolve him. And don't tell OP how she will feel.

PoorYorick · 11/09/2017 12:39

Don't you just love comments that run, "Of course it's not right to assault women BUT...."?

Knew we'd get those simpletons on here, both the goady fuckers and the twats who seriously believe that what a forum of women discussing sexual assault need most is some mansplaining about why they're wrong. Any old iron?

uglyswan · 11/09/2017 12:54

A friend of mine spat in a man's face after he groped her in a club. He was chucked out by the management, but then he and his friends waited for her outside and beat her and her partner up so badly, they were both hospitalised.

So while all these stories of self-defence and smiling sweetly while you squeeze someone's balls (why is the woman always "smiling sweetly" when men tell these stories? ) are fun to read and I applaud everyone who has had the courage and the presence of mind to actually hit back, I think there's a lot to be said for the safe option: removing yourself from the situation and involving other people. OP, I hope you feel better now and I hope you know you did absolutely the right thing under extremely unpleasant circumstances.Flowers

Graphista · 11/09/2017 13:16

Some appalling comments here from apologists and mansplainers.

It's now recognised there are 3 likely responses to danger - fight, flight or freeze.

I'm 'lucky' in that I'm generally a fighter and when it's been strangers assaulting me they've ended up with a slap, foot stomp or knee to the groin.

But as here where the man was part of the 'friendship'group we are conditioned deeply to not know what to do when it's not a stranger. I'm a survivor of Csa too and had no idea how to respond when the abuser was my father. The very person who'd TAUGHT me self defence techniques.

Dottydoll · 11/09/2017 14:20

If you go to the police be prepared to share this thread with them.

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