To not expect a man to put his head in my boobs?

[MissJSays]

I'm currently sat in the clubs toilets. It's my friends 22nd birthday night out. I'm 21, I know I'm young and having fun bla bla but my best friend whose birthday it is friends has come out. She has brought about 4/5 boy friends with her, fair enough. About 2 hours into the night one of them has just bent down to me, put his head in my boobs and shook his head. I'm in a committed relationship of 2yrs, I love my boyfriend to pieces (he's not here with me tonight) and I haven't been suggestive or anything to this boy all night. It's completely floored me and I'm sobbing in the toilet, I don't know why it's got to me so much. I feel so alone and like I'm making such a fuss over nothing, I don't know why this has upset me so much! Hoping for some Mumsnet wisdom to get me out of the cubicle🙁

OP you don't need to justify yourself or analyse your behaviour with explanations of how much you love your boyfriend. Whether single or not, women's bodies belong to them and are not fair game for idiots to try and cop a feel.

I wouldn't report it but I would learn the lesson that there are many immature guys out there who see women as nothing more than a hole.

Well done for being upset because you made him see that his actions affect people.

I agree with other posters. He assaulted you. Yanbu to be upset. Ywnbu to report it to the police.

@Pengggwn, thank you for writing that down. It was exactly the same thought process I had, probably as this has happened to me before and while my initial response at the time was shock and outrage I then stifled that to 'be a good sport' or something.

@Shumpalumpa, I know you didn't ask me but in case you want to know, I'm female

Pennngwn, as my instinctive reaction was to report it to police, it made me wonder what your sex was. I was just curious, you obviously don't have to answer.

He assaulted you. The girl victim blamed you.

I thought the exact same as pengwyn
I'd consider myself a feminist as well!. It's shocking how ingrained these things are.
So sorry op, you did NOTHING wrong

It's shit when you realise just how vulnerable women are especially if you've never been exposed to such wankerish types before. A real shock which i'd guess is why you feel so upset over this incident?

It's even more of a horrible shock when you realise how little of a crap the Police give when dealing with women ie domestic violence and how meh they are about it, particularly if you've been brought up believing you are safe and in your case, that men are all civilised.

Firstly, your feelings are totally valid, he touched you without your consent. You did nothing wrong and in no way deserved it or brought it on yourself. Anyone who tried to lessen your feelings/reaction or try to make you feel bad is totally in the wrong.

The girl who brought the boys/men with her came to me and tried to explain it all away and say it's just how they are and that they're 'knobs' etc

If they do that in their friendship group then that it their business, to do something like that to a complete stranger is wrong. I hug my friends, I would not hug someone I've just met.

Nothing ingrained here other than to say: you were sexually assaulted. Contact the police.
Perhaps this man will then learn the lesson that he doesn't own any woman's body and that a woman's body isn't a play thing, there for this amusement.

I disagree that he 'didn't think' - I think he did and thought it would be a perfectly ok thing to do. Men like this have been brought up to see all women as porn stars.

I've had this done to me twice - a friend of a friend was messing about with some detailing on my coat and 'inadvertently' touched my breasts. I pulled away and asked him to leave my coat alone as that particular part of my coat was quite close to my breasts. He did it again, insisting he wasnt touching me, he was asking me about some detailing. I asked him to stop again and he got really irate - literally 'I wasnt even doing anything!' like a primary school child!

The second time a colleague got drunk and was a general knob all evening 'flirting' and touching me. I brought it up with him afterwards and he apologised profusely but with constant excuses about how drunk he was and 'you know I really respect you'

Both times, the man's outrage really knocked me. I really wasnt sure if I was being unreasonable but every fibre of my being was disgusted by their behaviour.

You are NOT wrong. You cried because he disrespected you in the middle of a bar.

Your not being over dramatic, i hope you have a nice lie in today.

Your young and in time you'll grow a reflex action to how to deal with jackasses like this - i cam remember being groped at 19 and brushing it off with an uncomfortable giggle. Now at 30 it happened again on a rare night out and i pushed the bastard and girmly said for him to leave.

Your not reaponsible for how men behave.

The girl who brought the boys/men with her came to me and tried to explain it all away and say it's just how they are and that they're 'knobs' etc. I was literally crying to her! I couldn't stop crying and said to her that that doesn't matter, that's not ok, that's never ok. She just tried to brush over it and said she just wants everyone to have a good night.

You were sexually assaulted, so I'm not surprised you were upset.

And your friend's response was to say that's "just how they are"? And that she wanted everyone to have a good night so she tried to silence you? Wow. That just made things worse.

I would be very careful around her and her other friends from here on in.

Consider counselling, which can be brilliantly helpful; and expect your friend to continue to dismiss and minimise your distress.

I hope you're ok.

How are you doing?
As others have said, you were assaulted snd he was way out of line.
Your friend was also way out of line for not seeing that and supporting you.
Are you going to speak to her about it again?

This doesn't surprise me at all. Sexual assault is frequent in our shitty rape culture, and seen as a joke and something only uptight joyless bitches don't find hilarious. Well it's not fucking hilarious, it's not a joke and it's a crime, yes really. Since you know the guy's name and he's easily traceable, I'd suggest reporting it if you feel able. Getting his collar felt might be the only way the rapey little shitbag learns that he does not have the right to assault women.

Do you think any of these people would find it funny if a six foot trucker grabbed and fondled his penis on a night out?

You're safe now my love, are you okay ?
The realisation that someone has just sexually assaulted you, in a public place/group of friends, is difficult to fathom, and shocking, and when people dismiss it as nothing, you feel like you're in a different reality. He cannot bury his face in you're breasts, and expect 'sorry', to be acceptable, it isn't.
I hope that you have somebody in real life, to confide in. Please consider speaking to the Police, you can do this, they will be on side.
Your boyfriend will also be affected and may want to seek out the culprit himself, understandable, but not advisable.
Thinking of you, you poor love, I'm very sorry this has happened to you.💐

Also, ditch your friend once you've got the assailant's name out of her. I know she's a victim too in a sense for being absorbed into rape culture but you need to care for yourself and show it's not acceptable.

Clubs are rife with this disgusting behaviour. I once had a bloke come up behind me and start humping me, actually pushing his dick up against my bum. I moved away and told him to get lost. He did it again so I turned and shoved him away. At this point he tried to punch me and then threw a drink over me. I lost it, just completely lost it and flew at him. Luckily the bouncers had seen him assault me so although one of them pulled me off of him, the other rather roughly man handled him out of the club.

The thing that upset me was that I was out with a large group, many of them blokes. Not one came and helped me. Their defense was that they knew I could handle myself. The friendships died that night.

To play devil's advocate, I have a friend whose night would have been made had this happen to her. And I have seen her lapping it up when random men have buried themselves in her cleavage.

Oh shut up. You're not telling us this to 'play devil's advocate' as if there is some importance in seeing the opposing side to sexual fucking assault. I have a friend who loves being tied up and having his balls squeezed until they turn blue, does that give me the right to pounce on you and pound your genitals till they're numb?

Sexual assault is a crime and doesn't require devil's fucking advocate. I'm not convinced that your imaginary friend hasn't just been absorbed into rape culture that tells her this makes her fun and sexy anyway. I know when I was younger I sometimes laughed off sexual assault because I thought it made me look so cool.

And people wonder why rape victims so often feel that they don't have a right to protest.

Ignore the idiot, OP. The devil doesn't need an advocate in this conversation.

Oh and op, apparently I was a tease. In his mind I had obviously sent some signal that i wanted him to do that, despite never clapping eyes on him until he shoved his dick at me. I was just dancing with friends, I did nothing wrong. It doesn't matter how you behave, or what you wear, if a bloke has it in them to sexually assault a woman, they will. Nothing you did caused this. I fought this man off, and yet he still screamed that I was a tease. Cunt.

Oh well, Stormwhale, twoheaped has a friend who just lurves it when men assault her in public places, punch her and throw drinks over her, so that means there's a chance you secretly love it too. Oh, I'm only PLAYING DEVIL'S ADVOCATE though. My motive for telling you how much some women love being treated like shit is nothing but INTELLECTUAL PHILOSOPHY.

The only devil's advocate needed in this discussion is the defence counsel in the trial for sexual fucking assault.

He sexually assaulted you. You have every right to be upset and the police would take this seriously if you reported it.