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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not expect a man to put his head in my boobs?

197 replies

MissJSays · 09/09/2017 02:14

I'm currently sat in the clubs toilets. It's my friends 22nd birthday night out. I'm 21, I know I'm young and having fun bla bla but my best friend whose birthday it is friends has come out. She has brought about 4/5 boy friends with her, fair enough. About 2 hours into the night one of them has just bent down to me, put his head in my boobs and shook his head. I'm in a committed relationship of 2yrs, I love my boyfriend to pieces (he's not here with me tonight) and I haven't been suggestive or anything to this boy all night. It's completely floored me and I'm sobbing in the toilet, I don't know why it's got to me so much. I feel so alone and like I'm making such a fuss over nothing, I don't know why this has upset me so much! Hoping for some Mumsnet wisdom to get me out of the cubicle🙁

OP posts:
FittonTower · 09/09/2017 08:17

This shit is far too common, hope your feeling better this morning.
Please don't let it stop going out and enjoying yourself tho - it wasn't you, how you acted or how you were dressed it was all him, he was a prick.

PoorYorick · 09/09/2017 08:19

As a small addition to OP and idiots who want to imply she loved it really and that assault is a compliment (because they're PLAYING DEVIL's ADVOCATE), you might be interested to know that I have some experience of fetish/swingers' clubs, and this kind of behaviour would get you thrown out and the police contacted. Because consent is the order of the day. They absolutely will not tolerate this shite. And for the same reason, limits and safe words apply in BDSM situations.

It's quite something when a club dedicated to fetish and kink has a better policy towards consent and assault than a mainstream one. How depressing that not assaulting women, or minimising the assault of women, is now one of the most deviant things you can do.

IndominusRex · 09/09/2017 08:21

You were sexually assaulted. You reacted completely normally to being sexually assaulted. None of this was your fault.

sleighbellend · 09/09/2017 08:23

twoheaped, what relevance does your made up anecdote have to the OP? Your 'friend' doesn't mind, OP clearly does given that it has already happened to her and she's extremely upset. Why do you think you need to play devil's advocate? Who asked for that? Do you think your post will change her mind and make her think she was wrong?

ShitOrBust · 09/09/2017 08:28

You've been sexually assaulted. Report it to the police.

PoorYorick · 09/09/2017 08:29

sleigh, because twoheaped is trying to imply that OP secretly loved being assaulted, and that sexual assault is a compliment because it's based on desire (it's not, of course, it's based on power and disrespect, but I don't expect them to grasp that). And that, being a compliment, it's therefore not so bad.

I can make a shrewd guess at the kind of person twoheaped is in reality, although our shitty rape culture permeates very deeply and so I might be wrong. Still, I don't see him/her telling similar happy stories of the man who loves it when hairy biker dudes pounce on his penis with no warning. Only women like being assaulted.

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 09/09/2017 08:40

I am going to go against the grain here and suggest that you don't report this guy. As someone who looks at case files for signs of previous actions by accused people in abuse cases, I have never seen this sort from behaviour.

My take on it is that he was being immature and trying to be funny. He did something stupid and failed miserably in his attempt at being a clown. He recognised this in himself when he saw your reaction and apologised. If you report him at, what I assume to be a young age, he will have that hanging over him for the rest of this life.

Sorry it ruined your night though. As other PPs have suggested, a sharp kick or something verbal that is equally cutting would work the next time you feel that someone has violated your personal space like that.

TheFirstMrsDV · 09/09/2017 08:40

To play devil's advocate

Why do people think tacking this phrase onto the beginning of something they say or write distances them from the ludicrous nonsense that follows

What you wrote didn't even fit the 'devils advocate' category.
You just shared something nasty about a 'friend'

BakedBeans47 · 09/09/2017 08:41

You poor love, you were sexually assaulted. Of course you're not BU. How dare this prick think your body is just there for his entertainment to do as he pleases? Xx

twoheaped · 09/09/2017 08:42

This reply has been deleted

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TheFirstMrsDV · 09/09/2017 08:43

Ah ok.
So it would be another woman's fault that this man assaulted the OP?

balsamicbarbara · 09/09/2017 08:45

Report it to the police. Even in a nightclub noone should touch anyone in that way without consent (although if you had been drinking he'd be in the wrong anyway).

lozengeoflove · 09/09/2017 08:48

What the actual fuck, twoheaped?
This isn't about what type of woman stands front of a self righteous, abusive creep of a man. It's not up to anyone to decide that woman's breasts should be touched unless she gives an overt and clear consent.

You need to think very carefully about your attitude, it's toxic.

BakedBeans47 · 09/09/2017 08:49

Because twoheaped it doesn't matter "what kind of woman" was stood in front of him.

As for the "didn't think" comments yes I am sure he did think, he thought it was OK to help himself to another woman's body without her consent. It's disgusting.

OP hope you are OK I am furious and upset for you that this happened. You'd be within your rights to report it but I can see why you might not want to x

slashlover · 09/09/2017 08:49

The point, I was clunkily making, was how was that man meant to know which type of woman (in his stupid eyes) was stood in front of him.
If he'd done the same thing to a woman who had pulled his head in and lapped it up on one day, who is to say the next woman wouldn't be the same?

He doesn't just go straight in and do it in the first place! If a woman has shown absolutely no interest then touching her as the first thing you do is wrong in an circumstance. Not all people are the same and not everyone likes the same thing!

Also, when that woman is upset, you do not try to justify yourself or make light of it.

PoorYorick · 09/09/2017 08:51

The point, I was clunkily making, was how was that man meant to know which type of woman (in his stupid eyes) was stood in front of him. If he'd done the same thing to a woman who had pulled his head in and lapped it up on one day, who is to say the next woman wouldn't be the same?

My God, you get worse and worse. I bet you honestly don't see what's so offensive, to both men and women, about this line of reasoning.

How about....Sexual assault is criminalised to protect women, so he's a shit if he's ever done it in the first place? And if he doesn't know whether a woman likes being abused, perhaps he should then simply NOT ABUSE THEM AT ALL?

You honestly think men are poor confused sods because of all the mixed messages naughty women give them about when it's ok to assault them? And you don't think this depravity affects whether women might be pressured to pretend they like it?

I'm getting more and more sure that you are exactly who I think you are. Do us all a favour and get to fuck.

twoheaped · 09/09/2017 08:52

I can't put up reasoning to those who are so blind they cannot see.

Think what you want to think.

Op, there are idiots in all walks of life, you met one last night. Hopefully age and experience will set him on the right path and after your reaction he'll think twice about pulling a similar stunt.

bloodymaria · 09/09/2017 08:53

Stop now, twoheaped.

Hope you're ok this morning OP, tell your DP what happened, he can support you whatever you decide to do next.

sleighbellend · 09/09/2017 08:53

Twoheaped there are some men who enjoy getting tied up and whipped. If the OP had gone up to a random man in the club and smacked him across the back with a riding crop, would you justify that with your pathetic attempts to play devil's advocate?

twoheaped · 09/09/2017 08:53

As for the other people on your thread, you'd do just as well to put them behind you as well.

Pengggwn · 09/09/2017 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoorYorick · 09/09/2017 08:55

This reply has been deleted

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Iris65 · 09/09/2017 09:00

You were sexually assaulted. No wonder you were upset. I'm not good at timely reactions either. I seem to go into shock and when I escape is when I really feel things and wish I had been more forceful.
Hope you feel better this morning.

ciele · 09/09/2017 09:00

I was in a phone box, at uni, many moons ago. Some teenagers came in and grabbed my boobs. Horrible. But it will fade into a distant memory. Nothing you did. My daughters wear low cut clothing. I think I had a woolly jumper on!

MetalMidget · 09/09/2017 09:02

The point, I was clunkily making, was how was that man meant to know which type of woman (in his stupid eyes) was stood in front of him.

Oooh, I don't know, how about he plays it safe and assumes the woman in front of him is one of the vast majority that doesn't appreciate being sexually assaulted?

Another vote here for reporting him. In all likelihood, he didn't do it maliciously - and that's a huge fucking problem, because he feels that he has a right to help himself to women's bodies for his own amusement, and doesn't realise how wrong it is.

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